Learning about love entails rejection
Has someone ever dumped you outright and you kept thinking ‘What an awful person’? Well here is the thing … if you sit to think about it, such people are actually not that awful.
We dumpees (especially when the act of being dumped has just taken place) forget the fact that everyone has a right to love who they want to. And to add salt to our wounded hearts, a person has a right to NOT know precisely why he or she suddenly don’t like you.
See, the thing is, nearly everyone who’s been shown the door seeks an answer … something that will make the whole dumping process make a lil’ sense. Well sorry to stab holes in the entire foundation of academic thought; not every question has an answer.
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When in college, we are usually given some little guides on how to date, how to avoid date rape and stuff like that. But sad enough, we never get a guide on the emotional consequences of dating. Once, I spent an hour on phone with an ‘awful’ friend of mine who was dealing with the consequences of turning down a guy who had asked her out. No, he was not stalking her. No, he was not throwing rotten eggs through her window. He was just hurt. And so was she.
Well that one hour of telephone therapy didn’t make my friend feel any better. But I have been there on both ends … done lots of crushing … and I have gotten pretty crushed – it was like I was paying for all the crushing I had done. Much as it is far worse to be on the receiving end, neither is pleasant at all.
But if you think of it, these are scars we accrue along our journeys. They are the NECESSARY scars of growing up. And it doesn’t matter the age at which you started accruing a list of so-called emotional 'crimes' done to us, and by us, but you gotta admit; that list helps make us who we are. We learn the hard way.
Much as learning about love requires rejection, this isn’t to say that the dumper has been absolved from the obligation to be as kind as possible. Having someone's heart in your hands is an incredible responsibility. And much as there is no way to avoid hurting someone, there are ways to NOT be a jerk about it.
And on the other hand those of us that get dumped aren’t deficient in any way. Unlucky? ... Perhaps. Hurt? … Certainly! Best thing is not to get angry at a puzzle pieces that don’t fit into one another. It’s just the WRONG piece … not a BAD piece. Being rejected over and over is kinda like falling off a bike … before you know it, it hurts less and it gets easier to get back on. It reaches a point when you realize that anyone who doesn't appreciate you probably wouldn't be a good match for you anyway.
Again, it's all easy enough to write, but I doubt it's of much comfort. But this is the best comfort I could come up with for anyone hurting. But as per my own experience, I know that more dumps you give and receive, the more relationships you experience, the better you get at this crazy system.
Don’t you sometimes long for that frenetic college-time . . . or give thanks to college for all the experiences? The more people you date, the more you know what you want in a relationship. That’s why college is there … to better us for the ‘real’ dating world.
We are so used to getting things prepackaged in America, and Hollywood leads us to expect relationships are the same way. Well, too bad. Love is the one thing that is a true democratizer - rich, poor, pampered, deprived, we all have to work our butts off and deal with the hardship before we even come close to getting what makes us happy.
Relationships are tough, and we're going to fail along the way. Everybody does and everybody hurts. But trust me, hurting the kind of learning experience you will never get in a classroom.
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