Study: Racial stereotypes in online dating

Posted by Ria, 24 Apr 09

I once asked you guys in an earlier post: “Do dating sites encourage racial prejudice?” Well, a UC Irvine study claims that online daters have a tendency of observing racial stereotypes while seeking potential mates.

The researchers analyzed Yahoo personals and found that White men prefer Asian and Hispanic women to African American women as dating partners. White women on the other hand have a preference for African American and Hispanic men as opposed to Asian men. Asians, Blacks and Latinos were more inclined to include White people as possible mates than White people were to include them. White people seem to be the most preferred race when it comes to interracial dating.

Cynthia Feliciano, one of the researchers and UCI assistant professor of sociology and Chicano/Latino studies, pegs the above preference findings on negative portrayals of Black women and Asian men by the media – on TV, in movies and music. "Stereotypical images of masculinity and femininity shape dating choices and continue to be perpetuated in the mass media," said Feliciano, "The hyper-feminine image of Asian American women contrasts greatly with the image of Asian men, who are often portrayed as asexual."

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At the same time, the image of the strong Black woman, portrayed negatively by media as bossiness, is pegged against the idealized notions of submissive and frail women; which kinda explains why they were the least preferred choice of mate. This study on internet dating shows how race still plays into the selection of a partner.

Having been dubbed the 'dominant race' and being the most preferred racial group (according to the study), do you think White people influence the composition of interracial dating in the U.S.? Do racial stereotypes as portrayed by the media influence racial preference and choice in the internet dating scene? What other factors could be making Black women and Asian men the least preferred groups?

270 responses to "Study: Racial stereotypes in online dating"

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  1.   Ebony says:
    Posted: 15 Dec 09

    Congratulations, you found love! However, I am trying to understand why it appears that when Brothers 'achieve,' they leave...

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  2.   Bellara says:
    Posted: 29 Nov 09

    i know might be a bit off topic but mmh it won't stop me from chipping in my 2cents :)i guarantee that acting white or acting black is a term created by african americans because they are pretty much the only people that i hear using those term. its unfortunate that when you are loud HOW SOME AFRICAN AMERICANS DEFINE ACTIING BLK/WHT Acting black: Loud, obnoxious, ignorant and uncultured. Acting white: polished, uses proper grammar, poised and speaks gently. Isn't this quite unfortunate? African Americans tend to sideline themselves because many find it ok to refer to a white male socializing w/them as "white boy or whitie" but it is not ok to do the same to them. it is ok for a "brotha" or a "sista" or any one that acts quite ghetto to use the N-word ending w/an A but not a white person. one of the major reasons for this sideline might be because a lot of african american women feel the urge to possess a good hair, lighter skin, and things of that nature. Am sure a white man that wants to date a black woman wants a black woman. not a black woman that wants to look white. i know many african americans that refer to black ppl w/really dark skin tone as purple, night or some other nonsense like that. HOW DO YOU EXPECT OTHERS TO SEE YOU IN POSITIVE LIGHT WHEN YOU AS A RACE CAN'T EVEN SEE ONE ANOTHER IN A A POSITIVE LIGHT?? ps: the statistics in this article is once again nonsensical with 1 or 2 points that actually makes sense.

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  3.   kagard67 says:
    Posted: 07 Sep 09

    Great posts! Very enlightening! Thank you all!

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  4.   Shotgun007 says:
    Posted: 21 Aug 09

    Using "Yahoo" as a tool to measure dating preferences is like utilizing "Wikipedia" as a source on a Doctoral Thesis Paper!! Totally unreliable!! If we want to find out which are THE most or least preferred derived solely from the perspective of dating/courtship, then why not poll Caucasian Men from various backgrounds and from many countries. Or better yet, set up Blind Focus Groups. Makes no sense...Another dumb survey.

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  5.   Member says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    M.Eliot kudos to you! You make an excellent point when using Keanu Reeves as an example.

