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Is the "good black male scarcity" myth hurting the good black men?

Posted by James, 23 Nov

"We all know there aren’t good black men out there," shrugged some guy. Apparently he has all the qualities every woman wants in a man; he is the full package – good-looking, educated, motivational speaker, Amazon’s best selling author. Problem is: He believes he has been "pulling quality women" lately, not because he has a lot to offer but like he said it: "I don’t know if it’s the fact that there are no good black men or what… It’s crazy!"

Yes it is! Crazy that this guy is selling himself short. Crazy that he doesn't believe he deserves the "quality" women. Crazy of him to think the women are just settling for him because of "the scarcity".

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Myths. Words truly can screw up with a person's psyche. We have heard of black women bleaching themselves and their kids and straightening their hair in a bid to conform with the stereotypical "standards of beauty" that the media has been shoving in our faces. But never in my mind had it ever occurred to me that this scarcity of black men myth has the power to screw up with the psyche of even the perfect black man.

We have surrounded the "scarcity" issues with black women... that it only affects them. But looking at our perfect man above, its a sad picture. Could this myth be the reason most black men can't form or keep healthy lasting relationships? Could this myth be the reason for the "scarcity". Are black men subconsciously living the myth?

We keep singing about this scarcity of good Black men while in Africa, women are willing to share one man. Seems to me, if a woman is willing to share his man with other women in the name of polygamy, then maybe the man has got enough love and enough goodness to go around; don't you think?

Relationship writer Patia Brainthwaite shows how this myth can negatively affect relationships in 6 ways:

"1. Successful black men have their guard up: If you assume that I’m only interested because you “fit the mold” or “look good on paper,” than there’s no way you can take me seriously. You are looking for me to show my hand, confirm your suspicion that I’m just hollering because of your salary or your job title. You can’t connect with someone you are building a case against.

2. Successful black men underestimate the intangibles: In another life, I am a poet. Chances are, if I’m into you, it’s because you are weird. You watch Basketball Wives with me on the low, you sing Coldplay songs to me, or maybe you were fat in the twelfth grade. Yes, the dude at happy hour that dons the scrubs or the suit is sexy, but the guy inside the suit – the one who secretly wears the same socks twice in a row is the person I’m in love with. The tangibles — titles and comas and tax brackets — aren’t everything. The man at the core, imperfect and a little strange, is everything. Don’t underestimate the intangibles – everything else can be blown away with a strong enough wind.

3. Successful black men have less patience for me women bullshit:"

[Read more in her article: "6 Ways the Black Male Scarcity Myth Hurts Men"]

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27 responses to "Is the "good black male scarcity" myth hurting the good black men?"

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  1.   PinkVelvet81 says:
    Posted: 10 Dec 12

    I agree it is hurting good black men but I am not interested in black men anyway.

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    • juslookin says:
      Posted: 13 Dec 12

      Good. All this blog has proven is that the only real woman for a good black man is a woman of another race . African American women do not believe in us ! News flash . We black men dont care. Most black women dont bring anything worth having especiallyto a man that is ALREADY SUCCESSFUL ! At the end of the day we are all black and white folks look at you the same way they look at me. Black women , you are not better than the black man !

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      • reese says:
        Posted: 17 Dec 12

        Why are you so upset she said she doesn't date black men. Black men say it all the time. This is a ir website so most people on here want to date ir including you are you misunderstood the website.

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  2.   sassilicious says:
    Posted: 09 Dec 12

    Ladies it dont matter what color the man is..there are losers in every race. Trust me white men are shalliw. They will beat you, cheat on you, and lie also. Ive experienced all this. So there is no reason to put a black man in a certain category cuz there are good and bad in all races!!!

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  3.   kevslice says:
    Posted: 03 Dec 12

    I don't know about other black men, I can only speak for myself, and a few others that I'm very close to. I've never let society dictate to me what I'm supposed to be. I've always been my own man. My success and failures have been because of me. Now life has thrown me a few curves from time to time, but that's just life, we all have to deal with that. And I'll admit, I sometimes wonder, with my education, a clean criminal record, hard working attitude, why aren't I more successful in life. But I've travel over halfway around the world, have seen things that you've only read about. Jut not happy where I'm at right now in life. But I do and will always stay positive, and not put the blame on anyone else. Thanks, for listening, Kevin, from Columbus, Ohio.

