Relationship issues: To tell or not to tell

Posted by Ria, 13 Oct 08

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Is it ok to spill your relationship issues to your best friends?

When it comes to relationships, most people – women especially – find it hard to balance between respecting their partners and confiding in friends. I am a woman and trust me…that line is very thin!

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Most women love to bi*** about negative aspects of their relationships to the girls over bottles of wine. (Mmm… I love those sittings). Men on the other hand expect their women to keep every negative aspect of their relationships from the girlfriends. Most women love to seek a second opinion from their friends especially when they can’t get through to their boyfriends and need help sorting their issues. Some men do it too. They tell their pals negative stuff about their relationships. But how ok is this? Where should one draw the line?

If you are in a serious relationship and are building a permanent intimate relationship, then it is time to keep problems between the two of you to yourselves. Half the time, when we bi*** about our spouses, we do so under anger and frustration. And we end up painting a very ugly picture about them to our friends. And even after the two of you have sorted your issues out, your pals will never stop bi***ing about him or her. Much as you once said bad stuff about your spouse in anger, it’s hard to hear your friends dissing him especially after things have been sorted out and all is well.

Imagine how he or she would feel if one of your friends hinted about your issues to him? Less trusting and betrayed? You bet. You need to know what your spouse feels uncomfortable or embarrassed about. This will help you know whether to talk about stuff with your pals in general or specific terms.

Women, please, stay off sexual topics. When a pal of mine hooked up with some guy, she couldn’t wait to come and tell us the guy had trouble getting it up. We even nicknamed him ED (Erectile Dysfunction). Well, they are now married and she is so in love with him. But the thing is, most of my pals still call him ED and inquire whether they get anything done in bed. This really humiliates her. Well it aint even about her. You can talk about your spouse’s work problems but don’t tell your friends stuff about his sexual inadequacies or his finances. These are things that will determine whether your friends will respect him or not. And you don’t want your friends not respecting your dude.

In a loving relationship (not the one you have with our friends :lol: ), honesty is the best policy. Sneaking around telling your friends is almost sure to come out, which can only harm the relationship. Much as our friends provide a healthy balance to relationships, it is important to let them know that you want to keep some things about your spouse private, so that when it’s a bi***ing session and you aint bi***ing, they don’t interpret it as you pulling away from them.

Is confiding in your friends a betrayal and a violation of your spouse’s privacy? Does the topic of discussion determine whether or not it’s a betrayal? Where should we draw the line when it comes to such ‘fun gossip’?

32 responses to "Relationship issues: To tell or not to tell"

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  1.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 27 Oct 08

    I think we are loosing focus on the issue at hand..its very simple, do you disclose intimate and negative issues to your buddies? I think my answer is clear no unless you very sure of the reactions and intentions of some of our friends.

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  2.   lina822 says:
    Posted: 25 Oct 08

    finally the topic is on track thanks eric_t.

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  3.   rae56 says:
    Posted: 25 Oct 08

    Well said, eric_t!

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  4.   bigfine1966 says:
    Posted: 24 Oct 08

    Thanks eric that is about the best comment i have read so far. I will keep that in mind for my next husband.

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  5.   WHURR says:
    Posted: 24 Oct 08

    I wasn't talking about you at all BigFine :) Sorry that I didn't make that clearer... You know that when prayers were needed for your family, I had a bunch for you! God Bless

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  6.   eric_t says:
    Posted: 24 Oct 08

    Without trying to be politically correct and getting straight to the point, if you want a future ex-husband, talk about him behind his back. Bitching sessions are the most counter-productive social outings in the whole world. When a woman cuts into her man she effectively takes the strength right out of him. If you ever want a man to be a communicator you need to keep all your gripes to yourself. I can promise you that the next time he has an issue that he's hard pressed about and he knows you talk about him, give it up, you'll never know about it. He's not telling. He won't trust you. And when you find out that you and that future ex-husband are two weeks from being bankrupt or that he's been out of a job for a couple of months, or even smaller issues that add up to a great deal of pressure, and you get mad at him for not communicating earlier..., don't. He didn't tell anyone because there was no one to go to he could trust. Want to know the overwhelming reason discovered through studies on why men cheat? Emotional betrayal/dissatisfaction. Talk about your man behind his back and while you do he's getting affirmation from the secretary at work. While you're cutting him down (and he knows it), she's building him up. She admires him for the accomplishments she can see. So where do you think his heart is going to shift? Food for thought with a strong warning. Don't bitch.

