Warning: The article below may be offensive to some readers. This is not the objective. It is in no way meant to defame or inflame any parties, groups or persons.
Here’s a little to learn from Michelle Obama
Most of us have fallen for our first family, the Obamas … such a universal picture of love. This has even become something of an obsession, especially for quite a number of professional Black women, with many getting excited about the likelihood that they could find their own Obama. Some would give up anything just to meet a man like him.
One thing most women must realize is that Michelle didn’t meet him the way we see him now – all souped-up and successful. He was once broke and goofy - not the Black Prince Charming ideal many women would die for. Do you think these women would have looked at him in the same idolizing manner then?
We all know the well-worn narrative that the dating world is hard for Black women who want to date Black men that match them in academic and career success. Thing is, whenever the professional Black man comes along, there is always that big ‘BUT’:
He is intellectual but nerdy…
He is ambitious and focused but not social enough…
I am looking for a successful tall and hot man; not some pint sized nerd…
He’s hot but dances like he got two left feet…
And just like the rest of them, another Black man ends up being tossed right into the ‘friend zone’.
Many Black women want their own Obama. But if Michelle had adopted the kind of attitude above, then she wouldn’t have been the first lady today. Here is what we women (not just Black women) can learn from her:
Michelle saw past the goofiness, brokenness and big ears … she made the choice of straying far off the superficial and focused on an abundance of goodness Obama had. So if Black women are to defy statistics (that 45 percent of black women have never been married, compared with 23 percent of white women) then they need to be more realistic. Not to say there aren’t any perfect men but seriously, what are the odds of meeting a rich Havard scholar with the swagger of a rapper like Jay-Z and a baby face? If you are looking for a G like Tupac, chances are he’d be in the hood … not Havard.
My point is, if you are seeking to have a great relationship with a good Black man, they aren’t all taken. There are so many of them around. All you need to do is borrow a leaf from Michelle and see a man for who he really is and not what he has or how he looks. I am not saying you entirely give up on attraction coz it can’t be faked. Instead, be a little open minded … analyze your ideals. If Obama was given the chance of love way before gracing the covers of magazines countrywide, maybe more Black women might just find relationships they could believe in, if only they could dig deeper for men’s unseen potentials.
If Michelle had held Obama to presidential or some other superficial standards, would he ever have had the chance? Stop sizing up a man’s checkbook by his lifestyle. You might be shocked to find that the guy buying rounds of shots has maxed his credit card and the one having some $2 beer is worth a lot. Just coz a man has money don’t mean he’s gotta flaunt it.
Best advice I have read so far is from the article “Five things to consider before the next man passes you by” :
“Single women should avoid using Barack Obama’s résumé as a job description for a position they’re trying to fill or treating their next boyfriend like a prospective applicant … So if a man … meets 83 percent of your criteria and you still let him pass you by, just keep that in mind when the next Michelle Obama gladly takes him and his corporate, grad school-impaired game off your hands.”
And how about eliminating the not-into-other-races ‘BUT’. If a guy fits the cut, he fits the cut – Black, White, Latina, Asian… Hey ladies, more often than not ‘less than perfect’ is perfect enough. There are so many good men out there. All you gotta do is open your microscopic eyes and you will see past their nerdy, goofy, broke (… fill in the ‘BUTS’…) selves.
Tags: black women black men, black white dating, interracial dating sites
Popularity: 23% [?]
Comment by homesteader on 14 July 2009:
The President got him a Pretty First Ladie when Michelle said ” I Do ” , two sides to every Love Story
Comment by first_time09 on 14 July 2009:
This is a great article which encourages us as women to be more open-minded. Where I’m from (the Caribbean) too many women lack the ability to want a good man, they talk about it, they cry about it, but their aim is to hook up with the most cute and popular guys, who turns out to be the guys that have no ambition or life goals, who are disrespectful, emotionally abusive and physically abusive.
Comment by Lyricesst102 on 15 July 2009:
Wow i totally agree. Black women have a tendency to hold men up to these unrealistic standards that at times they may not even be able to meet themselves. And that whole idea of ONLY wanting to be with a black man and denying other races is up surd. l mean its alright to have your preferences but when you are close minded and automatically place a good man in the friend zone due to his race or maybe because he seems less then perfect due to lack of money swag or dance moves makes me wonder what fantasy world are you living in where men have special order stamped on the bottom of their feet made just for you. l mean dont we all wish that loves policy is just like Bugger kings where”you can have it your way”. And it seems like every black women is searching for Denzel or the next Obama. Well news flash Denzel and Obama werent born rich and famous just like a lot of good men out there they too were diamonds in a rough. Dont get me wrong now im not saying to totally lower your standards just to find a man. im just saying that a lot of men are under construction and eventually they will turn out to be that beautiful house that you always dreamed of having. But you have to be open minded you have to be willing to see “the beauty in the beast” per say.
Comment by M.Elliot on 15 July 2009:
This was a great blog. To my knowledge Barak interviewed with Michelle Obama In 1989, Michelle was working at the downtown Chicago law firm of Sidley and Austin and was assigned the role of advisor to a summer associate from Harvard, Barack Obama. Barak was still in law school at Harvard and not in a position of power when he met Michelle. Michelle was well on her way to partner at the law firm while Barak was a thrify student. Michelle was resistant to the idea of dating a law student who was interning at the frim dring the summer, but after taking the time to get to know Barak she gave him a chance.
I think the article brought out some great points which men and women can both learn from especially in the African American comunity where tv stations such as BET videos oftentimes send out a negative message to men and women. Oftentimes Black men are searching for the video dancer gold digging groupies who have no depth or substance. Black women oftentimes search for the thug mentality wanna-be rapper/dope boy because BET videos and the media at large often represents them as being the acceptable men to date. BET and the mass media can not be blamed for everything. African Americans must also share the load of the blame.
When an ex king pin drug dealers and violent criminal like Jay-Z who used revenue from his inner city crack sells that destroyed the lives of countless people to fund a record and clothing empire is seen as a hero and desireable in the African American community their is a problem. Men and women in the African American comunity often view gangster rappers as the person to admire instead of Obama.
I am often surpised by how many African American women that have grauated from or are in college that admittingly still date, have dated, or currently still are open to dating men who are drug dealers. When asked why the response like the article is that “their are no good men out there and the educated men are goofy” of the famous “you cannot help who you love” response.
People like Bill Oriely are attacked by the African American community for calling on PEPSI to void a contract with Ludacris the gangster rapper because of his sexist and oftentimes demeaning remarks about African American women. Many other advocates like Bill Cosby are chastised by African American men and women for attaking corporations who sponsor African American gangster rappers like 50 cent, Little Wayne, ect… who advocate drug dealing, violence, and dehuminization to women.
When African American preachers, teachers, city officials,and parents start shunning “rappers like Snoops DOG,Little Kim, EVE, Puffy Combs, The GAME, Enimenem, ect… for their donations to the community and start praising the accomplishments of the clerck at Walmart, the man cutting grass, the mechanic, the guy pulling double shifts at McDonalds, or the college student because they are workng an honest job or pursuing honest careers then things will change. Thugs, drug dealers, and losers men only possess the power deeded to them by the women who continue to choose them. If women dont pick them they become powerless and are forced to make improvements.
Comment by aliekatt2 on 15 July 2009:
I would have. My God, could you imaging the intellect.
Ahhh yeah, I would have in a minute. A nerd too lol.
Comment by rarestgold on 15 July 2009:
Well I see why you started with a disclaimer - because yes I’m offended. You’re assuming an awful lot. I am a black woman who has dated guys who when people see us together go “what does she see in him?” I have always looked beyond the superficial but, what I have discovered is that short, tall, big, small, cute, homely - cuteness does not equate to intelligence, being tall does not mean you have any class (and I could go on but I think you know where I’m going here). And ALL the black women I know feel the same way I do. Now don’t get me wrong, I still feel that there needs to be some kind of chemistry physically but, not to the point that you’re nit-picky. So would I have dated Barack? If he approached me the right way - probably.
Comment by WHURR on 15 July 2009:
What the hell is Rodney Allen Ripley doing in that photo all grown up??
I thought this was about Barack Obama not Jack in the Box!
Comment by NO PLAYER on 16 July 2009:
@M.Elliot you’re on point.
I often say to the BW that I know personally, ” if you can’t find a good BM you probally don’t deserve one!”
Why would I say such a thing? I’d say such a thing because I know there are plenty of good BM out there.
If I found a woman that I wanted to be with, why wouldn’t I go after her, why wouldn’t I go out of my way to win her heart and why wouldn’t I strive to prove myself worthy of her affections?
Sounds like alot of work? Well anything worth having is worth working hard to getit! Right? Why is it any different with meaningful relationships?
BW are gulity of wanting the finished product and not the work in progress. Not all BW but far too many!
I’m sure every woman on this blog at one time in her life can point to some guy that you knew in her heart loved you and would have climbed the highest mountain to win your love but you passed him by for whatever reason you did.
Some of you are really thinking now because you know I’m telling it right!!!!!
It’s not totally your fault! BW are good at picking boyfriends but many make bad choices when it comes to selecting husbands.
Most of the BW I know tell me that the man they married wasn’t the greatest boyfriend but he made a good husband and the ones that made the best boyfriends weren’t too good as husbands.
Until more BW learn how to recognize a man’s potential and nourish his possibilties then many BW will let a good man pass them by.
Remember while you’re overlooking a good man, some other woman is looking him over!
Comment by yoyo99 on 16 July 2009:
The points above don’t just apply to black women, they apply to everyone who is looking for a partner.
We’re always tempted to be overly judgemental in applying our criteria for the perfect partner…so next time we’re considering whether a certain person migh be ‘the one’… it’s a good idea to look in the mirror (both literally and metaphorically)while we make the decision!
A diamond in the rough is still a diamond.
Comment by dolly48 on 16 July 2009:
It seems this article is assuming black women “want too much?” Would I have dated Obama then? If he was an intelligent gentlemen, yes, if a fool, no.
I dont think it is asking too much of the brothers to treat us with dignity and respect; to stop using the “b” word and calling us ho’s. I am not saying at ALL brothers do this but enough of them do that it is a problem. And yes, I have been disrespected by white fellows too and believe me I put them in their place.
Comment by Nandi on 16 July 2009:
You are right Ria, this is an offensive and defamatory article…Barack Obama and Michelle met at an prestigious law firm…So where’s the broke and poor part coming from? Surely, he was getting a paycheck as an attorney…When did that become a pauper’s pay?
Black women should, like all women should look for men that are compatible academically, financially, morally etc….Not to mention Michelle was a successful lawyer in her own right, like all women should be…When women have advanced themselves academically and financially…Well, they have a pool to pick from anyway…Men like Obama…irregardless of color has his own aspirations and goals and would have accomplished them with or without a women, which is the right attitude for women to adopt themselves..
Personally, I do not want a man that needs to be nourished…I prefer one who can stand his own ground, have his own goals in life..
Barack Obama was not a diamond in the rough when he met Michelle…He was already a employed attorney, involved in politics and a community volunteer…I would say he was laying his own bricks leading to the pathed road he now has…Michelle, just did what any reasonable wife would have done and that was to let her husband shine and support he goals in life.
Besides, both Barack and Michelle graduated from ivy league colleges and yes they tend to marry other ivy leaguers, no matter what the color…
Very few people graduate from Harvard and become broke and poor or needs nourishing. Same goes from those who graduate from Michelle’s college Princeton..They are usually top picks for corporate jobs….
And most people irregardless of race usually picks from their own soci-economic circles. After all, Obama was a community leader working in inner cities and other poor areas…He never asked any of those women for a date….I wonder why?
Comment by miri2008 on 16 July 2009:
I find the article to be offensive, because it is incredibly presumptuous. As pointed out by others on the blog, any demographic of persons can have poor judgment and unrealistic expectations in picking a life partner.
I find the article to be offensive, because while masterfully dishing out a put-down to women of color, it is promoting a calculated approach of ‘let me see how far I guess this donkey will run’ approach to choosing a life partner. That is no more honorable or wise than out-right gold digging.
While I am respectful of President Obama, and incredibly pleased to have an intelligent life form in the White House (at last - again), the private relationship that the president has with his wife has been cultivated and nurtured by whatever magic they conjure between themselves - probably not unlike the magic that any couple who love and respect each other and are socially, intellectually, spiritually, physically and culturally compatible. I am sure it has nothing to do with a superficial judgment by some outsider that he once was an unpolished nerd. Really, where do people get the nerve?
Everyone has to find their own magic with the person who has just the right combination of ingredients to stir them. And, what was the question? Back in the day, would the young Barack Obama have proven to be just the right combination for me? What an asinine question. I don’t know him as a person. How could I ever answer that? Oh yes, I’m sorry, I was supposed to compare him to a list of criteria: *Harvard Grad – check, *Snazzy dresser – check, *Excellent speaker – check, * Super intelligent – check, *President of the United States – huge check. Well, when I stop seeing men as human beings and start objectifying them, I will develop my checklist, and I’ll get right back to you on that.
Comment by M.Elliot on 16 July 2009:
I think we all have to date the time frame of the Article. A smart guy like Obama in college might have been the desireable and cool guy to date amongst African American women in the 60′-s through the late 80’s. But the image of what was considered to be swager in an African American male shifted with the transition from hip-hop to gangster rap.
