Some people find it hard to develop emotional bonds, no matter how much they try. Even when they are in a relationship with some very awesome person, they just cant help making lousy partners. People get attached to them but they just cant feel the connection hence doing the most reasonable thing under the circumstances - cut the strings sooner rather than later.
Are there people who are incapable of falling in love or is this simply a case of having not found ‘the one’ yet?
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Comment by GOLDSILVER on 10 October 2008:
I met one. But in reality he is really still a big kid. He cannot forge an emotional link, but I think that this is a male trait (correct me if I’m wrong). You men out there, this site is not for those of you who just want to meet for SEX, some of us are looking for real love and romance.
Comment by SnazzyBella on 10 October 2008:
BULL!!!!
People need to stop settling for less than what they want. “They” are not feeling the connection because it was never there to begin with. STOP SETTLING!! thats my advice.
Comment by Cutiiepy on 10 October 2008:
Most definitely!! I’ve often considered myself incapable of loving another. I’m just very much a loner, somewhat an introvert and I’ve had to deal w/ a lot of responsibility throughout my life concerning my family. The mutual interest necessary to generate a good, solid relationship between myself and another has never been equal in my experience. Therefore, no relationship.
Comment by rubyred40 on 11 October 2008:
Yes, there are people that are incapable of love. Of loving someone else, that is. Because they really have no problem loving themselves. I dated a guy for six months but after having been with him for just a month I realized that his utter selfishness stood in the way of a meaningful relationship. He also could not communicate worth a darn but was very good at blaming me for everything that went wrong. I hung around to see if the changes he promised would take place but when nothing materialized I knew I had to move on. In July I cut the strings and I feel so free!
Comment by sleeky92 on 11 October 2008:
everyone is capable of loving no matter the hurt they have gone through or whatever their circumstance is. what is required is the willingness to learrn and to apply oneself completely. nothing is perfect and all we need is to realise that we are continously learning and discovering something new or different about ourselves each day. and it may be by someone telling us or showing us a different way of loving someone
Comment by Gundo on 11 October 2008:
Are some people incapable of love?
Not by their very nature, I think. But I noticed something: It seems that the relation a person has to him- or herself is closely related to the relation that person has to other people - first and foremost to a partner. A lack of self-respect, inevitably associated with a lack of self-appreciation, apparently never goes along with true respect and love for someone else, at least I have never seen that. What I have seen instead is the dramatic change in the quality of relations in people who actually managed to change their relation to themselves in a positive way. Which sometimes included a clean break with respect to an existing relation, and a new start.
By the way, as this has been mentioned - I doubt that selfishness is a sign of self-love…
Comment by Linda254 on 13 October 2008:
Mhhhhh interesting article, i hope i never find this kind of a person, or if i do , hopefully”I’m the one , otherwise it will be a mind game relationship.Ughhhh
Comment by f3ralanarchy on 14 October 2008:
of course there are people that are incapable of all over the place. these are the people who never have and never will have a healthy relationship. love is not for everyone.
Comment by Pia65 on 14 October 2008:
What an article to make you think!
Everyone deserves a good measure of love.
Its sad to say, but there are people out there in the world that are incapable showing love.
I can’t help but wonder if its a matter of environment, how or who raised them, or perhaps
even worse……..how or who didn’t raise them.
Good, bad or indifferent….We all make choices.
I haven’t come across these incapable people.
But….I have come across a few people who came out on the other side of that mindset.
I salute the therapists, teachers, mentors, etc. who are in a position to help someone through tough times.
To quote one of my girlfriends who is doing much better now……….
“Life is too short to try to move through darkness…Turn on a light, and call for some help.”
Comment by traeauk on 15 October 2008:
sadly I have come across such a fine man but he shows the same traits, i went back many times to see if he would change but he didnt I feel so sad as half the tme they dont even relise they have this problem. still hurts to find you fall n love with a person like this, but its always better to end it instead of a life time full of pain
Comment by latrelle on 16 October 2008:
Men Who Can’t Love: The Commitmentphobe
Okay. For the record, this article is not meant to bash the guys but is written to shed light on one of the underlying problems in dating relationships. It certainly helps to be aware and to understand the mechanics of our behavior, and to learn how to change or transform those negative behaviors into healthy ones in order to achieve harmonious relations with the opposite sex.
“Men Who Can’t Love” is the title of a book which has been featured on the New York Times bestseller list. It is, ironically, written by a man, Steven Carter, who personally identifies with the Commitmentphobe’s pattern of behavior. His co-author is a woman, Julia Sokol. The book discusses men who fear commitment in relationships which, as Carter’s research states, stems from their inability to love. Throughout the book are a number of individual stories, shared by women who’ve been involved in such relationships. In all honesty, I could immediately identify with almost all the experiences which were penned within its pages.
It’s puzzling, really, when you think about it. Why is it that a man would leave a woman, in the crucial stages of a dating relationship when “the going was getting good”? A woman who he said he loved and who he had pegged as his epitome of perfection? Carter ventures to explain the four (4) stages of the vicious cycle:
In the beginning, he’d actively pursue you. He may have mentioned how much he loved and cared for you, or how ideal you were for him, or that he had never experienced any relationship like the one you both were in. Sure, the intimacy was exceptionally close, the sex superbly fantastic, the communication invariably intense and the times shared together remarkably exciting; yet, who would’ve thought that he would have his eye on the exit door all this time?