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  7.   bigfine1966 says:
    Posted: 24 Oct 08

    well my comment had nothing to do with the chat room or you. And if i write something it matters. It matters to me if noone else an I am the one who counts the most. Thank you with your blessing and same to you. Good luck and God bless

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  8.   WHURR says:
    Posted: 24 Oct 08

    The whole article is based on bringing your garbage about your social life to the public spotlight. It can happen haphazardly or purposefully. My original comments were regarding the chat room. The chat room is a cesspool of gossip. Many people use it for whatever intrinsic theraputic needs they have. They confide in people and dump their personal relationships in the room. It tends to backfire because many people are looking for the gossip aspect and not the caring aspect. My comment was made because I do know some things about other people, not from 3rd party, but from their own mouths. I have read things in the room pertaining to current relationships. My comments in here were made to anyone who feels that they may be claiming to be protective, yet dumping their business in the chat room. If that description is not you or anyone that you mentioned, then you have no reason to worry. I'm sure you feel my comments are not relevant to the forum. The comments are stern and might actually cause someone on this blog to actually think... he might be talking about me! In reality, do you actually care what I think or what I write? In this cyberworld, I can't believe that you might think that what you type matters, I know what I type doesn't matter. How ironic and paradoxal is that? Good luck with your life. May God bless you as you try to find the right person.

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  9.   bigfine1966 says:
    Posted: 23 Oct 08

    Having had some experince sometimes it can not be good to discuss some things with friends and family about your spouse because when u have forgot they still remember. When i finally decided to divorce my husband my friends and family started telling me about things i had long forgot and forgave. But i think on the other hand if telling your friends and family certain things helps you find yourself or know yourself better it can be good. I say this thinking about men who isolate thier partners to abuse them and keep them away from things that make sense. If you have no one but God sometimes with all that is going on you cant always hear his wisper and he uses a friend to say" Gurl that man is crazy and you better get the Hell away from him!" I hope i have made some sense. I enjoyed reading this blog and everyones comment.Bigfine1966

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  10. Posted: 23 Oct 08

    Whurr - So why then turn around after you were challenged by Rae56 and say that your comments were made to people "on this page and all this page only"? after you explicitly said "Its amazing that people here are stating that being protective of relationship issues is important" Seems like you were attacking the intelligent, RELEVANT TO THE FORUM statements made by Qween77, Pia 65, Party, Goddess, M.Flower,Jeans, lina and bblond? So no, you do not have to mention names - Go back and read your statements - you sir, brought the chat room drama that you obviously thrive in and made some un-intelligent statements and your true colors have been exposed. This is not the Forum for this kinds of personal attacks at whoever (of the group that I mention) that you are trying to criticize. - I am done with this. *LovelyBBW - I loved your comments - thanks for squashing this circus!

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  11.   WHURR says:
    Posted: 23 Oct 08

    Notice in my comment, I never mention peoples names. The chatroom is a place where people dump their business. Rumors circulate in their as crazily and quickly as the conversation flows. As far as the 'bed-fellow' comment, thats a perfect example. I have never been in bed with anyone from this site, so nice try. Thats how rumors start on this site and that is the perfect example of the junk I am talking about. My case was made from a simple statement without any validity on your part. I have had 4 lunches with people on this site in 2 years. Nice try!!

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  12. Posted: 23 Oct 08

    Lawd! in the spirit of "sticking to the point" - I would like to say.. first of all great topic and like most of the comments here - i think you should really be picky about who you tell certain info - some people maybe out to get what you have! BUT I will say this - Whurr's comments were a tad tacky but - Checked out his profile too.. - Ummm yeah.. I think someone is calling other kettle's black.. @Snazzy - I have been in the chat room when you have exposed your business - so don't even go there with that defensive stuff. No one was being defensive - but I applaud you for your loyalty to your bed-fellow :-) Cheers!