Let us never forget the sad story of Mc-Hammer who at the top of his career was pretty much exiled from rap by gangster rappers and youth fascinated wih the thug appeal of rappers like Tupac, Snoop Dogg and Bigie Smalls. Hammer was exiled because although he grew up in Cali at the peak of gang violence, he refused to glorify drugs, guns, demeaning women, and gang violence. Compared to these aformentioned idividuals positive rappers were considered goofy cowards who had no street credability and should be shunned.
If we are to take the article in context of what the average African American Woman culturaly impacted by the 1990-present gangster rap age is seeking in todays society then one can rationally an reasonably conclude that Obama would not be chosen by the overwhelming majority African American women over TI, Ludacris, 50 cent, Tupac, ect… Obama is a clean guy much who represents a lack of swagger compared to the aformentioned individuals. Perhaps pre 1990 before the rise of gangster rap Obama (a clean cut guy) would have been desireable amongst African American women, but again this is doubtful since the Pretty Ricky of the Mack and Shaft also played large roles in changing the direction of cool in the African American community. This leads me to the conclusion that clean cut, intelligent, African American men like Obama, harry Belafonte, Sidney Portier, ect… controlled the swagger market in the African American community approxiately until the early late 1960’s early 1970’s. The effect of the Black Panthers and dominance of inner city gangs would virtually overnight redefine amongst African American women what black male masculinity should be.
Comment by M.Elliot on 16 July 2009:
NO PLAYER! I thought we had lost you. Welcome back, I always enjoy reading your post keep bringing it.
Comment by dolly48 on 16 July 2009:
“Until more BW learn how to recognize a man’s potential and nourish his possibilties then many BW will let a good man pass them by.”
I hope i unstoodstood you right? If he is a MAN, he should recognize HIS own potential and present himself as an ADULT, and be a MAN in my eyes the moment he says hello. He should have himself together already.
I can’t “nourish” anyone; what does that mean? If you mean I have to baby this grown man then i say I dont have time to RAISE an adult male. If you mean have his back and give him encouragement then i am all for that.
“Remember while you’re overlooking a good man, some other woman is looking him over!:
if he was good he would have stayed, if not the other woman can have him.
To the other gentleman who said:
“A diamond in the rough is still a diamond”…..
correct me if i am mistaken, but don’t dimonds come from coal? Which does a woman deserve, a lump of coal (a boy) or a diamond (a man)?
Diamonds only, please.
Comment by takinitall on 17 July 2009:
I am really starting to enjoy these blogs. As a super nerd myself I understand the value of inner beauty and intelligence. Once women evolve, we learn material things don’t really matter. For me a guy doesn’t have to make as much money as me to be with me, but he does have to work and have realistic goals. I am so sick of 40 year old aspiring rappers and actors or men so wrapped up in pyramid schemes trying to get rich quick rather than work. But what about the guy who claims to want a serious relationship, but looking for Beyonce or Holly Berry? Let’s be realistic, they are very beautiful women, but most women aren’t in that category and are average. Bottom line people, don’t ask for something in a partner you are not prepared to give yourself. Ladies don’t ask for a millionaire when you are unemployed and guys don’t ask for a beauty queen when you look like Flavor Flav. For the record I would date Flavor Flav as he seems like a fun person.
Comment by NO PLAYER on 17 July 2009:
We talkd about this at work over lunch and things heated up quickly between the men and women in our group.
The men accused BW of not knowing what they wanted and when they knew what they wanted, they wanted too much.
A valid point was bought up when a guy stated, ” if you (BW)only wanted a guy to treat you with respect and show that he really cared, most BW of you would be married because at one time each of you had that type of man that you say you wanted but you let him get away or passed him by for some other guy that gave you hell from that day forward!”
If it’s only about a guy being intelligent and respectful of you, then why are so many women still single? Are you saying there’s just not enough BM available to treat you with the respect and dignity you want?
If so, where are the women from other ethnic groups finding these BM, the same ones that many BW are saying there’s a shortage of?
I would love for someone to answer this question for me?
I’ll close on this one on one of my grandmama’s quotes, “if you continue to find yourself by yourself maybe you should take a look at yourself!”
Comment by Musicman65 on 17 July 2009:
Great article. I am a very open minded guy and to be honest many of the women I have encountered on this site (and other online sites) will shot you down right away if you are not like 6ft tall (Im around 5′8), or do not have tons of cash or whatever. I give Michelle tons of kudos. You see this with almost all of our Presidents or leaders or celebrities - most came up from nothing and were not the “greatest dancers.” Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Harry Truman, hell even James Brown (5′5 and born penniless)…What about Dr. King? He was 5′6 and chubby on a good day and was turned down repeatedly by his future wife until she finally said yes. King was so short that he stood on boxes at speeches - read his biography. What would race relations be like today if people said to him - your too short to be a leader…ponder that…Women are constantly saying men are unrealistic, ok - read some of the female profiles - they read like science fiction novels.
Comment by quietType on 17 July 2009:
that one lady has a crystal ball that’s telling her who BO wasn’t dating when he was doing Community Service?
Quick, let me date this woman. I’ll supply the romantic candle light dinners; she only has to tell me what price soybean futures are gonna be selling at, in 2 months.
Comment by Vanillalvr on 17 July 2009:
“Warning: The article below may be offensive to some readers. This is not the objective. It is in no way meant to defame or inflame any parties, groups or persons”. Offensive to “some” readers? Black women were blatantly called out here and although I haven’t responded to many blogs on this site, I feel compelled to respond to this particular one.
As I read this article, I must honestly say that it was offensive, because it was extremely presumptious. As an African American woman, I have ALWAYS been open to dating men of all races and have ALWAYS been attracted to the intellectual man or “Nerds” (as you say) over the “thug” or “thug-swagga” anyday. Yes, I would have been attracted to Barack and have given him a chance in a minute! There are a number of reasons why. He is an educated intelligent man with vision and passion for what he believes in. He exudes leadership qualities and confidence which is extremely sexy to me and to most women. Women LOVE a man who knows how to lead well. His charisma, charm and fun personality is alluring. Barack also values his family and highly esteems his wife, which shows respect. Barack understands the importance of living a balanced life. While tediously campaigning for the presidency, he set aside time to spend quality time with his daughters and buy his wife flowers and take her out for their wedding anniversary. Now that he’s running this country as President, he still finds time to take his wife to a broadway show & dinner and daily schedules “Michelle time” with his new puppy Bo. Things didn’t magically change that he became President. He was this person BEFORE he became President and it is these qualities that Michelle saw in him and qualities like that is definitely attractive to ANY woman.
I too am a woman of depth and I look at the intention of the man’s heart and not his bank account. It is also nothing wrong for a woman to set standards for herself and desire a man who is financially stable (not rich, but financially stable). A man is suppose to be a provider for his family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being rich either. However, when considering a mate, there are other factors that will win me over, long before his bank account.
Statistically speaking, African-American women make more money in corporate America than African-American men, so it’s not the money that is a motivating factor for myself and most black women (as with Michelle). That is a myth that needs to die!. It is an unfair for people to keep targeting black women with statements suggesting that we are gold-diggers or too picky, which is the reason that we do not “have a man”. Statistics have also shown many reasons such as black-on-black crime, black men in jail, Down-Low/Gay men, etc. etc. etc. which is the real reason that African American women out number the black male in record numbers. However, when I read countless articles including this one, African American women are the ones that are put on blast, as if we are continually doing something wrong in our approach to dating or just about anything to say the least and I beg to differ. Putting one particular race on blast in articles (more often than others) is very disconcerting.
There are some men who have posted some very good responses to this article. Ria, I only hope that you use more wise judgment in your future post.
Comment by Cocoacutie94 on 18 July 2009:
Ladies, I say, “keep your standards no matter what”; settling is the enemy of happiness. Besides, Michelle wasn’t that risky. Obama had graduated from Harvard already which showed he had determination and initiative on his part. I’ll take a goofy, broke Harvard graduate more than a sexy, rich basketball player anyday!
Comment by NO PLAYER on 18 July 2009:
@dolly48
I didn’t mean taking care of no grown ass man by a long shot. I trully believe a man should be able to provide for his woman and any children they may have together.
You stated a man should already have himself together, well that would depend on what you mean by “having it together”.
A man with stable employment, strong work ethic, emotionally available and has moral principles, by normal standards has it together.
A college degree, six figure income, and a Lexus parked in his drive way is no indication of him having it together but I’m sure that’s not what YOU meant.
Too many BW feel that economic, career, and education compatabiltiy is the yard stick by which you measure a man’s abilty to be a loving and devoted mate and it aint so.
If men viewed women in that manner, marriage would be on life support as an institution.
As men we’ve married women when their status was’nt on level with ours. We’ve married women with children from other men, provided for and loved them as our own. We’ve help put women through college, we’ve denied ourselve the fruits of our own labor to upgrade a woman’s standard of living.
Why, for no other reason than we loved YOU! So how in the hell can some of these women act as if a man not on her “so-called level” is in some way unworthy, that’s insane!
I found it sad when I was back at home in St. Louis and I went downtown to Happy Hour and I meet this beautiful sister in there drinking herself half silly drowning in self pitty.
After listening to her talk about herself and all she’d acomplished from the promotions to the condo the conversation did a 360 degree turn when I said, “I’m sure your man is proud of you”!
All of a sudden it’s, ” men aint shit”, “they cant handle a strong BW” and ” the only man I need runs on batteries and always hits my spot”!
You know they say drunks and children are very honest!
I knew if I kept her drinking and talking I could get to the true issue at heart so I kept her glass full. LOL
Before it was over she admitted that she wasted too much time chasing someone elses image or idea of what a good man is and how she might never find real love.
She even went as far to say that the guys around here (I guess she meant to professional men at the hotel bar)only saw her as ” high class ass” or “a trophy bitch!”
It hurt me to hear this beautiful and intelligent woman talking like this so I had to leave her with something to think about.
I told her that she was too beautiful and smart to deny herselr the beauty of real love because she’s to worried about what her circle of friends or her co-workes would think if she expanded he dating choices to include “the average JOE as well as the CEO!”
I told her, “the next time you’re on your way to lunch and a construction worker smiles and asks you out to dinner, get his number and tell him you’d be honored to go out with him and tell him thanks for asking you out!”
I told her, “you’ll get more marriage proposals than junk emails”, she smiled,laughed and said, “I’ll give it a try because this shit here (the Happy Hour scene) aint working.”
What’s sad is the fact that this beautiful sister wasn’t or isn’t the only BW that has gone through this unnecessary drama.
Peace!
Comment by yoyo99 on 19 July 2009:
Cocoa: What about a sexy rich basketball player who graduated from Harv?
Comment by MEA1954 on 19 July 2009:
I find nothing charming, appealing or interesting about Mr. Obama. And I am tired of people accusing Whites who dislike Obama as being racist. He is no less a war monger than Bush or Cheney. And his arrogant attitude is a turn off both personally, and politically!
When this country goes down the tubes, don’t blame me…I did not vote for him!
Peace, Mary Ellen Armstrong
Comment by cocoacutie94 on 19 July 2009:
Yoyo99: Only if he attended Harvard for academic reasons. I have nothing in common with jocks. Most of the athletes I have encountered are very superficial. He has to be grounded, cultured, and esoteric. A fancy car, house and expensive clothes do not impress me. Substance does.
Comment by miri2008 on 19 July 2009:
You know, I’ve been on this site for about two months now, and I’m really enjoying the blogs… but I wish we could be fed a less constantly racially charged diet of topics to mull over… for a site where people are intentionally making an effort to build bridges and create harmony across ethnic lines, I wonder why we keep getting topics which seem meant to highlight points of ethnic differences… with a heavy slant towards indicating that people of color are laden with ‘issues’…
Comment by Shotgun007 on 19 July 2009:
M.Elliott, getting off the subject a little, I noticed that you referenced JayZ as being a violent criminal/drug dealer etc. Would you happen to have a link or article review where this is listed as factual.
I’m not being funny here, the JayZ that I’ve heard about was the same one that after (becoming a millionaire) went back to the community he grew up in and purchased the building he lived in, & turned it into a more feasible living residential building for tenants. Pardon me, but I just have a lot of admiration for those that make it and give back to the community, I was truly unaware of his past destructive ways. What a shame.
Anyways, but getting to the article, I just disagree with parts of the article all together. Everyone has standards.
For black women, I just think we need to focus on thinking outside the standard of “Just Black Men.” Our blessing may not come in the form of a black companion/mate. Shotgun007
Comment by dolly48 on 19 July 2009:
Yo No Player
I wish you’d read your comments before you pass them on. As for the college education, the lexus, etc comment”
hey i dont care what type of car a man drives, or even if he has a car. However, if he is asking me for money to make that car note, there’s a problem.
As far as an college-educated woman, sure i am one of them. Is it asking to much to have something in common with the man one is with? The last man i “dated” (if you can call it that) was extrememly annoying. Here I was trying to make intelligent conversation, and all this 50 year old fool could talk about was “rap”. Yeah you read it right.
