Is interracial dating "beyond race" or "anti-racist" dating?

Posted by Ria, 14 Aug 08

interracial-dating.jpg

Most people in interracial relationships fall in the category of seeing themselves as ‘beyond race’. Such people claim not ‘see’ color when they look at people. (Some special gift this one :lol: ) And remarks that follow - “I don’t even think of you as [White, Black, Mixed, Asian or whatever]�?

Quite sentimental huh? Well, I am sure I have blogged about ‘beyond race’ this … ‘beyond race’ that. But if you look at it deeply, when someone tells you they don’t see you as being say mixed race, much as it is beautiful, it kinda overlooks a huge facet of what makes you ‘YOU’. You may even begin behaving in a certain manner so that the other person suddenly doesn’t get a glimpse of color in you.

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Some people however, much as they say they see ‘beyond race’, they don’t really act it. They may keep making remarks about how lighter women are more beautiful and stuff. Kinda makes one think that their ‘seeing beyond color’ is like a way of being kind enough to overlook some handicap you have or something.

One lady is married to a man who doesn’t see himself as a ‘beyond race’ kind of guy, but as being an anti-racist who finds Black women beautiful and desirable. He doesn’t look past her skin but right at it, and says that it’s gorgeous! Some might mistake his preference for fetish. But she is happy to be with someone who likes her for who she is and doesn’t run away from that fact by branding it ‘beyond race’. She says, “I don’t have to wonder if he’d rather have my personality and interests repackaged in a white girl’s body.�?

Well, I think I like this ‘anti-racist’ term better. Makes a huge difference in describing interracial dating that involves White people. What’s your take on this?

38 responses to "Is interracial dating "beyond race" or "anti-racist" dating?"

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  1.   Wonka says:
    Posted: 06 Mar 10

    Wonka thinks it's OVERRATED dating,A Royal Rooters Rally Cry,OVERRATED,OVERRATED!!.

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  2.   Bellara says:
    Posted: 17 Nov 09

    thanks fkoi!and yes there is hope for all of us! :)

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  3.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    I loved the comment by Bellara on July 20th. She shows a great deal of insight, especially for one so young. Seeing but not judging. Great way to live. Maybe there is hope for all of us.

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  4.   Bellara says:
    Posted: 20 Jul 09

    Interracial dating is neither "beyond race" nor "anti-race", one word that sums it up is preference. I prefer dating outside my race because i think diversity is beautiful and sexy. It's my preference and there's no two ways about it. I don't believe when people say they don't see race they just see a person. We all see a person's race which is obviously how we choose if they are from the race we like to date. I see everyone's race but i NEVER judge/treat them based on that.

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  5.   Ben500 says:
    Posted: 17 Nov 08

    Hm...This is a somewhat interesting topic. I guess my answer would that, in terms of a relationship, color or race is HOW you love someone, not WHY. There was this girl I liked some years back, and we got along great. And she was Asian. As I see her as a person, her being any other race would not have altered my feelings for her. But i find Asian women especially beutiful, so it kind of enhanced the attraction I had.

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  6.   T says:
    Posted: 17 Nov 08

    Is anti-racist another word for fetish? Color-blind or color struck? I sense the mentality that if someone prefers or is exclusive to their own they are racist,as they "discriminate" against the other race who wants sex with them. But when someone is exclusive to another race and discriminates against their own at the behest of a physical racial fetish they are called anti-racist. Convienient term.

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  7.   briabria says:
    Posted: 10 Sep 08

    Hi Albanyga...we'll agree to disagree. that's beautiful about your son. however, i don't believe that makes him colorblind...it means (IMO) he's keener (sensitive) towards something other than race. if someone asks me, ohhhh bria did you see that pretty dress she had on? I'll say no. why? cuz her dress (shoes, nails, car, whatever) was not a big deal. Most likely her hair is what I'm more interested in. doesn't mean I'm 'dress blind'...it means my interests laid elsewhere...which is majority of the time-HAIR lol that's great race isn't a big deal to your son. and maybe had i grew up around other races at a young age, i'd focus on other dynamics as well. I still do not believe in 'color-blind', i just believe your son is keener (sensitive) to other dynamics of a person. I see anything wrong with noticing differences in each other. it makes for engaging coversations, as well learning acceptance of one's differences.

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  8. Posted: 01 Sep 08

    Sometimes interracial couples can seem like the most racially conscious people you can meet. Seems kind of ironic but very true in my experience.... Why is that? Any guesses?

