Quit settling for mediocre sex
In relationships, there are so many deal-breakers. Some of the qualities our prospective partners possess unalterable and these do purge any possibility of there being a happy relationship. Other qualities like he wants kids and you don’t are critical compatibility indicators. Others like, he has small hands, are plain shallow.
But one potential deal-breaker we can’t begin to ignore, or even categorize, is bad sex! You think it’s shallow and that the quality of sex shouldn’t matter if two people care about each other? Should quality of sex be the ultimate indicator of compatibility? It is a deal-breaker for some, but then again if you think about it, it actually isn’t coz with enough time and effort, it could be fixed.
In Sex So Great She Can’t Get Enough, author Barbara Keesling admits that sometimes people need a lil training to fix this. However, “… since passion is practically a philosophical concept, bad sex almost always results from emotional, mental, and physical issues." And the key to improving the so-so sex is getting to the root of the problem.
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I am sure you too have had your share of disappointing encounters of sex now and then. I know I have. One thing you gotta do before you even figure out whether the bad sex you are having cam be improved, is figuring out if you are actually having bad sex. Is it the kids’ interruptions? Trust me, watching movies that show other couples having simultaneously orgasmic sex will only do one thing – make you feel totally inadequate.
So, what qualifies as bad sex?
Sex therapist in Cambridge Gina Ogden explains that "If either person is dissatisfied over the long term, its bad sex … "We've been taught that good sex is intercourse where the man and woman achieve orgasm. But that's just a small part. In fact, if you ask 100 people what bad sex is, they'll all tell you how it makes them feel. And every single person may feel something different."
One lady says the first time she has sex with one hot coworker, the excitement became humiliation … he wouldn’t kiss her! :roll: "I told myself it was OK, because sometimes sex is just dirty and fun," she said. But several months down the line, no lips interlocked. She realized it wasn’t ok. Much as she was in love with him and got turned on by just watching him walk around the office, she just couldn’t get her juices flowing in bed. So she decided to deal with the problem and asked him to kiss her in the middle of the deed. And … Yes, he didn’t. He actually said “NO!”. And the sleeping together was over!
There is one secret to good sex is discovering what makes you tick in bed. And when you walk into the bedroom with baggage - be it habits formed with past lovers or something as disturbingly serious as sexual abuse – these things can derail a new couple's sex life. When you walk into bed with the mentality that the sex will be boring, it probably will be. And if you decide to work some moves your ex used to love on a new lover, chances are you'll be less in tune to his actual response.
Fact: you can be perfectly sexually satisfied with sex while your partner is not feeling you. And you know what, since you are on cloud 9 on the sexual scale, you may not realize that your partner is dissatisfied. Which is why you shouldn’t settle for mediocre sex. If you are the unhappy one, then you have to change things. Talk about it.
Think about the place, the timing and how to start the sex talk coz the where, when and how can make a big difference between a productive conversation and a disastrous meltdown. Please DON’T bring it up during sex. And bringing up your misgivings immediately afterward will definitely make your partner feel like they’re being attacked. Choose a neutral and non-threatening environment outside the bedroom – and by non-threatening, I don’t mean a crowded subway.
If talking about the problem directly is too intimidating, try throwing your partner some book about improving the sex and tell him or her how reading it together can be hot and steamy. And trust me, it is hot. All you have is your imagination and yourselves to experiment and do the practicals after the theory.
Stop blaming your bad relationship on bad sex. It’s the other way round … bad sex, in fact, is a result of your bad relationship. People usually fall into the easy trap of putting more importance on sex and ignoring intimacy. "They think that if they can get laid and enjoy it, things will be OK. Well, that's naïve—and they often end up going out and having sex with someone else,” says Keesling.
Only when a relationship is beyond repair can the sex be. Talk to your partner, demonstrate what you need. Don’t let the deal-breaker be you. Do whatever you have to.
Do you think if two people care about each other, they should settle for so-so sex? Is it shallow to break up with someone over bad sex?
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