What’s with the “self-righteous” talk about “we’ve married women with children who weren’t ours?” BIG WOW! Maybe if you married the woman who did have your child you could stop complaining. Then again, with so many men having 20 “baby mamas” it’s difficult to find the ONE to marry, right?
When I went to college, I spoke to so many brothers and asked them to go too. I was called “stuck-up” and other names. They told me I thought I was white.
After college, when i made something of myself, I ran these same brothers.
Comment by dolly48 on 19 July 2009:
to No Player
(continued)
After college, I would see these fools again. Most had “just” gotten out of jail, or of course they were STILL living with their mamas.
If I didnt want that type of man, then of course I was “stuck up” and thought I was white.
Hmmm………..
Comment by NO PLAYER on 20 July 2009:
This article falls along the,”if the shoe fits, wear it” category. I know many women from various ethnic groups are guilty some of the things mentioned in this article, but I’ll address my point to BW.
This soap-opera, love novel and television based reality when it comes to relationships is making it difficult for many BW to find and keep good men.
What real man can compete with a fantasy? What sane man would even waste his time trying to?
As a woman you don’t want a man measuring you by how closely you resemble the rap video models or the latest female porn sensation.
These so-called standards or expectations that many BW have are not rooted in reality but they come from some foolishness they’ve read in a novel, seen on tv, in a movie or something they’ve heard from someone else.
Where did you get these ideals of what love should be like or feel like. Where did you get your opinion of what a real man is?
Did these beliefs and concepts delevope from the environment you grew up in and the examples you witnessed as a little girl in your own home between your parents?
Did you internalize all of this information as a result of up close and personal exposure and in turn formed your attitudes and beliefs about these things?
If not, where did you get it from and who gave it to you?
Anytime you form your ideals about love and relationships and what makes a man, a good man from a source outside of yourself, then got some issues.
It means you let others do your thinking, you doubt your own judgement, you accept other people’s truth as your truth, you look to other’s to confirm and validate who you’ll be with and last but not least it means you have no sense of self.
What sane person, man or woman should have to deal with somebody like that, hell I’d rather stay by myself before I subject myself to that madness!
Until BW and BM do away with these fantasy based expectations and come back to reality, we’ll always have problems forming positive and healthy relationships and will continue to point figures and assign blame!
” One that cant dance will often say, the drum was bad!” An African Proverb
Comment by dolly48 on 20 July 2009:
Response to No Player
Well, I have to agree with one thing you mentioned:
People have to stop believing the fantasy.
The “Cinderella/Prince Charming” concept hurts
everybody.
As a matter of fact, I think your comments should
be directed toward BLACK MEN (and other men as
well; maybe even yourself?)
What is a man? hmmm. I used to believe that a woman
could make a man a man. I now think that if he
wasnt a man in the first place, there is nothing
she can do. Personally I think a man is one who
knows who and what he is, without assessing blame
on “those people.” He takes care of his and his
family’s needs so they won’t have to do without the
necessities of life. He knows better than to
mentally and physically abuse his family. He knows
better than to roam the street looking for other
partners when he has a loving family at home.
illegal activity is “not his thing”. He knows how
to tell the truth, and teach his children the same.
If there are any problems with himself (alcholism,
drugs, etc,) he addresses them and gets help. If
there are problems with his lady friend, he
addresses them to HER and tries to find a
resolution.
These attributes must be directed to a female as
well, or at least what I feel a woman should be.
As you said: “if the shoe fits, wear it”.
Peace.
Comment by TanSexyHot31 on 20 July 2009:
I so agree with your posts cocoacutie, dolly48, and Nandi!!! And I just don’t understand some men’s logic on this board or elsewhere…. when an educated, self-sufficient black woman merely wants the same in her mate regardless of his color–WE ARE BEING UNREALISTIC AND ASKING FOR TOO MUCH???!!??!!?? Exactly why do OTHER women deserve men that have their act together but a sista does not? Why are so many men quick to try to get black women to settle for a man that doesn’t have the ability to bring as much to the table? And I am talking just simply being able to pay his own bills, not mine–and not continuously ask me for money. That is all most successful black women are asking for most of the time–honestly. Just PLEASE PAY YOUR OWN BILLS AND GET A REALY JOB, ANY LEGAL JOB WILL BE SUFFICIENT!!!!!!!
Comment by M.Elliot on 20 July 2009:
Hi Shotgun007,
Unfortunately New York does not has not adopted a Sunshine Law like the majority of States. Sunshine Laws allow private citizens to research the past public records of a individual regarding financial, criminal, real property holdings. Oftentimes, Jay-Z in candid interviews has often spoken of his past criminal history. What he has said in interviews is that he was removed from his high school due to his criminal activities (drug possession and distribution)and gang violene.
He was placed in Brooklyn Vocational High School. He continued to sell drugs under the auspices of his neighborhood gang affiliation and very similar to 50 cent used the monies to procure studio time. Jay-Z would eventually drop out of high school to commit himself full-time to sell drugs.
Jay-Z last arrest for a violent crime did occur on December 9, 1999 Jay-z unprovoked stabbed the owner of Unentertainment Records in the stomach with a knief and was origionally charged with attempted murder. At the time he denied all involvement with the incident until the evidence mounted causing him to plead guilty in return for the charges being lowered. A video tape of the incident showed the Jay-Z had in-fact committed the crime.
He was placed on 3 years probation for stabbing and unarmed man who did not provoke him in the stomach. This one of the rare articles can be accessed at http://www.vibe.com/news/online_exclusives/2009/05/365_jay/. Jay- Z in the inverview admits guilt and says he thought he had left his old lifestyle bhind and blames himself for almost heading back down that road with the stabbing.
Jay-Z’s songs also speak in depth on the criinal activities of his past life with great clarity and candor as does 50 cent.
I do understand the tendency of the African American community to oftentimes overlook the past history of autrocities of an African American individual who givss back to the comunity. As evident in the Movie American Gangster Frank Whtie to this day is still revered in NYC as a local hero by many African Americans although he is responsible for countless deaths, deformed children, and and generations of drug addicted babies being born in NYC due to his product.
One hand does not wash the other Shotgunn007. Large donations back the community doe snot wash the blood off Jay-Z hands. You might be asking what blood am I refering to? I will explain….
Jay-Z like many other African American boys (I say boy because only a boy would profit off the misery of others and sell drugs instead of working an honest job)sold drugs to en wmen and sometimes children. One might use the argument that Jay-Z only sold drugs and people and that we should blame the people who buy them. This argument is oftentimes known as the “I dont have a problem with it, as long as it is not in my back yard syndrome”.
You see Shotgunn007, Jay-Z’s selling of drugs to people we ae unconnected with might seem ok or non of our business, but what if Jay-Z or one of his past street soldier was selling drugs to your mother, father, or child? And suppose that as a result of using Jay-Z’s drugs your family member became addicted and eventually overdosed. Or suppose from Jay-Z drugs a family memeber killed another family member in a money raid for drugs.
The damage people like Jay-Z have doen does not stop when the drugs leaves his hands it actually begins. Think of the famlies torn apart, the cildren shot playing in the streets fighting over prime drug selling real estate,the innocent people robbed and killed by drug addicts seeking money to purchase from the drug dealers. It is clearly foreseeable by people like Jay-Z the consequences of his actions upon the lives of other. Yet cowards like him continued to destroy communities for money and a reputation.
Shotgunn007, No man/woman is an island unto themselves we are all conneted by an inescapable network of mutuality tied together by the fabric of destiny. I along with everyone is made lesser by anyone who harms another. One man/womans suffering diminishes the whole. Thus we must not allow a few good deeds to overshadow the many atrocities of Jay-Z and others like him.
To say jay-Z turned his life around because the drug money he flipped into studio time paid off is immoral because blood money is blood money. Jay-Z did not question his morality and come to the conclusion that what he was doing was wrong and walk away. Jay-Z left the street because his music career took off. If Jay-Z’s music career ever falters and he becomes bankrupt their is a great possibility he would return to selling drugs since he never left for the moral objections in the frist place. Many prisoners in prison for drug crimes return to selling drugs beause they never stopped volunary for moral reasons.
When we seek to glorify men like Jay-Z as communtiy leaders we began a descent down a slippery slope in which all men and women no matter what they have done can buy their way into herodom with fame or donation checks. Never forget Rome and every major kingdoms great downfall always came from corruption within because people were willing to toss their sense of right and wrongin the closet when it is conveyant or act ignorant to wrong going on around them . He who invites trouble intto his house with inherit the wind. This is the modern story of the African American community and our outright acceptance of the gangster rap and the rappers as role models.
Shows like 106 and Park which come on BET invite the next generation of AFrican American teens to come into a studio and watch gangster rap video and meet special gangster rap guest. Men like Litle Wayne and other rappers have a hance early on to inoctrinate the children into “What acceptable African American culure is”
We are in the era of the glorified gangster in which respectable law abiding African American men amongst the many gangster rap generation women are seen as an weak compared to the coward selling crack to a pregnant woman. As Chris rock so eloquently put it their is a cultural war in our community going on between African Americans and N&GG#RS. Sadly enough the African Americans are losing and prideful ignorance is becomming a community standard.
At some point Shotgunn007, one must take a stand and say no longer will we allow those who have destroyed the community to exploit it anyomore.
During the civil right movement Dr. King said that
“History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.”
We must stand up and call right right and wrong wrong.
During the holocaust a famous poem circulated:
they came first for the Communists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist;
And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist;
And then they came for the Jews, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew;
And then… they came for me… And by that time there was no one left to speak up.”
You see when we do not stand up the trouble eventually comes into your backyard Shotgunn007 and then their is nobody left to speak up for you.
In closing, he first stand is to reject such blood money money from people like Jay-Z and other drug oney donation. To take a stand oftentime sacrafice is needed, but such a stand is the first seedlings to community pride and respect The cmmunity can come together and find other ways to raise the moneey it might take longer to do so, but at least it would be honest moeny. I do not know abbout you but, I woul rather sleep on a dirt floor than take blood money.
I will also add that Jay-Z has never staed that his actions were wrong. For if a gangster rapper does stop glorifying the gangster rap lifestyle they cannot sell music. It remindsme of the wealthy man Jesus asked to give up his possession and follow him. The man walked away when faced with the premise of poverty. Donating to the poor, then exploiting the public through music that glorifies violence, drugs, and dehuminizing women does not give Jay-Z or other rappers clean hands.
When Jay-Z goes into the neighborhoods he helped destroy get downs on his knees and begs the firgiveness of the mothersof dead sons caused by his drug violence, When Jay-Z washes the feet of the mentally infirmed children who are a poduct of his crack sells to pregnant women, when Jay-Z viits the graveof the little girls that might hav ebeen shot playing in the park during one of his drug crews turf gun battles, then perhaps he has taken a small step tomaking right all the misery and suffering he has caused.
Sorry for the grammer no time to correct.
Comment by hansgruber on 20 July 2009:
People who idolize/obsess over celebs need serious mental assistance in the form of therapy and medication.
The author of this inane bilge frequently espouses her own opinion while attributing it to a greater population than in fact may hold it, while distorting and misstating facts, to suit her ideology. This is a form of mental psychosis and should not be confused with good writing.
This ‘debate’ has no merit because the premise that black women date white men because there are no/few black men up to their standards is preposterous on its face. I’m not even setting foot into that absurdity.
Comment by NO PLAYER on 21 July 2009:
@dolly
As far as the college education, etc. comment, I clearly stated, ” I’m sure that’s not what YOU meant!”
I was not implying that you felt that way.
What’s with the “self-righteous” talk about “we’ve married women with children who weren’t ours?” BIG WOW! Maybe if you married the woman who did have your child you could stop complaining. Then again, with so many men having 20 “baby mamas” it’s difficult to find the ONE to marry, right?
Come on dolly48, I thought we were trying to have a mature and serious dialog and here you come with cheap stereotypes and generalizations.
I was trying to point out noble behavior displayed by some BM, by showing that we can and do love BW without all of these conditions attached to our love.
As a young man growing up, the men around me never filled my head with these crazy expectations of what a women should have before I should marry her.
The conditions were very simple: she’ll be single widowed or divorced, have good sense, good character and a desire to be a wife and a good mother.
That was it, that was the main meal and anything else (college education, income or social affliations) was a side dish, those other things were only decoration on the cake!
Now those brothers who belittled you for wanting to go to college did so because they felt you were stepping out of the box that made them comfortable with you.
Keep in mind, just because he was a fool at 18 dont gurantee that he’ll be the same fool at 28, you’ve got to leave room for him to grow and develope and not write off his future by where he stands at the moment.
dolly48, once again I’m not here to trade low blows, I’m trying to have a serious dialog that will address some of the many issues that affect our relationships as a people.
It’s not my goal to offend or belittle anyone, I only hope to point out some behaviors that interfere with our ability to form and maintain loving and stable relationships.
No offense taken and hopefully none given!
Peace!
Comment by dolly48 on 21 July 2009:
Mary Ellen,
I realize that not everyone loves Obama, as do I. However, dont blame him for the state of America. There were 43 presidents before him, and he has just been elected.
One cannot expect him to clean up their mess in a few months.
Don’t blame Obama for the Bushes’ mess!
peace.
