Saviors or Manipulators?

Posted by Ria, 16 Nov 09

Are men who appoint themselves as saviors just manipulators who take advantage of women with relationship problems?

They say a woman is most vulnerable after a break up. And most of the time, when we meet a guy – on a date even – who is willing to listen to us bitch about the ex, (especially when we are fueled by some alcohol) we talk and talk non-stop.

I don’t know if some of you ladies have ever found yourselves in a situation where a man applies the ‘nice guy’ strategy… whereby while you are busy trashing your ex, dude agrees with everything you say. And by posing as an understanding and comforting new friend, the ‘nice guy’ moves into a position of power. Dude gets closer to you - victim at that particular moment - giving you the feeling of self-validation you sooo aches for.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

I don’t mean to trash such men but in my opinion, these self-appointed saviors are nothing but manipulators who use the intelligence they have just gathered to manipulate the ‘victim’ who feeds off the continuous attention the ‘savior’ provides.

Ladies, if you want to bitch about your ex, why not take it to the girls? As it is, we have our fair share of guys who act like they are call centre operators ready to take calls of women in distress. Well, much as chivalry is good, if you are a man taking advantage of a woman in her vulnerable state, a few months down the line, this same woman will be gushing over some other man’s generosity about how spineless you are.

Female fantasies about ‘saviors’ have been with us since like forever. It’s the stuff of fairytales and romantic movies. Not to sound bitchy but the things we don’t get to hear in these narratives is that some men go through all that trouble simply because of the promise of sex.

If you ever meet a man who walks away after you bombard him with your demands for attention trust me, he is one of the few good men. Don’t take it personal. Count your blessings.

Hey guys, has any of you ever encountered female saviors? Do they play savior for the promise of sex or there’s more to it. This, I would really love to know…

26 responses to "Saviors or Manipulators?"

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  1. Posted: 11 Jul 10

    I figure everybody has an agenda - we do what we do because we want 'something'. Whether it's purely to help as one poster here said, to be the change they want to see or to get some 'action'. To me the important questions are: Are we open about our agendas? Are we aware of each other's agendas? Do our agendas match/complement? Seems it's when a couple out of those aren't true that trouble could start.

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  2.   maxhnb says:
    Posted: 11 Feb 10

    sounds like the writer wanted to be a victim. If a man listens to you and is supportive and maybe even makes you laugh, as a woman you may want to be close to him. Doesnt mean he has set out to seduce you. I can only speak of myself and I am sincere in my actions. No I am not a goody goody but sex is not of utmost interest in my mind. I appreciate someone I can relate to in many ways.

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  3.   Snazzybella says:
    Posted: 03 Feb 10

    I do like to know a little about EXs because it gives you a little perspective on the guy you dealing with. But my ego demands that I am the only one you ever think off. So EXs are about a five minute convo

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  4.   Member says:
    Posted: 20 Jan 10

    on the topic of man women saviors, ex's etc, I just left a short but ardous four month relationship with a woman who I now ahve come to find out is a HP or for better words a histrionic personality, a passive aggresive person who seek constant attention and when not getting it turn it into theatrical drama, running out of restaraunts, seriously overcompensating with gifts, money and everything else you could imagine. I never had someone bug the hell out of me so badly calling all times of the day and if I didn't call back after seeing her for the night the next day O boy here come the text messages and voice mail filled up with whats wrong don't you love me nonesense. This type of personality in a person doesn't persay make her a bad person but a very insecure person and we all have it in us to a certain degree, but some just know how to handle it better than others. I miss her but realize that the facade she built up was collapsing right in front of me and I lack the strength to help someone who can't control themselves. God bless her"

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  5.   WiseChoice says:
    Posted: 16 Dec 09

    . For whatever it may be worth, Mr. Jungle, I fully agree with you and support your view. There are some people who want sympathy but don't want to surrender to a SOLUTION. Surrendering to a Solution usually means you are willing to redeem a situation or walk away from it. You have to Pan the Self-Pity! Solution Orientation makes no allowances for such trite. Bad things happen. Now;.. what do you actually intend to do; in order to affect a positive, empowering Solution Resolution. I counseled recently, a person who ALWAYS has one drama issue after another... and the issues NEVER seem to solve. They don't solve or resolve and they don't dissolve or desorb! They are ALWAYS resurfacing in different ways. Some people are not looking for solutions; they want hand-outs; not hand-ups... and want you for a crutch. This tactic never ultimately works; and the person's situations only worsen. Thank you for your accurate insight, sir. I do agree with you. Sincerely, W.C. .

