The other day, a friend of mine asked me: “Why is it that men look at my profile so much but don’t write or send me a wink or something? Is it my face? Do I look like a freak?”
Most of us run to online dating when finding a date offline fails. We get into online dating with very high and often unreasonable expectations. Why do other members look at your profile and not contact you? I think we need to be a little realistic here. Online dating is kinda like window shopping. We all do it. How many profiles of other members have you looked at? 100? 1000? And out of those, how many did you contact? Should all those you didn’t contact feel rejected and deregister?
Some online dating problems are just in our heads. If people look at your profile and don’t write, that means there was something that interested them about you that made them go through the trouble of viewing it in the first place. So maybe you should stop looking at the number of people who looked at your profile vs. those that contacted you and think about what is in your profile that could be making them not write. Could it be your photos, or ‘about me’ essay? Do everything 25% better … It could make a big difference.
Whether you rebrand yourself in your online profile or not, people’s preferences will not be altered. You can’t control the preferences of the other members. Everyone is ‘window shopping’ just as you are and some tools we use to gauge our success online can be very misleading. If you are skinny, the man who contacts you will be someone who is going to WANT a skinny woman. If you aren’t earning a fat six-figured salary, the woman who is going to contact you is ONLY one who isn’t materialistic. My advice: No point in getting bent out of shape about the ones who prefer what you are not.
In your opinion, what would make a person go through someone’s profile and not contact them?
Tags: black white dating, black women white men, interracial dating sites
Popularity: 29% [?]
Comment by Cocohoneebee on 18 February 2009:
I see I’m not the only one who has thought this way. But I did eventually change my way of looking at online dating. We don’t always buy everything we pick up or look at when we’re shopping at the mall, so why should we feel any different about online dating? I hate rejection and it did make me feel like maybe I wasn’t good enough, but we each have our own uniqueness about us and that one special thing which sets us apart from everyone else and that is what we should be proud of. When you see that you’ve been viewed by many, think of it as a positive thing: you were interesting enough for them to stop and take notice.
Comment by trail_hiker on 18 February 2009:
I have sent about 200 emails in the past 4 months.
I got only 4 or 5 answers.
Most were telling me how old and ugly I was.
I should change my nickname to “Ugly duck”.
Cheers.
Comment by AJ12 on 18 February 2009:
Maybe that person didn’t contact you because you listed something on your preferences that they don’t fit into! There have been many profiles I have looked at and I don’t contact them because they’re not looking for someone black, or tall, or short, or whatever.
Comment by homesteader on 18 February 2009:
Think of yourself as you really are . I was 57 years old when my wife found a desire to be with me . After I had been at Afro-Romance for 5 years I am Disabled , on limited income , one short leg , long haired hippie with a full grey beard which she told me added 20 years to my appearance and was teased bye many here . Stuck with it and sucess came for two people when we met . I hope that the ones who hurt my feelings and yours end up with Someone who will make them feel in kind . Read about the ones that abuse their women . There are many to choose from stay with it . I found Beauty is only in ones own mind . Shake my hand and I will show you what a Strong Grip is . Do not cut yourself short . As some will stay alone and miss their chance with a person of Quality .
Comment by homesteader on 18 February 2009:
Window shopping here is Enjoyable and the self life of others also will expire before they know it as Beauty is only skin deep . In my youth old bakery products went to the Hog farmers for free if they cleaned the dumpsters . Everyone ages , accidents happen , Murpheys Law / God knowing this gave himself a crutch , And named him the Devil . If at first you don’t fricassee fry fry again .
Comment by hawkercat on 19 February 2009:
I dont have a problem with someone looking at my profile. Like everyone is saying ‘it is what it is’ a place to look and hopefully find a kindred spirit. I look at many profiles. I only respond to a few. What makes me respond? Mostly it is a picture. But not the picture of someone the world would call really cute or handsome. I look at the eyes and then the whole face, Then I read the profile. I want a man’s face and eyes to have the promise of chemistry for me. A pretty face does not turn me on. But the ‘look’ of character and sincerity does. That type of look does not mean the same for me as it may for other ladies. I don’t care what kind of car or motorcycle he drives. I do care if he takes care of it. But I would rather he was not possessed by it. I am a detective when viewing a profile. I know what excites me. When i see it I respond. I would hope that is what most people do, unless a person is looking for money, or to be rescued from themselves.
Comment by homesteader on 19 February 2009:
These Profiles are only an Introduction ; conversation with a person Face to Face / be serious , only remember one thing that First kiss . Willingness to make him or Her SMILE Forever
Comment by homesteader on 19 February 2009:
Window shopping at a Mall , they got restuarants , theaters and nail shoppes . Hair salons and places to purchase a Box of candy for your Date .
Comment by homesteader on 19 February 2009:
Flower shoppes
Comment by NOPLAYER on 20 February 2009:
If I get the impression that a woman is self-centered or she’s dressed too provocative. Please leave something to the imagination.
I find it funny that ladies will claim they’re looking for a committed relationship but they’ll dress in a manner that says she only wants a pillow friendship.
Comment by rae56 on 20 February 2009:
I’ll often look at the profile of someone I know that I’m not interested in but something in their photo or profile caught my eye and caused me to want to see or read more.