In the middle, when everything seemed to be going well, subtle changes would inevitably arise. He’d change his dating schedule, contact you less and less or even leave clues that he was seeking other relationships. Or maybe he would make up excuses and lies that were deemed ‘acceptable’ by you, such as fatigue, family problems or late-nights at the office. He’d send mixed messages, conflicting or confusing signals and would become more passive and less aggressive.
In the end, it was clear that the stitches in the relationship’s fabric would begin to unravel. Perhaps he’d start irrational arguments or become obnoxious in order to put distance between you, his ‘perfect’ partner, and himself. He’d establish boundaries and walls by ceasing communication with you, or by completely withdrawing from you, without an excuse. Why would this man, who after months of dating with plans of engagement or even marriage in the works, then panic and run away or disappear without a trace? Was it that he just wanted to live in the “now” and not in the future with you?
In the bitter end, the relationship finally disintegrates, leaving you stunned, confused and wondering where things went wrong. You try seeking answers to rationalize these strange circumstances or to see whether you can perhaps fix the problem. Eventually you realize he can’t or won’t change, and end up trying to fix yourself.
If you’ve ever read this book, what’s your take on it? If you have not, it’s worth a browse-through at least.
Comment by morninflower on 16 October 2008:
WOW! Thanks Latrelle! I hate the mixed signals! aka “the hot/cold syndrome” - absolutely hate it! - BUT to answer the question on this blog. I really think that there are people out there that will never settle down but that doesn’t mean that they are incapable of love - they do love, but only for a little while and for some reason (selfishness mainly) - they just cannot handle the comfort and warmth that comes out of having a great relationship.
Comment by joeysgirl on 17 October 2008:
I think its more about finding someone with whom they are truly able to connect with and then be willing to take a chance…lets face it-finding love is a risky business! More ofter than not, when you gamble you lose. If you lose bad once, twice or repeatedly, its harder to cut your losses and play again- no matter how bad you may want it!
Comment by fkoi on 18 October 2008:
In my experience, people who can’t love don’t feel lovable. That is not to say that they aren’t totally involved with themselves. It’s like the saying, “I’m not much but I’m all I think about.” If you can’t get yourself out of your mind, there is no room for anyone else.
It comes in many forms from total self-depredation to complete arrogant deceit and everything in between but it all boils down to a deep-seated feeling of not being good enough (I am not a psychologist, but I have switched the channel when Dr. Phil comes on).
If you think you can fix this sort, that you can be “the one”, lottsa luck. More than likely you are buying a world of pain and your time would be better spent looking at why you would want to put up with that h**l.
Comment by Trubeauty314 on 18 October 2008:
When you love God and yourself then you can love others. No way can you love someone else if you don’t have a love for yourself. I happen to believe that God is love and without God, perfect love does not exist.
Comment by WHURR on 18 October 2008:
I thought thats why they made the blue pill !
Comment by SnazzyBella on 18 October 2008:
YES, but as u know WHURR from personal experience it does not work for all!
Comment by WHURR on 18 October 2008:
If I took that blue pill…I’d die…Im such a horndog as it is.
Comment by GOLDSILVER on 19 October 2008:
Well, WHURR, you’ve confirmed what I said earlier. Women look for love, romance, passion and commitment, men want SEX! Why are you all so frightened of commitment? We are to soon end up in a world full of spinsters and lonely old men.
Comment by VanillaChai on 19 October 2008:
This is a true condition.
You can google:
1- Sociopath
2- Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)
3- Arrested Development
Many of these people were raised in abusive households…some did a lot of drugs &/or have “arrested development” from it or the abuse. Some (men) just hate women because of their mother issues & will never trust one.
If you find yourself attracted to these sorts you may want to google “love addiction” & see if you have one.
Comment by WHURR on 20 October 2008:
How did all that come from a saracstic comeback to a friend?
All of a sudden my joke back to her is a confirmation of some twisted theory that is deeply defined by sterotypes and negative past experiences.
Wow..I just sterotyped your sterotype…make it stop!
Comment by SnazzyBella on 20 October 2008:
WOW….LOLOLOLOL…. Mister you sure are funny
Comment by morninflower on 20 October 2008:
Lawdy! Lawd!
Comment by lil_mich on 22 October 2008:
all the dating and relationship articles, cause me to doubt myself. However, I remind myself that I am lovable. I feel that there are many people in this world who come from dysfunctional families and therefore through mistreatment and the lack of demonstrative love being shown to them some people as adults have difficulty giving and receiving love. Emotionally Distant is my best description of my family ties, I have not been successful at moving out of my comfort zone. it’s pretty crap.
Comment by rae56 on 22 October 2008:
I was involved with someone who I believe is incapable of love for another person. He is your classic narcissist who has an inflated view of himself and is only concerned with his own interests and desires and will obtain them by any means necessary. Unfortunately, I don’t even think he is capable of a normal love for his mother. His interest in her is strictly what she can provide for him. It’s pretty sad. I think being incapable of showing love or emotion is also true for someone with a sociopathic disorder.
Comment by Dudley on 14 January 2009:
Are some people incapable of love? Yes. I’m one of them. I’m 48 years old and have never had a girlfriend. Socially I’m an extrovert, even charming; I’m a decent looking fellow, successful and financially secure. I don’t date and I have no interest in pairing off. I literally cannot imagine a life where I’m not single. Fortunately my friends have quit trying to fix me up with ‘this great girl’. But yes, there are some of us who are incapable of love.
Comment by homesteader on 29 January 2009:
Half of the people are above adverage , Where are you ?