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  6.   miri2008 says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    @Alie - I love your long post - it was fun to read :) The 'remove me from your friends' part seems a bit much... but, you know, some people on dating sites don't like writing to people if they've absolutely made up their minds that it's a 'no go'... So, giving him the benefit of the doubt, it may just be that he's not looking to accumulate casual friends here...

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  7.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 24 Jul 09

    WHURR, I often wonder if I have too much time on my hands if I'm spending it reading and commenting on blogs like this one. I just might.

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  8.   WHURR says:
    Posted: 23 Jul 09

    Those that were wondering if I was joking about the Yahoo Personals comment back in June....its quite obvious it was ajoke. The funny thing about blogs is that people tend to get emotionally trapped in someone's comment and take every word literal. I love when people post a huge rebuttal or comment. It allows me to use my scroll key that is built into my touchpad. I never get to use it otherwise. For those that take my comments verbatim and don't understand sophomoric and facetious comments, I mean every word so ... ... Yes I was paying $25 to look at 12 year olds claiming to be 18. I am massively into Asian women, ages 12-99. I use my EBT card to pay for it all. My profile is a hoax. I am actually a Nigerian scammer sitting in a cybercafe in Lagos. Thanks. Go ahead and comment.

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  9.   Shotgun007 says:
    Posted: 23 Jul 09

    Well stated Olypian!! Shotgun007

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  10.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 23 Jul 09

    @aliekatt2 I promise to try and make my point with as few words as posible in the future! Peace!

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  11.   aliekatt2 says:
    Posted: 22 Jul 09

    O.k So I'm gonna do a NoPlaya and post this enourmaously long fricken (Stevie Wonder Type) Response here. (Yall no Stevie cain't ever shut up! tee-hee) There are some good comments on here, as well as some bad comments. Hence preference. I think this issue goes both ways. Example one; The other day I was in Starbucks ( I live in Los Angeles and we can't make it a day w/o it) getting my Green Tea Frapachino, and the girl at the counter asked my name and I said Alie and then stood to the side to wait for my drink. As it was I happened to see a HOTTT! lol young man waiting for his drink as well. He had to at least be 6'4, gorgeously tanned, with big beautiful blue eyes. He checked me out, I checked him out( you know the lil eye games that men and women play). Anyway, the girl called my name and his at the same time, but being polite I waited till he got his drink first. He left and I figured that was my lil flirtation for the day. When I got my drink, I saw that he had scribbled his name and number on my cup! (Very suave I might add lol). Unfortunately he was only 25 years old lol. (Not a cougar yet lol, might be soon though if they keep looking like that!) That's usually my problem, no one believes that I'm almost 41 years old, and it seems to be only the young ones that are interested in me. However, this shows that white men are interested in light skinned women. Albeit, there is both and upside to interracial dating as well. Second example; Week before last on another site) I was messaged by a guy, and he seemed nice enough and I added him as a friend (38 yrs). We did the message thing back and forth for a while, then he asked if I wanted to meet ( wasn't really sure on that part). Well I asked him if he read that I was mixed. Unfortunately when one is Latin, or part Latin, America seems to only think of Hispanic. But for Cubanita, Bocuia's, Dominicanas, Costa Ricanos and the like, we consider ourselves Island people (like Jamaicans) not Hispanic. Well this is what he wrote back to me; IT SAYS LATINO SO, I HAVE NO PROBLEM THERE. IF YOU HAVE BLACK IN YOU I CAN'T DO IT. BE BACK THA WAY WHEN I HOOK UP WITH A DECENT JOB. SO IF YOUR BLACK PLEASE DROP ME OF YOUR FRIENDS. IF NOT KEEeP IN CONTACT AND WE WILL SEE ANY THING ISPOSSIBLE WITH RESPECTS This was the first time that I had ever experienced this as far as dating goes. I was shocked, to say the least.I nearly fell off my chair. Not only could he not spell, nor did he have a job, but I have never received a message like this in my life. I grew up in the Hollywood hills, and have never experienced anything like this. Sh*t, the first real boyfriend I ever had was white! This makes me more sad than angry, because it simply states that America is still very ingrained in its archaic beliefs, and I thank GOD that my parents didn't believe this way, or I wouldn't be here. Maybe this is why I'm having such a hard time of getting my book published, because there are people like this person still out there. So I was talking with a colleague( him white, me mixed) from work a few days ago,and we were discussing the blog I left in the wee hours of the marnin, on my website and thinking on a logical intellectual perspective. I'm still clueless as to why someone would be that blatant about race. So my fellow teacher says that, everyone should be entitled to their preference, w/o someone seeing them as racist. And the very fact that I took it this way says that I am judging him unfairly, because it is his preference to date who he chooses. O.k. granted, it is his preference,but to send someone a message like that still boggles my mind. Wouldn't it have been more polite, to just simply say something like, "since we live so far away,I think it wouldn't work?" or " I'm never in one place for long periods of time so the long distance thing doesn't work for me?" There are millions of excuses that someone could use, to blow someone off without a direct reference to their race. Not to mention he asked me if I would be interested in meeting him? I never once took it outside of just an online friend. My colleague's answer to this was; "So you automatically assumed that he's a racist because he has a preference?" My answer to this; OMG! Of course not. But my Profile states clearly in the bio what I am mixed with, and unless he couldn't read, didn't read it, or took it on face value that because I am of a light complexion that I was full blood Mexican, because this is what Hispanic is, he's just an idiot. Not to mention there are several ways that one can extradite themselves from a situation like this w/o referring to race. And the simple fact that not only did he say that he couldn't date me because I have black blood, but he told me to remove him from my friends page. How else could one explain this? (scratches head here) If anyone out there has a clue, please clue me in, because I can not fathom an explanation for this. My friend had no explanation for this part either (tee-hee). However my Alternative friend said that this is a total Hetero problem, because in the rainbow world, heart, mind and soul make all the difference, and if the person is hot that's just a plus. He said that this is a commonly found Hetro problem, because they would never think about the person's skin color before they dated them. And they're the ones who get bashed sheesh!; maybe if the Hetro world had this attitude, we'd all get along ahellva lot better. So here is an example for both sides, and once again preference rules out. If you're attracted to a person truly ( guy with the cup) then skin color doesn't matter.

