Learning about love entails rejection

Posted by Ria, 17 Mar 08

Has someone ever dumped you outright and you kept thinking ‘What an awful person’? Well here is the thing … if you sit to think about it, such people are actually not that awful.

We dumpees (especially when the act of being dumped has just taken place) forget the fact that everyone has a right to love who they want to. And to add salt to our wounded hearts, a person has a right to NOT know precisely why he or she suddenly don’t like you.

See, the thing is, nearly everyone who’s been shown the door seeks an answer … something that will make the whole dumping process make a lil’ sense. Well sorry to stab holes in the entire foundation of academic thought; not every question has an answer.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

When in college, we are usually given some little guides on how to date, how to avoid date rape and stuff like that. But sad enough, we never get a guide on the emotional consequences of dating. Once, I spent an hour on phone with an ‘awful’ friend of mine who was dealing with the consequences of turning down a guy who had asked her out. No, he was not stalking her. No, he was not throwing rotten eggs through her window. He was just hurt. And so was she.

Well that one hour of telephone therapy didn’t make my friend feel any better. But I have been there on both ends … done lots of crushing … and I have gotten pretty crushed – it was like I was paying for all the crushing I had done. Much as it is far worse to be on the receiving end, neither is pleasant at all.

But if you think of it, these are scars we accrue along our journeys. They are the NECESSARY scars of growing up. And it doesn’t matter the age at which you started accruing a list of so-called emotional 'crimes' done to us, and by us, but you gotta admit; that list helps make us who we are. We learn the hard way.

Much as learning about love requires rejection, this isn’t to say that the dumper has been absolved from the obligation to be as kind as possible. Having someone's heart in your hands is an incredible responsibility. And much as there is no way to avoid hurting someone, there are ways to NOT be a jerk about it.

And on the other hand those of us that get dumped aren’t deficient in any way. Unlucky? ... Perhaps. Hurt? … Certainly! Best thing is not to get angry at a puzzle pieces that don’t fit into one another. It’s just the WRONG piece … not a BAD piece. Being rejected over and over is kinda like falling off a bike … before you know it, it hurts less and it gets easier to get back on. It reaches a point when you realize that anyone who doesn't appreciate you probably wouldn't be a good match for you anyway.

Again, it's all easy enough to write, but I doubt it's of much comfort. But this is the best comfort I could come up with for anyone hurting. But as per my own experience, I know that more dumps you give and receive, the more relationships you experience, the better you get at this crazy system.

Don’t you sometimes long for that frenetic college-time . . . or give thanks to college for all the experiences? The more people you date, the more you know what you want in a relationship. That’s why college is there … to better us for the ‘real’ dating world.

We are so used to getting things prepackaged in America, and Hollywood leads us to expect relationships are the same way. Well, too bad. Love is the one thing that is a true democratizer - rich, poor, pampered, deprived, we all have to work our butts off and deal with the hardship before we even come close to getting what makes us happy.

Relationships are tough, and we're going to fail along the way. Everybody does and everybody hurts. But trust me, hurting the kind of learning experience you will never get in a classroom.

22 responses to "Learning about love entails rejection"

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  1. Posted: 14 Jul 08

    Whatever the reasons might be, it's never easy - It doesn't matter, it hurts. I guess the "not knowing" might be the hardest. Is it possible for someone to wake up and just stop loving you? I just think it would be "nice" to know. @ Pesta - I could not have said it better myself!

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  2.   sadde says:
    Posted: 09 Jun 08

    yes the dumper might have all the choices at the begging but in the end you have choices with your self about who you want your self to be

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  3.   sadde says:
    Posted: 09 Jun 08

    another thing is being dumped is awful but then you get to meet new people if you get dumped alot and you just have to forget about the person that dumps you and move on to better things i think thats all you can do is just forget about them but i think you should never let the dumper get the best of you that is hard to do but just keep being your self and liking your self

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  4.   sadde says:
    Posted: 09 Jun 08

    rejection is a very awful thing to deal with in life i think the person that does the dumping has it alot better than the person who gets dumped the dumper has all the choices but the dumpee can learn from the dumping and move on to someone they feel would treat them better and not want to dump them

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  5.   dale4you says:
    Posted: 14 May 08

    sex or love

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  6.   ethereal99 says:
    Posted: 03 May 08

    You have to hold back just a little bit as a defense mechanism in case you are dumped. To give it all & lose it all is devastating. Ria, cool weenie art figures for this blog, contact me further I'll be glad to help with future projects, resume on request.