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  9. Posted: 01 Sep 08

    There's a question at the end of this- what do you think? I used to not see color, even thought I know that sounds impossible. I was aware of racism, but never understood the concept. I always dealt with people as individuals- what they said and did- and never paid any attention to skin color. I never saw any personality trait good or bad that was exclusive to any group, so I looked down on people for saying racist things (I didn't make a lot of friends in Kentucky as a result, LOL) But a year and a half ago, something changed. When I looked back on my romantic trying to figure out why some relationships worked and others didn't, only then I realized a huge difference. Every single relationship that went wrong felt forced and ultimately ended badly was with white women, and all of my good relationships were with Black women and one Mexican woman. Since I finally realized, I made my decision to only date Black or Mexican women. Besides, I always preferred and felt drawn to Black women physically and emotionally. So does that make me racist, anti-racist, or beyond race?

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  10.   71James says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 08

    Interesting topic, and some intersting views. Me personally I can't say I'm color blind. If I'm attracted to a woman then obviously that includes the color of her skin as well as the shape of her figure, her smile, etc. One thing I noticed about most of the responses in this thread is that they are almost all focused on skin tone. Race to me involves so much more than just someones outward apearance. Each race, to one degree or another has varying cultures, customs and history. To me it seems selfish to say I dont see someones race. I think that takes away from that person an important part of who they are. Fetishes were mentioned in the begining of the thread. After talking with my lady I was surprised to realise she ran into the same thing I have in the past. People wanting to date outside their race simply out of curiosity, a one time thing, or just as an adventure. I don't want to be anyone's fetish, satisfy their curiosity and if I want an adventure I'll join the Navy. Respect and honesty are to me the two most important things in any relationship. Luckily I came across the profile of a very sexy lady. After making contact I was happy to find out her personality is just as beautifull as the rest of her. So far things are great, and I'm looking forward to what is still to come. I wish the rest of you as much luck as I have had.

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  11.   rensational says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 08

    I agree with a lot of comments in general, but two things I'd say that most people (not here anyway) probably wouldn't agree with: 1) I do think there's value in more of us coming out and expressing our views about interracial dating and why we like the races we do, mainly BECAUSE so many people are hostile about it and make assumptions. It's not that you owe these people explanations. But, for example, even though I'm interested in all races, being as educated as I am about race and social hierarchies, I still tend to see other interracial relationships and make negative assumptions. I know I'm not alone on that. I do it mainly because some couplings are more popular than others, so when I see those particular couplings I can't help but to feel like racism is tied into interracial dating a little too often (i.e. white men will date Asian and Latina women but not black women, etc). But this site and this discussion has helped me see that a lot of men do like all kinds of women, some particularly like black women, more people than I realized recognize that there's no such thing as "not seeing race" (I don't think the story about that woman's son necessarily means he's colorblind) and physical features associated with race may be what you find attractive. That helps me feel better as a black woman who watches all other kinds of women get snatched up while so many black women remain single, and I believe it'd help more people open their minds as far as interracial dating. It also helps me with something I've always felt about men who do prefer black women, i.e. I've always thought of them as being one of these three: 1) want to be black, 2) have a black fetish, and/or 3) only like black women if they somehow looked white (i.e. so many men have told me they prefer light or mixed black women). 2) I think we're all racist in the US to some degree. I just can't see any way that's not true; race is too important to just about everything in this country and its history. We can't escape racist ideas; we get racist messages every single day and we internalize some of them. I don't agree with the person who implied we're all more similar than different, and sometimes I have a problem with differences as most people do...but I also really value them and it's one reason why I do find people of various races attractive.

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  12.   saintjoseph says:
    Posted: 29 Aug 08

    I dont see color sentiment. To me its like saying I cant distinguish between night and day. I see color! I look for it and at this point wont settle for other than dark brown skin wrapped around a loving, intelligent, positive, fun loving, affectionate, stable woman with a sense of peace and diginity. Now on the subject of racism, I have to admit I am aware of the discomfort of those still ignorant of the fact of a common spirit and life force that animates all of us regardless of race. ==================================================== saintjoseph

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  13.   starthai says:
    Posted: 29 Aug 08

    Interesting topic.

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  14. Posted: 26 Aug 08

    Albanyga...your son is absolutely right, we all know this, but sometimes we have to have it called to aou attention before it really sinks in. Snow is white and nobdody's skin looks like that unless they're Lilly Munster; coal is black and few Americans have skin that color. While we all use the terms "black" and "white" because they're convenient, they're insidious because they manipulate our thinking. I never really realized this until I tried to date a black lady in church, and she rejected me, saying "We're opposite colors." Yes, black and white are opposites, so using those terms subconciously reinforces us to believe we are not just different, but totally different. But in reality, we're all the same color, we're all tan...some of us are light tan and some of us are dark tan or brown, but I prefer to see us as different shades of the same color rather than different colors. If everyone could see this as your son does, the world would be a better place.