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  12.   dolly48 says:
    Posted: 22 Jul 09

    comment to Panda, Sorry you and your gentleman friend have to put up with so much foolishness. Follow your heart and enjoy your life. Comment to loves2laugh, RIGHT ON!!! I agree with a lot of your statements.

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  13.   Life2go says:
    Posted: 22 Jul 09

    Ooops I meant to summarize that what I think this all boils down to is fear of rejection. White men who are interested in Black women don't approach us because of that fear and I now have my own fear of rejection from the White guys that don't consider me their "type." I'm just not willing to put myself out there like that anymore. A wise person once said "go where you are loved" and I want to expand on that by saying "go where you are shown love." Whether a man is White, Black, Asian, or Latino - if he can't SHOW me love then he can't have me. Period. One.

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  14.   Life2go says:
    Posted: 22 Jul 09

    Ok, I know I am way late jumping in on this one and truthfully I lost patience and zoomed through many of the above posts but I think this is the most hilarious interracial dating site I have ever come across. Initially when I came here I was interested in dating a white guy, still am if he's a good fit, but since I have been on here I have gotten more flirts from black men than anyone else! This wouldn't be strange if this site was specifically for interracial dating. However, like many of the users on here I am open to different types and there is no one I would disqualify simply because of ethnicity which is why I leave it open. Another thing is I no longer flirt with White men or any other unless they either initiate and include Black/African descent in their preference or they have solely Black Women for preference and have given specific shout out to Black Women. Why? Because I believe there are many White guys on here who are interested only in Black Women that fall more into the Beyonce'/Halle Berry category than they are open to one that falls into the Gabrielle Union/Garcelle Beauvais category. Just my thoughts.

