Trust issues always come up when people are voicing their reservations about online dating safety. But should you regard your online date as a serial killer until he or she proves you wrong?
Tags: black white dating, black women white men, interracial dating
Popularity: 11% [?]
Comment by Starthai on 9 May 2008:
Ria, I think it is important to be cautious, any intelligent person should and would take that as a good quality, such as this person loves and care about themselves. I know for me I have came across profiles to where I was like he fits the description of a child molestor and so forth, sometimes I even get cautious if a person is contacting me because of the picture of my son. But, I must say if that particular person contacts me I will stay cautious and not move to soon, and “listen” to everything they say before I draw the final conclusion. I prefer someone that is careful and not absentminded to whats going on in the world myself, it says a lot about that persons self-worth. People should be careful offline as well.
Comment by Nandi on 9 May 2008:
Once again I do not get it? Onling dating vs. someone you met on the street, work, mall etc…You really do not know them either…Caution, is something everyone male or female should use when meeting people…Even a co-worker (which should be a no-no for other reasons).
The facts really are holding steady that majority incidents of deaths or rape are committed by people, they did not meet on-line…
I believe everyone should have a security/exit plan..not just for those on online but the ones you meet in person…
The benefit of onling dating is when they eventually reveal themselves and they will…You can forgo the awkward moment and simply do not respond to them again…And hopefully at that point they do not know that much about you ….
Comment by SxyWhtTiger on 10 May 2008:
You have to be very careful online because there are so many people out there trying to deceive and fraud others all of the time. I’m not trying to pick on anybody overseas but there are some people overseas that target men between the ages of 40-60 everyday trying to get money, credit card info, and
offer marriage so they can get visas. Also they tend to do this to people who live in the United States and they usually do it through dating websites. Furthermore, serial killers, stalkers,and pedophiles aren’t the only things to look out for. In this day and age you have to look out for liars and thieves…sad but true better to be cautious than being a victim.
Comment by Lady18 on 10 May 2008:
Wow I didn’t think much about that I guess I would of found out once am died. But I believe everyone leaves clues about the real them but alot of times people like to ignore them.
Comment by lilo4love on 11 May 2008:
In my experience it is easier to pick out a fraud online than in real life. I dated this guy who i met through friends.
I initially thought he was wonderfully intense and passionate in his feelings for me. When it got too much i tried to leave him. It was the worst three years of my life.
He practically threatened to kill me, stalked me, called my house 1000s of times, came there screaming abuses 1000s of time, i moved and he still found me. It was awful.
This kind of people are everywhere and as SxyWhtTiger, says men are vulnerable. There are a lot of women too exploiting men (mostly older men) for their money and to get a visa.
At least online, when someone acts abnormally you can block them and forget about them much easier.
Comment by adil on 11 May 2008:
i want fuck all this afroromance never i find a woman you are the play game
Comment by lovely2see on 12 May 2008:
I think alot of this has been summed up by some very wise women. You have to be careful when it comes to dating period, whether or a man or a woman. No one really knows who anyone is until they get to know them.
Comment by spicyone on 13 May 2008:
It is always wise to be cautious whether on or offline, yet this should not come in the way of trust, a fundamental grounding of a relationship. Tricky it is!!! Striking a balance is therefore important yet we normally have nothing to go by except our intuition and sometimes a few clues here and there. Like Lady18 mentioned, these clues may hold the key to who our dates really are.
Comment by raven3658 on 13 May 2008:
Online dating is a lot safer than offline in the sense that, if one allow yourself time to get to know someone, sooner or later that person reveals their true self and you can make a quick exit. However, if that person is offline it is not as easy to exit safely because they already know what you look like and possibly where you live.
I recently met someone online who was all into me and getting ready to jump on a plane to come visit until I asked if he could pass a background check. He never responded to my email and I never heard from him again. I guess he thought I was joking in my profile when I said you better be able to pass a background check.
Comment by aillynne on 16 May 2008:
yeah! i admit I beleive online dating is safer for me then have it offline!