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  7. Posted: 03 May 08

    I think of it as adding to the fortune bank: - Bad choices lead to smarter ones. - Bad luck has to flip eventually.. and I like to think proportionally. :)

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  8.   Sassfem says:
    Posted: 09 Apr 08

    I think mossimo36 does a great job showing how important it is to be in the other person's shoes when your feelings arise. That is hard to do though! And to Sxybrwnsuga, I totally agree that it is personal in the sense that they may not like the way you look, live, think etc etc. However, I think the article is advising us to not take it "personal". That to me is 2 different things, although it sounds wack lol. I think "taking it personal", means assuming that the dumpee not liking you reflects your worth or attractability as a potential partner. Like, when we get turned down by someone (Be it this site, or the club or local cafe), passively OR directly, we tend to react from our ego, more so than our inner feelings. I think separating the two can also make it easier to not take it personally! It is good to laugh it off, even if we can not do so at the moment it happens! So much easier said than done tho. :0)

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  9.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 26 Mar 08

    The last thing I wanna hear in the throes of heartache is that there's someone better suited for me just down the road. Even so it has always been true. Even when it was about me, it wasn't about me. There was just a bad fit somewhere and there isn't much I can do about it. Certainly I can learn whatever lesson there is to be learned (and there always is one) and be prepared for the next great love to come along. If I learn the lessons well and improve myself (and Lord knows there's always room for that), I have found a better fit next time around. That said, I'm still waiting for the right fit and still confident that she's just around the corner.

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  10.   pesta says:
    Posted: 24 Mar 08

    i agree entirely that the the damper has the right to do his/her thing with or without giving reasons for the heartbreaking action but for the sake of the laws of natural justice and decency, one should always explain,even if in the smplest ways possible,the reason why they felt compelled to act as they did.Afterall tomorrow it might be their turn to wonder why they've been dumped.Im sure they wouldn't enjoy someone commenting that it is their "just desserts" when it happens to them.

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  11.   kagwiria says:
    Posted: 22 Mar 08

    At the end of the day, we are each others human labs. conducting experiments on another albeit painful experiements! Its not that you get dumped, it is all ego working here! I have been reading A new earth by Mr. Tolle (actually read it 3 times) so still letting it all sink in. I am finding that letting go has become easier and I recommend highly the book.

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  12.   Sxybrwnsuga says:
    Posted: 21 Mar 08

    I'm sitting here reading some of these responses saying it's not personal when someone dumps you. It is always personal. They don't want you for a reason so it is personal. It's something about you that they don't like and would rather be with someone else.

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  13.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 21 Mar 08

    Sometimes the dumper becomes the dumpee. Then the dumper get to feel what the dumpee felt the last time they were dumped. The very act of dumping or being dumped on is very difficult so its important to understand the roles that both play especially when the roles get reversed. I know coz it happened to me last year. Clear as mud?

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  14.   sms04 says:
    Posted: 20 Mar 08

    What a great perspective! And very timely...coming from a recent "dumpee" :-)

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  15.   succi33 says:
    Posted: 20 Mar 08

    yes it hurt. even when u have not being dump. just to know dat the persoon you thougth was ur soulmate turn out to be not that much into u. what can u do? i sure wil not wait to be dumpt. so i take a painful bow and retrait to lick my wound. i was not dump and i don't think i did dump, but at this moment it feel like being dump. i just think it was enougth of being hurt, love is not suppose to hurt but give u energie and streng.

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  16.   bigfine1966 says:
    Posted: 20 Mar 08

    I dont know if the person owe the other person a reason. But what gets my goat is when the person says nothing and move on. I think adults should be adults. Hey i am just not that into you. Of course if the person is pyscho they will want to know why and get nagging the person that when that person should disappear but the dumpee deserve to know they are being dump

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  17.   rielly says:
    Posted: 19 Mar 08

    The person doing the dumping so atleast tell the other person what it is that has turned him/her off. The person who was dumped should look at it as a life lesson. Nothing in life is free, you have to work hard for everything..that includes finding the right person for you.

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  18.   LGand2gh says:
    Posted: 18 Mar 08

    The way I see it,whether you are doing the rejecting or being rejected,the person is doing you a favor and visa versa,in order to be w/ the one whom you/ they should be with.That is how I have had to look at it.I pray to God to send me the person that I should be with and say a prayer that the other person does the same. Does that make anyone feel better,it does take practice,just do it.Im just passing it along.

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  19.   SnazzyBella says:
    Posted: 18 Mar 08

    I don't think people that are dumped think about how hard it is for the person that is doing the dumping. I have agonized over how to tell someone that it was over and was really hurt that I had to do it. Sometimes the dumper has to get over the dumping process, just like the dumpee.

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  20.   outpass35 says:
    Posted: 17 Mar 08

    I say you don't take it personal if you get dumped on because in the long run it may save you a lot of heartache and lawyers court. I say sit back and reflect on it and move on to someone who will treat likie you would love to be treat and treat you like the person you are. Not having a person around just because they are afraid to hurt your feeling who about your action afterward.

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  21.   tigerlilies says:
    Posted: 17 Mar 08

    People just have to learn that it's not always personal when someone turns you down. Sometimes it may have nothing to do with you;it could be timing, family obligations, they just got their heart broken, you remind them of an ex, or thousands of other reasons. Anyway, do you really want to convince someone that you're lovable or just find someone who sees that in you already? If you try to win someone's love... it says something about your state of mind. Maybe you need to see why you take rejection from one person so hard, instead of moving on.

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  22.   celticdawn says:
    Posted: 17 Mar 08

    I dont know if it ever gets easier but your right you cant get angry over it just learn to get past the hurt and not let it jade you too much.

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