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  15.   trinichic35 says:
    Posted: 20 Jul 09

    oh boy :S

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  16.   Loves2laugh says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    Geez where do I even begin. I have to say I have noticed a great deal of racial stereotypes in general, not only online. My most recent encounters have been online and the mostly came from black men. Oddly enough I have had just as many black men if not more contact me then white men. I am open to all races of men to date so I welcome that whole heatedly. I have been contaced on this site by black men who exclude black from their choices (which is fine, in fact I would rather them do so, that way I don't waste my efforts)Anyways I am amazed at some of the conversations that I have with black men many of the black males on this site who's profiles I have read and have had email or phone contact with are nothing less than ANTI-BLACK. One black guy contacted me (his box for black women was actually checked) and we had a few conversations, I cut off communication because I got tired of the stereotypes. He sounded like a very ignorant person who sits on a porch and says "gee look it must be true it was on TV" (spit)Our last conversation was pivotal he couldn't understand if I was so intelligent and so nice why I didn't have someone in my life. I must have a chip on my shoulder and be very hard to get along with. He also said here is an example of the difference between a black woman and a white woman; "if we are sitting down watching TV and I say honey can you get me a glass of water the white woman will say okay sweetheart I will be back, but the black woman will say get it yourself and will roll her eyes and neck". IS HE SERIOUS??? I read a profile of a very attractive black man who lives in Richmond VA where I live. I always check to look at profiles in my area I don't single out race. His profile was very stereotypical. Here is what he is looking for...........Hmm lets see a little about me hard working honest down to earth loyal and easy to please. I'm a simple guy who just wants one white woman who is down to earth looking for more than a booty call and oh this is very important who is not ghetto if I wanted a thug chick id get a blk girl if every other word out of ur mouth is cursing and swearing just hit the x. Dont care how hot u think u are we wont click other than that I'm not real picky. Oh not really in to skinny chicks no offense ladies but I'm 6'5 250 and I like a woman with some size to her not saying that its impossible for me to date someone small framed but just my preference bigger is better lol. I'm tall so if u not into tall guys I'm not ur man oh another thing if u got like a crazy baby dad or kids that dont respect u nor will they respect me I'm not ur guy. I love kids but not bad ones very big turn off lol wow guess I'm starting to sound picky guess I better end this on a lighter note I'm funloving faithful and very affectionate. I'm looking for someone I can fall in love with and cant live without not really trying to settle for someone who is ms right now but ms right P. S the less drama the better I'm laid back and not into arguing or drama I'm big on communication so I think its the key to a great relationship so thats enough rambling black women are just not my preference so if u are blk dont hit me up thanks............................................... BLACK MEN is OKAY if you prefer or exclusively date out of your race. I am very confident and when I see you in public I speak to you and your mate I don't do evil stares. IT IS NOT OKAY to categorize myself and the myriad of other black women who cant identify with the ridiculous stereotypes that you apply to all of us unfairly.

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  17.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    Panda, life is way too short to worry about what others will think. True love is one of those things that doesn't come by too often so when it does, you'd better buckle up and enjoy the ride. It's all about loving and being loved that makes life worth while. Peace

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  18.   SBW1962 says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 09

    Panda, enjoy your love and your life. Unfortunately there will always be ignorant people opening their mouths and just blowing hot air. Think about the many bi-racial people who have gone far in life--President Obama, Halle Berry, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keyes, Derek Jeter, Gloria Reuben, Grant Hill, Lenny Kravitz, Lisa Bonet, Soledad O'Brian, Tiger Woods. Gosh, I could go on and on, but these are bi-racial people that had to have an identity in order to do something extraordinary with their lives.

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  19.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 13 Jul 09

    panda ; Enjoy life as you see fit / We do as it is Our lives We have to live .