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  4.   S.Combs says:
    Posted: 02 Dec 12

    I also believe in Mlk, and other brothers who fought long and hard to make us equals in these united states, so that wr can choose what race, creed, or color of the man or woman we may want, made us equalls not to stop believing in our own, not to be hateful towards myself or abandon the truth that set us free to begin with. If i marry a white, brown, asian, or whatever it will be because i saw something in her heart. Not because i hate my women. I remember my mom told me to treat my things the way i wanted others to treat it. She also told me when i have guess nake them respect my house. If we dont respect eachother, why should anyother. Love who you love. Dont do it outta hate for another, or lost of faith. When hope and faith in us is gone, thats it. We good is the freedom if it will cost us our souls. That means our ancestora fought for nothing. Step away from the tree and look at the woods and realize the favt that WE SPEAK MORE ILL TOWARDS EACHOTHER THAN ANY OTHER RACE. Speak good about yourself.

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  5.   S.Combs says:
    Posted: 02 Dec 12

    Lol. Wow. Reading the comments is like being in the forest, standing to close to the tree and passing judgement on everything going on in the woods. Im not racist. I love strong women. Somewhat mouthy. Ive dated Italian, puerto rican, and blacc. I dont know i guess mental stimulation drives me more than anything. I believe you if you look for love based on skin color you already mentally brainwashed yourself and cannot truly love the next only in seeking vengeance from the other. I hate hearing brothers talk shit all day about sista as much as i hate hearing sistas speak ill against brothers. Theres power in the tongue. We ourselfs promote, advertise, and tear eachother down all day everyday. Redundant in every speech. If youve heard one youve heard them all. What i never hear, positive talk. This world aint so thrown into hell that we cant remember and boast about the good blacc woman or man we once knew. :-). I'll be the first to try it, What I Love About My Sistas Is, their determination. I will never forget Rosa parks, or the love of Harriett Tubman. I believe if a time was to ever come again ( God forbid) sistas will show just how powerful their love is yes i believe in you.

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  6.   re says:
    Posted: 29 Nov 12

    I think the myth does hurt black men and women who believe it. If you think there are no good black men or men period. i think you do not do use good standards to find and discriminate against bad ones because you think they are all bad. There should be certain criteria that you look for in all men period. and men will or won't fit the bill. No matter what his race is.

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  7.   HappySoLucky says:
    Posted: 28 Nov 12

    LOL Good men don't have to state they are good, lol!! Look around. Basically 2/3 of BM have failed their community, kids, etc. They don't police nor mentor the younger BM. Don't protect the women 1/3 of BM are so called good. But the rest? LOL Good men don't have to state they are good. As for me I date character not race, period. All skin folks ain't kin folks. Good luck with that, ladies, LOL!

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    • arlandf says:
      Posted: 08 Dec 12

      However, black women do that all the time. These specials about "I can't find a good black man", that come on NBC, ABC, and CNN speaks for themselves. They talk about how good they are, but you never hear about the other side of the story.

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      • reese says:
        Posted: 17 Dec 12

        That is not downgrading black men. You do know that black women greatly outnumber black men. Even if all black men were good and with a black women there would still be a shortage. I think they are just stating the fact as they see it.

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    • angieELM89 says:
      Posted: 12 Dec 12

      well said! Its not about the color because an Asian man can belittle you the same way that a black man can. Exploring and being open has worked in my favor but I will forever love black and all the rest.

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  8.   BlkNTexas says:
    Posted: 26 Nov 12

    Absolutely true and timely. The so called scarcity of "good black men" is just the continuation of the disinformation war bus against us that so many so called supportive sisters have hopped on. Not all knights in shining armor are white riding to the rescue on a white horse to save the day, right wrongs, slay dragons and save the world in one day! But I will cut to the chase and put it right here on the table something that to the point illustrates the great divide between us. Be it bleaching skin, straightening hair or the unspoken biggie shopping for the brother or White dude with the RIGHT SKIN TONE so you have a good looking son or daughter when you add that on to the 6 ft long laundry list that black men must have, is there any wonder brothers are just a bit confused just where our place is? Don't believe the hype and turn this around, we are the ones facing a scarcity! Think about it, there is a trickle down affect. My own 15 year old daughter called me just the other day asking why so many black men were BAD dads, husbands etc. Surprised I asked and how and when did she come to this conclusion? She then stated her friends mom and girlfriends were talking about it and that young black girls should already prep for a life with a white boy or man! WOW who peddles this to their own kids and other kids? For you sisters who just conclude it's all about the white trophy wife, trophies also come in different sizes and shapes if you're really paying attention! It comes down to this, being with someone who truly is a partner or someone who is the Burger King wife (gotta have it your way every day). As long as that thought process continues.... From a never incarcerated, college educated, not the father of 6 or 12 by 6 or 12 different women nor have been on Maury Povich Texas Brother. Don't fall for the "men bad women good syndrome!"