Comment by ethereal99 on 16 May 2008:
I would think after a few months of communicating you would be able to trust someone, then again, crazy people can be awful patient.
Comment by blkbeauty31 on 16 May 2008:
Yeh, very unfortunate truth about on-line dating is that people so easily lie! People can be whomever they want without reserve. I have come across plenty of fakers if not in words, in pictures. What’s with the putting up of your hot son’s pics or 10-15 years old pics?
Comment by snap123 on 17 May 2008:
A man SxyWhtTiger I 100% agree
You have to be very careful online because there are so many people out there trying to deceive and fraud others all of the time. When I am on yahoo chating with a friend there is always somebody overseas tyring to target me to get money, credit card info, and offer marriage so they can get visas. Also they tend to do this to people who live in the United States and they usually do it through dating websites or Yahoo im’s
In this day and age you have to look out for liars and thieves better to be cautious than being a victim.
Comment by Debbie 56 on 18 May 2008:
I think you have just got to be cautious, and get to know the person, then if you think yes I want to meet this person meet them in a public place then see where it goes.As someone said before you can meet a serial killer at a bar as well… and not know it… Jack the Ripper in the Uk was a very charming man a ladies man which is why he managed to get to his victims… so online dating versus meeting in a bar… either way take precautions…
Comment by cleopatra47 on 18 May 2008:
I have online dated a bit and found that making a friend before a love match is the best approach. Friendship allows me to get to know the person first before the romance clouds the issue. I dated one guy who tried to insinuate himself into every aspect of my life in 6 months. Instead of feeling flattered, it made me feel like my privacy was being invaded. Anyone who isn’t willing to take it slow is a red flag for me. Just because you live in the same town doesn’t mean you have to meet face to face before you’re ready!
Comment by chooseey on 31 May 2008:
Caution, Caution Caution. The easiest way so far, of spotting a not too up-front and honest person, is to read through the profile they have posted with a fine tooth combe. Look for a lot of “find out later” in the profile. Look at the age of the person then at the photograph if there is one. Ask questions by mail - lots of questions. Make sure replies are not one-liners but are as detailed as possible. Go over whatever responses you have got from your questions, then bring them back into conversations sometime later. Yes, there are a lot of Visa/sex addicts/well endowed/well build jerks out there with no brains. Write your profile in such a way,only the type of people you desire to contact you, will do so. Consider replies and re-read them. Check the profile of those replying to your profile. Take your time afterall, only a desperate person rush into a relationship without thinking every angle through throughly. Lets weed out out the opportunist’s.
Chooseey
Comment by hedon on 4 June 2008:
I think that caution in any situation is a good thing. However I also think that at least here in the United States we have reached a high level of paranoia when it comes to establishing communication beyond the first few emails. It is my belief that most people are normal and trying to find a friend or a mate. Having talked with women in other countries who did not require background checks or mind exchanging phone numbers,it gave me a new perspective on what changes people in the U.S. go through. Finally, when ever I’ve had a negative dating experience that had lingering financial effects due to dishonesty or obsessive behavior, it was done by some one I had known for a looong time not some one I recently met on line.
Comment by dada on 7 June 2008:
I come from Africa. Unfortunately Some of my brothers from the west have given us a very bad reputation.I doubtpeople abroad even look at our profiles anymore. So caution yes its good…but just dont place a blanket idea that all profiles from africa are scammers and thats all we are good for…no we can do more.Its very dissappointing that we cannot be safe online coz of such poeple yet at the same time very neccessary that one has to be cautious as well. So people stay safe!!!!!
Comment by Morningflower on 7 June 2008:
@Cleopatra47 - I could not have said it better myself! I started dating online a couple of months ago and I apply the same rules as I did when I met a guy out and about - from phone numbers, other contact info, etc. If a guy really likes me and thinks that I am worth the wait - well..then his threat level moves from “Red” to “orange” but either way, I am very, very, very cautious! “ethereal99″ said it best “crazy people can be awful patient” and I don’t want to make the local evening news for the wrong reasons!