There are also times when reading something in the profile lets me know that I won’t be suitable for them, or them me, i.e., they’re looking for petite and I’m a BBW, or, I’m looking for a one on one relationship and he’s openly looking for a threesome… NEXT!
Comment by scotsguard on 20 February 2009:
It’s all about the chemistry, you look at a picture and make a judgement “do I like the look of this person” if so your read on trying to get a guest of the person’s personality, smoking may put you off, their location may be too far, they maybe into sports and you’re not, could be many reason why people look but don’t bother contacting you, they could be basic members and can’t afford to renew their memmbership, some of the above reasons are why I look but don’t get in contact with someone I find attractive on this site. Someone mentioned about rejection, it’s not easy talking about your self in words, it might be better for the person to speak face to face who knows I could go on and on. I will say this though, I’ve made a couple of pen pals from this site and I’m glad they’re in my life even just as friends, there are some very attractive women who all seem to be looking for the same things from a partner, and finially, there are some nice guys left in this world, it’s a shame we’ve got to get through the hurt that some women seem to have gone through in life. To those reading my blogg, take care and I truely hope you find what your looking for if it isn’t me ha ah
Comment by EbonyPrinz_s on 20 February 2009:
I understand the whole window shopping thing and that is not a big issue as I am sure that we all do it. I admittedly have done it. Some guys are looking for ladies that feel the need to expose themselves, (boob shots), some maybe a little classier, some a little sassier, sexier and some just simple. I am not in judgment of anyone as it’s a matter of one’s taste and personal preference.
As far as taking that step from beyond looking and proceeding to writing, something either in the content of someone’s profile or even in that individual’s own mind prevents them from responding because they have already determined that two seconds into it that they might not be a match.
The thing though that I have yet to understand, is why anyone on this dating site or any other would either not complete or update profile their whole profile with corrected information or even include basic necessary information for someone else to review or look at but instead choose to label everything as “Find out later”. What is up with that? How can you join a dating site, claim to be honest, open and trustworthy but are not willing to either provide proper information or a picture in some cases. Are you not aware that in doing this you maybe limiting the number or quality of opportunities that you might have otherwise had with a completed profile and a picture? Not to get on a rant but it amazes me that people would want to get on a dating site but not give themselves or a potential mate a fair chance at connecting because they have neglected to share this information.
I know the topic at hand is window shopping but by the same token what about those profiles that are not complete or without pictures, are those profiles being “Window shopped over”? I’d like to put a question out there to the masses. What is your perspective over the incomplete or no photo profiles? What is the purpose in doing so?
Comment by mts2sea on 21 February 2009:
Direct marketing, which internet dating certainly qualifies, is successful if you get a 3 percent response. A great response would be 6 or 7 percent. Do the math. Oh, and those who insist upon imposing “find out laters” in their profiles are suspect, at best. Either they joined the site on a lark and never had any intention of utilizing it; or they have a hidden agenda. Please remember, the BIGGEST internet scams right now are the Nigerian dating scams, where men are posting profiles under the guise of women, trying to get a few bucks out of unsuspecting guys with a promise of love and marriage. So, men and women alike have to be careful about who they ultimately decide to make real time contact with. But, taking it as a personal afront when someone does not write to you after viewing your profile is not healthy. Like homesteader said, “…both have to want to make it happen.”
Comment by homesteader on 21 February 2009:
Everyone has their own speed at ” Jumping into the Fire ” . Then , like yesterday a Ladie advised me that she was not interested via Personal Mail . I have two Statements for that Response ; The First being that she is Plenty slow message ing me a Negative Reply - when I may not have flirted with her , because of her immature way . I found one Who was Very very very Interested in me , Hehe / Second ; So What’s the Point ? You snoozed you loosed . LOL for the youth in your letter . P.S. I saw how ashamed you were when you did not even show your picture . Thanks to all that can see experience in what is written about We see in Enjoyment of everyday life of common people . Afro-Romance causes alot of errors on my computer / sometimes having to reBoot often - because of my Firewalls against spam .
Comment by Glock on 21 February 2009:
Ebonyprinz, good point. I never could understand that either. You know maybe 1 “find out later” but when you have several, I skip that one.
I think we all look at profiles and immediately find out that there is something in a person’s profile that would clearly be a problem for us if we ever did start talking. So we move on.
Comment by EbonyColt on 21 February 2009:
When I first started this site I did take it personal men would just look, maybe send a flirt, but never write. Quickly, I laughed and thought well, I do the same thing. I have answered those who write me but then those who write don’t write back make me wonder why? It seems like a circle that you can’t win. I to wondered is my picture, interest, or what I am looking for. Finally, I just figured I am who I am and words can’t always show the great qualities that I have. If someone doesn’t want to take the time to stop, look, read, write, and answer back to me to get to know me, then “He just isn’t into me” LOL. Time will tell. Good Luck to all!
Comment by EbonyColt on 21 February 2009:
Glock,
Good point also with the “find out later”, I will look at mine. Thanks for the input and will see what happens.