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    • reese says:
      Posted: 29 Nov 12

      I like alot of what you said, but you guys act like black women are going for white men in droves. And that might be true about a few black women, but most black women aren't interested in dating outside the race. On here yes because it is an ir dating site.

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  9.   jaypea says:
    Posted: 26 Nov 12

    The myth only hurts you if you let it.It doesnt bother me because i know who i am, i keep a job done so every since i was 14rs old so i have everything a man is susposed to have.My opinion is if you are a good man regardless of race you'll attract a good woman.

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  10.   majicman1969 says:
    Posted: 25 Nov 12

    Divannurse, I have to say one thing. If you want to date a white man, go right ahead, but please don't used that excuse. You say black men want white women. Guess what? Black woman want white man. I once dated a black woman where everything had to be her way (100%). It goes both ways. How can you love black men? Your comments says. differently. We are the only group of people who have no problem putting ourselves down. All I ask is not to use that excuses, if you want a white man, date one. Guess what? Good black men including myself are out there, but woman watch entertainment and see white men riding on that white horse, coming in to save the day and women love that. Some of US actually have no baby mama crap, some of US actually graduated from college, not on the down low, not all of US have 6 kids with 6 mothers and we have good paying jobs. Guess what? Not all white men are so called prefect. They will treat you like crap to.

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  11.   Divanurse11 says:
    Posted: 25 Nov 12

    Sorry I know I didn't stick with the Black man scarcity topic.

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  12.   Divanurse11 says:
    Posted: 25 Nov 12

    Look black men! Your black sistas will always have love for you. We want you to achieve great things and some of us want to share the success with you. But in some cities you guys aren't checking for us. So we have to go where the love is. I have three brothers and they all date white girls- some I love. I absolutely love my nephews and nieces they have produce. My brothers tell me blacks girls have big mouths. This means we don't put up with their bullshit. I feel sorry for the way my brothers treat some of the girls. Some bros really love white women, some date them cause it easier- they want submissive women that they can control. Black men, it is true we have lost our way some what. We don't make you feel like men and we do sometimes have too much pride. But we black women have endured a lot. So this protective mechanism has caused us to be hard on you. We do hold you to high standards- the same that we strive for. But please stop being so defensive thinking we are gold diggers. It's not fair for you to lay up with us while we hold things down and then when your successful you leave us behind. Guess what? A white woman will take your money too. I love you and always will because no one has swag like you do. But I'm too exhausted to stroke your ego. I need a white man- no drama. You know what? I see your point- sorry. Yes, I think white guys have less drama and it is nothing more sexier than a white man with a black woman.

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    • arlandf says:
      Posted: 26 Nov 12

      Exactly, what does your rant has to do with the topic? Always have loved us? Really? I find this ironic because ya'll are the ones that throw us under the bus every chance you get. When it comes to achieving success, you don't even support us. I am in college right now, there isn't a black woman that is trying to help me achieve my goals. When I was working a full time job and struggling to keep it, they worked against me and caused a major downfall, that will take years to recover. Now let me elude to something. Like I said before, black men are driven by what people, especially what women think of them. They need to break out of that thinking. They are told by the racist media that they are no good, they are criminals, they are lazy etc. Black women joined along by saying black men ain't ish, black men are deadbeats, black men are on the down low and other ridiculous lies. In addition, these comments came from the bad decisions that black women made such as choosing bums over nice men, getting knocked up by losers, and sleeping with men that spent time in jail knowing that they sleep with other men. This is why black men have to prove that they are good men. However, this is not doing them any justice. When they are good men, many black women will turn the down for being too nice. They don't get credit for it. Finally, when they do bad, they internalize their failure and believe that they are no good because that is what they heard all their lives. This is why this myth is hurting us. It is hurting us because we have to prove ourselves to people that don't believe in us in the first place. With all that said, how can you love us when people like you are constantly working against us? That is not love. Yes, get a white man. I told women on this page with this " I'm getting a white man" agenda that you are not for me anyways. I am trying to get back to glory, and I rather have a woman of another race, who is loyal, to ride with me than a black woman, who is disloyal, to keep me at the bottom of the totem pole. I haven't written black women off, however I wouldn't limit myself to them.