We all have to be cautious no matter who we are - men/women. I got a number of messages from members who wanted me to really verify that I was in the U.S. Simply because my profile reads “black/african descent” and I speak 3 languages! At first I was very offended and they got a healthy dose of my fury! but one guy wrote back explained why he wrote what I deemed very offensive statements.
He told me about the credit card scams/fake profile and even fake profile pictures! - It’s a shame really.. but it is what it is!
Be safe everyone! I know I am!
Comment by DocCWG on 21 June 2008:
I have been a member of AfroRomance for more than 4 years now. For some reason, some 90% of the women that I’ve contacted or have contacted me happen to be living in Africa. I have been in many what I thought were serious relationships. However, being the gullible and generous person I am, I have to confess that I’ve been scammed at least 6 times. And I would feel embarassed to admit how much money I have lost. Although I continue to prefer African women to American women because of their attitude about themselves and about men, I’m finding it more and more difficult to trust any of them. This is unfortunate, because I spend so much time and effort “testing” them or even trying to trick them to find out if they’re for real or not. My advice to men is NOT to send money. If they continue to write to you, then continue to build your relationship by all means. But you will be amazed how many will stop writing. Some of these scammers are very clever. They have really fine tuned their art. On the other hand, some are so ridiculously phony, I find myself laughing out loud. Being a retired high school teacher, I am currently writing a book about the problems with American education. But I’ve had so many interesting experiences with African women, I’m thinking of scrapping my current project, and replacing it with a book about the problems with trying to find true love with women living in Africa. Any men out there who would like to know more about the art of scam artists should contact me and tell me what you would like to know. I consider myself an expert on this subject.
Comment by mossimo36 on 21 June 2008:
Well, scams happen and I have had a few try to pull it on me. Some go as far as claiming to live in the US then pull a switch and say they are visiting Nigeria or somewhere else. A few questions can expose that pretty quickly. What out for those pics lifted from a magazine…obviously some model posing ans pasted into a profile.
Comment by hotrod2009 on 10 July 2008:
It’s really sad, for one most of us are on here to find our soul mate. But then we have to look out for scam artist. Just try to remember to go with your gut feeling. If for some reason it doesn’t feel right then back off. If he/she is for real then they will understand your being cautious.
Comment by martha54 on 1 January 2009:
Let’s talk about scams I have one for you .It happen as recent as four months ago.I met a man on a website first time for me I joined this site to chat with my three sisters and two best friends, Their all nurses and I’m in the resturant business so it’s the only way we get to talk.A man came on looked just like he came off the cover of GQ. I said to myself no way he’s 15 yrs younger than me and there’s no way he would ever want me.Well after 13 years of being along I fell for the lies. He say’s he has a kid 16 years old motherhood kicked in wow lucky me I’m going to be a wife and mom again.I ended up paying his daugther’s hospital bill sending her money every two weeks and buying both of them labtop’s.Please don’t make fun of me I fell in love his child was to come here to live for the ever with me until he got here say’s he’s on an oilrig in the UK. Now he”s on one in Africa.I bought a bedroom set had her room redone for her.My family bought gifts for her cooked happy birthday yes xmas she was to turn 17 years old. I bought a diamond necklace for her I did for my other girls so she was my child to.Sent money to help pay for her airfare and she never came she was to be on Dec 21th 2008.I won’t bore you with his excuse but he had the nerve to turn around and ask me for $15,000.00 for a gas station. I didn’t give the money but I took something from this be careful take your time and if someone really wants you they won’t ask for money every time you talk to them.
Comment by JazzyOne on 10 January 2009:
Go with your gut!! He may not be a serial killer but some of these profiles are screaming FAKE!!!
It’s easy to go to another dating site, right mouse click and save a photo or photoS and make up a bogus profile. If he has a college degree and can’t spell worth a dime or create a grammatically correct sentence to save his life? He’s a fake!