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  6.   netsilik says:
    Posted: 11 Dec 09

    Men like this are definetly manipualators, no doubt about it. Not to judge all men but any person who takes advantage of someone at the weakest point in their life, is not a good person as far as I'm concerned. Foe you women try not to make yourself so available to men like this. when I break up with a guy I'm completely off limits to any man for a long period of time. during this time you need time to heal and learn from your mistakes, not try to start a new relationship that is destined to fail. Love you sisters all women gotta stick together.

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  7.   Jungle says:
    Posted: 06 Dec 09

    There are A LOT of variables here! Everybody is attracted to what gives them joy or fulfilment. And to each his or her own! I am not a rebound dater nor wish to be! The reason I ask a beautiful woman on a date is to get to know her, and her likes and dislikes, how we can get long in relation and how we can be a great couple together, If it comes to that! I have compassion but won't be a crutch! When dating and a woman who yambers on about how her ex did this and that and how she didn't get all she thought she deserved? .....continueously! Is time to question wether she is really moving on or not to you. When in meeting in person for the first time , going on about exes isn't the best angle to take. Built trust, build communication. Once you build on a solid couple together.....than you have a really great thing going on. I guess what I'm sying is if you ask a beautiful gorgeous woman on a date, both should have interest in learning more about eachother right? Thats why you on a date in the first place!

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  8.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 02 Dec 09

    "Each must show Responsibility for their own Mistakes / as none are perfect " . Blame me if you wish as / you have no idea who I am .

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  9.   Member says:
    Posted: 30 Nov 09

    . THANK YOU,....!! ---Hello, ( takinitall ); Dear, I am presuming you're not literally serious. Yet,(literal or not) I appreciate your sentiments. And I do accept your sincere and sweet compliment. What an honor; to be so highly favored by (you)!! For the record, I (would) seriously consider such a proposal from a person of your noted caliber. You are truly a precious, gracious and beautiful woman whom I have admired for a very long time. I have read many of your posts; respect your core values and expressiveness. I love your brilliance. Your entire countenance radiates with compassion and intelligence; obliging me to remove my hat.! Definitely quite attractive; -You strike clearly as a genuine 1st-Class, Proverbs 31:10 LADY. That said; I HONOR and RESPECT the unfeigned QUEEN you ARE;--..Nor do I "treat" you (as IF) you were. There's a difference. TREATMENT merely enunciates something that may or may not be truly believed. But to HONOR and RESPECT you, are forms of REGARD that exhibit VALIDATION of your actual QUEEN-SHIP. I CHOOSE to VALIDATE your dignity, takinitall.! I believe in you; I reverence the PERSON you ARE. As a member on this site, I assume responsibility to express (meaningful) appreciation whenever due. I can't honestly justify a "flirt"; when I know you deserve a thoughtfully composed TRIBUTE. So I send you my fine salutations (here); simply because "flirting" with you just isn't worthy! Thank you for sharing your unabashed openness, congenial charm and downright straightforwardness. It is indeed an honor to which I am beholden; and a privilege, -- just to address you, takinitall.! Before the entire interracial internet web-world, Please accept my stalwart (much-unspoken) regard.! With all intended sincerity and intensity, (YOUR) WiseChoice. Please note: I do NOT long desire to remain single --I have a faithful,... "married" heart. . .

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  10.   meowforu2 says:
    Posted: 29 Nov 09

    you know what i think,it's a matter of respect, because if you put all men in the same boat, than you are judging all.maturity plays a big roll in commincation.if that person wants to know you , and they start asking questions about you or why you are devorced, isn't is best to tell the truth,if you don't tell,they are going to think you are hiding something, and you can't even express yourself.besides all men aren't a-holes.i love men, and some will listen...meowww.

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  11.   takinitall says:
    Posted: 25 Nov 09

    @ Wise Choice Will you marry me? Your posts allways make me say hallejuah a man with simple decency, common sense and compassion.

