Most people have been dating for longer that they can remember. Sometimes people reach that point where the relationship is like stagnant – not moving forward or backwards.
Then there reaches a time when one person has to move on – say another job in a different state or something and a decision has to be made : to walk away or hold out for more.
If the dude hasn’t given any indication that he has plans of the two moving in together or proposing, what is the right way to go about such a situation? Does one just gamble with the situation and hope that staying will probably make him provide what you want in life – say after decades 
? Is giving him an ultimatum (“I will be leaving town if you don’t commit�) the best way to go about it?
Tags: black women white men, black dating site, black women black men
Popularity: 54% [?]
Comment by outpass35 on 16 June 2008:
I don’t think it air to make someone commit to someone A friend was living with the same man for 15b yars they got married and the marriage was over in a year.
Comment by HereIambaby on 16 June 2008:
I am just a bit curious…Her profile was found on interracial dating site blackc e ntury DOT com last week. I heard that she is interested in interracial relationship. Maybe this is the reason why she was there!
Comment by HydrabadChik on 16 June 2008:
That’s such a hard decision to make - especially for a woman. And even more especially if the relationship has been for decadeS!
As we age, our relationship options diminish more quickly as women than they do for men. Job options as well.
I know that if a woman plays her cards right, she need not be limited after 40 or after 50 - but it seems to require such a careful game!
I think that’s why many of us are careful in our 30s or even 20s and asking “Should I be hangin’ around while he drags his feet?? Do I have that kind of time?”
Many of us are surrounded by women who have invested YEars in relationships where the man got comfortable and enjoyed a position of pseudo-commitment. I understand that we have the habit of looking for security where there is none.
Still, I think that if marriage is the state a woman wants - go for it. Sure, it can be a mistake - marriages go wrong all the time. But there’s a difference between whole-heartedly reaching for the life I want and languishing in a limbo uncertainty.
What say ye?
Comment by Cindie on 17 June 2008:
My grandfather always said, “get what you want”, so you don’t make yourself and the other personal miserable….
Comment by mossimo36 on 17 June 2008:
Move on!! If he/she is not meeting what you want from a relationship. Threats not required, just a simple statement will do.
Comment by Nandi on 19 June 2008:
When one feels they need to propose an ultimatum, time to go..you already have your answer….I would not ask anyone to commit to me, but if I feel the relationship is not going where I would like to see it…I would have a talk not ultimatum about it once and then I would make my own decision from that…It is not good to force anyone into a relationship and/or marriage…But, I will not allow that person to block me for the kinda of relationship I want…A total waste of time….
Comment by Morningflower on 21 June 2008:
What the? I am so glad that life is not a “spelling bee” in that we get more than one chance so every mistake such as dating “this kind” of a person doesn’t exempt us from finding love again. I think it’s..cowardly, and selfish to give someone that you love an ultimatum! especially about commitment!cammon!!
I can tell you this:- If someone gave me that kind of an ultimatum I would provide them with a GPS Nav.System to make sure that they don’t lose their way while getting as far away from me as possible!!
Comment by workinman on 22 June 2008:
i pine for the days of the 40s & 50s, picket fences & gardens. but for the man who builds a castle & chooses to share it w/ a woman who may or may not be his soul mate opens up a whole snake pit of legalities, common law, eddie i want half, type of thing. men HAVE been conditioned and we are more cautious for it.
Comment by HydrabadChik on 23 June 2008:
If Person is feeling that “let’s settle down” feeling and says to his/her partner: “our dating time is up, we need to settle or split” and gets a free ticket to Timbuktu in response, I figure Person probably doesn’t have the relationship he thought he had.
Nothing wrong with a wakeup call though. I haven’t always liked being handed brutal honesty but I’ve learned that it has its gifts.
Ask for what you want.
Comment by princedddove on 24 June 2008:
I think we women suffer from the Cinderella complex-I used to! I think we all have a right to be happy, but can’t let starry eyes cloud our vision. After age 40 if he is not talking about a permanancy plan 6-8 months later, especially if the two of you are physically intimate; it’s time to jet. It may be painful and difficult, but you never know what’s around the corner!!
Let.s face it, if he can’t commit, it’s time to quit….
Comment by laugh_sailor on 24 June 2008:
I’ve enjoyed the terrific and diverse views, here!
Doesn’t this problem stem from a lack of forthright communication? Getting married, having kids, cruising around the world on a sailboat for years, etc. ought to be goals covered on a first or second date. Continuing that communication (Which boat to get, Caribbean or South Pacific first?), not only keeps small things from piling up (In this case, years of unfulfilled expectations, which can be emotionally explosive and hence the ultimatum and reaction.) and helps to keep the relationship in perspective but also helps to keep one focused on the relationship’s goals and how each person’s feelings and goals support the relationship - Or not. If the goals no longer feel right, they need to be re-examined.
Of course, it’s more comfortable to some to not discuss emotions but that comes back to haunt in really painful ways.
Comment by Aurorin on 18 July 2008:
I have always been of the opinion that communication is the key to success in any type of relationship. If a couple wants survive, in any interpretation of that word, they would be wise to discuss their expectations BEFORE they are actually in the relationship. They should have the same goals for the relationship, otherwise, one will end up miserable and, eventually, so will the other one. Ultimata are a type of emotional blackmail to me. I wouldn’t want to be given an ultimatum and so, I will not give one. If I am ready to settle down, that doesn’t mean I should settle for a reluctant partner. If he does not want to give me the type of commitment I want, I’d be foolish to stay with him knowing that I am not happy. I am a firm believer in asking for what you want up front so that there are no surprises.
Comment by stargazer123 on 8 August 2008:
leaving if any of you don’t commit in marriage it will ruin the relationship.
Comment by Sovoluptuous on 10 August 2008:
I totally agree with Nandi and MorningFlower.You know when you have the right one,And you wont have to force he/or she to make any type of commitments