I’ve learned that just because there is more than one photo that it doesn’t mean it’s legit. I can’t believe how many are on this very site. And I’m sure there are fake female ads too.
Face to face someone can lie as well but online has made it 50 times more likely and easier to lie and scam people.
There are sites that won’t publish your ad until a background check has been completed. Maybe that is the way to go for legitimate online dating.
Comment by Mupurwa on 18 January 2009:
I agree with all the other members of being cautious. I also find that women are also victimised as much as men. I find man especially who start off in USA for so called work contract reasons end up in Africa. Where they will encounter some misfortune and will need yo financial help. I’m sorry I do not understand how women can just send money to someone they have onl met on-line! Its amazing! These men are using young kids to act as their sons to the extent of putting the poor child to talk on the phone! Its just crazy! They work in gangs and swarm around internet cafes, its their actual job! Its scary!
Comment by VA_SongBird on 1 March 2009:
Also, I would encourage online daters to get an email tracing software called Neo Trace It. It will tell you conclusively, where the email originated from. I used this to determine that a Ghananian posing as a German man was actually the person I was talking to. Also, You Tube, shows a demonostration of how to use the software. Also, another safety tip.. save all emails. In Yahoo, at the bottom right corner of you email, there’s a reference to header. The header displays the IP address of the sender. The last IP address before the sender’s name indicates the geographical location of the sender. This is a quick way to determine, if this is someone trying to scam you especially from an African country.
Comment by homesteader on 1 March 2009:
” Made in U.S.A. ” IS THERE REALLY ANY OTHER WAY ?
Comment by VA_SongBird on 1 March 2009:
Homesteader… Man you are too funny! But you, know… you are absolutely RIGHT and you have a wonderful way of TELLING IT LIKE IT ‘TIS’…. Check the tag for USA.
Comment by homesteader on 1 March 2009:
When in Rome do as the Romans do .
Comment by cometdog on 10 April 2009:
I was feeling pretty low this evening haveing gotten another one of those scamer flirts. I am not alone. I guess I am more flustrated with the effert wasted tring to “meet” a nice gal only to get to it is just another person wanting instant money. I almost think I could flag a profile as YEP I know where this will head. I guess that is why trust is earned not given. Thanks all for cheering me up.
Comment by homesteader on 10 April 2009:
There sure nuff ain’t any quick fix , I spent about five years with a bunch of Ladies who litterly teased me to tears at night . Spent alot of time with some who I thought were serious , Frustration , hurt feelings at least I did not waste any money on them . They were looking for something I didn’t have to give . I found a Ladie that wanted a Man with a good Honest Attitude / A Keeper is she wanted . That is what she found . I will hope that the ones that teased me are still alone and remain that way forever . Because Today We have been Together 2 years . We will have plenty of Money that We shall Earn together. I found what I was looking for and We shall be Happy every moment in all things We do . Sometimes you win , Sometimes you lose / but you got to play the game regardless . Keep positive thoughts and remember they all seek ” A Keeper ” they snooze they lose .
Comment by homesteader on 10 April 2009:
In God we trust , is written on money / Enjoy it , Allow all others to Earn your Love . I cannot write the words in a Public Forum / that I thought about those that Teased me . I have more Honor than that , yet while they sleep alone or with many - they know my opinion of them . Be nice Allow them to Enjoy reading between the lines , Beauty is skin deep and all of us desire to grow old . With age all flowers Wilt , soon enough to be disposed of when no longer attractive to anyones eye . _ _ _ _ em’ and feed em’ Fish heads .
Comment by BrownB09 on 10 April 2009:
Its always good to get to know somebody first! There are some crazy people out here but I wouldn’t judge them until I get to know them! I would also meet in public places for the first few dates, well if we hit it off of course.
Comment by BrownB09 on 11 April 2009:
What about giving and receiving phone numbers! I don’t know about anybody else, but I do NOT like exchanging phone numbers you know like when they first contact you or after the first email they’re like well call me, here’s my number. Maybe it’s me, but im not comfortable talking on the phone with someone I never met face to face.
