Constructive criticism–what do men really think?

Posted by Ria, 22 Sep 08

nag.jpg

Does your dude think your feedback is nagging?

"My father, who kept industrial-grade acetone in the house to perfect the kitchen counters, was constantly after me about cleaning the pig sty that was my bedroom floor. ‘Man, I can’t wait to get out of here and get a girlfriend’, I thought. ‘I’ll never have to put up with nagging again!’" some dude once thought…until he went to college and got that girlfriend. Man...didn't he long for his dad's nagging!

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Turns out the girl harassed him about not giving her enough attention and complained that I was suffocating her – both within the course of like 12 hours. In contrast, he missed daddy’s nagging coz at least he used to harass him to do something that seemed possible to him. Much as he had worn her over, suddenly, he wasn’t dressing right, and was forbidden to tell people he was studying poetry. Well, dude got dumped two weeks later...for another man.

Well the above is typical of women if I may say. Women will be into a man; then into changing a man. Even with that in mind, our dude didn’t stop there. I mean, much as he sees himself as nearly perfect, he realized not everyone would like everything about him.

He adds, “Confronting me on my crap is exciting and even intimate. Doing it repetitively, loudly, and not noticing when I make adjustments? That’s when it’s nagging.”

And along came girlfriend no. 2. Well, she nagged him about a habit he has – flushing the toilet halfway through his bladder business and then reaching for the lever while in the process. And when done, he flushes again. Now this is something he used to do unconsciously until the girl pointed out. Then she pointed it out again…then again…and again!!!

This bathroom biz wasn’t the only reason the relationship ended, but then again it wasn’t for nothing either. “If a man can’t feel like he can do his own thing while he’s, well, doing his thing…how can he ever be comfortable going deeper into relationship with someone?” he said.

Then there was the pen chewing that made girlfriend no.3 cringe. Well he tried to remember not to do it around her but after the 23rd time of being constantly yelled at -while absorbed in a crossword, he blurted out he felt nagged. Then came every girl’s favorite reply: “I nag because I love.”

“Make a list of the 100 things you want in a loving relationship. Chances are someone who expresses their love by nagging me doesn’t make the cut. (If it does, I’ve got a girl named Shana I want you to meet.) If you “nag because you love,” then you love wrong. Loving is about allowing people the dignity to be who they are. Nagging sucks the dignity out of the room–for both the nagger and the naggee,” went our naggee.

Most of us lose sight of what’s important in relationships in a cloud of nagging. Nagging! Giving feedback! What’s the difference? The compassion I have for a nagger is most of the time, they are up against the result of the habits developed from a single life – a life of non-accountability. Question is: are you willing to be single again just because he carries the laptop to the toilet to play solitaire while doing his thing? Are you willing to dump her because of how she dices her tomatoes?

Well the dude sums up his feelings with this piece of advice, “...if it is worth bringing up, can’t it be done in a way that doesn’t seem to say, ultimately: You’re driving me nuts and now I’m going to return the favor. But there is hope. What to one partner is a disgusting habit is to another the cutest little thing. Ruby would have carried a portable electroshock device to zap me every time I let even a silent burp slip through my lips. Carrie laughs and kisses me on the cheek when I finish dinner with a window-rattling belch.”

Want to hear the flip side? This guy finds that particular laugh and kiss a little annoying. And he plans on mentioning it to her :lol:

9 responses to "Constructive criticism–what do men really think?"

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  1.   licious says:
    Posted: 01 Oct 08

    I remember nagging my kids father and 6yrs later we were done and I became a single parent. Then I met my ex fiance and I nagged for things that would make him better, like his 24/7 heavy drinking. It drove me nuts as he was always drinkin and drivin.Being up late at night worrying wasnt worth it. One of the reason he told me he left is because I wasnt a drinker so he found one ( he cheated on me with her). I wish him the best in life and hope he grows up. I learnt my lesson and have decided to go with the flow with this new guy and fingers cross it works as I am not the nagger, we just give the look to each other like an old married couple. then we laugh it off as we have just read each others thought. :) Nagging can be a good thing if you nag for the right reason such as caring for someone and wanting the best for them. nagging for stupid things, life is to short for that. I learnt that the hard way.

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  2.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 27 Sep 08

    Nagging irritates but so do habits..maybe we just need to find better ways of improving on what others hate so much in us.

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  3.   lovelybbw says:
    Posted: 26 Sep 08

    Constructive criticism is criticism kindly meant that has a goal of improving some area of anothers persons life or work. The key word here is KINDLY! Nagging on the other hand is fault-finding; teasing; persistently annoying. The key word here is FAULT! I would rather offer a solution than just point out the faults of another, especially the one I love! If you are too the point in a relationship when you are just pointing and picking at anothers faults and short comings, the relationship is doomed.

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  4.   MochaRich says:
    Posted: 23 Sep 08

    Although none of us can see ourselves the way others do, we must strive to develop a certain amount of humility and objectivity regarding ourselves. It is only then that we can begin to grow and know the difference between someone trying to help us vs. someone wanting to manipulate us.

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  5.   party1 says:
    Posted: 22 Sep 08

    Privately,,once a year IF there is an actual flaw lol

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  6.   vt33 says:
    Posted: 22 Sep 08

    I think Constructive Cristism is good for a couple, when it brings a end to somthing that may be a issue in a relationship ,talk, analyze, solution, relate and move on. I think nagging is a subliminal way to say, I really don't want to be with you anymore, so if I keep hounding you, you'll leave. I mean in a certain case, nagging is not the end of the world, i.e. mowing the grass, fixing somthing around the house, thats important stuff. Yet peeve nagging, not cool. Ciao

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  7.   FireStorm says:
    Posted: 22 Sep 08

    I guess we all need to know how to pick our battles...and when something is absolutely not ok, find a way to point it out nicely, and give room and time for improvement :)

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  8.   Sunryze says:
    Posted: 22 Sep 08

    Everyone has a nag at various points, the main thing is to not push it over and over and give time and grace to let it manifest, and offer assistance rather than an ever-pointed finger and frown. My girlfriend points out little things to me every now and then, and I'm only too glad to oblige her because she does it in her quiet and positive way. It's a rare gift in an age when so many people are frustrated and impatient, and she's brought out the best in me too as a result. I quote this line from the movie Gladiator: Gracchus (Derek Jacobi) praises the character of Lucilla (Connie Nielson) when she steps in to stay the tyrannical ego of Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix)... "My lady, as always your lightest touch commands obedience." Works for us! ;)

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  9.   Pia65 says:
    Posted: 22 Sep 08

    Interesting article.........I was married for 19.5 years and if I nagged my late husband it surely wouldn't have lasted that long! We decided early in our relationship to give a "look or a light touch on the arm" to train ourselves not to do a "no-no." I can't say this will work for everyone...You'll have to find your own system, but it worked quite for us! Best of luck to you all!

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