Comment by homesteader on 21 February 2009:
Some come here to date , fewer still to find a mate for Life . It takes some time to complete a Full Profile , while responding to others or just searching to see want others like / dislike . Haste makes Waste . All things not set in stone , like when my wife asked me ” why did you say - cannot have children ? ” and I stated to her . ” men do not have children , they just help to Raise them to be good adults . ” find out later , topics take thinking sometimes to place the correct answer the first time .
Comment by party1 on 21 February 2009:
You can be on a strict diet and still look at the menu!! But if the diet is good enough you wont wanna look at the menu cuz u will be full.
Comment by Esmayali on 21 February 2009:
I love to look at profiles. Once upon a time I received a lovely email from an online dater on this site. His email got my attention, so I decided to check out his profile and maybe respond to his email. I viewed his profile and was amazed at one of his posted picture. He was naked and the only thing covering his genitals was a riffle. This could have been a wonderful man but I made the decision not to contact him based solely on that picture.
Comment by VA_SongBird on 21 February 2009:
I’ve done it. Alot of times I’m searching for specific attributes. In order to not mislead the person, if I’m not sure there’s genuine interest, I generally will not make any contact. Also, this kind of reminds of dating the traditional. It’s very common to admire someone in person and from a distance, but often times… the person is afraid to be the first to break the ice! Technology is cool, but no one likes rejection in any form.
Comment by rarestgold on 21 February 2009:
It’s the first impression and it counts for a lot. It could be your smile or lack thereof - it could be the clothes you have on or the lack thereof. No one really knows what the other person is thinking so why try to figure it out. If you’re interested in someone who has viewed your profile - let them know and send them a note, you never know what spark may be ignited. And by the way - no one likes rejection but it is part of life so don’t take it personally - I don’t.
Comment by todd05 on 22 February 2009:
certainly all of us using online dating scan profiles hoping to find a spark of chemistry in words or photo. sometimes its there, many or most times its not.
some pple just get tired of writing something kind and thoughtful, and getting nothing back, just out of common courtesy. so like va songbird said, they fear rejection and dont ‘break the ice’. i wish you all luck in your search.
Comment by Sciencegeek on 22 February 2009:
Its all about preference. Your picture may be what attracts them to your profile, but upon reading your profile they may read many differences between the two of you and not write or send a flirt because they may not feel you are a match. So don’t fret. Someone is out there for everyone. You may friend them here or at your local grocery store. Always be positive. When you leave your house try to look presentable. Also, you can drop hints to members like “visionaryxx at (y). Be creative as well. That never hurted anyone.
Comment by martha54 on 23 February 2009:
I,ve had over 140 people look at my profile and had only four responses.Personally I’m beginning to think it might be me.There was another site I joined before this one and out of all the men I choose a scam artist.I tought I had learned but the man I met on this site turned out to be a scam artist to who wants money for his project.Keeping in mind both men say they are American but have very deep accents.Both work between the UK and Africa.I’m not good at this I’ve had two men my whole life so this dating is new for me.It’s hard to meet someone that will take the time to really know the person you are.We all no not everyone on this site is looking for a real relationship but some of us are.If any of you guys have advice for me please send it my way.
Comment by homesteader on 23 February 2009:
martha54 , some look some respond at least there is activity . I was here 5 years and that looked at thousands , wrote back and forth to many . Talked to some on telephone . My package showed nothing special so it was time that was on my side . Commenting on topics brings you to be seen more and maybe someone will like how you feel . Keep with it , Believe .
Comment by homesteader on 23 February 2009:
In fact , send some personal messages to others who comment as they are searching also .
Comment by brownskinluv on 23 February 2009:
There must be countless reasons why someone would look at someone else’s profile (even more than once) and never contact them. I know that I, myself, have looked at a profile more than once - many times due to the fact that although I initially found that person physically attractive, there was some attribute or issue concerning that person that I simply forgot about or suddenly realized - something that may have caused me to find that person “less desirable” such as: major height differences, smoking, a negative attitude or simply the realization that I was the one who wasn’t their type, etc.
Comment by Cocosan on 23 February 2009:
brownskinluv, I agree with you and I am guilty of that myself. Sometimes when I look at a profile again, I see things in a different light - sometimes positive and sometimes negative. There are profiles that I look at several times because I like what I see (and read) and may need some time to get my thoughts together before I contact the person.
Comment by Justimommy on 23 February 2009:
Martha54, be very careful of the ones with deep accents, usualy they are africans pretending to be white and they even send white men pictures to make you think he’s wite. It happend to my friend and he started sending her gifts like flowers and chocolates and come to find out his next step was to ask her for her bank acct number to put money in it and that wasn’t what he planned to do he just wanted her bank acct # to get her money out.
After saying all of this, just be patient like homesteader said, someone will recognize your quality. But make sure it’s not a scam.
Comment by EbonyColt on 24 February 2009:
I understand that this is off the subject but there is some really great advice up here and wanted the same people to input. I do not want to take from the bloggers intent to her questions so if you want to e-mail me with your answers please do so.
Why do some men no names (Michael97531) write you knowing that you are over 2 hours away, make plans with you, show up 3 hours late, no reason to be late, not shaven, no flowers, stay for awhile leave and not even call back to tell someone that they made it back home. I had changed my plans for the night and stayed up even though I had plans in the EARLY morning. I called him to make sure he made it home ok and then he did return my call. Why even show up or make an effort? Somone told me that I was to nice for this site, is there such a person? Long distance relationships do they really work?