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  20.   SBW1962 says:
    Posted: 13 Jul 09

    FearlessCrusader, I can only speak of MY experiences. And that is what I spoke. If that is prejudice and one-sided so be it. But I don't believe that is the case. I am one of the rare black women who WANTS marriage (at my age it's now too late for children) and would actually prefer a white man. Having said that, I will not marry just any white man just for the sake of marrying. All the same I would not want a man, any man, who just marries me for the sake of marrying. That would be settling. No one should settle. EVER. It would make for some miserable people. Regarding your other statements--unfortunately it is commonplace for people to have sex without marriage and not just black women. I have actually found that even Christian men (or those claiming to be) expect sex when just dating. How can they expect God's blessings on a relationship steeped in sin? I know this may offend some people but truth is truth whether you believe it or practice it. No, those statistics you mention do not signify any amount of progress. My observation is that everyone needs "to stop playing games and get serious about your relationships."

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  21.   panda says:
    Posted: 13 Jul 09

    I'm a white woman who met a wonderful African American man. We've been together almost a year and it's been quite a surprise that there's tension on both sides. My mother is quite opposed to the union with the stance of "What if you had children? They'd have no 'true' identity". My father likes him and wants to meet him, saying that he seems like he's far nicer than the white men I'd previously dated. I've found that, in the Northwest, the only men I can find who are 1)spititual 2)Like the same food as I 3)Go to a club and actually *dance* with me 4)Don't try to put me into a box, are men of color. I've noticed, though, that when we're out some women of color (NOT ALL) will give us tense stares. The stereotypes of him 'upgrading' or my being a 'phase' before he settles down with a woman of color are running rampant. Why can't it simply be that he's from Philly and I'm from Dallas and when I cook him black eyed peas greens and cornbread he gobbles it up instead of looking at me like I just served him green eggs and ham (most white men from the north just don't know what to do with dishes like that). Why can't it simply be that he's happy he found a woman that will stay up until 4am playing "Army of Two" on a Saturday night? He's labeled as a sell out and I'm scorned for *potentially* birthing children that will have no identity. Then there are the more bigotted remarks from ignorant fools, but I'll stop there. I'm accussed from 'stealing' a 'good' black man. Do women of color face stereotypes when they choose to give a white man a chance romantically? When you go out, is there tension? What are the stereotypes that you face? White men, I'm curious to know what you hear as well. I've never felt this way in my life and it makes me sad that I'm seen as a traitor in the eyes of my race or that one or two not-so-much friends on either side describe the other as a 'phase'. I'd love to hear your input.

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  22. Posted: 08 Jul 09

    Siolav, Guest, and SBW1962, you're awfully predjucdiced and one-sided. I have dated more than my fair share of black women only to have it end because they would not marry a white man. They'll date white men for sex, money, and connections, but rare is the black woman who wants to get married, especially to a white man. You say that black women make great wives, but my experience is that most black women don't even want to be wives. You hear a lot of statistics showing there are more single black women than single black men, or simply more single women than single men. But have you ever looked deeper? Check out the statisistics on the percentage of women who WANT to get married; the number of single women who want to get married actually exceeds the number of men who want to get married. Check out Linda Sunshine's book on this subject. "Soulmates," a documentary film shown recently at the largest black singles ministry in Jacksonville, addressed this very topic. One of their most shocking revelations was that the percentage of black children raised in households where both the mother and father were present, was much higher under slavery than it is today. And, I might add, the percentage of black women having sex with someone who was not her husband was much lower under slavery than it is today. Sisters, that is not progress. You need to stop playing games and get serious about your relationships.

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  23.   susie1011 says:
    Posted: 08 Jul 09

    I find it extremely tragic that in this day and age american women attribute the tone of their skin to their inability to get a man.I m from London and trust me if someone likes you they like you. Why is it o.k for people to get offended when a man says he prefers dark skinned women to lighter skinned women?As black women are hair colour is predominately dark so obviously we are going to be described by the colour of our skin. We don t see anything wrong with our white sisters being described as blonde; brunette; red head;etc. It s just a matter of preference!I got chatted up by a dark haired grey eyed man-- I told him i preferred the blonde blue eyed male. He moved on! I think in the UK there s a different sort of mind set; you do get the odd hiccups but if your not looking for something you won t see it!