Comment by homesteader on 21 July 2009:
President Obama ; has two powers , First the power of Veto . Secondly the power to Declare war in time of National Emergency .
The Congressmen and Senators Bring all new laws to the President’s attension .
Blame some of them for the Inflation that took the price of a New Ford Falcon in 1966 of $1995.00 and increased these prices Tenfold . In only 43 years and some of them have been in office that long .
Our President got into his position by Hard Work / Knot how he looked on Camera .
He Deserves Our Trust and Confidence in his Journey .
Comment by dolly48 on 21 July 2009:
To TanSexyhot31
Right on lady! Don’t settle and dont take no mess!
To No Player
“Keep in mind, just because he was a fool at 18 dont gurantee that he’ll be the same fool at 28, you’ve got to leave room for him to grow and develope and not write off his future by where he stands at the moment”
Sorry, I dont have 10 years to wait until he grows up.
The problem I see is that when we are children, we (girls) are told to be decent, honest, and respectful. We are told we have to keep the family together at all costs, yada yada yada.
Boys are told they can do anything they want, anytime they want. “boys will be boys”. I decided long ago I am not going to be like women of the past and have a man beat on me, steal from me, leave me for another and then come crawling back with they had nothing to give. Etc.
Either he will be a MAN or he will GET OUT!
In high school, I remember a teacher telling girls about birth control, and how not to get pregnant. She did not even address the boys. When I told her to tell the boys to use condoms, she told me that yes they should, but it’s the WOMAN who bears the child and takes care of it 90% of the time. Boys will be boys? Not on my watch!
Be a man and handle your business or GET OUT!
Why is it that Women are told to give 110% but are belittled when we expect the same from Men?
Malcom X and Bill Cosby have spoken out about how some Black men are.
I am not here to argue with you or anyone else. I am not here to degrade anyone, but this article and some comments made here needed to be addressed.
Peace.
Comment by dolly48 on 21 July 2009:
and another thing:
to No Player
“Come on dolly48, I thought we were trying to have a mature and serious dialog and here you come with cheap stereotypes and generalizations”
just how do you think “cheap sterotypes and generalizations” get started? I hope I did not hit a nerve.
First of all, for any community to heal itself, it needs to have HONEST dialogue. I am sure you, I, and others on this site knows of a man that has several “baby mamas”, and dont take care of neither of them. These children cannot wait 10 years for “daddy” to get a job. They can’t wait 10 years for “daddy” to grow up.
No disrespect intended to you. I hope I have not offended anyone.
Peace.
Comment by Life2go on 21 July 2009:
To this blog I say GO Obama and Michelle… I am very hetero but I think 9/10 of the reason I love Obama is because he is a smart enough man to love a GOOD woman. Would I have wanted him then? I don’t know and I’m not so sure I want him now (other than to be our current Prez.) Don’t get me wrong, he’s a very attractive man and I think he was back in the day to but I’m kind of irritated by the implication that now that he is a successful “powerful” man Black women are all over it. Like we can’t like just your averagely successful or average average GOOD man working and pulling it together for his life and his family (or future family). I would love to be treated like the First Lady by my man but I don’t think I would want the country all up in my mix anyway.
One.
Comment by bigeyes31 on 21 July 2009:
To answer the question of this blog simply:YES
He would have had his pick of women because of his looks and you don’t have to be a celebrity to be handsome. Some women will take a man solely on his looks. He may not have a job or even be a good person. But I am so glad that President Obama is.
Comment by takinitall on 21 July 2009:
Wow this topic heated up pretty quick and crossed over to all kinds of things.
@Mea1954
Please don’t blame Obama for the state of the Union. He inherited this mess and deserves a fair chance to fix it. He is doing his best and have been criticized ever since with no support. This is a democracy and you can vote however you like. I encourage you to listen to all of the debates, and formulate your own decision. Confidence is not arrogance! I am proud to sat I voted for Obama, not because he’s black (I never voted for Jesse Jackson) but because he made sense and won every debate in my opinion.
@Noplayer
Breathe sweetie! You and I are usually in sync on these blogs. My grandmother would allways tell me “the better you become as a women the harder it is to find a man.” I never wanted to admit that she was right. I have 3 college degrees (soon will be 4, I am working on my second Masters now), good credit, own my own business, my own place, two cars and take care of my kids. Please understand it’s not that I have unrealistic expectations for a partner, but I can’t see myself with a man who can’t take care of himself (doing less for himself than I am doing for me). My expectations and requirements are going to be different than a woman who hasn’t graduated high school, but we both want a good man. All women regardless of race have expectations and requirements for a partner. Why is it different for BW? Far too many BM have become comfortable doing nothing and are waiting for a woman to rescue them. They want to sit back and complain about why they can’t or don’t have something rather than going for something real. I just wish that the good BM would stand up and mentor these young BM to help them understand their role as a man. The biggest problem is we women are forced to raise these boys alone. I hate to say it, but we coddle them and ruin them for adulthood. Again, there are some exceptions to all of this. The funniest thing to me is BM can date all other races, but once we do it we are a sell out, want too much or are a golddigger. How about we just want someone to be there for us and lead our family. All of the BW I know (including the married ones) want to fall into their God given role as a helpmate, unfortunately our family structure is so broken down they are forced to lead (and I’m not talking financially, I’m speaking responsibly). I still love to hear your responses, but they are a little hurtful on this blog, especially since your wife is German. What does your wife’s ethnicity have to do with anything you ask? The comments you are making can be taken as negative towards BW, thus implying your wife was easier to get along with and thats why we are single. Maybe some BW really hurt you, but be thankful God has sent you someone for you. Understand that we BW desperately want what you have, someone to love and cherish.
Bottom line “if you don’t stand for spmething you will fall for anything!”
Comment by Nandi on 22 July 2009:
Good for your Dolly48!!!!!
No woman should have to wait for some guy to grow up…You are not the clean-up woman or his therapist…Don’t let anyone indocrinate you into believing that you have to settle for less or assist someone through their growing pains….
I know I wouldn’t settle, understand or willing to wait for someone to have some kind of growing up revelation…Please….Get off my back and stand on your own two feet.
I only have one child that is in college now, however I do not plan on having any children nor do I date men who have small children, your income does matters because I have a quality of life and I not giving it up nor will I settle for less than what I have now…For my age group, you really should have accomplished a steady income and career by now…So, no I will not assist with that….I intend to enjoy my empty nest and part-time mother status, I travel outside the country, have a vacation home….Have no desire to wait and/or assist anyone…Good for me, the man I am currently dating..children are grown, he is on his second career (retired from the military) and he likes that he can now have his toys and enjoy his life…Because the reality is most men are not willing to start from scratch and lower their standards of quality of life for a woman neither….
And women should be the same….That is the one good thing about internet dating, is that you can be totally honest and people will either agree with your profile of keep on looking…Which is a good thing.
So Good for you!!!!
Comment by NO PLAYER on 22 July 2009:
@TanSexHot31
Thanks for post and I’ll address three of your questions:
when an educated, self-sufficient black woman merely wants the same in her mate regardless of his color–WE ARE BEING UNREALISTIC AND ASKING FOR TOO MUCH???!!??!!??
Exactly why do OTHER women deserve men that have their act together but a sista does not?
Why are so many men quick to try to get black women to settle for a man that doesn’t have the ability to bring as much to the table?
First let me say, no sister should even waste her time with a man that’s not self supporting and gainfully employed, we both agree on that.
“A man having his act together” well that depends on what YOUR ideal of ” having your act together” is.
I view a man that goes out and works hard everyday, supports himself, is active in his community and has strong family values, is a man that has his “act together” in my eyes, regardless if he brings home more, as much or less income as his wife.
As far a man not having the ability to bring as much to the table, do you mean love, honesty, respect and the ability to support his wife and children or do you mean an income that matches or exceeds yours? Please explain because I really want to understand you!
@ dollly 48
I’m well aware of how the behavior of SOME BM have impacted the community and your comment about the men with all the baby mamas has some truth to it.
My mama used to say. “there’s no need to LIE on a person because the TRUTH about them is bad enough!” LOL
I’m just grateful that I didn’t fall in with that number om men who have babies all over town, so no you didn’t strike a nerve and no offense was taken.
The reason I stated that fantasy based expectations hinder good relationship for both BM and BW, is when people allow outside influences determine what makes someone a suitable mate, they’ll only end up disappointed and let down in the long run.
When selecting a mate people should look at the “WHOLE PERSON” and not the attachments that go with the person.
Trust me I know, I’ve dated an educated fool, I’ve been with a well to do woman that was morally bankrupt and I’ve been with beautiful women that have exemplified the saying,” beauty is only skin deep but ugly is to the bone!”
If a person doesn’t bring to the table spirtual values, a sense of being culturally grounded, and a commitment to up hold those wedding vows that they’ll take in the future, anything else they bring to the table is meaningless.
All of you have made valid points and you’re right, you shouldn’t settle for disrespect, infidelity, financial irresponsiblity or any of those things that could have a negetive impact on you as a person.
You should settle for a man that’s willing to love and respect you, you should settle for a man that will honor his commitment towards you and you should settle for a man thats bonded with people (his family and friends, his church, his community, fraternity or organization) and not things.
Settle for the man that shows his devotion to his children (if he has them) or the children in his family, it’s a sign that he may be a good father for your children.
Settle for the man that treats all women with kindness and respect, in general but the women in his family imnparticular!
Sisters you’re right you shouldn’t settle a shallow man but a man of substance and if his makes damn good money, hey thats even better! LOL
Thank you ladies for you contributions!
Best wishes!
Comment by Shotgun007 on 22 July 2009:
M.Elliot,
Point well stated and thank you for your post. I guess if we look into the past of several famed millionaires,..their closets might be a little tainted just as their non-public images.
Shotgun007
Comment by Serbbral on 22 July 2009:
TanSexyHot31 and dolly48, all I can say is alright!
Comment by dolly48 on 22 July 2009:
to:
Nandi, tansexy31 and no player:
Thanks for agreeing with me and for your comments.
I have enjoyed this discussion with everyone.
Comment by party1 on 22 July 2009:
Nandi? Normally your posts are very insightful but on this occasion I am baffled by a line above.Nourish by definition is to strengthen and promote. You really do not want to strengthen or promote your man??
Mr Elliot,,,Certain intangeables are not visible so you have to give the Obamas and Jay Zee s of the world a chance to know them and not judge solely on appearance or perception.Maybe these guys are caring,loving,dependable,,spiritual and many more valuable qualities.
The Kennedys and many other people in the world have skeletons.For you to eliminate and promote shunning when you only know what you hear and read is living with blinders on..There are many men and women that you disregard as socially irrelevant that afroromance women /men would deem as a great catch. I do respect your right to opinion even though I almost always disagree.
A couple together working in harmony for the same goal and a shared vision may produce more riches in life than shopping for the PERFECT mate.This famous line “Dont settle for less” is such an overestimate of what people think they deserve.Of all the people in the world ,,there is more than just 1 that could make a great spouse.We all have preferences and tend to go with what we know,but I am here to tell you “Dont be stuck up” and think you deserve THE BEST and anything else is a substitute.Because you surely will get dissapointed,perfection is not attainable.
Comment by prncess4ever on 22 July 2009:
I’m sorry but I am so incredibly tired of being stereotyped. First of all what makes you think that Barrack Obama is MY type. No disrespect to the president, and he is VERY attractive, but if he were just another face in the crowd, I probably would not date him. I tend to lean more toward the blue collar type; construction worker, engineer, someone in a uniform–cop, fireman, military, etc. I just hate it when people lock me in to some group. I’m ME! I’m unique, I’m Black, I’m different. But never will I conform to what others idea of what they “think” a black woman should be. Why analzye what qualities I should look for and settle for in a mate just because you think I fit some mold of what a black woman SHOULD want. I am really frustrated anyway because all of these blogs are depressing and stereotypical. Yes I read the warning at the beginning of this blog and I AM offended. If I came to this site to meet and attract a partner of another race, then why are most of the posts negative about the inter racial lifestyle? It took me a while to garner up the courage to post a profile, but I’m beginning to think I’ve made a mistake. Nobody ever contacts me anyway, so once my membership is up I’m not renewing. I know I can’t be that much of a troll where NOBODY finds me attractive. Nonetheless, I wish the rest of you good fortune and blessings and hope you all find someone wonderful and live happily ever after.
Comment by prncess4ever on 22 July 2009:
To: Miri2008, TanSexyHot21, Nandi, dolly48, rarestgold, Vanillalvr–THANK YOU ladies! Well put! I got so heated that I did not read all of the comments before I posted, and I still haven’t really. So for ALL of you who took issue with this VERY biased article–thank you.
I would like to say to NOPLAYER regarding your statement about the men at your workplace who accused black women of not knowing what we want and when we did we wanted too much. OMG! Wait, let me stop moving my neck (just kidding–another stereotype). Wanting too much!! Oh, heck yes I want EVERYTHING. Not only do I WANT it, I DESERVE it, and I will settle for no less. That said, I’m going to give everything to the man who eventually becomes my next mate. I will give my heart, body and soul to him and love him to the very depths of my soul. Now if I can do that, why can’t he? You go back and tell those brothers they need to rethink that point of view. It is people like that who never really find true happiness with their partners because they are always thinking someone’s out to take them. Only when you are willing to open up and give your all will you ever be in a position to receive it anyway. I do know this–I’ve had it before and I’m never going to expect less. I LOVE myself!!!