Comment by Cocosan on 24 February 2009:
EbonyColt, you just had ONE bad experience - don’t let that harden your heart! Sounds like Mr was testing the limits. Did he tell you he was going to be late? Did you have to inquire as to why he was late? Maybe he didn’t think the unshaven thing was an issue - he might have thought it was sexy! That unshaven look can be sexy as hell but not if it is scruffy! Maybe he didn’t know he needed to bring you flowers. I think men and women need to communicate their expectations etc. openly and upfront otherwise you can’t hold someone to an expectation thay don’t know about or agree to. Different people have different expectations - like calling when you get back home. For me that is basic, for some, I have found that is unheard of! Maybe Mr is use to dealing with women who accepted his behaviors and thought you would do the same. I don’t know - just something to think about.
I think long distance relationships can work but only for a specified time. They are alot of work but anything worth having is well worth the work! Two hours away is nothing - try Ohio and Arizona! Good Luck and don’t Mr mess up your future!
Comment by Esmayali on 24 February 2009:
EbonyColt, some people are looking for a relationship, some are already in a relationship, some are not ready for a relationship. Don’t take it personal.
Comment by Cocosan on 24 February 2009:
EbonyColt, Esmayali is right. I think this is a personal issue - HIS not yours! Let him retain full ownership!
Comment by spinsterette on 24 February 2009:
On-line shopping that is what I call it - I am a non-subscription member - I tried the free dating sites like Black-planet does that site consist mainly of scammers? Free or paying I am so hesitant of paying cause I am so weary and because of my origins even
MORE people are weary of me. But I guess when all else fails - and at this rate - I will become a registered payer but in the meanwhile……no offence to anybody YET for my profile looking.
Comment by martha54 on 24 February 2009:
Justimommy and Homesteader thank you so much for our input.It means so much that people care about one another in this day and time were in.Justimommy I had a similar experience like your friend did she came out much better than me.I learn later how people post pitcures that are not then at all.I didn’t even know you could do that,any way the first guy claim he had a 16 year old daugther in boarding school in spain and he was on an oil rig in the UK.we talked about two weeks non stop when I got in from work.One day he says his kid was in the hospital could I help him and my kind heart said yes I sent money to spain his friend picked up for the hospital bill still I thought nothing was wrong.I didn’t see any red flags yet now looking back there were so many of then, I just wanted someone to love it was a very expensive lesson for me.I was to ashame to tell my family so I kept quit I bought two labtops one for hi nad his daugther bought him a new cell phone sent all this to Spain and his friend was to get it to him on the oil rig.I was told his daugther was coming here of the christmas holiday so I sent half the money for airfare fix a room in my home for her and she never came. He says the money was stolen by his friends girlfriend.I gave him my bank account number because he wanted to put money in it for his daugther’s stay here oh well. I’m just going to say I had to close my account open a new one.It made me feel so stupid how could a women with my background have fallen for something like this I lost some money but you know what I didn’t lose my heart or my spirit and I know some where in this world there is someone who will love me for the women I am.When the next guy came along on this site I got rid of him quite I had red flags flying all over the place.It’s ok to make a mistake as long as you learn from it.Thanks again guys for your care and concern,May we all find some happeness in this world we live in.
Comment by femmenoire on 24 February 2009:
see it like this…how many times are you looked at when you walk into a club? do you expect every person of the opposite sex to approach you just because he/she looked at you? a step further…do you expect every person you talk to at that club to want to have your number and call you?
the only difference between that offline environment and this dating site is that we can see who took the glance. that they didn’t ’speak’ shouldn’t be seen as an act of rejection. dating should be an empowering experiencing, not one where you’re picking yourself apart because you think you’re constantly being rejected.
also, you do have the option of contacting that person to chat. the onus isn’t only on the one looking at the profile.
conversation can go a long way in both confirming the attraction or lack thereof.
the main thing is not to take this too seriously. in the end, we all have different agendas for being here. i’m thinking the key is finding the person with the same agenda as yours.
Comment by twistoflemon on 24 February 2009:
I have to admit that for awhile I did take it personally, mainly because of the amount of hits. I thought damn, what’s wrong with me? what did they see that they didn’t like? But I got over that when for a few reasons. I realized that the vast majority of these guys i wouldn’t have responded to anyway and then i began reconizing names from chat. people just curious to see who they’ve been talking too. but mostly because i realized i’ve done the same thing. So now I don’t see it as rejection but for what it is, window shopping.
Comment by homesteader on 24 February 2009:
Post several pictures / If you have children at home their pictures are A Big part of a Family Package , which is what you are if you Think a Father should care to see them if you talk - who nows maybe someone would like to meet you because of them . Pay a three month subcription / might get Lucky - Believe
Comment by homesteader on 24 February 2009:
Paying for Experience / Is not wasted money if You Learned something We have all Enjoyed helping others . When they are in need of help . To a limit think they call that Christian
Comment by homesteader on 24 February 2009:
I still like that ” Made in American ” tag in the collar . All people have opinions and that is All they are in comments / Don’t use Titles . Stay neutral , Learn everyday .
