Could talking be tearing marriage apart?

Posted by Ria, 28 Jun 10

"Communicate … Communication is the key factor to a successful relationship". This is what most marriage counselors and relationship reading materials cite. But with every mention of “the talk”, the look on most men’s faces suggest otherwise. And most women wonder why - I mean, I’ve always known it’s the only way to resolve issues in relationships.

Woman: “Can we talk?” And to this comes the question: “What have I done now?” and a frown. What follows after that is a mono conversation by the woman with sometimes no eye contact from the man. And if lucky, one may get a few nodes and an "ok" every now and then - which sometimes is initiated by the woman.

I have had my share of that from all the men I have dated. It always leaves me wondering if I am the only one that feels the need to resolve issues in the relationships. Given how most women cite similar situations, does this mean most men don’t care about relationships as much as women do?

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

In the book ‘How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It’, authors, Dr. Patricia Love and Dr. Steven Stosny disagree with the view of “the talk” being the glue that holds a marriage. In fact they believe talking makes things worse. Much as women find talking to be somewhat therapeutic, men are put off by it. In fact they say men feel that women use talking as an excuse to criticize them for their inadequacy; making them recoil into their infamous shells.

Apparently, “the talk” makes a man feel he has let his woman down. And this vulnerability of not wanting to appear more ineffective is usually masked with anger and negativity. On the other hand, “emotional bonds serve as a woman’s primary source of comfort”, the authors point out. Women relax when they feel close; they have a heightened sensitivity to isolation hence react strongly to it. That said, a man who retreats to video games and the telly will definitely be dubbed insensitive and disinterested.

So whenever a woman brings up the talk, the couple goes through this same vicious cycle. Which is why the authors believe talking messes things up. And why these differences? We are wired like this from birth.

I now understand men’s reaction to “the talk”. I now get why I have been having those endless conversations with me, myself and I men who seem disinterested. But if I hadn’t gone through this book, I’d still be pursuing this failing quest to get my man to talk. I think if couples understood how differently they interpret verbal and non-verbal reactions, maybe they’d be less divorce.

So how can women address relationship issues without “the talk”? Better yet, how does a woman bring up relationship issues without coming off as trying to tear the man and his shortcomings apart? Trust me, I have tried the no-pointing-fingers and I still get the silence… :roll:

7 responses to "Could talking be tearing marriage apart?"

Leave a reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

  1.   kissime says:
    Posted: 14 Aug 10

    ~`Fear is a needed emotion. But remember, when your heart closes, others may keep their heart & soul locked- afraid of your rejection. Give love and swim in honey. Vulnerability at time may stimulate passion through your core. Open your heart as if taking a bite of an exotic dessert: you've never had its pleasure, you're hesitant... But know once tasted its sweetness will awaken your senses. This is written to you to ease any fear. Know this is not an attempt to win your heart. But only to help you with the possibility of ever embracing love if it ever kiss you so gently-by whomever.`~ FA~ A.K.A Kissime

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  2.   theladybarb says:
    Posted: 10 Jul 10

    Now THIS is an article worth discussing! As a matter of fact, I perused this very topic on MSN a couple of weeks ago, however, I did not read it in its entirety. I wish I had now. We all know that communication is the key to getting along in any relationship. The trick is, HOW to communicate effectively. It's been my experience that men HATE long drawn out conversations. After a certain point, they simply close up and withdraw. For me, in my current new relationship, I've learned to LISTEN to what he says and not react so much. I recieve much better reception when I am concise, calm and relaxed. I've learned to appreciate his style. He may not do things just the way that I envision, but he does do things that is extremely desirable.... like call daily to see how I'm doing. He's very complimentary of me and extremely patient. He makes sure that I feel beautiful and he offers wonderful advice. What I've noticed is that during intimate times, he's very forthcoming with how he feels and sometimes those feelings take my breath away. I know that if I want to keep this man, I have cannot rant, rave, and insist on "the talk" everytime I become annoyed or upset about something. After all he's a fully grown man and not subject to change anytime soon. We do discuss things but I have learned to not inisisthaving a talk or on having to be the "winner" or having to make "sure" he hears me. He hears me and like he has told me... it's not to his advantage to have me upset or feeling badly. We listen to one another and sometimes we just have to take a break and let things be. Sometimes it's good to send an email or note to him letting him know what I'm upset with. How he takes it depends on the tone of my correspondence. Because I value this person I want to take care of the relationship, just as he does. When he gives me little tibits of information of how his personality is, I have to decide whether or not I want to deal with him or not. I've decided that he's worth dealing with and therefore it's advantageous to both of us that we learn to communicate with one another effectively.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  3.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 07 Jul 10