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  15.   albanyga says:
    Posted: 26 Aug 08

    to respond to briabria I believe you can be color blind and my kids are living proof..My father is white my mom married him when I was two yrs old and he has raised me as his daughter nothing less..my kids have only known him as dada since the day they were born .Well to make a long story short I asked my 11yr old son do he have any white classmates this year he stated no..well I went to visited his class a week ago and found 10 white students later that day I said to him Vincent you do have white stundents in your class he replied mommy I do not at that time I relized that my son was color blinded I then told him that his best friend Jamie is white he stated no mom he is just light skin like dada ...so there is a such thing as color blind my son is prove

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  16.   pons67 says:
    Posted: 26 Aug 08

    I see race... skin color. What I cannot see is culture, nationality, customs or beliefs. Since about the age of 12 I have been attracted to black women (girls at that time). I traveled around the world upon graduating high school and enjoyed experiencing romance with women of all races and many cultures. Upon returning to the US as a young man, I experienced ridicule for the first time in regards to interracial dating. I agree that I am "anti-racist" in my general life philosophy; bucking against it in the work place and social settings. However, my dating choices do not reflect an agenda beyond the satisfaction of my internal personal desires and preferences. For a period of time, years, I tried "understand" my attraction to dark women. Despite my best attempts to uncover the depths of my preference I was left with the simple reality of "being"... it just is! Personally, I have never accepted the "I don't see color" sentiment. To me it's like saying I can't distinguish between night and day. I see color! I look for it and at this point won't settle for other than dark brown skin wrapped around a loving, intelligent, positive, fun loving, affectionate, stable woman with a sense of peace and diginity. Now on the subject of racism, I have to admit I am aware of the discomfort of those still ignorant of the fact of a common spirit and life force that animates all of us regardless of race. I enjoy the fact that my preference for a black woman challenges their sensibility. It is not an effort to end racism that drives my romantic choice, but through my personal authenticity the anti-racist statement is made in my community.

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  17.   ethereal99 says:
    Posted: 25 Aug 08

    I was thinking about this & decided that I see people as people when things are natural, normal & friendly. When people are one way, racist, suspicious or unfriendly, then I start to see color, whether white, black or whatever.

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  18. Posted: 25 Aug 08

    I have dated outside my race for 11 years. I appreciate beauty in all people, just like I appreciate fine wine, but I prefer white. When I order a glass of wine, I order white and to say "Oh, I didn't notice that glass of Chardonnay" is silly. There are qualities that a love about Black men and White men, but I have a strong attraction to the look of White men. I also feel more comfortable with and more of a connection to them. There is no political agenda here, it's pure chemistry. I will always love my brothers. But just like my preference for white wine over red, there is no need to explain. Everybody has their "thing".

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  19.   scaramouche says:
    Posted: 24 Aug 08

    why always bring in the race factor? Haven't we forgotten the bottom line of being with someone or wanting to be with someone for one good reason, namely love? Pidgeonholing a certain favouritism to a race is silly and out of context. To love across race is an often difficult path, as these couples will be ostricised for being "different", but if it works in the end, it's all worth it. When a woman has a beautiful smile, she is attractive regardless of race, and when she knows how to use her self confidence to win a man's heart, she is sexy, regardless of race. Women of various races become sexy in different ways, because some are gorgeous, some are attractive and some are just great, again regardless of race. It is all in the eye of the beholder, and colour is like taste, it's beyond discussion.

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  20.   Keke24 says:
    Posted: 24 Aug 08

    Personally I like attractive men. That means any man white or black , hispanic whatever that makes me turn my head. Now dating outside your race and telling people I do not see the color of the person is a lie. I know I am an African American Woman and If i date a man who is not black I will love the person for who they are but it is obvious they are not black. I think if you dont acknowledge the person physically im not really accepting the person.

