With statistics being what they are these days, many people are single with children…men and women. Even If you have children of your own, dating someone else with children comes with a certain amount of challenges, pressures and obstacles that require patience, understanding and lots of love. Are you ready to unpack the bags and build a strong viable relationship with parent and child?
Hey, this is Leticia and this topic has been on my mind for some time now. And just as quickly as I made the decision to write about it this month, the law of attraction was working in my favor. Unfortunately, not in the favor of two good friends who happen to be single parents.
Sabrina called and I could hear the frustration and pain in her voice. For 15 minutes I listened to her tell me that she was tired of doing it all alone. Every choice, decision, action and follow through had to come from her with absolutely no help from the child’s father. Aside from the inconsistent child support, that even if it did come regularly and on time still wouldn’t be enough. Then there’s the time issue. How does one person work a full-time job; go to school and raise a child that’s active and involved in scouting, sports, dance recitals and play dates; and still find the time let alone the interest to date?
Robert is recently divorced. He has one child, but his ex-wife has two other children that he’s been raising as his own for almost five years now. He’s had to move back in with his parents (at 32), so, that he would not fall behind in his support payments so that he can continue to see his son without having any “baby mama drama”. Although he has been single long enough to jump back into the dating game, Robert is only looking for one thing, and it ain’t a babysitter.
So, what’s really different between the two of my single parent friends? Well, first we must understand that men and women that are single parents on average view dating differently. Women, like my friend Sabrina measures a man first based on his ability to provide for his family. Sabrina and the other single moms I know; are looking for someone that can help relieve the day to day burdens of raising a child alone. Even if that is just someone to come home to, someone that can cook dinner every once in a while or take them out to eat.
Men look at women for companionship. They aren’t looking for someone to care or provide for their children; just be nice to them. Their priority isn’t in finding a “mommy figure” it’s finding a mate. I don’t think that it’s because their first priority isn’t with the child, it’s just that most men don’t have custody, and they know that “they” will take care of their own children; they just want to find someone that will take care of them. Or as Robert recently told a potential suitor, “I only want a woman for one thing right now”. At least he was being honest.
It really comes down to the same dating principles that every one else should use, finding someone that is right for you. Date for the sake of dating (going out with someone regularly as a social or romantic partner). There’s no point of introducing them to your children if you don’t feel like they are someone that will be around for a while or even a good fit into the family. I’m sorry, but there is nothing cute about little kids referring to every man as their “uncle” or a woman as “daddy’s girl Friday”.
However, when you do meet that person don’t sabotage the relationship by being overly guarded. Speaking from personal experience, I was raised by my mom with little exposure to men other than my dad. So, when I became a single parent, I never thought that another man could love my kids as much as their biological father. I had to first step back and stop making the distinction between “yours and mine”. Then I realized that not only had I found a man that was the best choice I could have made for me, he was the best daddy my children could ever have.
This is Leticia and the best thing a parent can do for their child is show them that love is possible.
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It is important when choosing a partner with children to be seriously committed and be honest to all involved including ones self.Too many people fail in relationships leaving the children alone and feeling abandoned. Do your absolute best in working out problems before turning tail to run. Nice article!
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Girls must get sex education in grammar school and high school. They must also be taught the emotional, social, and financial CONSEQUENCES of getting pregnant – especially of having a baby when they\’re too young.
They must INSIST that guys use condoms – no matter how much guys resent it. They must carry condoms with them, because many guys don\’t.
They must learn that after a baby is born, MANY YEARS OF HARD WORK, STRESS, AND EXPENSES come next. The \”cute idea of having a baby\” is quickly gone.
If their man leaves soon after the baby is born – like many do – it is MUCH HARDER to attract a new man. It is AMAZING and CONCERNING that many attractive, sweet girls have babies when they\’re young, their men leave, and then they have trouble attracting men again. Especially look at Caribbean black girls and Latin girls – many have babies young, and then they can\’t get husbands after that. They\’re stuck with a baby and the probability of being single for life. DON\’T have babies when you\’re young and single.