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  13.   cuteblkwm says:
    Posted: 23 Oct 08

    THANK YOU LOVELYBBW! - Well said! LMAO! I don't think anyone was being defensive here either SnazzyBella -Everyone knows that you and Whurr are Bossom Buddies so you have a right to come to his defense but not at the expense of others. The Forum was going well until he made his less than intelligent comments that did not belong here. - THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE FOR PERSONAL ATTACKS! LETS KEEP THE FORUM ARTICULATE SHALL WE? NOW.. MOVING RIGHT ALONG.. I have a group of close girlfriends that I share personal info with, but I am careful not to divulge too much -you just never know what can be used against you!

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  14.   lovelybbw says:
    Posted: 22 Oct 08

    Geeeeeze, Defensive, NO just stating facts! Stick to the question at hand. Chat room crap DOES NOT belong here. See? Just like the question states, someone makes a comment in chat, and everyone else spreads it like butter on toast! Keep it real.

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  15.   SnazzyBella says:
    Posted: 22 Oct 08

    hmmm, I am curious about those addressing the chat comment out of all the other comments. Defensive?

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  16.   babyfacce says:
    Posted: 21 Oct 08

    i have love and learn a great deal concerning the principals of relationships.Reading the beliefs express in the doe's and don'ts i feel comfortable in my own rules of engagements.lol at 53 years old and always wanting to date other races but never have,it took so time maturing to get that point of life what i like is what i like ....i've attracted to caucasian woman for a long time,never met anyone that was interested in me. now dispelling any and all barriers between me and happiness soulmate i'm here waiting with chocolate kisses..

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  17.   LoveMyJeans says:
    Posted: 21 Oct 08

    As far as chat goes, there is drama at times. It is the nature of the beast. I have personally seen people come into chat and discuss their personal lives, and etc. There will always be those who feel the need to expose themselves for attention or whatever. However, some of us (most of us I believe) go into the room to JUST CHAT. We want to talk about relationships (in general), politics, or current events. We are not interested in all the "he said/she said" drama rattled off by others. It is very the reason A/R created the block button, and maturity allows you to ignore silliness.

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  18. Posted: 20 Oct 08

    Thanks for the comment rae56 - I was a little taken back by Whurr's comments too. Because I certainely have not and will not partake in any of the foolishness that he described.

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  19.   SnazzyBella says:
    Posted: 20 Oct 08

    Telling your therapist is safer... or you can just spill you guts in a random rant on myspace

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  20.   lovelybbw says:
    Posted: 20 Oct 08

    Well...I do have a person with whom I can share certain thoughts, concerns and feelings I have regarding relationship issues. I think it wise to keep to myself that which I do not want anyone else but GOD to know, and I know HE will keep my confidence. Now as for issues and drama in the chat room, leave it in the chat room, it does not belong here in the blog.

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  21.   WHURR says:
    Posted: 20 Oct 08

    Ummmm...THIS PAGE?? only 2..THIS PAGE.....

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  22.   rae56 says:
    Posted: 19 Oct 08

    Whurr, are you making a blanket statement here? how many people who have posted on this page have you seen in chat giving-up the 411? It has been my feeling for years that dissing your mate to your friends and family is a direct (and negative) reflection on you. After all, you chose them. If he/she is an s.o.b. what does that say about you, especially if you choose to remain with said s.o.b. I tend to be very discreet when discussing partners and ex-partners with friends. You never know what might come back to bite you. Kissing and telling isn't a good thing.

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  23.   WHURR says:
    Posted: 18 Oct 08

    Its amazing that people are stating that being protective of relationship issues is important. Al you have to do is enter the chat room on this site to find out who is sleeping with who, who got dumped by who and who has given what to disease t who. I have not been in that chatroom for nearly a month now because the drama is abundant. What makes matters worse is when it is known publicly that someone has done something vicious to someone else.... the other people in the room still pursue that person...and get it done to them as well. Ahhhhh... the joys of cyber dating, cyber drama, and cyber fights.