Comment by Sciencegeek on 25 February 2009:
homesteader forever the philospher. Good job and thanks for the countless advice.
Comment by 911medic on 25 February 2009:
Hola!
I agree with most of the comments made by everyone; it is a multi-faceted dynamo that is, in many ways, philosophical and rhetorical. Yes, we all look at profiles, for a variety of reasons. These include:
1) picture
2) age pref
3) tag line
4) location
Once we open the profile, we look further:
(for me anyway)
*smoking prefs (I smoke occasionally, and even though I never smoke indoors or usually even around other people, I get ‘auto-reject’ which I think is stupid so I never attempt even tho in every other aspect we could be 100% compatible)
* Instant turn-off’s (for me)
- long sermons about religion
- Claims of ‘no baggage’ (c’mon, be REAL ! We ALL have some!)
- Cropped photos where there is obviously some other ‘partner’ cut out (tacky and shows lack of class)
There are others that we I and we ALL look at. Suffice it to say, all of us should perhaps re-examine our selves, as well as our profiles, and give it the ‘would I’ test — Would I date myself?
Comment by 911medic on 25 February 2009:
On another note:
What’s up with the ‘I’d love to hear from you’ replies? I responded countless times, only to never get a reply. Mind you, I keep the initial one pretty simple:
name, location, age, regular email address and IM addy to further facilitate conversations
Where am I going wrong?
Comment by Esmayali on 26 February 2009:
911 medic:
my 2 cents;
I receive many hits during the day. I don’t smoke and I can’t be around people that smoke for several reasons. For me It can trigger a severe allergic reaction resulting in a athma attack. It’s not necessary for one to do it in my presence. For the smell lingers on one’s hair, clothing, etc, and can be tasted in a kiss. So, don’t take it personal. In my opinion health is first. Therefore, if he smokes I keep it moving, for I am sure that there’s someone out there for me with a more compatible lifestyle, and for you.
Religion: I am very spiritual. Is important for my partner to know this, because I meditate a lot, participate in several metaphysical classes that includes Reiki, drumming, etc. So, religion is key for me also when I am looking for friends, etc. It’s easier when we are on similar paths
Finally, What do you consider baggage? For me I don’t have any. Never married (by choice) , no kids (by choice), open mind to any thing that produces growth and improvement. Never had an abusive relationship, travel very often. What I am saying is - don’t get discourage because she or he does not have baggage. We choose our reality. I have always believed that what a person have is exactly what they want.
Comment by salsera77 on 26 February 2009:
Thank you, 911 medic and Esmayali,
for your comments and I agree with you
as I am being poo pooed because I’m passing up someone who smokes and is not geographically compatible to me.
Both hold unfavorable issues regarding health and
practicality for me. I’ve been there and done the long distance stint, the boyfriend with child relationship stint before and I’d be extremely hard-pressed to do those things again since I’m happily in the same position you’re in, Esmayali regarding children and marriage.
Comment by salsera77 on 26 February 2009:
Addendum
….of course I do want to eventually be in a committed marriage though.
My question on this particular site since
people live so far away from each other is are you basing your decisions on how much she/he can get on a plane and come to visit you?
You hit the interest button but are you really going to travel to him/her regularly if you hit it off?
Men: If you live out of town, How much time do you plan to spend traveling to see her? First time only then 50/50%, 100% of the time, 50/50% ,60%/40%, 70%/30%?
Men: You hit the interest button, she hits the interest button back. Why don’t you email her?
Comment by Kasteph17 on 26 February 2009:
Someone please come to my rescue, am tired of being single,and no man seem to be serious with me, or is it because of were I come from? Come on, Kenya is a good country!
Comment by Esmayali on 26 February 2009:
I don’t think it’s the country or you. You are a good looking girl. It’s a good idea not to limit yourself. Be open to more racial groups. If you limit yourself to one group of people, your choices are limited to that particular group of people. Also write more about yourself and the things you like to do. Like me, you will find men that need more than a beautiful face. I get emails from nice looking guys but then I read the profiles and find that we have nothing in common or that they din’t have much to say. So I keep it moving. If you are persistent you are bound to find that which you seek.
Comment by Jazie on 26 February 2009:
I’m new at this but I don’t take the “no contact” as a sign of rejection. If someone checks my profile out and finds something that no longer interests them they shouldn’t make contact…really what would be the point?
Comment by girlsixdiva on 18 March 2009:
I think an even bigger problem is the people who look at the pictures in the profiles and write you without even reading anything in your profile. Then you get an “oh my bad” when they’re way on the other side of the country and have “not willing to relocate” on their profile.
Comment by fearlesscrus on 20 March 2009:
Kasteph, I’d love to come to your rescue…but you’re thousands of miles away from me. You’re thousands of miles away from most of the men on this site. If you lived in New York City or even anywhere in America, you’d have way more men available. You’re willing to relocate anywhere in the world, but you wouldn’t want to relocate for me until you got to know me better than you can without our spending a lot of time together. Also, your preferred age range excludes me and many others. Sure we all have preferences, but they do limit what’s available.
Comment by TriChique on 20 March 2009:
Well I agree with the article and what most have posted.
