Keeping secrets: should it be a deal breaker?

Posted by Ria, 21 Apr 10

Some time back, I posted the article “Should you keep secrets from your partner?” Well this prompted one of the blog readers to post a question about what is going through in her life. Kindly have a read and help.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 2 years. He asked me everything about my life… and I told him coz I don’t wanna keep secrets from him. When I asked him about himself - if he's ever been married – his answer has always been “NO”. He said he has a kid with his ex-girlfriend but they were not married. I have trusted him for 2 years. Few days back, his ex called. I felt that there was something wrong behind the calls… and I was right! He confessed that he was married when he was 20 years old but they broke-up in 2007. It hurts me so much…. Is it a right decision to break up with him for keeping secrets all these years? Please help me!

Well, there you have it. I think everyone has secrets and some of us keep these secrets because we don't know how the other person would react if they found out ‘such stuff’ about us. Some of us lie thinking that our lies might save our relationships. Some lie because the truth might hurt the other person real bad. Problem is, the truth has a way of finding our a**es and biting them.

I don’t know whether this dude and the ex are officially divorced or just went their separate ways. What I would do is probably find out why he lied in the first place and why the ex suddenly decided to start calling. I think there is more to the lies than just him being married before. Those answers will somehow assist you in making the decision.

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Keeping that secret may not necessarily be a deal breaker but the motive behind keeping the secret may be. What do the rest of you feel?

12 responses to "Keeping secrets: should it be a deal breaker?"

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  1.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 08 May 10

    While shopping at WalMart in separate depts , a couple told my wife a nasty Rumor about me . At the time she said nothing to me about this and did not point out these people to me . Months later she mentioned this in open conversation , what was said . After discussing this she said " they were attempting to break us apart , weren't they ? " I know knot who they were at this time / alas failure to tell me at the time the Rumor was said - is a secret by omission / Knot allowing me to openly confront them . Win some Lose some / May God Bless their asses , if once they were in Walmart they will be seen again bye her and pointed out to me - Next time . Hurt my feelings once is their fault and hurt my feelings twice will be " My Fault " if I do knot Correct it Immeadiately, Hehe . Time will cure all things / and that is all I have left in life is Time . Everything comes to Those that wait .

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  2.   rarestgold says:
    Posted: 07 May 10

    Trust - once you lose it there is no getting it back. @Phillip76 to answer your question - if you're not okay with it then you did tell a lie. If you can't be honest with yourself how can you expect someone else to be honest with you? Maybe he/she should consider not asking questions they don't really want to know the answer to.

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  3.   maxhb says:
    Posted: 26 Apr 10

    its understandable, that people need time to trust each other and get to know each other before you know whether they will throw things back in your face that you told them in trust. Its very painful to have this happen, so trust comes a little slower for me , then I share all.

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  4.   ymi4u says:
    Posted: 26 Apr 10

    Without a doubt, trust is the foundation of any relationship. Unanswered questions and lies will bring it all tumbling down once they're exposed. Anyone in a reltionship must always act in a trustworthy manner.

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  5.   Phillip76 says:
    Posted: 25 Apr 10

    It's a definite deal breaker for me, how can you ask someone to be completely honest with you and then lie to them. I've studied and done research on relationships and found that most older couples that have been together for the decades give the fact that they are honest with each as the main reason that they're still together. However I would like to post a related question, let's say you're in a relationship and you can sense something is wrong and you tell your partner that whatever it is, if they tell the truth that you would be ok with whatever it is as long as it was the truth. and your partner agrees and admits to cheating on you with someone else. Can you really be ok with that after telling them you would? and if you're not ok with it, did you just tell them a lie?

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  6.   sweetroses says:
    Posted: 24 Apr 10

    Hi, men and women keep secrets all the time I dont think a person should open up and tell the person thier with every details about them if only one of them is shareing and telling their partner everything about their past and present and the other person is not willing to open up and share, if a person is being distance in a relationship that they invested into for several years then I would wonder if their are secrets like something they are hideing from each other. It's better to be honest with each other when your dateing rather than later on you find out about a lie that makes things complicated. Because when you are dateing there is no attachments yet so they can decide if it's the right situation to get involved into, also they should respect each other privacy about what to tell each other if it's too soon someone might get their feelings hurt, it is never good to play upon someones emotions, peace.

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  7.   Bellara says:
    Posted: 24 Apr 10

    thanks Jenna ;)

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  8.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 23 Apr 10

    Gemini - Twins all in one , Hehe and who cares what I done / I am still here doin' Been There Done That , what you see is Me

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  9.   jenna says:
    Posted: 22 Apr 10

    I totally agree with you Bellara! Right on point you are ,there is nothing else left to be said on that subject!

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  10.   only_otter says:
    Posted: 22 Apr 10

    Maried b4 and not telling would be a big deal breaker for me. If I can't trust you in telling me that, I can't trust you with the everyday things, like, cheating.If I ask you, tell me, if I don't then I don't want to know or I don't thing it's a big deal.I'm not saying that you need to tell me how many times you go to the bathroom in a day as apposed to If you were married or not. Big difference.

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  11.   xxhale says:
    Posted: 22 Apr 10

    My ex was also doing that, he knew all there was to know about me....the good and the bad, but no matter how many times I asked him to tell the truth about certain things, he still continued to lie (even we both knew he was lying). As he later said "he had to keep lying to cover up the first lie", his lying was killing our relationship to the point that I began loosing all love, and maybe even respect for him and started to lie to him also...something I don't usually do....I finally called it quits about a month ago, and feel happier and more free than I have been in the years of our relationship. It reminds me very much of the old "tale": A scorpion asked a frog to take him over the river, the frog said, "no, why should I trust you, you're a scorpion, you'll sting me" the scorpion replied, " I won't do it, you can trust me". The frog though about it, and after awhile decided to trust the scorpion. Half way across the river, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog asks "why did you do that, now we'll both die" the scorpion replied "I can't help it, it's my nature". Parable of the story, once a liar....always a liar, BUT, I'm not saying that this applies to all men and women. This story really makes me "think" about it as my ex is born under the starsign scorpion...LOL. So, a question to you scorpion born out there....Are you really like the one in the story as well as my ex...that you can't be trusted, or are there exceptions? As I don't believe in casting "good and bad apples" in one basket.

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  12.   Bellara says:
    Posted: 22 Apr 10

    Yes! You can't possibly share all your secrets but you should share any information that can help or even break your relationship. Wise people learn from their mistakes, so if you both share your mistakes, you learn & grow from them (if you were meant to be together), if you weren't meant to be, things will go the other way. There are things you should keep to yourself because even after you get married & become "one", the fact still remains that we all have things which makes us different and unique individuals. You don't wanna hide things that could possibly hurt your relationship especially after being together for so many years. Some secrets should be shared right away, some should be shared after the trust has been established, most should be shared before getting married while those little secrets that are of no use to either party should be left alone. ***Claiming you didn't bring it up because you were afraid the other person will leave is nonsensical, selfish & plain-ole stupid because what makes you think that if it comes up years later, the person wont leave if they want to leave*** And I totally agree with the writer's last statement, sometimes a secret might seem like the smallest & most meaningless thing in the world (that might be true) but what hurts isn't always the secret itself but the motive...why?

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