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  12.   takinitall says:
    Posted: 25 Nov 09

    OMG! This is such a true post. I have alot of male friends who pretend they are overly concerned with my feelings and protecting me,when they have romantic interests in me. Although I have made it clear that once I place you in the friend zone, I don't cross the line. I had one friend for 10 years who would be my kleenex. One day he got some balls and said "you're giving everybody a chance but me,either we're f*****g or I'mnot f*****g with you." OF course I refused to sleep with him and we are no longer friends. I have another friend now who is desperately trying to find flaws in the guy I'm dating now. For example if my guy pays for childcare, he says he's just trying to get some and make you think he cares. We went to Vegas for my birthday and he says he just trying to get me drunk and play with my head. He is also overly absorbed with rather or not I am having sex with this guy. I'm thinking why I'm never going to sleep with him. He has even gone so faras to tell me men would take me more serious if I got a breast reducation. After I laughed, I thought about it and thanked him for his outlandish concern. So yes definitly male manipulators who pretend to be saviors.

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  13.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 24 Nov 09

    Rarely : will a break-up be the fault of anyone save yourself . To condemn an Ex will openly show ones own Faults iin how they carry themselves . I never blamed my exes for my Bad habits / alas found in a Dream just before Awakening at Midnite . That the First drink one takes in Life is the start of an Incurable Disease - called " Alcoholism " . Sadly , I myself experienced this / alas after many Lost times finally Quit at the age of 50 . Sober now for 11 plus years / have seen the problems others openly Display on this Blog topics with the Distain they show toward the Female population . Weird would be the word / and I need knot Display any profile names as their comments openly show who they are . Ladies / Aproach these Idiots with Caution .

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  14.   WHURR says:
    Posted: 20 Nov 09

    Can we change the name to Womanipulators?

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  15.   Member says:
    Posted: 20 Nov 09