After seeing so many - no drama, no baggage on others I think I included it in on my profile.
The smoking preference - I have asthma so smoking is a deal breaker. I have had someone try to hide it, I found out anyway.
Comment by tdrom on 23 March 2009:
I also think the article is correct as well. Everyone has different preferences and everyone is not for anyone. So just focus on improving the self and it will reflect through the writing. I think what unnerves me instead of people who visit another’s page without contact, is once the contact is initiated the response is more so a one liner.
I mean, there is a reason why you have all this space to write about one’s self. This is why its call online dating. Because besides the picture you post, the viewer should read or want to read to find out more about the inner workings of beautiful face. At least pick something out it to show that you could read =)
What would make me view a page and not contact them is education. I’m not expecting a genius, but at least show whether you have made an attempt in education or if not, what success you have encountered despite your education status
Comment by mts2sea on 23 March 2009:
tdrom was correct when noting that the one line responses are unnerving. When one takes the time to review and respond to your profile, simple manners presume at least a cordial rejection; or if an interest is peeked, then perhaps a few lines of witty banter, or harmless flirting. But, do something!
Comment by cometdog on 27 March 2009:
I don’t mind getting alot of views. I guess it is kinda like car shopping. It is a large thing in someones life. So you look alot maybe take a few out for test drives (message). I wish some of the ones that emailed me a few times and never replied back after the last message would have said something. I am also glad to find that I am not the only one that is getting hit by those scam artist from over seas. I kind like what Ebony Colt said about finding some one near. I almost would feel honored to have someone from the same state message me. If I could get some one with in a half a days drive at least I would have a chance to go and have a date on Friday evening and then Lunch date on Sat then go home kinda thing. But it becomes more complicated with they are soo far away.
Comment by homesteader on 27 March 2009:
26 hours on a Big Dog Express my Babie spent to travel to me , we rode home scraping the road cause the shocks on the car were broken . April tenth be two years Married
Comment by homesteader on 27 March 2009:
Believe ; All things start in the Beginning
Comment by spirit773 on 31 March 2009:
This is a timely discussion.3 days ago i gave myself the task of ‘favouriting’ 10 men because even i was getting tired of my excuses for not contacting someone. I have made myself look through goodness knows how many profiles of guys across the board .After going through the pre-requisite sifting i’ve come to the conclusion i must be a freak of nature destined to repeat Brando’s ‘Coulda been a contender’ monologue to the end of days to anyone who’ll stand still long enough to listen
I love intelligence in all it’s guises , i think that it’s seductive. However, i wonder whether it’s more important for women and whether we are less threatened by it than men are ?
I have considered ‘dumbimg down’my profile but decided ultimately that i have to be me . I will keep on looking .Although I have to admit i have been lured into to a profile only to find some semi-naked shot .. a turn off for me… leave something to the imagination. You know the kind the he’s half naked with his tongue hanging out or the 1st photo is of him in the office and then the 14th is of him in his bedroom telling you to’ Come to Papa’.Unfortunatley your eye can only focus on the delightful pale green washing basket he forgot to move out of the picture. Then you read the profile of the PhD graduate whose spelling and grammar are really suspect . Or what about all those ‘grown’ men who should now better than to try and be part of the text-speak generation.
I’m a big girl i know and accept that i won’t appeal to everybody because not everybody appeals to me. I don’t fret about it because life’s too short .Besides which i truly believe that first and foremost we must believe in and love the beauty that is within all of us.
I’ll keep looking and in the interim hope that i find the most exotic specimen of the male species…the literary man .
Comment by Esmayali on 1 April 2009:
Well put spirit 773 !
Comment by homesteader on 1 April 2009:
When seeking another online , Distance is a factor / all of Us know what we Desire . Some of Us think that as we were all born Naked , that is one thing All People have in common - No doubt . I being one of those Men , that always saw Intimate Moments as a Large part of a Relationship . Which I will call Reality in Life , have shown my body parts at another Date Ting site as do Women show parts of their naked chest / Only because they think it maybe of Attraction to a Man . Love includes more than just Sex , alas We all Like an attractive person to be seen with . The pot of Gold at the end of the Rainbow , moves with the Sun and the rain clouds . As a Couple , We decided to grow together until all of Our Desires in Life become Reality . ” You can’t always get what you want ” don’t remember who sang that song . You can however work together for a Fuller life if you want . The Perfect mate does know exist , because we all desire to find someone different from Us . My wife wanted a Man and I wanted a Woman . Cannot get any simpler than that .
Comment by homesteader on 1 April 2009:
Believe , Grow old together
Comment by spirit773 on 2 April 2009:
The distance question is a complex one. When i first joined the site i was very open to moving anywhere in the world, with my children naturally.Then last summer my eldest son presented me with the most beautiful present i’ve had in years.. my exquisite grand-daughter. She has definitely made me change my view more.
I’m studying Russian at university.The requirements of the degree are that in your 3rd year you spend a year out in Russia. I’m writing this note on another grey day in Moscow .I have to say that separation from my children and grand-baby has been extremely tough.I know that my kids are grown/growing up but this time away from them has forced me to reflect truthfully on whether i could honestly be separated from them again. The answer , at this point , is truthfully no.
