Are we too quick to seek out divorce?

Posted by Ria, 22 Apr 09

“I married him hoping I would eventually fall in love with his nice self. I think I should split!” “I no longer feel the madly-in-love bliss I felt when we first met. I think I should split!” “He loves me too much. Do you think I should split?”

We all get married for different reasons. Some good, some selfish. But once we get married and a few years go by, we start wondering if it was really worth it. And more often than not, we split from our partners - TOO SOON - in the belief that we will be happier. Then we find we aren’t. And those who stay and work on their marriages often do find themselves happier down the line.

It’s easier to blame unhappiness on not being in love with your spouse when in real sense, you are actually unhappy for other reasons. But then again, everyone is entitled to seek a satisfying life.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

Do you think American couples are too quick to seek out divorce without at least trying to save their marriages? Do you think we have idealized notions of what we could be missing in our marriages or what happiness in marriage is?

24 responses to "Are we too quick to seek out divorce?"

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  1.   sweetness says:
    Posted: 13 Aug 10

    I'm 24 years old and I have been married for almost 6 months. I have known my husband for 13 years. I have a 4 year old daughter, he is not the father. Everything was great at first we had our honeymoon phase and then about a month after we got married he started picking on my daughter calling her names such as a F@@@ing Retard or tells her that she is stupid when she asks a question.... he plays rough with her and when she cries he calls her a P@@@Y.... she wants to leave, she is so afraid him and so am i but i do stand up to him for my daughter. So I guess for me it's not that we are quick to get divorced, WE ARE QUICK TO GET MARRIED!!!!!!

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  2.   Bellara says:
    Posted: 23 Apr 10

    we are not too quick to seek out divorce, we are too quick to get married. oh love was killing us softly so we got married after just a month of knowing each other. we couldnt live without each other so we got married after 6 months. before focusing on the divorce rate we might want to checkout the underlying causes such as who is more likely to get married then who is more likely to get divorced. can't get to 2 without going thru 1. some coupel find out unpleasant things after marriage because they didnt take time to study each other, learn from each other and teach each other a thing or two. it always helps when you date the person for at least a yr before getting engaged, live together for at least for a yr before getting married because chances are the behavior both parties exhibited during their period of cohabiting is likely to be exhibited during marriage...after all people dont change just like that. if he was a piglet when you met him chances are he'll remain a piglet after marriage and might even turn into a full pif (same goes for the female)...and so on!

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  3.   Member says:
    Posted: 31 Aug 09

    well.... dont know and dont care... hejehehehe

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  4.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 06 Jul 09

    FC, I assume you wrote that as a joke. It is customary in blog communication to add LOL, lmao or some emoticon to indicate that stab at humour. If you weren't joking, you haven't learned anything I've tried to teach you. The most important of those lessons being for YOU to not call me out by name or insinuation in these public forums.

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  5. Posted: 05 Jul 09

    Fkoi, most men give the engagement ring to the woman they want to marry, not to her father.

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  6.   lady_soriya says:
    Posted: 04 Jul 09

    Recently, an old friend of mine announced that she and her husband of 1 1/2 years were getting a divorce. Not that I was surprised because she hardly knew him (for 4 months) and come to find out that he had spent some time in jail for fraud. This isn't the first person who has been married for a short period of time and have gotten divorced. Sadly, marriage seems to be losing what it use to stand for because some people seem to go on looks, wealth, or their hormones rather than taking time to build a strong, loving and trusting relationship and bond that can withstand alot of things. It's become more of a business contract. I feel that before you decide to say "I do", some people need to really take a step back and try and picture themselves being that person for many years to come. Marriage should be something both people want, not just based on love alone, but based on building a better life together and their children.

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  7.   Girlstar7 says:
    Posted: 07 Jun 09

    I feel that yes! we are too quick to file for divorce at the first drop of problems. Where is the love ans commitement to love, family and the family structure. Better for worse, sickness and health dieath do us part. And the most important of all... the promise to God on the naturalness of man and women union. Money, communication and adultery are key factors in the destruction of a married life. No other women or man should have that much lust over your wife or husband. Falling weak to lust is so stupid and worthless in the end, nothing is worth risking a good and healthy union. Why are we so quick to break up the family because of foolishness?. Does anybody stand up for marriage? I agree to the fact of a marriage that should most definately be broke... child abuse by one parent, domestic violence way out of control, sexual abuse with no one trying to report or stop the abuse.