    . First of all, thank you for presenting us with such an interesting conundrum. LOL. I think many of us have been there. Most of the break-ups I've witnessed are a mixture of fault and misunderstanding. I have rarely seen it simply cut-&-dried. So experience has it, that there is usually another unseen side of the every relationship conflict. Relationship problems are double-edged. It's very rarely a "one-way-only" situation where one person is completely wrong and the other is totally "right"; ..although there ARE exceptions. So,..being a "savior" is ..(to me) not advisable; unless the hero is actually positioned to "save the day" for a particular distressed damsel. As for me,... I do it all the time. LOL. As I stated in my (rather long) profile, I don't have any problem with "Drama". --Bring it on! Drama is a normal course in the average human life. If somebody reading this, has no drama (NOW),.... just wait. Drama "happens". It's what we (DO) with drama;.... how we react and how we choose to handle it.. and the consequences of it,... that makes the superior difference. Sometimes,... talking about it ...over-and-over if need be,.. is the way we come to resolution and we find some sense of finality, closure and peace. One of the 8 basic love-language groups known to (homo sapiens) is that of the the Listening Ear and Hearing Heart;---to Listen with Love. True,... some men can't muster that quality very well. It takes practice, a lot of interest in the needs of another human being (male or female). But it's often vital to inner healing & regaining of one's self-respect and sense of human dignity; to believe someone is willing to listen to them. ---- Now,... I realize... as we all so-painfully may have come to grips with issues we find hard to face alone,... that there ARE "manipulators". As I see it,.. a "manipulator" might be someone who utilizes (gained trust and information under the false or pretensive care) unfavorably. And when people are hurting,.. they very often are not aware that the person in whom they place confidence is a manipulator who may harm them. That person may be a brother or family friend. It may be (anyone) in a position to use private information in a detrimental way;...ANY one. BUT---- that DOES NOT mean that every "Listening Ear & Hearing Heart is out to maneuver the hurting person into an unsavory or compromising position. SOME people actually DO listen,.. because they honestly CARE what is going on in your life and genuinely want to HELP... even at their own risk. The other day,.. a young lady came to me for help. I won't iterate her story other than to say the situation left her embarrassingly compromised. I wasn't trying to be nice,... be a "savior" or any of that. To me,.. she was someone in need of help and I was in a position to help her. I called her apartment manager,... did what was needed, to protect the interests of the young lady and her baby,... and ... the problem went away. That's not being a "savior"... it's (hopefully) just being a decent person. I didn't ask for any "favors" to help her, and haven't seen her since. Another recent example is that of a dignified lady in... I would estimate to be her mid-70's....had problems with some agencies... couldn't get help. I examined her papers, -gave her a few suggestions and then made a couple phone calls. BINGO..!! No more "drama". -Then helped with a legal matter. Again,... no money, no gratuity and none asked or expected. --Just doing what is the decent thing to do. That's not being a "savior";..It's decency. A man came to my door for food. I unloaded one of my refrigerators and cupboards until he asked me to stop;- after the 4th dozen carton of eggs, etc. You haven't "given" to anyone,..until it costs you something, in my opinion. I've done as much for others..any time I have seen a need. Not bragging. If you state a positive fact without an ulterior motive, other than to help illustrate a point, it isn't "bragging"..;.. it's just being genuine. Also, if you do things for people because you CAN, and it helps them...and you don't ask for (or get) anything from them in return,-that's just decency. It's not being a "savior". It's just an expression of love that every human being needs some times;.. --doing for others without expectation of return. And if you LISTEN,.. with the open-ear of your heart, to the needs of those around you,... it doesn't mark you automatically as a "villain". And there's no need to "villain-ize" a person for trying to do their honest best to help solve the problems of others in this crazy, mixed up world! If you comfort them in a clean, upright way,... and all you desire is to see the smile and joy reenter their life, ...perhaps it's worthwhile. That's not being a "savior"... it's just decency. Some of us men honestly CARE about others and we don't honestly mind listening to "drama". Some people actually feel they have been unfairly bashed in a love-relationship to the point that they are suffering an emotional identity crises.! It happens! And when it does,... SOMEONE needs to be there to LISTEN with a Caring, Hearing Heart.. ... call it what you will.! It may save a life! You are free to disagree with my viewpoint. But when the end of the day comes,... I am STILL going to be helping people solve threatening issues. If that's being a "savior" in your view,.. then think of it as you will;... in which case you may also want to revisit your definition of the term. WordWeb calls it: "A person who rescues you from harm or danger." There are a few other definitions .. NONE are bad. You might want to ... just call a "scoundrel" what he/she actually is: "A VILLAIN; A wicked or evil person; someone who does evil DELIBERATELY." ... On the other hand... what the heck..!! There have been MANY people who have tried to help folks... and been killed for doing good. Villain or Savior?.... Which was HE? They called HIM (both). What do YOU think? ... because in the end,... it's your opinion. Oh---- last tag,... every one of those people I just mentioned .. were culturally distinct from me. I listened, I helped, I wasn't "repaid". Some of us Honestly CARE. --Excuse me;.. I've gotta go feed Barbie. Thanks for letting me share a viewpoint. God Bless. John. .

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  16.   rarestgold says:
    Posted: 19 Nov 09

    I don't get it? He wants sex, you probably want sex (to take you away from it all) so what's the problem again? Oh yeah, he probably won't call you in the morning. Can I think about this for a minute?

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  17.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 18 Nov 09

    correction ; saw part of it on right side under Recent Comments a couple days ago , Sex without Love stills remains - Just Sex

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  18.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 18 Nov 09

    lieforlove; You are correct / the missing comment was mine . A Mans' side of this Issue / saw part of the right side a day or so ago . Alas as of this time I have been " Discriminated " again for the Simple fact I am a Male .

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  19.   bighoss101 says:
    Posted: 18 Nov 09

    Any time I sit and listen to a women go on and on and trash her ex and I agree with everything she says (which of course I do) - In the back of my mind Im thinkin yeah I bet somewhere some dudes got another side to this story - Hey, my policy is I never talk about an ex and certinly dont trash her to a potential romance - its bad tact, bad manners, and I feel we should spend our time talkin about how bright OUR future could be :)

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  20.   liveforlove says:
    Posted: 17 Nov 09