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  24.   golden says:
    Posted: 04 Jul 09

    I would never ever marry a white man unless he had a substantial amount of wealth period.

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  25.   SBW1962 says:
    Posted: 25 Jun 09

    Sialav you are so right--there is too much dating going on with no intention of marriage. And it is very hurtful. I have dated my fair share of white men only to have it end because they were in it just out of curiosity. I too say get over your fears and if you're truly diggin' black women act on it. It just may be the best thing you'll ever do and you may find your soulmate.

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  26.   Guest says:
    Posted: 24 Jun 09

    I came upon this blog just browsing about IR dating. I am a black woman who has dated her share of white men. Unfortunately the majority of my experiences have not been good. For some reason most of these men have been just about satisfying curiosity with no intention of being seriously involved. This is very hurtful. Siolav, you are so correct on this. We do make good wives and are very family oriented. Guys, you never know what blessing your fears are keeping away from you.

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  27.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 19 Jun 09

    Ms. Guest, That was a great post. And the nation you describe at the end would be even better, in my mind, if the comment was, "Man that woman in the grey jacket over there in the blue Mini Cooper is red hot!" 'Coz she is likely to be no more black than I am white or pink (and is there anyone for whom the "flesh-coloured" bandages actually match their flesh colour?).

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  28.   packer083 says:
    Posted: 19 Jun 09

    Hello my name is Brandon and let me say that i am 18 years old and just got out of high school i came upon this acticle and i was amazed that many people had at least ahd some kind of problem simailar to teh one that i ahd and still have to this day yes i believe that at the beginning of this post someone said that white men are afriad to approach women and that is in some aspects true as i a once qwas and still somethimes find myself asking what is wrong "you like this girl so go up to her"adn then i jsut wave it off i believe that most guys are afiad of tallking to some women just because they do not want to be though of as not in teh loop and therefore no one will ever look at them the same i am currently havign this problem.I am becoming far more openning about my prefenece not a need just a prefence that i love to date black women and i believe that any women is in her won way beauitful but you give me a strong black women and ill be the happiest guy on earth.My problm is why do i ask myself what i should do i can't go up to any women any more and jsut say hey how is it goign i used to be what you would call a natural adn jsut let things flow but for now i guess im just having a run in with a little self doubt and what to see if anyone has ever run into something like this before.I currently live in Milwakee,Wisconsin and i am 6'7 about and still find it hard to get over the fact that i can not apporach a women and just be myself i am just asking for a little advice on how i can make my life a little easier.

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  29.   Guest says:
    Posted: 18 Jun 09