    I think women should understand that men are different and as such we communicated differently and there's nothing wrong with that. Women speak the word and men respond to that word. Alot of times women feel that men do not express feelings of love because we don't talk as much as women would like us to, when in reality we express our love diferent than women do and it's not always verbal. If your man trust you he'll have no problem talking to you but if you gossip and talk too much about the wrong things then he may not trust you enough to talk to you. You only get one time to violate that trust and if you've put his business out in the streets before, then you can hang it up, he'll never fully open up to you. You have to know when to talk to him and most important, how to talk to him, you wont get too far trying to out-talk him, you have to be willing to listen as much as you talk. Deep talk is like sex, it requires the right mood and a little bit of foreplay. As a woman you just cant open up and give yourself to your man, you have to be arroused and stimulated to a certain degree before you can just get right down to it, you can try but it might lead to some irratation and make the whole experience very unpleasant. LMAO Ladies let him warm up first before you start your verbal marathon session with him.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  4.   Kissime says:
    Posted: 03 Jul 10

    I agree with everything NOPLAYER stated. As long as he does all of the above I'm ALL GOOD. I just want to be left alone sometime. I don't need a man hounding me--going through my things, acting as if he forgot to take his schizophrenia medication...Let Me Breathe. Seriously, I remember this wonderful man I dated bought me a beeper (yes, a beeper) I just never answered it, and I accidentally broke it. He was constantly questioning me. He was a good guy. All he wanted was to get married and have children. It could had worked out if he'd chilled out. The more he wanted to "talk" the more I wanted to run away. I don't mind talking, but do not stress me out- 'cause I'll do the disappearing act in a minute. I Don't Like Drama. I just need a moment to myself. I Do Not Like To Argue...I avoid It Like The PLAGUE. But if you taunt me; please call me, Pandora, 'cause you just opened my Box (nothing devious will happen) but I promise, we will never be the same. To get along with me is to leave me alone until we can speak with each other respectfully. Take a deep breath--allow me to take a deep breath, walk away. Analyze why this problem is so important to discuss. Approach me as you'd want me to approach you. Let's not throw stones...don't allow your friends in our relationship...you know I love you, baby, kissime, and we'll be making love under a full moon.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  5.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 29 Jun 10

    ? So how can women address relationship issues without the talk? Better yet, how does a woman bring up relationship issues without coming off as trying to tear the man and his shortcomings apart? RE: "Timing" what you say is just as important as "saying" what you say! As men we have the world on our shoulders and it makes things more difficult when you're on our backs with so-called relationship issues. here's an example: If your man is worried about being laid off of his job, of course he'll retreat to his man-hole and become distant as he tries to work things out, so don't go brickering about him not cuddling up with you at night or not talking to you. You're attemping to address a non-relationship issue, his distance and silence is the result of an outside factor and not you or the relationship. If you look at the roles in male and female relationships you'll notice that men fix things and women point things that need fixing. Naturally women are better at articulating the issues and as men we having to be up to the challenge of dealing with the issue or fixing the problem. "The Talk" becomes the problem when women continue to point out things that we're already aware of, things we're attemping to deal with, or problems we're stuck on at the moment. When we get to the bottom of it we'll let you know but don't keep on chasing us around the house with the "we need to talk" stick. Like it was said men and women are wired differently when it comes to communication. Women process information and work through problems by talking, while men turn inward to process and reach conclusions. Men will shut down on you and we'll go inward and once we get things sorted out we'll get back at you but often times you will have forgotten it and wont even remember what we're talking about. Women are creators of security and stability and they become uneasy when the talking stops because they have no other way of knowing where they stand if the communication is not there. Ria I'll help you and a few others out! Lets say your man has been quite lately and he hasn't been himself, don't go into CODE RED emergency response just yet. He may have something on his mind and maybe he's not ready to talk with you yet but if the following things have not change, don't worry you're still IN THERE: 1. If he's coming home to you every night it's because you still give him a reason to want to come home. 2. As long as his check comes home, that means he still upholds his responsibility to the home front. 3. If he still gets a hard-on when you lay with your booty pressed against him at night, U N-DA HOUSE, so don't worry. 4. If his daily routines have not change then everyting is alright because men are creators of habit and our habits only change when we change! If a man feels the need to talk about certain things to you he will but never try to strong-arm him, you wont get the desired results. Remember a personal issue doesn't always have to be a realationship issue, so don't make it what it's not and don't turn a summer shower into a hurrincane.

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  6.   fadedsuede says:
    Posted: 29 Jun 10

    I think "timing" of "the talk" is very important. Dont start "the talk" while a man's mind is focused on other things; it is a disruption and will probably lead to a simple "yeah...ok". Wait until the END OF THE DAY when all distractions around the man are gone, and then start "the talk". Just me.... ~W

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment
  7.   whurr says:
    Posted: 28 Jun 10

    Forget about 'THE TALK'..... ..... can you put your ankles by your ears?? If the answer is 'yes', no marriage being torn apart in that house!!

    Like or Dislike: or 0 (0)
    Reply to this comment