Quit settling for mediocre sex

Posted by Ria, 12 Dec 08

In relationships, there are so many deal-breakers. Some of the qualities our prospective partners possess unalterable and these do purge any possibility of there being a happy relationship. Other qualities like he wants kids and you don’t are critical compatibility indicators. Others like, he has small hands, are plain shallow.

But one potential deal-breaker we can’t begin to ignore, or even categorize, is bad sex! You think it’s shallow and that the quality of sex shouldn’t matter if two people care about each other? Should quality of sex be the ultimate indicator of compatibility? It is a deal-breaker for some, but then again if you think about it, it actually isn’t coz with enough time and effort, it could be fixed.

In Sex So Great She Can’t Get Enough, author Barbara Keesling admits that sometimes people need a lil training to fix this. However, “… since passion is practically a philosophical concept, bad sex almost always results from emotional, mental, and physical issues." And the key to improving the so-so sex is getting to the root of the problem.

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I am sure you too have had your share of disappointing encounters of sex now and then. I know I have. One thing you gotta do before you even figure out whether the bad sex you are having cam be improved, is figuring out if you are actually having bad sex. Is it the kids’ interruptions? Trust me, watching movies that show other couples having simultaneously orgasmic sex will only do one thing – make you feel totally inadequate.

So, what qualifies as bad sex?

Sex therapist in Cambridge Gina Ogden explains that "If either person is dissatisfied over the long term, its bad sex … "We've been taught that good sex is intercourse where the man and woman achieve orgasm. But that's just a small part. In fact, if you ask 100 people what bad sex is, they'll all tell you how it makes them feel. And every single person may feel something different."

One lady says the first time she has sex with one hot coworker, the excitement became humiliation … he wouldn’t kiss her! :roll: "I told myself it was OK, because sometimes sex is just dirty and fun," she said. But several months down the line, no lips interlocked. She realized it wasn’t ok. Much as she was in love with him and got turned on by just watching him walk around the office, she just couldn’t get her juices flowing in bed. So she decided to deal with the problem and asked him to kiss her in the middle of the deed. And … Yes, he didn’t. He actually said “NO!”. And the sleeping together was over!

There is one secret to good sex is discovering what makes you tick in bed. And when you walk into the bedroom with baggage - be it habits formed with past lovers or something as disturbingly serious as sexual abuse – these things can derail a new couple's sex life. When you walk into bed with the mentality that the sex will be boring, it probably will be. And if you decide to work some moves your ex used to love on a new lover, chances are you'll be less in tune to his actual response.

Fact: you can be perfectly sexually satisfied with sex while your partner is not feeling you. And you know what, since you are on cloud 9 on the sexual scale, you may not realize that your partner is dissatisfied. Which is why you shouldn’t settle for mediocre sex. If you are the unhappy one, then you have to change things. Talk about it.

Think about the place, the timing and how to start the sex talk coz the where, when and how can make a big difference between a productive conversation and a disastrous meltdown. Please DON’T bring it up during sex. And bringing up your misgivings immediately afterward will definitely make your partner feel like they’re being attacked. Choose a neutral and non-threatening environment outside the bedroom – and by non-threatening, I don’t mean a crowded subway.

If talking about the problem directly is too intimidating, try throwing your partner some book about improving the sex and tell him or her how reading it together can be hot and steamy. And trust me, it is hot. All you have is your imagination and yourselves to experiment and do the practicals after the theory.

Stop blaming your bad relationship on bad sex. It’s the other way round … bad sex, in fact, is a result of your bad relationship. People usually fall into the easy trap of putting more importance on sex and ignoring intimacy. "They think that if they can get laid and enjoy it, things will be OK. Well, that's naïve—and they often end up going out and having sex with someone else,” says Keesling.

Only when a relationship is beyond repair can the sex be. Talk to your partner, demonstrate what you need. Don’t let the deal-breaker be you. Do whatever you have to.

Do you think if two people care about each other, they should settle for so-so sex? Is it shallow to break up with someone over bad sex?

7 responses to "Quit settling for mediocre sex"

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  1.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 08 Jan 09

    All talk and no Action , may be the problem , turn out the light , get nekkid and do the horizontal bump . Start slow give that man a show , he will show appreciation . The dance of Love comes with many thoughts of Pure Passion . What comes around / goes around . Grow up .

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  2.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 08 Jan 09

    The worst sex we ever had , was still the Greatest night of your Lives . Make King Love takes all night when done properly and should carry through the rest of our lives . You shall reap that which you sow , Excuses are like the easy way out . Don't try to blame me for what you do wrong , search for the proper way and learn from reading . Magnificent sexual encounters all start in ones mind .