Comment by NO PLAYER on 23 July 2009:
Here we go again!
Never have I sugested a BW take care of some lazy ass BM or any man for that matter.
Somebody please help me on this one. Most of the women on this topic stated that money or material things were not the main focus in a relationship, as long as a man treated them right and acted like he had some sense.
I’m now hearing comments like, “bringing as much to the table as me”, “he should already have it together” and “I aint waiting for him to grow up”, so is it unreasonable for me to think that money and material things are the main focus when deciding if a man is worthy of your selection as a mate.
I can’t help but get the impression that some ladies on this blog equates a man’s maturity by how closely he matches you in income and if he doesn’t, he aint grown up yet or he aint got his shit together.
If that’s the case, then this type or thinking is twisted and it will not get you far in your search for true and everlasting love.
I know deep in my soul that this is not the thinking of all BW and I’d hope no one thought I was implying that it is.
Peace
Comment by NO PLAYER on 23 July 2009:
@ takinitall
You stated: “I still love to hear your responses, but they are a little hurtful on this blog, especially since your wife is German. What does your wife’s ethnicity have to do with anything you ask? The comments you are making can be taken as negative towards BW, thus implying your wife was easier to get along with and thats why we are single. Maybe some BW really hurt you, but be thankful God has sent you someone for you. Understand that we BW desperately want what you have, someone to love and cherish”
First let me say thank you for your reply, and ask you would my comments be taken as negative if I was married to a BW or if I was gay?
My choice to marry who I married was just that, my choice and it was not because of a fault or short-coming I found in BW. All women are easy to get along with as long as you cut the grass when they ask you to. LOL
The only BW that have hurt me were the ones who beat my ass as a child for acting up(bless their hearts).
I can say I’m the man I am today because of the love and support I received as a boy growing up from BW just like you, so please don’t think I was being disrespectful or negative towards BW because this not were my heart is.
I love BW and I want to see them in loving and stable relationships that lead to marriage. I was only pointing out that there are policemen, plumbers, soldiers and constuction workers out there that are capable of being loving and devoted husbands, they don’tmake as much as doctors or lawyers but their capacity to love and respect you is no different.
“Your future husband is out there and he’s looking for YOU!”
Best wishes in your search for LOVE!
James aka No Player
Comment by Nandi on 23 July 2009:
party1
Strengthen and promote my man, huh? Well actually there is alot of men who objects to be “handled” and feel they are strong enough to walk their own walk in life (ups and downs). Most men actually want your believe and confidence in them, more so than jump in and guide them through… and I support that and would be supportive in those terms….
I prefer a man that is established in his career, confident in his goals, a good moral compass, one who doesn’t makes excuses for his shortcomings, but realizes he has them, strength is knowing your limitations in life and we all have them…
prncess4ever
Shame on you! Don’t give up! I think you are attractive…You should list your profile of multiple site. I wish these blogs were more germaine to the objective of this site and not alot of race-baiting and stereotyping BS. But, I tell you when I first posted on this site, most was basically looking for a sexual relationship as oppose to a relationship…To the point that I turned my email off and it is still off…But, I did find one persistence person and I decided to give it another shot, we have been dating for nearly a year…I have a girlfriend on this site, so I check in and post from time to time…You are not a troll, but there are some on here that definitely are trolls.
Initially, when I first signed up, I was overwhelmed an disappointed…But you will weed through the losers to find the winners and honest ones
I could write a parody on some of emails, I received…But they were atleast entertaining.
Comment by NO PLAYER on 24 July 2009:
@ prncess4ever
Unfurtunately in our male-dominated society, historically all women were taught that they have more value as a woman if a man confirms them as a woman.
As a result women learned that in order to feel sucessful they had to attach themselves to a sucessful man.
In blk culture we’ve been taught that appearence is everything and sometimes this teaching can cause us to think more of those who look good than those that would be good to us.
So “looking good” and “walking in style or “high stepping” came to be a respected characteristic in our community.
Traditionally this stlye was a associated with religious and spiritual people who refused to allow life to beat them down, so they walked with their heads held high, almost to the point of looking arrogant.
Somehow we got it twisted and began to associate this spiritual reality into a material one and “looking good” became related to name brand labels and material value.
As men we began to value women based on their physical looks and women rated men based on our incomes. Sad to say it, in the blk community, money and self-worth or so directly connected and we start to esteem ourselves and other based on how much of it someone has.
Historically BM and BW have had much of nothing and only eachother, so how have we reduced ourselves to being so supperficial when it comes to how we deem someone worth as a mate.
We got to this point by imitating the behaviors of other people, internalizing their values and adopting them as our own.
prncess4ever you have the right spirit: “But never will I conform to what others idea of what they “think” a black woman should be.”
I admire you attitude!
Peace
Comment by party1 on 24 July 2009:
NoPlayer I come to your defense with a certain ignorance of an average white guy to black history and black culture,understand this please.My black interaction includes wealthy with mansions,middle class in the suburbs and ghetto/low income.Each family step stoning up a class or remaining the same for a generation.Those that strived,achieved and accomplished millionaire status were not born into money.I personally never met a 3rd generation wealthy black woman.
So that said I believe the age of the above posters and many b/w that are percieved as selfish golddiggers are just tryin to keep up with the Jones and pass the Jones up.
As the black community evolves and doors and opportunities have opened it is more noticeable the climb to success.There are so many different type priorities as to what is wanted and needed as far as clothes,cars and houses.
I personally will not eliminate a woman from consideration because she didnt have a car or house or degree.A woman that is there for me when I most need is much more valuable to me.A woman that values love ,life,people,nature and knows God is my choice.If she has attained success ,,thats great but its not my deal breaker.So as I say age is a factor I also believe that many b/w are on a mission to keep that upward climb and will forfeit the qualities of a GOOD man.Perhaps if he is not an equal in some area she deems important he would be eliminated from consideration.
Its hard for me to imagine some of the above b/w posters to say that they would marry a burger flipper if he was good to her.My thought about less of a life style is that whatever you the b/w have acheived and have attained will be the same even with the burger flipper you just wont move up the ladder faster with him.Whatever you have now you will still have.
All races have thier achievers but the race/rush in the black community will peak at some point and level off.I dont know if there are more than normal goldiggers in the black community but I am thinking that any woman that eliminates a GOOD man that she is attracted to because of what he doesnt have is cheating herself.
Comment by fortyzoodle on 24 July 2009:
ALL, CAN WE HAVE SOME COMPROMISE HERE?
@No Player.
I believe that I hear what you are saying. I believe your intentions are simply to indicate that as BW we should expand our horizons, realize that we all are flawed, and understand that all of us, BM included, are in a constant state of growth - some being more evolved and further along the path than others.
@ the BW who have responded to the blog and disagreed with ‘No Player’
I believe your points are that you have created good lives for yourselves through your own efforts and are just looking for a male (black or otherwise) who has done the same. I believe that you inately understand that there is no perfect male (black or otherwise, including President Obama) and that people, in general all have issues with which we need to deal (if we are truly enlightened enough to recognize and acknowledge them). I believe you are simply saying that a potential mate should have strived for something for themselves of which they can be individually proud and which enriches them as a person first, and a potential mate second.
@All
Please forgive my presumption if I have misspoke for either side in my comments above. However, I feel as though both sides are closer to the middle of this subject than they realize. The ultimate ideal that I hope we all share is simply to find a way to heal and repair the gap between men and women (particularly BM and BW) in our relationships so that two parent families become the norm rather than the exception. I believe that America’s fascination with the President and First Lady has its basis there - the two have found a way to make what they share as a husband/wife, as a mother/father work in a way that is easly obvious to the average onlooker. After all, isn’t this what most of us seek, anyway?
Comment by takinitall on 24 July 2009:
Let me preface this post by saying I’m not saying ALL PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY!
It’s no secret that many of us BW are angry with BM. Just understand that it’s because of the ones we run into. Angry may be a strong word, but we are frustrated! Our frustration comes from us being forced to lead and the stress that comes with it, when our men are sitting back doing nothing. Even the most independent women want to submit to their mate.
I don’t think any BW would turn a guy away because he hasn’t been to college. But we are going to turn you away if you can’t support yourself. A man who “has it together” means different things to different people. For me if you live at home, have bad credit and a poor work ethic/ history I am not interested in dating you. Now to me that’s not being materialistic, that’s being responsible. I feel if he can’t take care of himself, how can he take care of a family. He doesn’t have to make more money than me, but he has to do something. I also do not date men who drive flashy cars, but live in an apartment. To me that means your priorities are not aligned with mine. Cars depreciate once you drive off the lot, but homes accrue equity and provide stability. I applaud the ladies who turn these guys away including myself. You never know it may motivate him to work on himself before seeking a relationship. Women need to do the same, men are not super man, they can’t do it alone. There are still good ones out there, we just have to find them!
Comment by TanSexyHot31 on 24 July 2009:
Prncss4ever wrote:
“If I came to this site to meet and attract a partner of another race, then why are most of the posts negative about the inter racial lifestyle? It took me a while to garner up the courage to post a profile, but I’m beginning to think I’ve made a mistake. Nobody ever contacts me anyway, so once my membership is up I’m not renewing. I know I can’t be that much of a troll where NOBODY finds me attractive. Nonetheless, I wish the rest of you good fortune and blessings and hope you all find someone wonderful and live happily ever after.”
Girlfriend I was feeling the same way and don’t allow your experiences here to cause you to doubt your beauty girl!!! Black women are often known for believing in our beauty even though not often the “industry standards” and it saddens me to hear you talk that way about yourself and I don’t even know you! Hell, it took me a while to post my pictures and a complete profile too! Exactly who the heck is running this site anyway???? Almost ALL of the blogs criticize or attack in some way blacks–mostly black women!! None of the blogs address the concerns in the OTHER races. I have dated white men for a while now and I have serious concerns that I would like to discuss with other black women that I have found while dating cross-culturally and there are never any articles about understanding their ethnicity better or a forum to discuss things. And sometimes the articles make it sound as if black women are the damn root of all evil or something. Black women are often the ones that struggle the most, and have carried our race single handedly on our backs for centuries with being left to raise our children solo and sometimes other people’s kids too. I was often the ONLY black at my school growing up that had a daddy living in the house!! Honestly, I remember during my slumber parties my daddy would often check into the Grand Marquis Marriott down the street because some of my black playmates were “uncomfortable” with a man walking around the house freely!!! Not kidding!! But black women are being vilified–how could WE of all people continuously be at fault?????
And Prncss4ever don’t be put off by the lack of contacts, I only get contacted by men that only want to have cybersex, “pal” around on the phone, men that are 40 but looks like they have been “rode hard and hung up wet” for an eternity (and these are the men that always want a Naomi Campbell, Tyra, or Liya Kebede look alike LOL!) or, men wanting to experiment, and some still living with their parents!!!!! What!?!?!? Goes to show that men of ALL races are capable of mediocrity when it comes to women. And to the site administrators, what is with some of the profiles that men have on here?? Some of the profiles I have read almost sound as if the guy is a bigot…..Does a live person read some of the insulting things that are said about sistas on some of the profiles that are on this board? You know, black women/white men date outside our races the least of all the groups so WE really need a friendly, relaxed forum to explore relationships. What man of any color would want to date us with these types of articles on here, and what sista wants to date a man that has profiles that are offensive???? And to all of you guys that perfer a certain type of look in a sista (darker skin/ethnic features, medium, light, skinny, full-figured, etc.) that is quite alright because I prefer tall slender, Germanic types myself, BUT JUST INDICATE THAT ON YOUR PROFILES SO WE ARE NOT BOTH WASTING ONE ANOTHER’S TIME….because I guarantee you if I know you have a preference for tall, dark chocolate sistas I will not waste your time with a rose flirt seeing as though I can read and comprehend! And can we PLEASE get a Forum tab on here to post questions and concerns for intelligent discussions like the one going on here???
Sorry for going off on a tangent… the more I read these posts the more comes to my mind–not to mention my VPs are being real jackasses today.
Comment by TanSexyHot31 on 24 July 2009:
Takinitall, Nandi, Dolly48–kudos for your recent posts!!! You three lovely ladies are definitely my new BFFs!
No Player, I give you some credit though–I admire how you are in this discussion trying to hold your own all by your lonesome. [Notice I said “trying”]
Comment by Elliot on 24 July 2009:
Princess Forever,
I am saddened that you have decided to withdraw your member from the site. I would like to take issue with one of your comments ha you posted.
“It took me a while to garner up the courage to post a profile, but I’m beginning to think I’ve made a mistake. Nobody ever contacts me anyway, so once my membership is up I’m not renewing. I know I can’t be that much of a troll where NOBODY finds me attractive.”
You are a very attractive with a great smile. Howver, I would like to point out that if your interested in someone you have to go after them. If nobody ever contacts you then make more of an effort to contact them. Strike up a coversation and see where it goes with someone, but just dont sit around waiting for someone to cntact you. You have to be proactive in seeking what you want. Remember many times people are on this site while they are at work. Thereofore they might not respond to anyone while working if they are busy.