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      • reese says:
        Posted: 29 Nov 12

        But your experience isn't what always happens, Black women are more likely to date and marry a black man who has less than her. We are the only race that does that. And black men also throw us under the bus just as much if not more. And the same thing could be said for all the black men who say no good sisters when they are using the wrong standards as well. I do think the myth hurts good brothers because they won't be considered or the women they are dating might be seeing everything they do with mistrust and jumpinng to the wrong conclusions. But the same thing happens with anyone else they stereotype not the least being black women. But I always think it is there lost.

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        • arlandf says:
          Posted: 08 Dec 12

          I guess you miss the boat because women in general is now making more and getting more than men. So it is not just black people. The difference is other races of women still respect their men and black women don't.

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          • reese says:
            Posted: 13 Dec 12

            No, I think you miss the point. Black women marrying their male counterparts making less more than anybody. And their marriages with black men/black women are more successful than black men marrying outside the race. The reverse is not true.

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      • vero27 says:
        Posted: 17 Dec 12

        Your last paragraph I must conquer, I guess experiences allow us to reevaluate and approach things differently. I guess you do have loyal, focused black men but that chance I am not willing to ascertain, well at least not again. If you believe white women are drama free, go for yours, also remember that the black woman too have that choice to date across cultures if in her views she will find outstanding qualities that she believes the black man does not possess. Cheers Mate

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      • MalcolmFR says:
        Posted: 22 Dec 12

        Well, to be loved you also need to deserve it. I am shocked that the cliches brought by the Gansta Rap music are so popular among teenagers. You cannot tell that their video clips and speech value women and BW in particular. There is still prejudice for BM today but there is even more for BW. Where are the great black men who fought for the civil rights and made possible the election of a half-black president? Where are the WEB Du Bois, the Frederick Douglas? Black men, please don't act as victims, you have your fate in your hands. There are other options than material achievements through sports and bling bling music. A multiracial frenchman proud to be born of a black caribbean mother

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  13.   arlandf says:
    Posted: 23 Nov 12

    Absolutely true. Black men in America is driven by what people think about them, especially women. If they have failure, they will internalize their failures. How I know? I use the be that way. I got caught up trying to please people that didn't believe in me in the first place. Here is my thing for the black men (non-black men are welcome to read too). If a woman say that "there aren't any good black men out there." nine time out of ten, she isn't good herself. Many of them that say this have baggage, whorish past, and child(ren) out of wedlock, looking for a man to clean up her mess (Captain Save-A-Hoe). They never believe in men like you to begin with. They were the one who rejected you for because you was the "good black man". They rejected you because you didn't have swag, money, etc. Now they are looking for you because they see you as a last option. Another thing about women that say "they can't find a good man" is that they have unrealistic and shallow standards. They will either can't meet them themselves or get threatened when they see someone that don't have what they have (mainly a degree or decent paying job) but you still manage the speak the level in intellect that they supposedly have. These are the women that will say "you are not on their level", but they work in a managerial position and fail to realize that they have the same fate of a manager at McDonald's. Also, if you don't have a degree or a degree less than them and you sound like you have sense, they will be threatened by you. They feel threatened because they feel that they have an education so they believe that you should feel inferior to them. This is why they settle for loser men, then say there is not good men and with men, we have to become something to remain in their favor. In conclusion, black men, we need to stop being driven by what women think of us. I know James mention women in Africa and the thing is that they are competing for the men. For them to win the game, they know they have to be good women and they don't need a degree, good paying jobs, material possessions, or good looks to do it. Those men has their stuff together and care less what women think of them. When women recognize that you have something that you have something going on, they will either follow or fade away, Don't try to impress people that don't think too highly of you. Also, know who you are and where you came from. I know I can be long, but when I read these articles, I have a lot on my mind. BTW, Nice article James. I love your work. Keep it up.

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    • Robby2u says:
      Posted: 02 Dec 12

      arlandf -- I will say to you that I agree with what you are saying because Im a acting advocate for black males. many black females are playing games with the future of black males by their words and action. I understand that we in some degree controls our own destiny but when you are part of a unforgiving system that incarsarates young black males base upon what our women are saying about us, whether its in a false domestic violance case or in child support court where the black female lies to the court in oder to gain the winning hand to get more money than she deserve. As for the dating arena Im a RA in the medical world and I ask a single black RN female out just for lunch date and she said we will see. Its has been over three months now and all she had to say was no thank you. Then she over heard me and another RN in conversation on a topic such as this one; she said to me that she did not know black males feel that way about black women. I was saying things like black women need to take time out to get to know the men that they reject due to the type of job they have or the amount of money they make. More so the things that other females has said about him that may have caused him to be in such a bad financial place in life. Last but not least; My black sistas please get away from trying to find the bad boys or the rapper look a likes.

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