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  24. Posted: 17 Oct 08

    i think that you should only tell them as much as u want them to know cuz they will always have an opinion and depending on how much u tell them it will shape what they think.

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  25.   lina822 says:
    Posted: 17 Oct 08

    disclosing is dangerous, in my opinion, whatever secret you have could be used against you by your "friends". Just keep whatever issues you have between the two of you.in circumstances where you have a confidant and you are comfortable with him/her go ahead...

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  26.   lovemyjeans says:
    Posted: 17 Oct 08

    I do have a special friend (my cousin) that I confide personal issues too. We are each other's sounding board. I feel confident that she will keep all things private, and tell me when I am in the wrong or right. However, I am pretty closed to everyone else. I keep it general and light. Something just need to stay private.

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  27. Posted: 16 Oct 08

    I am with you party! I believe in keeping things in house. When I was in a relationship, I talked to my friends about stuff that was going on with me and my EX but it was general "girl-talk" - the kind that would never humiliate or embarass him. Even after we broke up, I chose to keep the details private because no one could really understand - they were not in the relationship.. We loved each deeply and I chose to honor that. It's great to have friends that can listen/give advice etc but at the end of the day, only YOU know your partner well enough to decide what to do.

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  28.   goddess47 says:
    Posted: 16 Oct 08

    If they are you're TRUE friends...then the sky is the limit, because the trust is there and the understanding that 'whats discussed amoungst us ...stays amoungst us.' I have two best friends whom will NEVER repeat anything I've said and vice versa. If you're not sure of your friends or they usually have something negative to say about you or your mate..then keep it to yourselves! Establish ground rules beforehand.....ALWAYS!

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  29.   seydou2 says:
    Posted: 15 Oct 08

    how are you my name is seydou i'm for girlfriends looking woman

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  30.   party1 says:
    Posted: 14 Oct 08

    I am a firm believer in keepin things "in house" with no dirty laundry spread about family or friends or lovers.If the only things you say are negative then the only things that can be judged are obviously bias.You may really love who you are mad at and say diragatory thangs and then who u are speaking to doesnt hear or know the good side.Hearing someone bad mouth thier spouse constantly makes me wonder why would they remain married.When in actuality they may be deeply in love and are just venting.BUT I must add that most people do have a "confidante" that 1 person that they can speak to without fear of it being repeated and they would also know the good side .Another reason that when I have someone that I consider a "friend" it is so much more than an acquantance.So in closing I say if you are talking to a true friend or what I consider to be a true friend,,there are no limits to what the topic is because thier loyalty is beyond reproach.Holding something inside and fuming about it and not discussing is ,,,,,not healthy(menatlly).A loner may disagree,,that is why they are a loner!!!

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  31.   Pia65 says:
    Posted: 13 Oct 08

    Yes, you do have to draw the line when chatting with girlfriends. Being thoughtful of what you say and how you say it is key to keeping your sanity. We ( my girlfriends & I at least ) all made a pact never to discuss certain topics like, body parts, sex, or fights. We keep it G or PG like how we want to change a room in our house, or the latest clothing / shoe fashions, etc. If we think the conversation goes in that direction then someone will yell out "TMI" meaning "too much information" and quickly change the subject. If you don't draw a line....someone else will, but not before you wine up with egg on your face, and no mate to talk too!

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  32.   queen77 says:
    Posted: 13 Oct 08

    i belive its a two way thing?telling your friends about your relationship has a positive and negative impact.sometimes you want to seek for opinion that can be useful in shapening your relationship and this arises when there are issues,and then when it comes to showing off,some ladies want to tell their friends that their man is living up,he is the best u can ever get etc,and some girls pick intrest in your man without u knowing,because they are intrested in having a feel of what you have and they go behind u to tell ur man sorts of stories about you,they lure u into having other affairs and with a prove to show to your man,and when this is done she steps in and posess your man and it will be at a point where you cannot be able to win him back,confinding in friends is really a betrayal,there should be limitation to the level you can go in revealing your relationship status to your friends

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