    I came across this thread entirely by accident (I was looking up ways to overcome eye-contact aversion), and found myself completely intrigued by the original question, not because I have long wondered about it, but because it was recently brought to my attention that perhaps I should. To elaborate, I am what is commonly known as bi-racial, though in my case and many others' I'm sure it's a misnomer. I grew up in Idaho, and now reside in Seattle. It never occurred to me to be attracted to someone based on skin color, though in my life I have often been accused of being 'too white' or 'not black enough.' Those comments are of coursed based on media perpetuated stereotypes that, as others have said, only dumb people buy into. Unfortunately, those dumb people happen to be my family, on my dad's side. I never could figure out what 'too white' meant. I'm from Idaho. I act and talk like everyone else I was raised around. 'Not black enough' apparently has something to do with my lack of attitude, perfect Northwestern accent, and the fact that I don't have a single black person in my circle of friends, not because I avoid them, but because them's the sweet lemons I've been dealt. I don't see any of that as a problem, and have often wondered why people expect me to fill this stereotype of a black woman simply because I am such a nice shade of brown. I am not a skin color, I am an American, and if indeed I must be black, then indeed I must also be white, which of course is a very gray area where most people are concerned. In any case, the other day my dad randomly told me that he wanted me to date black men because men of other races, particularly white men, were not prepared to date me, and wouldn't be able to handle it. I looked down at myself, thinking his words might be explained by the fact that I'd suddenly turned into a three-toed sloth. Nope, I was still human. Culturally, because of where I was raised, I am an American of the Pacific Northwest, which I guess means I like to wear socks with my sandals and eat gluten free granola. But basically, I couldn't understand at all what my dad was talking about. He went on to explain, and what I extracted from the conversation was that skin color mattered in whom one should choose to date. This from the dark skinned man who has only fallen in love twice in his life: with my mom, and with my stepmom, who are, respectively, Austrian descended and a German native. The man with three bi-racial kids. What tripe. The rest of the conversation did not go well, leading me to the realization that I have never considered myself black or white at all. Ever since, I have found myself pondering this topic, trying to formulate why color would matter if two people were attracted to each other, and what some of the causes of such an odd way of thinking might be from. Especially in places that are not still entrenched in 1915. I live in Seattle, which, if I remember from an earlier post, was listed as #2 on the list of best cities for interracial dating. I do see a lot of interracial couples, and to be fair, the run down does have a much, much smaller percentage of WM/BW than any other combination, but I personally believe that it's mostly a case of population demographics than anything else. With the exception of Asian men, who tend to look right past me, I don't seem to have a particular problem attracting attention from men of most ethnicities--my ability to deal with that attention is another thing, haha-- and I certainly don't feel obligated to date anyone I don't like. This life is too short to go around worrying about how much natural SPF my kids will be born with. I find it amusing, and rather sad, that all of the stereotyping, and the implied prohibition about who I date has come almost entirely from my colored side of the family, and colored friends of the family. Why are they so reluctant to embrace the future, which will be better for the inherent progress made when people date interracially. Not to mention a prettier future, because mixed kids are cuter *grin* But for them, I'm not black enough, and I apparently need to embrace, not the future, but the past, and where I'm from. Where I'm from? Like the song says: You know I like my chicken fried, cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right, and the radio up... I'm American. The sooner people in this country can proudly mark that on a survey and let color merely become part of a descriptive process (like, bet on the gray, did you see that red Mini Cooper, or, oh look, that black guy over there is really hot...) the freer people will feel to stop restricting themselves to perceived notions about racial dating taboos, and give themselves a much better chance at finding someone they'd be happy to spend the rest of their lives with. I am very tired, so I hope any of that made sense.

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  30.   Weeeelll says:
    Posted: 18 Jun 09

    Ive read through most of these and have a few things ,,, Black women to me are absolutely beautiful. The skin, the hair, the eyes, the lips, the legs, the breasts, etc. I have always loved dark-skinned women, had posters of them in room as a kid which went against the norm when I grew up, I didnt care. I grew up in the militray so dating wasnt a big issue. Im 47 now, widower, no kids. I have my profile up and I talk. I say, dont sweat the issue, enjoy your walk through the flower garden and when the right one makes her appearance, you'll know. Go slow, get to know each other ,, and for those of you still looking, look at my profile. Only one question : Why do so many "look" but dont respond ? Orion

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  31. Posted: 17 Jun 09

    I think the media--for whatever warped reasons--attempts to perpetuate sterotypes of all kinds. I choose to ignore them--both the media AND the sterotypes. I've dated Black men mostly in an attempt to prove something to myself. But I'm just not naturally drawn to them in a romantic way (at least I haven't been yet!) Must I be simply because we share the same skintone? Animals have more sense than that (and humans are supposed to be evolved!) Anyone who buys into the notion (in this day-and-age no less) that s/he must adhere to some other human beings ideals on whom s/he can love does her/himself a grave disservice and may miss out on the love of a lifetime! I hate neither Black men nor myself. The bottom-line is you like who you like and you don't have to explain or justify that not even to yourself, let alone anyone else. I say flip the media and anyone else who tries to dictate how YOU should live YOUR life.