I recognise the effect that will have on my choices .Yet it does not mean that i am any less committed to being in a relationship. So , i guess in essence what i’m trying to say is that when you read in a profile that someone doesn’t want to relocate , don’t disregard them. Their reasons may in all probability not be based on selfishness but on love.
Comment by BrownB09 on 3 April 2009:
I get discouraged when I start to chat with someone I really connect with or if someone keeps sending flirts and no reply! I get frustrated sometimes
Comment by spirit773 on 4 April 2009:
BrownB09-Don’t be discouraged. We meet people who play games in all spheres of our lives why should an on-ine dating site be any different ? Better to have found out their inconsistencies early than to give your heart and have it broken. All things will come , don’t be frustrated.Go on positively an peacefully with your life and give thanks and praise that somebody somewhere loves you enough to keep you away from people who are not worthy of you.
Comment by BrownB09 on 4 April 2009:
Thank you Spirit, you are a very intelligent woman!
Comment by southernmoca on 9 April 2009:
It use to bother me when someone would look and look and look but never speak or type, but then I started to realize. The right man for me while not play games. He will read my words and realize this woman is serious so I better be serious if I want to be part of her life. If he passes me by after seeing my pic and profile then I know he is not the one God has set aside for me, and we all know God knows best. Lets remember people…quality is better than quantity any day of the week.
Comment by southernmoca on 9 April 2009:
i meant to type…will not play games***
Comment by spirit773 on 10 April 2009:
Don’t you find your ‘broad-mindedness’ gets tested in the strangest places? I know that at times mine has been whilst i’ve been on this site.
Why would any right thinking grown man write in the public part of his profile that he’s packing 9″ and he’ll be gentle with you ?! I know that i should have been impressed and that my broad-minded self should have been saying ‘If thats how he chooses to represent himself it’s his right’ .However,only two words came to mind…’Vile’ and ‘Nasty’.
I don’t know about you sisters, but i have never deliberately looked at a profile where the writer has a profile name with any of the following words (or combination of them) including any derivatives:
Freak
Stud
Inches
Juicy
Flows
Hoss
Bamboo
Alpha-male
Slave
Sixty-Nine ( or even 69)
Cream
Muscle
Sexy
Any of the above in combination withe word ‘Love’!
There are guys whose profile name looks totally innocent.You decide to take a look and find a profile full of ‘Find out laters.The only other information you get is that he is a submissive looking for his ‘Chocolate’ dominatrix. You make a hasty retreat and press the ‘Remove me from X’s who’s looked at me list’ several times just to make sure Mr Beat-Me-Please can’t ever contact you !
There’s evidence enough on some profiles to make you wonder whether some men ever really leave the ‘boy’ behind.
Yes, i expect my man to deliver in our physical relationship but i also expect him to show his ‘quality’ (class)well before we get that point.
Comment by BrownB09 on 10 April 2009:
Yes Spirit, I received two flirts from this one guy, and he was like, hey pretty woman, I am attracted to you!, email me at such and such, you won’t be disappointed! He was quite handsome so I said ill chat with him.
I was offended because he wanted me to come spend the weekend with him and said he loves spending
money and that he’s always a gentleman!
When I told him that he must have lost his mind, he never responded and I never heard from him again.
I was a little disappointed but I wasnt angry. His loss
I just wish I could believe that there aren’t guys out there who just want to have sex, but I know there are and its sad. Oh yeah Spirit and what about the pervs that want to you to email them more revealing picture!
Comment by Esmayali on 10 April 2009:
After reading the above post I am going to tell you about a friend that I met on this site, however, first I must say that:
Don’t be disappointed. Losers are common on dating sites. It’s a fact that the majority of men on dating sites are just looking for “booty calls” A very
small percentage are really looking for a relationship.
Now my story:
I met a member on here who has been a member for almost 2 years. Not a bad looking man. He described his relationship as “dating” and having a lots of ” FUN”!
As I got to know him better he told me that he was not in the ” financial” position to have any “real relationships” and that paying $60 yearly afforded him more “but” than he could handle.
He imagined what he wanted his life to be like and that is exactly what he wrote on his profile. Nothing of what he wrote is true. For example: I am a producer, etc, etc, all a figments of his imagination. He loves skype and always tries to get new unsuspecting victims to d-robe for him. I appreciate him because I was clued in and I can now interview potential men better.
Comment by BrownB09 on 10 April 2009:
Youre right Esmayali,
Im new to this site (just shy of a month) and all the men I met seem cool at first, then they turn out to be ***holes! I have one friend that I chat with everyday who is cool, but he lives on the other side of the country! LOL, after reading your story, I hope I don’t run into someone like that! Thanks for the heads up!
Comment by wooddragon13 on 16 April 2009:
It’s a numbers game. If I’m like most people on here, the number of photos you have helps people determine if they want to pursue. Some people have a winning photo that triggers an instant response. For the most part, I would say if you want to get more responses, have a face pic and a full body pic. It may sound shallow, however at the least, you’ll know the person contacting you has seen your best/worst and is still interested in finding out more about you.