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  8.   moejoe99 says:
    Posted: 26 May 09

    That "in love fireworks" feeling we experience in the beginning isn't love at all, but it sure does feel good. And it tricks most people to conclude they've found the love of their life. What they've in fact found is nothing more than a physiological experience with brain chemicals shooting off non-stop for as long as our bodies can sustain the "high". We talk for hours all through the night on the phone, take risks to be together when we shouldn't, we buy each other little gifts, we write love letters, we have sex like bunnies, etc etc, and oh, by the way, we think we're in love. Seriously, our bodies and minds can't possibly function at that level indefinitely. Eventually, the physiological fueling process runs dry and reality hits! Forget about the flowers and the cards and the sex and the all night phone calls.....the reality is, very simply, a cumulative tally of all "life's realities" each of us have come to learn about each other. (And please spare me the "no baggage argument".....we all have baggage if we've lived anything close to an interesting life....the only question is whether we are in relative control of our baggage.) If the realities we have come to learn about each other are meaningless and lack substance, (or if they're down right irritating), then we simply break off the relationship. But what if there is substance to the relationship? How do we balance the frustrations of reality against the substantive qualities that we love in our mate? It's then up to Dick and Jane to decide if those substantive qualities are important enough, to take them to the next step, from a giggly, emotional relationship, to building a mature relationship (which will hopefully still include a degree of bunny sex) but more realistically, will include all the challenges (ie, realities) that have now come to the forefront of the relationship. The challenges were always there in the beginning, but they were entirely obsucured by the physiological experience of "falling in love". Many of us believe there is no better feeling than falling in love. I believe if we work at our relationship daily and not take each other for granted, AND, really take time to consider the substantive things we have with our partner, the potential of a "mature love experience" will far surpass the "falling in love" experience. Now if I could just find someone to buy into that idea.....

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  9.   rarestgold says:
    Posted: 14 May 09

    We are a society where instant gratification is the only thing that works for many people. What people fail to realize is that no relationship is 50/50 someone is always going to give more than they receive and vice-versa. How you handle the downs will define you and unfortunately many who aren't willing to MAKE a marriage work are defined by selfishness - Learning to be unselfish is an important key in any relationship.

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  10.   cheeky05 says:
    Posted: 13 May 09

    marriage these days is under valued i was married and i thought it was for life me and my ex had our ups and downs but she gave up on the marriage , afer the first serious issue i wanted to fight to save the marriage but if one doesnt want it and the other does you are fighting a losing battle. its to easy to divorce and to many peole give up with out a fight and it seems a trend all over the world no longer do most peeps stay married for life which is a shame its jut to easy to seperate .

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  11.   onefouryou says:
    Posted: 11 May 09

    I feel like they should mark anyone who cheats or breaks the marriage code like they did in the olden days with a S both men and woman. If you want to divorce do not be a coward discus with it your partner make sure you gave it all unless there is violence. involved Try to divorce on good turns because this is the same person you once loved DO NOT LEAVE OR LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH REGRETS.

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  12.   ninja39 says:
    Posted: 09 May 09

    I think that in today's society we are to quick to seek out divorce. I am divorced and did not want to be but my husband came to me one day and told me that he discovered that he wasn't ready to be married. But I see now how people are divorcing over the way a person sleeps, the way they cook, all sorts of frivolous reasons. There is no sanctity in marriage anymore. Marriage with most people seem to be like a passing fad. It's not like 30 to 40 years ago when someone got married it really was for life. My ex-husbands parents have been married for 60 years, they were high school sweethearts. Not too many people can say that because most people don't hold marriage on the level that it should be held on. Marriage is something that God put into place when he created Adam and Eve and it should be somethng upheld to God's standards.

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  13.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 08 May 09

    Depending on the situation, sometimes too quick is not fast enough when it comes to ending a marriage. As long as THE RESPECT is there the marraige can stay in tact even when the fire has died out but when one or both are having affairs, being abusive and coming home if and when they please, then it's time to get out of that marriage. That type of marriage does more damage than good to both parties and as the song says, " IT'S A THIN LINE BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE" and things could get out of hand and turn violent. I dont believe two people should stay married when one or both makes it plan that they just don't care. Life's precious and it's too short, so walk away and take your dignity and self respet with you.

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  14.   mrscott67 says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    First off many people get married based more on physical attraction rather than the soul of a person. If people don't start spending more time getting to know each other, then of course you will end up a statistic. I have never been married but it doesn't take a scientist to have common sense in a marriage. Its like a flower. If you don't pay attention to it on a daily basis it will gradually start to die. When it comes to divorce every situation is different. But I do believe that alot of people do give up too easy. We can thank the system for that. Its easier and cheaper to get divorced than it is to get married. The bottom line is this generation of people needs to grow up and act like adults. Learn the word respect and quit taking others for granted and your life will end up with a more positive outcome.

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  15.   lola73 says:
    Posted: 28 Apr 09

    Wow...some people on here give such great insight but don't follow their own advice. Amazing. Anyway... I agree with everyone, its just an excuse to not try and work things out. I knew a couple that divorced over who paid more for their son's headstone!!! The difference was $11.62!! They actually argued this in court.