Comment by homesteader on 11 April 2009:
I agree yet I disagree ; Purchase a throw away cell phone , an inexpensive one . For being allowed to speak . Like I saw in a movie , come time to Dispose of / Dust tape it to a Cattle trailer and if they are clever enough to track it . It will smell of Cattle Manure ie BS .
Comment by REDRAIN on 11 April 2009:
That’s right BrownB09 you have got to be careful.
There are some white men who sincerely believe
that black women are just playtoys
and they will find you dump your body in the river
when they are done “dating” you.
Be careful, and try not to run into a Ted Bundy type.
Comment by REDRAIN on 11 April 2009:
Be careful!!
Most white men are just looking to play around with you and then hurt you!!
Don’t give out your personal info
Comment by VA_SongBird on 11 April 2009:
I start out with an email address. You might just set up one specifically for answering blind internet dates at Yahoo and keep your dating separated from you normal business email account. I normally use my cell phone number instead of home. Please know a cell phone number can be traced to it’s owner by reverse dial lookup. Sometimes, I use this method to determine if the person’s name checks out.
Here’s the pattern I’ve observed with scammers:
1. Quick email very few words. Incorrect spelling of words. Popular one is “cos”. broken english sentences. Doesn’t have any family members.
2. Getting ready to close account in a few days
3. Gives you an external email account such as Yahoo.
4. I suggest you trace the email address using a tool like Neo tracer to determine the geographical location the email is sent from. This will save you alot of time upfront.
5. Alot of times these scammers clam to be civil engineers who live in the US or England and somehow they always end up with a contract in Ghana or Nigeria and a desperate emergency for which they want you to send money.
6. Also generally within two weeks they are making professions of love.
7. To limit the dead beat traffic, I just state in my profile, I trace all email accounts. That has reduced having so many inquiries from African scammers.
Comment by homesteader on 11 April 2009:
If they send their phone number and you want to call them , use a Public pay Telephone at a Mall or Restaurant
Comment by jemma29 on 22 April 2009:
If anyone asks for money, it should be an immediate flag. One guy I was writing to, asked me for some and said he would pay me back, BUT he did not know my address, etc., and he was overseas. Besides we had just started communicating. He had been talking of wanting to get married sometime etc. I never sent money, of course.
I see the comment by VA_Songbird above and this was the same thing-his son needed an operation in Nigeria, that he had to pay for right away.
He worked on a oil rig in Scotland and could not send money until Tuesday or Wednesday to Nigeria.
He wanted the doctor to call me as he could not talk on the phone, BUT he could email the doctor.
He has little information on his profile, and has Los Angeles as his place of residence.
His handle is ken_william53 I think..if anyone else has been contacted by him, email the website..maybe get him kicked off.
His ethnic origin is Native-American, but he looks more Afro-American.
Comment by southernmoca on 23 April 2009:
All of those ideas are great but even after you check them out, get to know them for three months and do a background check, they still turn out a bad choice. I had one in 2007 threaten to burn down my house because I didn’t think we were a good fit. Now I do not tell anyone my exact address , not even the guy I am seeing now…we will have to be together for a long time and meeting in public for an even longer time before I will allow him near my home.
Comment by Lia on 5 November 2009:
In 2000 I married a man I met via online personals. He seemed like a dream come true for a single mom, and my 8 year old daughter quickly bonded with him.
His act fell apart shortly after the marriage, but I decided to “tough it out” for the sake of my daughter.
After 2 years it became too much and I realized I was being lied to and taken advantage of. When we left, my daughter was 10.
5 years later, I learned he had molested her the ENTIRE TIME we were together. I had thought she would tell me if anything like that had ever happened… we discussed it often… but she never did.
The case went to court, he denied it all, but was ultimately found guilty and sentenced to 60 years. 45 years were suspended and he is eligible for parole after 3.
He’s been locked up a year now although he filed an appeal the day he was sentenced. This week he sent a letter to the judge admitting guilt and requesting that his appeal be dismissed.