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I will NOT date anyone that cannot accept my child. I was in a relationship with someone and noticed how distance and annoyed he seemed when my daughter was around. I could not kick him to the curb fast enough. While he is sitting outside with his things, my daughter will be in a nice warm home waving BUH-BYE to his behind!
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Great article, thanks for posting. Nice comments pleasure
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Good advice all around.
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Wow…… I don’t know where to begin.?!I am 40, single, never married, no children. I don’t date men with children, because it is a HUGE responsibility!!- regardless if the guy has custody or not. Single parents MUST think of their children’s needs FIRST- not their own. Sorry, but that’s one of the many sacrifices you made when you became a parent. I take a lot of criticism from single dads ( because I won’t date them ) and the fact of the matter is, I won’t because I’m unselfish; I realize that being a stepmother is just as important as being a Mother. The single dads are being selfish, by even considering a woman who is not 110% invested in raising their children as their own.
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Good article and excellent feedback… my thanks to all.
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great article on a touchy subject.
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I don t mind dating a man with kids. I think it s great. You can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his kids.
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Ok… Fala I was gonna tell you honestly that I have 130 kids… now that thats out of the way… can we date?…heeeeeeeeee.
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I am a single mother, so I would most definitely date a man with kids. However, I am not really looking for a father for my kids, or someone to help raise them, at least not at the moment. Maybe one day in the future.
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Wow, I know that would have to make dating even the more difficult (children).
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if you like somebody alot, it really shouldnt matter.
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Very true Fala….you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat children, the elderly, and pets. Not to get off topic.
Dating is hard enough, but I think the children need to be left out of it until the people involved are more sure of the seriousness of the relationship.
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It is ok if they 1 or 2 by the same person.
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That s a really good point Mossimo. No need to bring a parade of strangers past your kids if they re not going to be sticking around.
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thats even tough to deal with soul.
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I agree with mossimo and fala…and sometimes you may even wonder if things are “going a bit too well” when you look forward to seeing thier Kid(s) and their pets just as much as your girlfriend…!!!!
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Its hard to date when you are a single mother… especially when, if you’re anything like me, your picky about who watches your child. Since mine is only 4 1/2 months old, I dont go out at all. I refuse to stick my child with a babysitter, unless its my mom, and frankly I dont think I’m ready to jump back on that horse anytime soon anyway… LOL
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I think most of us would love to have a guy like our kids as much as they like us
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I have a child my self and life have to move on, even thou you have kids. But what is important when you are meeting someone that you have kids, alternavely seek a man/woman who want or have kids. To better your chances. t
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Very true justknowingu, good point!!
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Very true justknowingu, good point!!
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Wow. Things would have to be pretty far along for that to happen Just. Let s hope the kids and the pets look just as forward to seeing you too.
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I HAVE YET TO RUN INTO THIS KIND OF SITUATION.
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i hear you nicefella, i havent either.
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im sure you will one day nicefella.
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Thanks for the great article. Food for thought!!
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I wouldn’t have a problem dating a man with kids as I have them myself.
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Having a son that is 18 it is hard to date a man with smaller children. Let’s be real none of us want the other momma’s drama and also the fact that he probably is paying half his salary to that baby’s momma. I guess I never really understood the whole child support til he’s broke concept but that’s and entirely different subject.
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Interesting thoughts Krockwyo
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as a man that has a low sperm count and can not get a girl pregnant i find it easy to date and jump into a relationship with someone that has already got kids as there is no expectations of being with someone that wants kids and you can not give them to her and i am always willing to except them as my own
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This is a touchy subject and a well written article. I’m a single dad and can relate to dating with children. My son doesn’t meet just anyone. Actually, he’s only met two ladies I’ve started a relationship with.
As stated by others, why should you parade your dates in front of your children if they aren’t going to stick around? and/or do you really know if they want to stick around while doing so?
I don’t have any issues with my son’s mother, so I don’t have near the problems other dads do. It is hard enough to just meet someone and get along much less introduce children into the mix. All parents know our children come first. I think it’s a given that if the potential lady/man has no interest in your kid(s) then the relationship is probably at an end.
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