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  21.   sky says:
    Posted: 21 Aug 08

    for me my attraction to blck women goes to their race dark skin sexy smiles and beautiful bodies are what turns me on.plus a sweet personality can take me far ina relationship.i dont say beyond race beacuse thats just not true it is their race i like and the physical and mental attriubutes that go with it.i think the perpetuation is that when we think were doing something beyond race the alternative is a negative racist attitude.well i never was a hateful person towards blck people. adn i only see it like a positive issue in look for in a partner beautiful body whte girls dont have.im not even really that attracted to white girls like that. sky

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  22.   animuluv says:
    Posted: 18 Aug 08

    i agree with most of the statements fom most of the ppl giving their veiws. wemon are just lovely no matter her skin type or color or nationality she is or her ethnic back ground.all my life ive been drawn to lovely beautifull black wemon,regardless of her size,if shes LOVELY to me,then she is JUST THAT=LOVELY.but i hope that most level headed decent ppl will veiw other races as NO DIFFERENT than anyone else.black wemon have always been more open and honest about things in their lives towards me,partly it is a visual thing with me,but the person as a whole means a lot to me also.but i can not help myself when i see a truely pretty beautiful black woman with her glowing skin and wonderful personality,i have to look at her and think to myself WOW IS SHE LUVLY.i agree with mistersuave1.

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  23.   andwhynot64 says:
    Posted: 17 Aug 08

    I think that it is impossible not to notice someones nationality. Its an intirely different story to be racist, when will this country stop with all the ideas that one person is better than the next based on there skin color?Personally, a black man's skin is a beautiful thing. Wouldnt want anything else!

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  24.   andwhynot64 says:
    Posted: 17 Aug 08

    I think that it is impossible not to notice someones nationality. But personally, a black man's skin is a beautiful thing. Wouldnt want anything else!

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  25.   briabria says:
    Posted: 17 Aug 08

    Why do we have to create yet ANOTHER label?? If people are involved in an interracial relationship...it would seem APPARENTLY obvious, they're anti-racists! As for people who say they're color blind...ur kidding right? why is it that when someone says they're 'color-blind' they're usually speaking to someone who isn't the same color as they are?! And why the need to say ur color-blind? Are u trying to prove something to the person ur talking to, or yourself??? There's nothing wrong with noticing the differences in our melanin. The wrongfulness is mistreatment due to the difference in our melanin.

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  26.   jeansnsilk says:
    Posted: 17 Aug 08

    I agree with laugh_sailor....there needs to be a better term than anti-racist...nonracial? unracial? interracial? Personally, I do see color as beautiful. And the interesting thing is that I don't have to explain why I am physically attracted to black men to anyone except the black men that I meet on the dating websites. But, if "he" is black, that is only the initial attraction. If he has no depth to him, then I'd prefer not to be with him. I say "black" because this is a primarily black dating site, but the same thing holds true for any race or ethnicity. Whatever the initial interest, there should be substance to back it up.

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  27.   aztimmy777 says:
    Posted: 17 Aug 08

    As a caucasian-male, I have really began to notice or realize how much more I find black-women to be so much more attractive, sexy, classy and dress much better!!! And yes; I do find that the darker skin and hair to be such a turn-on as of now!!! I find they're personalities to be way more outgoing and straight-forward. I first noticed this working at a bar/nightclub in Minneapolis a few years back. Recently, I have began going to a mostly all black nightclub and have noticed how so many black women have "hit" on me as compared to how little caucasian-women have hit on me in recent years eventhough I have always been told I am a good-looking guy.... This has been a really a great experience! I really don't care to ever date another white-women ever again and I just don't find many white-women to be all that attrative as compared to black-women. If I was 21 years old all over again, I would never waste a single minute trying to date a white-women! So yes, I do notice color right away; and for the better. I like what I see!!!

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  28.   diamondess says:
    Posted: 17 Aug 08

    I agree with MichealMN that our choices in dating has a lot to do with the physical beauty and features of the person. People should feel free to date whatever race they choose or are attracted to without having to justify those choices to anyone. When I say I want to date a white guy, why should I have to explain to white or black why I feel that way. When I say I want to date a black guy, no one white or black asks any questions. I'm sexually attracted to the beautiful white skin I see in the Caucasian race - yes I do see color. That's exactly what got my attention; but beyound that, what I like in a man is the same without regards to race. Anti-racist dating is not a term well-suited to anything to do with dating, love, romance, etc. I don't like that choice of words to describe something as beautiful as dating.

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  29.   Sweetme41 says:
    Posted: 16 Aug 08

    Speaking from the view point of a "black woman" as society views me I must say that I'm attracted to a variety of men but I prefer white males due to a stronger physical and cultural attraction that I have for them vice versa. This has nothing to do with anti-racism it's just my ability to appreciate another individual's compatibilities and the attraction within our cultural similarities and differences. Over the years I've found that I'm most comfortable when I'm in an interracial relationship. Like the married woman above mentioned-It is an extra perk to know that some men are most attracted to my ethnic heritage as well but it's not necessary as long as he likes me. As human beings we all have a choice as to what we like and don't like-But sometimes other factors determine what we like the most. I'm not too keen on the term "Anti-racism" because I'm not trying to make any type of political stance. How about "Attraction beyond the Surface"-lol.