Some people leave the website on and then respond to it days later. Their are plently of good guys on this site out there for you. However, you just have to be a little more aggressive about what you want. If you are looking for a certain type of man then then everytime you see that man online who fits your descriptin log on be aggressive about contacting him. The woman who gets to the market
early get the freshest and best fruit. The woman who sleeps in late gets the leftover fruit none of the other women want OR NO FRUIT AT ALL. Be aggresive and go get your man lol..
Most importantly and I cannot stress this enough many men lose interest in online dating because women are not willing to escalate the online chat to an actual meeting within a reasonable time period.
I recently read a story about a woman who lived next to a guy in the same apartment complex on the same floor as the guy she ws chatting with. When they met online the woman actually insisted they chat online for a few months before they could atually meet in person in the hallway of their complex lol…. (To men, women like that present a red flag that she has issues and we will move on). Transalation= If you meet a guy online start figuring out a meeting plan that is reasonable or the guy will lose interest and began focusing on oher women who are rational and actually making an effort to meet. Men dont like the crazy train to nowhere will get off at the first stop for a more sane woman.
I hope this convinces you to stay and givr it another shot.
Comment by Elliot on 24 July 2009:
Party1 I was asked why Jay-Z was not a role model to me. I am not sure where the Obammas come into my response about Jay-Z. I simply stated facutal information that I would not support a man who was responsible for exploiting the people o his NY community though the sell of drugs as a role model as I also stated that I would also not supoort a man who makes his money off producing music glorifying the destruction he did within the African Americans community through his drug and gang affiliations. I do respect yourrot Jay-Z as I am aware that their are many people who still support men like Pablo Escobar, John Gotti, Frank White, or other men who made their money through drugs and gang violence. This is their right to do so, however; I was asked my opinion about Jay-Z and explained why I felt it would be morally wrong to accept donations from a man who makes his money of destroying the very community he is donating too. If you are open to accepting donations from thee types that is your choice.
Comment by Elliot on 24 July 2009:
Noplayer,
I am a bit confused at exactly what the ongoing disagreement is about. Can you giveme some insight as to where you 2 differ in your viewpoints regarding the difference of opinion.
Comment by Shotgun007 on 25 July 2009:
Elliot,
You provided great advice to “Princess Forever”…so my question to you is.. why give up?
Just give the membership a little more time and be more aggressive with finding exactly what Elliot is looking for. But I do feel your concerns, so far in my 2 week journey, I’ve found a lot of “Imposters.” They say one thing on the profile and mean another.
Don’t give up.
Shotgun007
Comment by cocoacutie on 25 July 2009:
I think we’re missing one significant aspect here that affects women’s proclivity to date men who have the same or more than them and men’s proclivity to date women regardless of financial status - DNA. No matter how modern and evolved we have become as human beings, we still maintain gentic DNA markers from hundreds of yers ago. Wwomen have a genetic marker to date someone who is doing well financially because men used to be the ones who left the cave and brought back the food. Men have a genetic marker to date someone who is attractive because they needed women who had the figures that could bare children and cook all day long. Evolution hasn’t caught up to the intellectual changes in society. Evolution hasn’t caught up to changing those male and female genetic markers the same way evolution hasn’t caught up to removing excessive hair from the noses of people who used to live in sandy, desert areas or adjusting the skin color of humans who have lived outside of their ancestors original climate for over 400 years, etc.
Comment by adrianasmile on 26 July 2009:
Hi,I have to say this was a truly heated conversation. I have to say if this is a interracial dating service, so be it, if people want to use this for same race dating, go for it. The bottom line is at the end of the day, the people whom are here to truly meet that special someone,really doesn’t have time for arguing with other room members. I have been contacted by both black men and white men, who have been really nice to me. I have been talked to with respect and I found that to be just what I expected. I think BM telling BW, what they want, needs to stop!Why not ask her what she wants? Let her answer. The problem with our community is there is racism, which still exists in the black community against each other.If someone is light skin, or dark skin shouldn’t matter. Many different races have come together to meet. Let’s stop fighting with each other, and get back to what we came here for….meeting someone to fall in love with. I have dated different races, but I have to say, some of the dark skin men, have walked past me because he wanted a red bone, or a white women. I don’t care about this, but if you see me with a man from another race, don’t get mad, because you weren’t interested anyway. This is like a dog with a bone, he doesn’t want the bone, until another dog comes around.MMMMM I have had BM ask me several times if I couldn’t handle a real man, because I was out on a date with a white man. This is silly we should date people whom make us happy. I am not bothered if a BM is dating a WW. I see this all of the time, but times are changing, BW are doing it too. Let’s be happy for one another, in hoping we find the mate, whom is great for us. Take care everyone.
Comment by TanSexyHot31 on 26 July 2009:
I think takinitall’s last post perfectly summarizes and brings most of our arguements full circle and I could not have said it better!
Comment by Aphrodite on 26 July 2009:
This post is typical as are many of the responses. IMO President B.O. and Michelle were not a good examples for this post. However, I wanted to say that I am very impressed at the women who are unashamed in admitting that they have standards and refuse to lower them.
Women should always marry up or at least mate at their own level. No explanations or justifications are needed. I would never marry someone who earns less than I do, had less education, and who came from a lower class tier than myself.
I think it is poisonous and dangerous to encourage women to marry men with whom they do not share any common life experiences or values. A loving blue collar man should seek a loving blue collar woman.
There are ample quality men in the global village who understand this- so ladies don’t ever shortchange yourselves.
There is a more balanced, nuanced, and serious discussion on this very topic being held at the link below that many of the BW posters may enjoy and benefit from reading:
http://interracialloveandspicebysara.blogspot.com/
Comment by takinitall on 27 July 2009:
@ M. Elliot
I LOVE your new main pic, it’s super cute. I never realized how fine you were, until you changed pics.
@ Shotgun007 & No Player
Yes, No Player is married and he posted that on his profile. I have mad respect for No Player as I haven’t seen any of his comments or profile state or imply that he wanted another woman. Not everyone here is looking for a relationship. I personally hid my profile to take a break from dating, but I LOVE the blogs. Please respect him and everyone else here and not cast stones. You are a very pretty lady, but negativity is not attractive. Plus No Player is my partner in crime and allways has something to say. We can learn alot from him, if we really listen. Yes his comments hurt, but take them into consideration the next time you meet a man.
@ Everyone else
Let’s try to stay positive and open in our dialougue. I understand the struggles many of my fellow BW face in finding a mate, but don’t be discouraged. Let’s face it, being single really sucks and is very lonely. No you don’t need a man to validate you, but you do need a man to complete you (work with, support and love you).
@ all my fellow single women
I personally joined a singles group and really enjoy it. The group has numerous activities and events. Check around your city there may be some kind of singles group there as well. I also volunteer at alot of community events and meet lots of nice men. Another great avenue to meet people is take classes on something that interests you. I am learning to ride a motorcycle this summer, so you know the men are there. Bottom line is get out there and do something positive and productive; and your mate will come. Too many of us are stuck in nightclubs and church (which has become the new nightclub), when our partner may be under our noses. My last suggestion is fix yourself up. I know my confindence goes from 0 to 60 once I break out my sun dress, hills, shades and switch when I walk. Believe me men, like the girlie girls so take pride in being sexy and keep your feet done (Not only for cosmetic and hygeine, but you’ll be amazed at the number of men with foot fetishes). Plus it’s summer break out the hot pink nail polish, gold sandals and strut like you’re the shhhhhhhhhh!
I’m sure I’ve pissed somebody off again, but I still love blogging with you guys!
Comment by NO PLAYER on 27 July 2009:
@ Shotgun007
I enjoy participating on this blog, I’m not window shopping and I’m not keeping my options open!
@ TanSexyHot31
Lord knows I’m “TRYING ! LOL
I understand that people will not always agree with eachother but it’s all about trying to understand eachother’s point of view and I’ve done just that.
@ takinitall
I’ve always agreed with you that women shouldn’t settle for a man that’s not productive and has no motivation to progress in life, on that much we agree!
I think if more women had held men to at least the basic standard (stable employment, having his own place and paying his own bills)some of these men would not have went as far as they’ve gone in trying to live off of women.
You’ll always have these sorry asses out here looking for a “second mama” and sad to say it, you’ll always have women out there willing to be a “sugar mama” to these clowns.
takinitall, by all means uphold your standards, I aint mad at cha! Just like you and many of the BW on this blog, I aint got time for games, I got dreams to turn into reality and places to go.
I’ll see you on top of the mountain!!!!!
Comment by miri2008 on 27 July 2009:
It seems to me (note, before you write and beat me up, I said “it SEEMS to ME) that a woman being materially comfortable sparks one of two responses in a man who has less materially: i) His (natural) male instincts of being the hunter/provider is violated, he is uncomfortable, and either tries very, very hard to catch up with the woman materially, or he gives up and tries to pull the woman down because he feels unable to catch up to her; OR ii) His (natural) male instincts of being the hunter/provider is not functioning, and he settles down happily to enjoy the ride
This is my reason for trying to stay within a commonly shared socio-economic status (note: this is my head talking - I have had my heart kick in and ‘poof’… lol)
I stuck with my individual experience and perspective to make a point. Black women are not a vat, basket, pot, container, crate, barrel, of some undifferentiated ’stuff’. We are individual people with divergent perspectives, experiences, and yes, even histories (a topic for another blog). There is an alarming tendency to simplify things to give ourselves the illusion of ‘control’ that the feeling of having ‘comprehended’ or ’solved’ something can bring.
The truth is that we are on an evolving journey which is moving faster than stats can be collected, and is more meandering than can be casually observed.
So maybe we just accept that we are all in this amazing experience called life, with a myriad of possibilities still to be explored. Maybe an encouraging blog about sisters who found someone to share life with is in order. Enough with the dire proclamations of blight upon black women. I personally reject all of that negativity with a vengeance.
Miri
P.S. Yes, some of you recognize this as a post from a prior blog… hmmm… I wonder why this exact response fits here just as well as it did in the prior blog…
Comment by yoyo99 on 28 July 2009:
Cocoa: You hit the nail on the head when you said you want a partner with ’substance’….often we’re confusing substance with ‘wealth’ or ‘financial security’ or even ‘independence’
Here’s a wee scenario to consider:
An attractive (you know it’s not me now lol) middle aged man, a local community leader, respected…with post graduate qualifications and a stable professional job earning $75,000+ ends up divorced due to a marriage breakdown with faults on both sides…
…he foregoes his share of equity in the family house so his kid can stay in the same neighbourhood with friends and go to a good school…he pays over and above what the courts set for child maintenence cause it’s his child…but as a result has to share a house with 3 others, and struggles to pay the bills each month…at least until he get’s some debts cleared.
…does he have ’substance’?…is it ok for him to expect a future partner to help ‘keep’ him for a while?…would you give him a chance..?
PS: As for the previous comment about diamonds coming from coal - coal may not be that valuable or nice to look at at, but it does provide plenty of warmth and energy and here’s a lot of woman out there deserving of that!!
Comment by takinitall on 29 July 2009:
Great scenario yoyo99! I have actually experienced something similar. Unfortunately, it was too much for me to bear. I met a great guy who sacraficed the equity, paid half of the mortgage on the ex’s house (was married 10 years and paid the whole thing and as part of the divorce has to pay half for 15 years), great father (in addition to his $1800 month child support paid full tuition and bought the oldest a new car), credit was shot due to ex maxing out credit cards, had to rent a room and had a great job. I personally could not see myself with him, because it was too much interference from the ex. Many men confuse being a great father with being a fool for a woman. This particular guy did not go to court for his divorce instead went to a mediator and agreed to everything the wife asked for. After hearing about his arrangement, I did the math she will only have to pay her mortgage for 5 years on her own. Oh the best part is she also got citizenship as a result of their marriage and admitted she used him for it. I feel as parents, you have to work together for the better of the kids. His ex did not pay anything except utilities as she moved her new boyfriend in to pick up the other half of the mortgage. After he paid all of the ex and children expenses he barely had any money left to do anything. As a single mother, yes it would be great to have someone bear the finances for my kids. As their mother I would not want their father to struggle when I can help with the kids. As a woman dating I am looking for my husband! I don’t mind my husband helping and taking care of his kids, but there is a way to do anything. I am not willing to inherit anyones STD (Sexually Transmitted Debt).
My second experience was even crazier. I dated this guy who had 3 kids when we met. Every weekend he had all three of the kids and appeared to be a great father. Well being the woman I am, I started my background investigation to see who I was dealing with. I quickly discovered he owed $125000 in child support, all three of the mothers were on welfare and the youngest child was possibly not his. Of course I asked him if he knew about the child support and he said yes their mothers have other kids and needed the welfare for them. When I told him about the youngest; this genius told me she told him she was pregnant a week before she had the baby and the baby was pre mature, but they sent the baby home with her. Not foolish enough yet. I liked this guy so much I offered to pay for a paternity test for him and she didn’t have to know. I encouraged him to do this soon or else he will be stuck with a bill he may not have to pay. His response was she wouldn’t lie to me she isn’t like that.