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  3.   Maridoe says:
    Posted: 23 Dec 08

    Thank you for your take on the various stumbling blocks on the way to developing an exciting sexual relationship. There are times when it is all about how the other person feels. Talking about everything is very important before, long before you attempt any interaction. Having "The Talk" can be fun, exciting and informative; a couples event if you will. This is no time to be shy, if there is a line you will not cross for him better for him to know now rather than finding out later in the midst of playtime!

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  4.   sweetroses says:
    Posted: 22 Dec 08

    Hey this article is very helpful for me because I can say I had past relationships where the sexual chemistry was good in the beginning and the after a year or so things got dull, what this article is lacking is how to keep the relationship hot and spicy, the man has to know how to turn on a woman so she reach the full climax a big orgasm it is not that simple, its good to talk about it but you have to see results it takes two, thanks good luck.

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  5.   TRUDYLOVE2 says:
    Posted: 15 Dec 08

    IF YOU HAVING BAD SEX TO ME YOU AND YOUR PARTNER OR PARTNERS NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. WHAT IS GOING ON,SEE IF YOU BOTH WILL LIKE TO TRY SOMETHING NEW (LIKE TOYS AND ETC), OR IS IT THE SIZE SOME WOMEN WANT THE MAN TO BE BIG AND SOME DON'T CARE IT, HOW YOU USE IT. A WOMEN WHO IS HAVING SEX WITH THE SAME MAYBE SHE NOT DOING WHAT YOU LIKE (ORAL OR TOYS) AND THE SAME FOR MEN. IF YOU AND YOUR PANRTNER IS TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME,MAYBE YOUR JUST BORNED WITH HIM OR HER. BUT ONE THING IT NEED TO BE CALLED MAKING LOVE NOT SEX. NOT LONG CALL IT WHAT IT IS CALL SEX. SEX AND MAKING LOVE IS DIFFERENT. TO ME IF I LOVE HIM OR CARE FOR HIM AND IT THE SAME WITH HIM LEAVING HIM IS NOT THE ANSWER. I TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT. FINDING THAT LOVE IS SO HARD THE MAN THIS DAY AND TIME ARE ASS HOLDS THAT IS SOME NOT ALL. LOVE IS HARD TO FIND I LIKE THIS ARTICLE. I HAVE BOTH GOOD AND BAD SEX NEED TO KEEP ALL YOUR OPTIONS OPEN. THE MOST INTIMATE PART IS BEING WITH THAT PERSON IN THE MOMENT....ORGASM OR NOT. BUT,IF THAT ORGASM OR OTHER SEXUAL EXPECTATION IS NEEDED THEN YOU AND HIM NEED TO SEE WHAT CAN BE DONE.

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  6.   Meron says:
    Posted: 14 Dec 08

    This article is right on! All good sex I've ever had has been when both partners talk about what they want and keep all options open! I love to read erotica or watch a romantic movie. A couple will get ideas and are able to explore what they like and don't like. This is not a time to be shy!! Or, Quiet! I found that I'm interested in some behaviors that I would have never thought about on my own. The most intimate part is being with that person in the moment.., orgasm or not! But, if that orgasm or other sexual expectation is needed for that partner, the subject should be explored so they do not feel unfulfilled and searching for satifaction out of a commited situation. I've learned to leave those few bad things from past relationships right there... in the PAST. And, concentrated on making my present/future commited relationship, once I am in one, a path of growth in love, caring, understanding and sharing. The joys of those moments should linger. (Not "Over" when you're no longer engaged in the Act!) It should also be a growth process of ever changing and loving sex. I can't see breaking up over bad "Sex", but not so good "Intimacy" is different. For me, Having Sex and Making Love are Different! I would concentrate on making the Sex better AND having great intimacy also. To me, they go Hand in Hand! Or else, you have the physical as stated above without the mental or physcological to help sustain the long term part of your "Bond"! True loving couples make efforts to "Please" each other!

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  7.   jelloboo says:
    Posted: 13 Dec 08

    I thought this article was interesting and I definitely agree that in order to have great sex, there needs to be a good amount of communication. The only thing I couldn't get past, though, is the typos! I am assuming that you want this website to be a reputable source for news and articles and such, but in order for anyone to take the advice seriously, I think you need have them proofread before publishing. I am in marketing and I would never think about publishing an article that had such typos as this one did. For example, spelling "coz" instead of "because" and saying "them" instead of "then". Sorry, just my two cents. Other than that I think it was a decent article.

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