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  30.   minosa says:
    Posted: 16 Aug 08

    This is a very beautiful topic as we can compare our liking of one another to our food choices which change again with culture, age, heck even time of day. Eventough I choose to be open to all races and to find the special friend in any etnicity I still am tempted to pay more attention to the chocolate and coffee pictures I scan these differently and discovers that to me there is nothing sexier than the dark atletic type. The choosen term is not correct as we are not against anything but for unity and freedom of choice to love and desire who we want no matter the package. Just window shopping on this site makes you feel good to me able to have a full scope of preferences available

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  31.   glo08 says:
    Posted: 16 Aug 08

    I think to just love the person you are attractive too regardless of skin tone is where we are speaking from and standing for here. I have been on all black sites so I thought and there were Caucasians there trying to explain why the prefer African Americans over European Americans. Why should we have to justify our likes? I don't like the names we attach for humans finding one another attractive. Back to the site episode, most of my contacts were Caucasians, go figure. I was told once that there is a chemical in us that draws the right person, no matter the skin color, so if this be the case, we have no option than to follow his or her scent..lol God bless > Gloria

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  32.   cocogypsy says:
    Posted: 15 Aug 08

    I agree that you can perfer a certain race because of the physical attributes that comes with that race, but at the same time it can also be because of the culture and personality traits that tend to be associated with them, therefore by sayin anti-racist the shoe might not completely fit. Lol sorry if anythings mispelled my spellin can be horrible :>

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  33.   dollymop says:
    Posted: 15 Aug 08

    I am attracted to women of all types,each ethnicity brings something special to the table,if a person wants to leave out a particular type then its his loss.There is a different look to a black woman that isn't there w/ white/ asian women that I am attracted to,when I say look, I don't mean just physical appearence, I mean how they carry themselves,so I'm gonna leave it at that and hope I haven't offended anyone, Tony(dollymop)

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  34. Posted: 15 Aug 08

    I agree with laugh_sailor regarding the conotations of the term 'anti-racist'. I wouldn't like someone to think I was making some kind of political statement by dating a black women, which is how that term comes across, I'd just like people to realise that I'm with her because I find her beautiful, full stop. Also, aren't most right-thinking people 'anti-racist'? It doesn't really differentiate people who prefer to date outside their own race much, does it? ... In fact, let's just settle for not pigeonholing me and don't call me anything in particular. Is that ok? lol

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  35. Posted: 15 Aug 08

    Really quite beautifully stated, MichaelMN! There's so much wisdom in the Old Bard's works. I also agree with walker331. We see the people regardless of the skin they are in. We also appreciate and are drawn to the beauties of another race, in some ways perhaps even more so because we see it from a fresh point of view and there are . I don't like the term "anti-racist" as it's heavily loaded with negativity and hate. Find a positive term of appreciation and I'll gladly support that.

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  36.   walker331 says:
    Posted: 15 Aug 08

    I am like your anti racist guy. I find black women to be very sexy and beautiful. I have always had a thing for women with darker skin or complections. To me their skin has a very beautiful glow to it and it's hard not to see that. Every woman is different and there are differences between womens personalities regardless of whether they are black or white or asian or martian (lol). So when I am asked why I date black women my answer is always that it is a visual thing and I find them to be very sexy and beautiful. Tim

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  37.   MichaelMN says:
    Posted: 14 Aug 08

    Yes. I believe that one possible reason that those of us who prefer a member of another race other than our own is an appreciation of the physical beauty of their physical features. But, physical features alone do not a relationship make. It is like philosophies and values that form the foundation for a real, lasting and loving relationship. We are far more alike than not - no matter our physical attributes. Shakespeare's says it best in his "Merchant of Venice" "If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?" When we understand that we are far more alike than not, race will become a distant issue.

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  38.   vermontlady says:
    Posted: 14 Aug 08

    I think I like the term anti-racist dating too. It is impossible not to notice someone's race, just like it would be impossible not to notice their hair color or other physical attributes. Lots of people have a preference for what they think is particularly attractive, i.e. they might prefer redheads. So race, to me, is just another physical attribute. It is not the most important part of a person (although, yes, in our society it does play a huge role in creating your identity.) I could fall in love or be friends with someone of any race. However, I happen to find the "look" of people of African descent very beautiful, and happen to find black men very sexy! So, sure, I could and often have "fallen" for a white guy, but dark skin ups the chemistry level for me. I have to admit that I also enjoy breaking some of the boundaries in our society that should not exist. So-yeah-put me in the anti-race category!

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