Ok now I’m telling all my business, but I can critique myself as well. Everyone I date must pass a background check before moving on to the next level. Call it crazy, but I have kids and they must be protected. Too many people lie about their pasts and I can’t afford to be caught up in nothing. Second I personally am not willing to take care of another womans household. Yes, I want a responsible partner, but I also want a smart one. I feel men need to take care of whatever they have going on with their ex’s before moving on. If you are not in a situation to have a family, let women know up front to avoid issues. Everyone’s situation is different, but I will “keep” no man including my husband. I come from a male dominated family and was taught very early that if a man loves you there is no limit to what he will do to keep you. I also believe that men and women should have some skill or trade they can hustle to make extra money. For me I sell houses part time in addition to owning my consulting firm. I have been very blessed and thank God everyday for my blessings. Why is it that women are able to make a way and swallow our pride to get what we need, when men make excuses! I see so many mothers in the food bank lines, applying for any job they can get, selling themselves and anything else they can to make ends meet for their kids.
I am not a millenium dater. Maybe a more liberated independent woman can handle “keeping” a man, but not me. Subtance to me is being responsible, positive values and morals, belief in God, strong work ethic and understand that his wife is his first priority after God. Not saying the babies should suffer, but he had to draw the line somewhere. I don’t know where your guy lives, but $75000 is more than enough to do what he needs to do. I’m sure he’s not paying $5000 in child support and since he sacraficed the equity he’s not paying anything on the mortgage. Therefore he should have some money left over to do what he needs to do. He should see a financial planner not a girlfriend!
Comment by NO PLAYER on 29 July 2009:
@ miri2008 — You make a valid point and that alot of men(not all) have problems with women that are materially comfortable and most of thoses problems have alot to do with HIS feelings of inadequacy.
These insecurities that men have are the result of measuring our worth by the size of our wallets.
Here’s one for you; what does society call a married women that earns less than her husband? A wife!
What does society call a man that earns less than his wife? They call him a bum or a loser!
We’ve also allow society to define who we are by what we do for a living. Have you noticed when men meet eachother after exchanging names, one will ask the other, ” so, JIM what do you do for a living?”
It’s like the verbal, who’s penis is bigger contest.
It’s so sad that we carry this madness into our relationships and we end up having the same contest with our women.
I’m sure it’s a turn off when a woman gives a man a chance, only for him to start with that old “she makes more than me drama”, when he knew she made more from the start of the relationship. LOL
I once told a friend that had these same issues, “your wife is your companion, not your competitor and stop trying to keep up with her, hold her hand and walk with her!”
“CONFESSION”
Being stuck on stupid damn near got all of my shit thrown out in the front yard (LOL) and those words of advice kept me at home and out of a singles apartment.
Comment by morninflower on 29 July 2009:
I wouldn’t - he just isn’t my type that’s all… - even at his so called “latter - sexy stage in life” - I am sorry.. he doesn’t do anything for me. I sort of see the appeal.. the charisma and I was proud to see him sworn in as President BUT…he does nothing for me…
With that said, I am a little disturbed by this article which potrays Michelle in a less than flattering light - what do you mean “she saw past his goofiness, brokeness and big ears”? I don’t think that has anything to do with it. I mean.. cammon?! like seriously? Sure we all have standards and preferences as far as what we find attractive - but I don’t think that when Michelle met Barack… she did not think “he has big ears but I can overlook that”? cammon now?!
Comment by miri2008 on 29 July 2009:
@Takinitall - thanks for sharing your experiences with us and teaching us something - much appreciated (and respected).
At this point I have had only one on-line dating experience turn into a real life dating experience, and I sure learned the value of a background check then. I can assure you that now, there is zero chance of me allowing someone that I meet on-line any substantive access to me or my life prior to a background check.
Just want to pass on to all a very good site that I found on helping people to make a safe and sensible transition from on-line contact to real life dating:
http://www.onlinedatingsafetytips.com/GettingStarted.cfm
Comment by Drcourage on 29 July 2009:
Yoyo99 made a good point in clarifying the difference between substance and wealth.
Morninflower, I agree, the “he has big ears” portion was a bit of a stretch.
All in all, I think any of you women could simply substitute Obama for whatever man is your type and ask the same question posed by the author of the article.
Comment by ngbabe on 30 July 2009:
Sure, bring it on the usual suspects—I mean, anyone, and their cousins can feel free to insult black women-
This is by far the most derogatory and racially biased article I havr come across on this site—-who set the standared that black women must be measured based on how they compare to white american females—obviously some are ignorant of the cultural differenced between black american and the white females
Ok, Mitchell is supportive of her man and so are millions of other not- so famous black females–(supporting and sticking by their men even through imprisonment)-Instead of seeing mitchelll as representative of millions of black females who for generations have demonstrated unwavering support for the black brothers; she is instead seen as an exception—possessing characteristics unlike most black femalesg but similar to those of the always innocent, pure, angelic, never do wrong white american females—-
OMG–I am so emotionally outraged that I can hardly articulate my thoughts!!! May God have mercy on people who use articles such as this to promot their racial biases.
Comment by NO PLAYER on 30 July 2009:
@ takinitall
Sexually Transmitted Debt (LOL), now that’s a first!
I was always taught as a young man that you have to be able to look after you and yours. It seems these men made the big mistake of not having some “JUST IN CASE MONEY” put up somewhere.
Often times a divorce can clean a man out financially, so he should have some money put up somewhere so he wont end up back at home with his parents. He could use this money to get back on his feet because without it he’ll be in a world of hurt.
I think every man should have a RECOVERY PLAN, I know marriage should be forever but that’s not guaranteed. The courts will look after the women and the children(if they’re any) but the man must look after himself?
Credit and background checks sound like a good first line of defense because now days things and people aren’t always what they seem. It’s sad that it’s come to this but you have to look out for yourself.
takinitall, in the words of the late Barry White (in his soulful and deep voice), “You got it it together baby!”
Peace!
Comment by homesteader on 30 July 2009:
A long long time ago ; I was just an Old Piece of Coal -
Became a ” Diamond ” due to AfroRomance / Believe
with time all things can Happen .
Comment by TanSexyHot31 on 30 July 2009:
No Player I am so in agreement with your last post from 29 July!!!! Right On Man!
Comment by surprised on 30 July 2009:
The majority of society will always judge a man by how wealthy he is and judge a woman by her beauty. I don’t know many women who want a broke husband or many men who want an ugly wife. Sometimes our choices may not be based on our own feelings,but our insecurites. We can care to much about how people percieve us. We might pass up a good man because if we take him to meet friends and family and he can’t answer that important question” what do you do for a living? ” with an impressive career we might be afraid that we look desperate and are settling. I don’t think that applies to most of us here, because we go against societal norms by dating whom ever we like despite their culture. I am hoping that the majority of us do not have an agenda; I like men, all men, not just black or white ones. Personally, I am a character person. My man doesn’t have to be rich, but he has to have integrity. We can gain wealth together and buy things, but I can’t buy character for you. I guess I can look past money because I am a victim of many stereotypes and misconceptions based on my physical appearance. My outside does not match my inside. People assume I am all about vanity or gold digging just because most people think I am attractive. They never bother to find out what I have to offer or what kind of person I am. I guess that is why I can see past a man’s low income. I am more concerned with what kind of steward he is with what God already given him. I would have been all over Obama! I love a smart man!
Comment by takinitall on 30 July 2009:
You know it’s sad how marriage has changed. I hate to say both men and women have to protect their assets. I don’t have much, but I’m sure not going to loose it to anyone. One of my friends is getting married to a financially secure man who everyone loves. He asked her to sign a pre nuptual agreement and she got upset and refused. She feels he’s allready expecting the marriage to end and doesn’t trust her. I tried to explain to her that he’s just trying to protect himself. If the shoe was on the other foot what would you do? I pointed out that she has 5 kids (none of which are his, but he takes great care of them), only makes $3500 a month, leases her car and lives in an apartment. Of course I pissed her off after all that. But I explained to her, be thankful that God has sent you him. As women we want it all, but if you did not work with him to acquire those things don’t try to take them. Remember, pre nups are only for things acquired before the marriage. If you really want your marriage to work, you must work with your partner to acquire things together. I love No Players advice “your wife is your companion, not your competitor and stop trying to keep up with her, hold her hand and walk with her!” that goes both ways.
Comment by laugh_sailor on 31 July 2009:
noplayer - Thanks for steadfastly holding the obvious truth up for all to observe, in such consideration.
Women - Come on, get real: The vast majority of women look to men’s careers and incomes as qualifications for dating. Pretending this isn’t so is as silly as pretending men don’t notice women’s breasts. Common keywords women use in profiles for types of men sought are “successful” and “professional.” I could fill this blog with justifications women have used with me about this particular attitude. It’s a rare and highly sought-after woman who looks past this. As noplayer has shown so well, it mainly hurts the women with this attitude: By focusing on $, they have not only lost out on many wonderful men but have also lost focus of the fundamental things that matter in life and the qualities that make for a truly happy lifetime together.
Would making a life with a man who doesn’t earn as much lessen a woman’s standard of living? Of course. Does a high standard of living really buy happiness (Advertising professionals aside, please.)? I’d take a car-camping trip with a woman I share a deep love and common passions with over an exotic trip to a place I’ve longed to visit, with a selfish woman, any day. This is what it really boils down to: Selfishness. That’s precisely the opposite attitude necessary for happy longterm romance.
Most men accept this naturally when they look for their mate because they understand while money makes life easier, it does not make or even fundamentally improve happiness. Most women, in their relatively new chance of financial independence, have yet to learn this. Some of the many dangers of this attitude are:
* When the couple is experiencing the inevitable hard times, the expectation of money making happiness will set them up for fundamental problems and unhappiness.
* The implied insult to the person in the couple earning less (probably taking care of the family) is an awful burden in the relationship, creating an inherently unequal and damaging dynamic. Women are familiar with this attitude from men insulting their integral role in the family on the basis of not earning an equal amount.
* Focusing on who earns more in the relationship destroys most positive synergies and rewards greedy selfishness.
We’re synergistic as a couple and are not best as two individuals with the same attributes. Fundamentally and quite obviously we’re different. The support and love we have for each other is so very empowering: This is what noplayer is speaking about. It’s a beautiful dynamic.
Comment by laugh_sailor on 31 July 2009:
Oh, one last thing: This approach requires two self-aware, highly and openly communicative and very generous, honest, selfless and loving people. It’s not for everyone.
Comment by surprised on 31 July 2009:
@ laugh-sailor
Well Said
Comment by Nandi on 1 August 2009:
surprised
I agree, you must be reading my mind!!
Comment by Nandi on 1 August 2009:
laugh_sailor
I think it is just to much thought put into “what makes a relationship works”…I never brought into that relationship/marriage is hard work…Shouldn’t be if both are committed to each other..Should be relatively easy.
However, let’s be real…everyone have a basic criteria on who they are attracted to…Personally, I am most attractive to intelligence, integrity, character and a moral compass…But, on the physical..I do require physically fit, well-groomed (doesn’t have to be suit and tie though).
Most people who have these qualities are not irresponsible in their personal lifes or financial lifes on the average.
Comment by cocoacutie on 1 August 2009:
Yoyo, perhaps that man does have substance; perhaps he doesn’t. This community leader should not expect a future partner to “keep” him. He needs to get counseling, because a counselor would tell him to clear up all his baggage and debts from a previous relationship before bringing them into a new relationship. I, personally, would look at the entire situation analytically and see how forthright he is. Does this guy want to date a woman interested in just fun or a woman dating with intent for commitment? A guy in this situation probably does not even want another long-term relationship resulting in 2 or 3 more kids. He is probably just looking for casual sex and light-hearted fun, so he should let the woman know this up front.
Secondly, what do they have in common? People should forecast the future and date according to what they have in common with the person they like. I know plenty of women who have dated below them financially who became miserable when things got serious. When it was time for the woman to take time off from work for pregnancy leave or child rearing, they struggled immensely because of finances. That destroyed the relationship. I also know women who have dated up who are miserable, because the men are either busy all the time, condescending, or very self-absorbed. I’ve noticed that couples with a lot in common usually work out better. Women tend to want commitment and security. Men tend to want looks and fun. I know numerous women who would not mind dating a man who has less financially, but those men don’t want them because they are overweight or not that pretty.
Secondly, what judge ordered that situation? Any therapist would tell those parents that they both need to provide a quiet, private situation for those kids when they are visiting the parents separately, because children interpret privacy as security. Visitation is extremely important. Are the roommates having sex with their girlfriends at night when the kids are spending the night? If they don’t visit the father, is he going to stay with the ex-wife when he visits them?
Comment by TanSexyHot31 on 1 August 2009:
Laugh_sailor, hello by the way. Just curious, have you read most of the women’s posts on here?
Comment by laugh_sailor on 2 August 2009:
Surprised - Thanks! You wrote a perceptive piece that shows your caring thoughtfulness and I enjoyed it!
Nandi - Terrific point! That’s been my thought also, that two people striving for the greater whole of their life together ought to just flow easily. I’m glad to see others think so too! Chivalry’s a great base for relationships, isn’t it?
Cocoacutie - Beautiful, clear thoughts! Right on about it all.