Comment by BrownB09 on 16 April 2009:
Yeah,It may sound shallow but Im telling you, I think if you keep updated pics and full body pics youll get more response. When I first subscribed, I didnt have that many full body pics and most guys were like send a pic, or want hook up through the webcam so they can see you, and Im not feelin’ that all the time especially when we first start talking!So yeah I think everybody should definitely post a full body pic.
Comment by spirit773 on 16 April 2009:
Wooddragon13 ..The world is full of good looking sociopaths. Online dating is, to put a it bluntly, a marketing site and the product on the market is you.Everybody on this site ( indeed any dating site) ‘pushes’what they comsider to be their USP.Admittedly sometimes on some profiles information both visual and written is a little misguided. BUT, that is just my opinion which is entirely subjective and therefore i fully accept that someone else may find beauty where i have not. However,i’m assuming that your comments are aimed entirely at women because i note that on your profile you don’t follow your own advice.
Comment by ycrem on 16 April 2009:
because…
they look, cos they just look and not write, cos they don’t want to
Comment by girlsixdiva on 16 April 2009:
Hey spirit773 has a point there. That dude was talking about how people should have full body photos yet all 5 of his photos are head shots!!!
Comment by BrownB09 on 16 April 2009:
Spirit773,I also felt that he was directing his comments specifically to women. Some men are shallow and quite superfical. I have some issues with looks that may be a little shallow.(when I say this I mean certain appearances I find endearing in a man)
But mind everyone, I do not go around worrying about what others think of me nor would I exclude myself from being involved with a man because he may not posses some of these qualities that are physically attractive to me. But I have to confess that I like attention.
Comment by homesteader on 17 April 2009:
Sometimes ; People do not have another present to take their full body Photos .
Comment by CanadianGC on 31 May 2009:
Well I don’t agree with the “Most of us run to online dating when finding a date offline fails” part.
Dates are easy to find or at least in my experience.
Using this or any other site is just another venue to meet people.
As for people who just look and never approach, it’s really no different than any other situation or place.
Lots of people look when your at a club, out for dinner, in the park.. but they never do approach.
Males and females should simply learn to smile, saay hello and go from there.
Comment by buckbaker on 6 July 2009:
Some of the reasons I look but not respond to a profile, other than the ones already mentioned are things like women who describe themselves as “diva” or profiles with lots of slang or explitives. If I see the word “gurl” or “blaque”, I move on. Then there are the obvious liars. (22 years old and a doctor?) Please don’t insult the little bit of intelligence that I have, Doogie. And speaking of education, when I see thirty-somethings who’s occupation is “student”. Sorry. And then there are the teachers who can’t use the proper contraction for the words “you are”. And finally there are the pictures or in a lot of cases, lack there of. If you have 5 blurry, out of fucus pictures of you, self taken with your cell phone. If you can’t find a friend to take one decent picture of you, I don’t have time for you. If you are thirty something and you see the need to post your high school graduation picture something is wrong. And of course let’s not forget all the pictures of you and some other guy. Ladies I know that you have fathers or brothers or sons or cousins or guys who just happen to live next door. I’m interested in seeing what you look like, not him. And finally if your profile says that you don’t smoke or drink, please don’t post the picture of you with the cigarette hanging out of your mouth and the bottle of Jack in your hand.
Comment by BrownB09 on 6 July 2009:
In addition to too many “find out later” responses, I also ignore the profiles with pics that look like they’ve been taken like 20 years ago! LOL, ive seen alot more of this lately. One pic looked so old, you could see like the ripples and ridges,lol. Im like okay you got any recent pics!!
Comment by dolly48 on 22 July 2009:
Personally, I dont really care what a person looks like, i am trying to get a feel for what their heart is like. One man said he was told he looks ugly, but i did not see that?
When I was a child, I saw an article of a woman in the newspaper; her photo was “ugly”. I wondered why such a person was in the paper. I read about her: “saved 300 slaves from the underground railroad” etc etc. It was Harriet Tubman. I began to feel ashamed of myself, and from that point on never looked at “ugliness or beautY” in a person. On the contrary, I have had contact with men who were “drop dead gorgeous” and were so self-centered and stupid I couldnt stand them!
That is one reason I havent put my photo up; I want men to get to know me, via my words. If I appeal to them, fine, if not, that is still fine.
Looks have nothing to do with how a man is inside.
Comment by oldschool56 on 28 October 2009:
Jazie, How right you are. But you know I just spent the money to suscribe here and the who is the first person that contacts me? A pervert…oh he was smooth…PMing me and you know how they chat in those one word/line responses…they know “LOL”, “Oh I see”..they make reference to something sexual to feel you out(tonights idiot told me everything is BIG in Texas trying to prompt me to ask him some stupid sexual question) poor things they try so hard to carry on a converstion and if you type more than one sentence they lose interest. This one decided after I wouldn’t sit in front of my cam like my profile pic, that he had a headache. Im sure if I would have even hinted to taking off something his headache would have miraculously disappeared. Thank goodness he claims he only paid for a month. So in the long run maybe its good that a majority of guys only look and dont contact..better they keep to themselves and let you think they are fools than to try to contact you and remove all doubt!!! I am really disappointed that my first contact almost left a bad image of afroromance. Im sure there are much better class of men out there who will do more than just look…