    I must ask you something about his blog you wrote I'm confused I am realizing now that this site is ran by you a lady! and this blog is for ladies and it feels as though it's a mark against men ...well I must say that I've experienced women tha has done the same thing to me they made thmselves out to be a saviour but they turned out to be a manipulator. I dont mean to trash such men but in my opinion, these self-appointed saviors are nothing but manipulators who use the intelligence they have just gathered to manipulate the victim who feeds off the continuous attention the savior provides. I copied that from your blog to show you that it has happened to me too the same as what you wrote there...I needed you to see and point out to you that it happens that men can and are victims of this type of circumstances too...I'm sorry to say that I feel that writing something like this is being one sided and making it difficult for good men as myself to recieve the love from a lady when they read blogs like this...I understand that you helping other ladies in this is honorable but prejudice against men...I was under the impression that this site was meant for women to search out men ...I'm one of those men, I'm not mad at you, I'm to mature to get mad over something like this but to try and understand why you would write it! I want to understand not be mad...I thought this was a get together site..not a watch out all men are manipulators site :) please forgive me I'm not a hater I'm a sensative man with a tremendously big heart...

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  21.   Bellara says:
    Posted: 17 Nov 09

    some are saviors: they help u heal after bad breakup or just take the time to listen (even if u are full of bs or not) others are manipulators: who want to listen to u then wants to "warm" ur bed so u won't miss ur ex too much. its a two way street.

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  22.   mrsnowman says:
    Posted: 17 Nov 09

    I approach this from a completely different angle. When a woman is venting about an ex, my goal is two-fold: 1) Help them to see what role THEY played in the breakup, because ultimately, you are the only person you can control, and 2) Listen for issues that may cause a problem in our future relationship. Typically at this point it is not about power, but about friendship. If she is still venting about her ex, then we have not progressed very far in our relationship, and I am just acting as a friendly ear. However, I ALWAYS encourage them to talk to as many people as possible, to get different perspectives, and hopefully grow from the past relationship and get a better sense of what you need from a life partner.

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  23.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 17 Nov 09

    You have females that try to play savior and you better beleive they have some strings attached. First off, who wans to be bothered with someone boo-whooing over the lost of their ex. Most people would be like, "I'll holla at you when you get it together!" The situation would be different if this person has always been interested in you and you've known it but a stranger, oh hell no! Ladies who try and play savior should be careful because when a man is hurt and his pride is wounded, you'll never know what kind of box he'll come out of. He might play right along with your game and before you know it he's giving you all kinds of hell. He may become jealous, posessive, controlling, verbally or physically abuseive. He may use you as a means of stroking his briused ego, the old saying amongst men, "you get over one woman by getting on top of another one" is alive an well. "Buyer Beware!" In the outlet malls of cheap sex and quick fixes for the heart broken, both men and women are selling whatever you're willing to buy, so be careful! There's always someone out to take advantage of the emotionally drunk, so stay out of the bars and the hotel rooms because that's where they hang out at! LOL

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  24.   WHURR says:
    Posted: 17 Nov 09

    There is no 'booty' in the world worth listening to someone warble on about an 'ex'. I'd rather watch football home alone under my covers, with a bag Of Chocolate Turtle Mix Chex and a 64oz Double Big Gulp packed with sweet tea. Rambling about an ex is about as pleasant to listen to as someone rubbing their sweaty hands on a styrofoam cooler. In fact, I would rather listen to Rhianna accapella.... actually thats not true! I draw the line somewhere. Don't women do this as well when they play the 'motherly' role and coddle the dude who has 'ex' issues? I think its definitely true especially since most dudes would discourage this conversation amongst each other.

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  25.   bighoss101 says:
    Posted: 16 Nov 09

    Any time I sit and listen to a women go on and on and trash ex and agree with everything she says (which of course I do) - In the back of my mind I'm thinkin "yeah I bet somewhere some dudes got another side to this story" - Hey, my policy is I never talk about an ex and certinly don't trash to a potential romance - it's bad tact, bad manners, and I feel we should spend our time talkin about how bright OUR future could be :)

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  26.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 16 Nov 09

    This is very one sided / when my wife left after 24 years together , I cried for three years almost everywhere I went . Even while involved in job interviews . There is No savior for a Broken Heart / Sex without Love is just Sex . The Promise was till death do us part . This site saved me from a life of lonelyness , Thank you .

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