TanSexyHot - Yes, several times, carefully. While it’s a bit confusing due to multiple posts, here’s my count: 11 money-neutral women posting in this blog and 6 money-focused women posting in this blog. I gave positive votes to those not obviously negative. That’s a lot more mature than I’ve personally experienced and it’s a very good sign. I would think this is a bit biased, though - How many would speak up and proudly proclaim “I’m a gold-digger!”
Comment by yoyo99 on 3 August 2009:
Cocoa:
‘HE is probably looking for casual sex and light hearted fun…’
maybe that’s because when he meets a woman SHE’LL probably be looking for someone to use as an accessory ????
Comment by surprised on 3 August 2009:
@laugh-sailor
Thanks!
I agree that a woman will not admit when she is a gold-digger, but I am sure that eventually the man she is dating will figure it out. More often then not, these women wind up treated like a spittons and thrown away.
Comment by surprised on 4 August 2009:
@ laugh-sailor
Thanks!!
Comment by surprised on 4 August 2009:
sorry! i thought my comment from yesterday did not update. I am not stalking you laugh-sailor. Promise! lol
Comment by sahara on 4 August 2009:
People tick for different reasons… looks, money, intellect, popularity etc.
No one should be chastised for picking a companion based on what another perceives as frivolous.
No one single factor guarantees a long term relationship without infidelity (with its many mutations) other than pure compatibility on that one thing that makes the other tick, again this could be anything; wealth, looks, intelligence, perspective ness, etc.
Would I CONSIDER dating Obama? Absolutely because he has certain qualities about him, that I would want in anyone right now… even keel, calm personality, intellectual, persistent, reflective, gutsy.
Would I have CONSIDERED dating him when he was a student at the law firm? I do not know. At that age different things made me tick: Intellect, even keel personality, money. (in that order).
BTW, even hough I am open to dating any race, I am more likely to date interracially.
The black woman’s obsession with good black man needs to stop. I grew up “not in America” and although I realize the history (past and current) behind this obsession, I think it is too much. I think the black-woman calls it and the rest follow. Remember, no one ever kicks a dead dog…or do they. Move on already. This is absolutely not the kind of blog (well parts of it) I expect on an interracial dating web site. Do you know how many men are being turned off? To expose your dirty laundry in public is but enough, to wash it is outrageous, c’mon. Really, who wants to date anyone who still has issues like this? Remember this, you teach people how to treat you, especially at a personal level. There is no offence intended, just my honest observation.
@ MElliot. I do not know Jay-Z’s history. But from reading the blog…if it is true that he grew up drugging and pimping, used that blood money, garnered success and went back to assist his community, then he needs to be commended at some level. People make mistakes, they should not always be judged by what they did when they “did not know any better”. He seems to have seen the light! And I know the point is that he is idolized without clarification, but that is for parents to teach their children. We can not hold the media responsible for everyhting.
@Musicman65…very funny… science fiction… you might meet the ‘bionic woman’ here.
@ngbabe… hi…You should not be complacent with comparisons of you to others made by others. I judge myself based on who I was yesteryear and who I am now, and I can tell you with confidence that I am a better person today than I was yesterday. I do not indulge in the futility of people comparisons - by anyone and at any level for any reason.
Comment by Nandi on 5 August 2009:
Chivalry’s a great base for relationships, isn’t it?
LOL,laugh_sailor! I will settle for good manners though.
sahara-Great Post!! Unfortunately with blogs and chatrooms, you often find people post for different reasons others than the platform of the website..Unfortunate, but true
“I do not indulge in the futility of people comparisons - by anyone and at any level for any reason.”
Exactly, at the end of the day people like who they like…..And if you are confident in yourself, comparisons would never come to mind…
Comment by Shotgun007 on 5 August 2009:
To “talkinital” regarding your comment to me dated 07/27. An internal message has been sent to you, rather than posting a reply on this blog.
Shotgun007
Comment by Shotgun007 on 5 August 2009:
Sahara,
You posted some really good points that I happen to agree with. Referring to “some” black women’s obsession of finding good black men.
It “seems” to me that black women have a great deal of loyalty to black men and finding a black male companion is priority and in some communities the only option.
Being more open to possibilities is a key component to finding your soulmate, he may not come in the form of an african american male. If I were at the same place and time that Michelle was when she met Obama, I definetly would have dated him. He’s attractive in more ways than one.
Good Nite everyone!!
Shotgun007
Comment by georgeW1001 on 5 August 2009:
I also agree with what gw178 stated initially. M.Elliott, also good points on your post.
Men and women (as difficult as it is sometimes) have to start looking past some of the more shallow things that really don’t matter nor make up the individual. Everyone should strive to be a little more open-minded I guess.
Comment by Kayshia. on 7 August 2009:
Warning: This post below may be offensive to someone. This is not the objective. It is in no way meant to defame or inflame any persons.
Are these blogs really suitable for a internet dating website. I notice that the same people are replying to these posts.
Create another website afroromanceblogs.com or something, I feel these blogs put of non African American people from joining. As a non African American, I find it quite sad that the site would employ someone to write these blogs in the first place. I’m sure there are so many topics that you could focus on, or even take peoples ideas.
Ria is working as a relationship spokesperson for afroromance - I hope you are not getting paid from people’s subscriptions to write these articles. I find it odd that she would write something which many offend some, and not response when someone or a few have said they are offended.
These blogs are of interest to some, but if you are going to write an article which you know is going to be offensive to some as being very presumptuous then you should not be writing it in the first place.
The context of the article could apply to anyone, and I hope the writer ( Ria) has enough intelligences to realise that, if you don’t I wonder why you was employed by this site to offend subscribers - that can’t be good for business lol.
Comment by ELLIOT on 7 August 2009:
Sahara,
Following that course of logic the people of Iraq should commend Sadaam as a role model after years of brutal torture and killings if he builds them a community center. Or what if Hitler had given the Jewish people of Germany better housing after the holocaust should we also commend him as a role model despite the brutal torture and uder of 6 millions Jews. Pablo Escobar often gave christmas presents to boys and girls and provided the poor with housing or running water which was funded by his cocaine exporting business involving the murder og government officials, citizens, and police officers. However, since he did build up his community with his drug money shoudl we also commend him as a role model. What you suggest Sahara is that it is ok to take blood money if a person has seen the light. If Osama Bin Laden decides to donate a community center to your neighboorhood you espouse the view that such a man should be commended. It is blood money Sahara. Money that was made of the death, suffering, torture, misery and pain of others. What good is it to take the money Sahara if you lose your soul. Wrong cannot be made into right Sahara. Only right can be made into right. A house built upon blood money will eventually fall.
Comment by miri2008 on 8 August 2009:
Handclapping and cheering for Kayshia’s comments!!! Thanks Kayshia, I share your sentiments.
Lifting text that other peopler wrote without giving citations and dure credit is called plagiarism. I have never seen this ‘Ria’ give anyone credit for their writing, so I’m wondering if ’she’ is writing all this stuff herself.
When I first joined this site and came on the blogs I was surprised and I have to admit a bit annoyed that people who were admittedly married were here blogging on what I thought was a site where people were seeking potential dates and possible relationships. I have since then dashed all expectations and just taken it as I find it.
It seems to be a place for much speculations and fairly pointless scrutiny of racial and sometimes ‘racist’ opinions and views. Somehow, I must be holding on to a sliver of hope, because I’m still here
Comment by homesteader on 9 August 2009:
Global Warming ; is because of the Multitudes of People on this Planet all use Sing more Heat powered Equipment in order to Survive .
Nobody wants War
Nobody wants Sick People
Nobody wants Crazy people
Some Desire Happy Thoughts at a Dating Site Blog .
Oh Well ?
Comment by homesteader on 9 August 2009:
P.S. And President Obama is wearing a Jacket in the Heat of Summer ?
Comment by homesteader on 9 August 2009:
Ria ; That is Similiar to My picture from 2000 here at AfroRomance Profiles / Alas I have Been Successful .
Why change the Pictures ?
I think they all look Good
Comment by Shotgun007 on 9 August 2009:
Kayshia, I really appreciate your post and comments.
Miri2008, well-stated and I share your views on much of what you wrote. Taking a glance at some of the Article Blogs, I just sometimes “scratch” my head and wonder.
Comment by yoyo99 on 10 August 2009:
Elliot: IMO, every dollar bill is tarnished with the stains of unjust wars; unjust trade agreements and corruption….
….add to your list that President Obama should be commended for promoting health care reforms funded by money generated from the theft of Iraqi oil reserves.
Comment by nandi on 10 August 2009:
Sahara, excellent post! I could not agree more, but I think others will view profiles they just won’t blog perhaps, but I pretty sure quite few are reading these blogs. Thank could be a good thing as well.
And since all Black Women are not originally from America, the lumping and blind generalized statements of Black Women and/or African-Americans is as multi-cultural and diverse as Black Women themselves from the Carribean, Africa to Black Latinos, so clearly the views and history will be different.
I think any woman or man should date who they want, for whatever reasons that pleasing them. People who don’t like it and what to analyze others decisions…..I say why bother even explaining to them.
Comment by nandi on 10 August 2009:
Exactly! yoyo
every dollar bill is tarnished with the stains of unjust wars; unjust trade agreements and corruption….
And atleast Jay Z, is attempting to right his wrongs, God did give his only begotten son so that the Jayz of this world who admitted their wrongs and attempted to makes amendments have a chance at redeemption. Atleast he is capable of manning up and taking responsibility for his actions, without just talking about but being about.
However, I think the national health care if it is passed will be paid in addition by this tax, at first I thought it was unfair, but they have tax smokers for everthing…
http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2009/07/27/politics/politicalhotsheet/entry5192172.shtml
Even though I do not smoke or drink soda pop, I was hoping it would be a tax that all Americans have to pay for, I am willing to pay fair share of the cost for National Health Care…To bad the protesters and my favorite one was some old lady who shouted “Keep the government out of my medicare” LOL
I guess someone should tell her, she is already enrolled in a government based healthcare.
Comment by elliot on 11 August 2009:
Yoyo99,
I did not know the money from Iraqi oil reserves was going ot be used to fund health care reform. However, if your sources are accurate then I too would condemn such funds being used to reform healthcare if the purpose of the money is to go to wards rebuilding Iraq.
Comment by yoyo99 on 12 August 2009:
Not accurate sources at all Elliot….just the schemings of the conspiracy theorists !!!
Makes us think though.
Comment by elliot on 12 August 2009:
Jay-Z is not attemtping to write a wrong. You do not write a wrong by glorifying the very wrong to generations of yonug people in hopes of making profit from the wrong that brought sorrow and misery to lives of so many. To make records for profit glorifying drug dealing, pimping women, or gang banging is not redemption. I again point to some examples: If a notorious drug dealer were to donate money to families for a funeral feast and the burial of their loved ones who consumed and died from his drugs has he redeemed himself if he continues to sell drugs in the community? If a pimp continues to beat and pimp women is he/she redeemed if he/she occassionally purchases the women an occassional gift. Is a lifelong pedafiler redeemed if he offers complimentary couseling to each of the little boys/girls he has abused, but continues to abuse? The point is Jay-Z does not admonish his past behavior and lifestyle instead he glorifies it is seeks to make money off of it while indoctrinating future generations into a mentality that selling drugs will get you women, fame, cars, and lots of money.
Comment by dolly48 on 17 August 2009:
Some of you have gotten way off point here! Stick to the main issue the article focused on
JMHO (and please check your spelling before hitting “submit comment)
Comment by Only1Kim on 18 August 2009:
I find this blog to be very cute at the least. I’m thinking, in ‘88-89 I was trying to get through high school & beating up boys. I’m reading some of these responses & I am like “wow.” To each his/her own, whatever floats your boat. Everyone wants that “right for him/her fit.” No one should feel bad about what there desires are.
Moving right along. When I was in my 20’s a thug was cute. As a 30 something woman, I’ve outgrown that. Of course you want someone that can relate to you, understand you, interested in you.
So Michele & Barack were attorneys, & all that good stuff. They had chemistry. At the end of the day they could relate & love each other. So if you’re that gold-digger & that’s what he likes, that’s what they can relate to. It’s not like he didn’t know, the signs are obvious. If you’re that successful man & you want a housewife, that’s your thang.
When it’s all said & done, did you do it for love or money & are you happy? No one makes that choice for you but you.
People, stop getting so extra sensitive about these blogs. They are set up to get you busy, confrontational, and prove their point. Stop letting them win.
Heck, would Barack have given me a chance. LOL!
Comment by graphacircle on 19 October 2009:
why do you think people are so adamant about receiving a degree from an institution like harvard?
why is president obama being illogically compared with the “average black man” or any “average man”? it should be noted that he has an undergrad degree from columbia university and a law degree from harvard. at the time he met michelle he had those degrees at the time he met his current wife who is also an ivy league grad. furthermore, they met while he was interning (and she was already employed) at one of the most prestigious law firms in the world. you see, having such degrees and having done such internships are currency within themselves. they hold value and represent the inevitably for success or the extreme likelihood it it. for many, they represent the unambiguous recipe for success.
this is a very pathetic argument that seems to be disconnected from all reality. why is it that, of all women, black women are treated as some sort of monolith? from what i have noticed most women have basic expectations for men.
alas, a lot of hostility towards and cliche stereotyping of black women. what else is new?