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  16.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 28 Apr 09

    Marriage was at one time an economic contract. A man would buy his bride from her father (symbolized today in our culture by the engagement ring); the bride price. The father (or other male figure) would pay a dowry to show his agreement to the contract. Since property usually was handed down by men to men, the bride was pretty much stuck in the marriage, no matter how she felt about her husband (and often she only got to know her husband [and visa versa] at all after the wedding). In post-industrialized society, all we really have is the vows. When a man and a woman swear to love and cherish each other until "death do us part", that is a serious commitment. But not one taken very seriously. We live in a time when lying is taken as a matter of course. Taxes, steroids, traffic laws, infidelity and politicians are all pretty much accepted on a basis of "If I don't get caught, it ain't wrong." No wonder marriages in this country don't last. Sure we are too quick to seek a solution in divorce. We give our word half-assed knowing we can get out of it like children with their fingers crossed. It is part of a larger picture for sure. In the face of that, marriage takes effort. It takes communication. It takes resolve. It takes commitment. From both parties. The rewards can be great. So can the penalties. I'm not suggesting we go back to the bride price/dowry system (I wouldn't know what to do with a hundred goats anyway). I am suggesting that we give a little more thought to what our word is worth. If I say, "I do" then I damn well better do. Divorce should be a last resort. Not a first one.

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  17.   Glock says:
    Posted: 26 Apr 09

    In one word...yes. We often seek divorce because it's the easiest way of disolving any responsibility to the other person. Yes, there are marriages that should not be saved (in fact they never should have been made to begin with). But when you enter a marriage you not only entered a contract with you spouse but with God as well. I agree with Nikkieboxers that all avenues should be explored in order to save it, especially if there are kids. Too often however, people marry at such a young age, more to do with the impulse feeling and infatuation with each other than how compatable they really are with one another. Disaster waiting to happen. Disaster usually wins. I think spending time together, you know, the whole courting thing, will tell if people are compatable if, they spend enough time courting and not rushing into a relationship.

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  18.   nikkiboxers says:
    Posted: 25 Apr 09

    Divorce is sought out too quick in marriages these days. I totally believe in exhausting all the possibilities before calling it quits. People are sometimes too lazy & don't want to work at something & would rather pay an attorney to communicate or solve their problems for them. The fairy tale ends, then the real world settles in. Lackluster relationships can be salvaged. The key to any relationship is that you have to "WANT" it more than anything. Nothing can work if you don't want it. With faith in God, anything can be. But one can not do it alone. Both have to want it.

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  19.   snuggels says:
    Posted: 23 Apr 09

    Ok reasons for divorce. Pressures of madern day living. We dont treat the symtom instread of recognising the problem. Our expectations of a realtionship are to high

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  20.   jacarape says:
    Posted: 23 Apr 09

    Ha, no. You are to quick to marry, not to quick to divorce.

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  21. Posted: 23 Apr 09

    @ No Player...I like that line, " move beyond the emotional and engage in the functional"....god I love it.

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  22.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 22 Apr 09

    It's funny when you hear people now days say they're in love, I can only wonder do they really understand what they're saying? I think people got it twisted, because love is more than that warm feeling you get he or she calls your name, it's more than people saying how cute the two of you look together, it's more than sexual compatibility. The word love implies function, duty, responsibilty, and so much more. We find out just how much we love eachother when we're required to move beyond the emotional and engage in the functional. When it comes time to carry out duty, take on responsibility or meet obligation, that's when the thrill is over. I guess it comes down to this, two people who want to be together, will stay together!

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  23. Posted: 22 Apr 09

    To Polarize the issue to only Americans shows a lack of desire for a true answer to the question. If it is an american couple or a couple from another culture, it would appear that some people marry for selfish reasons. Marriage takes hard work. No one is going to be in bliss 24/7. Good times and bad times are part of marriage. Too many people think..well if I become unhappy i will leave. There are even terms for this attitude. Starter wives/husband. Pfffffftt. maturity is not in the union as it was when our parents were married ( in the 30's and 40's). Now I was married until my husband died and despite the hard times..i never thought once about leaving and he never took off for that pack of cigarettes . We have become a society of people who place marriage in the same category as diapers and paper cups...disposable. (sighs)

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  24.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 22 Apr 09

    Ria ; May I ask who is " We " ? In my personal past / the first wife left after 6 years and her second husband Beat her Repeatedly daily . My second marriage lasted 25 years and we divorced friends because we had raised 2 daughters together . We were still Father and Mother / and Loved our children . It has been over 2 years since We met here and married till death do us part . On television many years ago , I remember a talk show with Carley Simon and James Taylor who said ten years was all that married people were supposed to stay together . You live in Nevada if I am correct . I remember a long time ago , that was where people went for a Quick Divorce . Times have indeed changed , Let's all try to get with the Program and change with them .

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