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  32. Posted: 14 Jun 09

    Wow, this thread is so long I hate to make it longer, but hopefully this wll help: Superlite (4/25) and M.Elliot (4/27), you are soooo right! Women have to be careful not to appear to be chasing a man, because men naturally run from this sort of role reversal...but women do have to meke themselves available to the men they are interested in. Ladies, you MUST let him know if you are interested, and you must let him know that he has a chance with you. This is hard for you ladies because YOU can tell easily when a man is interested in you, so you think he can too, but it doesn't work that way. Men are clueless. They can't discern the little interest signs, so you have to be PERSISTANT and OBVIOUS to get their attention (sorry if I've offended you guys, but it is a scientific fact that most men are this way). You ladies have to walk a fine line here, and I don't envy you. Men, you are privileged. God has blessed you by ordaining you to choose and approach any woman you are attracted to, while women prety much have to wait for the man to approach her. Use your responsibility wisely. Ladies, there are plenty of ways in which you can encourage a man to approach you. Be creative, not passive. You have just a much power to attract him as he has to chase you. LaughSailor (4/25), your experiences with online dating sites was quite interesting, but different than mine. I've found POF and OKC to be completely colorblind. However, my experinece with eHarmony was interesting. For those of you who aren't familiar with them, they do all the matching themselves, based upon (1) compatibility, as determined by extensive testing, and (2) your stated prferences. They do not even attempt to match on chemistry. Now, when I first joined 3 years ago, I stated "no preference" under ethnicity...and almost all the women they matched me with were white. I wasn't comfortable with any of them, so I changed my preference so that they would match me with whites only when there was a higher than usual degree of compatibility. Guess what? Out of the next 300 matches they provided. NOT ONE of them was white. Apparently I'm not very compatible with ANY white woman. In response to the lengthy discussions about "being black enough", this has worked both wys. I noticed way back when I was in college that when a black man dated a white woman, she was almost always blonde. Likewise, at that time, black women usually only dated blonde white men. If a black person was going to date a white, they wanted to make sure they were extremely and obviously white. I'n not sure this is still true. But I've noticed that advertisers prefer lighter-skinned black women. Half the women in ads in Ebony, you can't tell whether they're white or black. I love all black women regardless of their shade; however, I am an educated, intelligent thinker and have nothing in common with ignorant black women. I date the ones who are educated, articulate, and thughtful. In many people's minds, those are the one who "act white". So be it. Sexyp1, your experiment was priceless! I love it when speculation and opinions are replaced by facts. Thanks for sharing it with us. Noplay, you have given the very best advice of all in a nutshell: BE YOURSELF!

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  33.   Siolav says:
    Posted: 14 Jun 09

    It is now June and I see we are still talking about "choice". From what I see and from my experiance, there is a lot of dating going on with no intentions of going further into deep relationships. This can be hurtful to Black women (others too maybe)because it makes us feel we are not acceptible wife material. We make some of the best wives and I know that within my family divorce is a bit taboo. We make fun family life in spite of what the media portrays us as being. It's all about keeping us seperate. So come on----get rid of your fears and own up.

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  34.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 14 Jun 09

    Salsera77, I hope nothing I said indicated to you that I find you anything less than a mature, intelligent and informed woman. And one who speaks from her experience and heart. It is just so hard for me to grasp a world where the amount of melanin in ones system makes such a difference to people. I'm not unaware. I know it does. It is just so weird. People can and should be attracted to whomever they are. I guess I just wish for a world where folks are open-minded to all the beauty that is part of the world. Deciding not to approach a woman because she is three degrees darker or lighter than cafe au lait makes so little sense to me. But folks do it and have the right to do so. It is just when they make stereotyped decisions in other areas based on their preference that their decisions go beyond what is their "right" and affect the rights of others.

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  35.   Coralane says:
    Posted: 13 Jun 09

    I agree with the majority of this article. I agree that black women are generally percieved at the bottom of the barrel as far as desirable. I would say black men have a much better shot at being with anyone they wanted to. BW have such a bad brand on our race: We're not smart, we're loud, obnoxious, crass, multiple children with multiple fathers, etc. I'm quite partial to white men in general, and live in an area that's 90% white, but bad grounds for interracial dating. My ex and I got constant stares from men who were dating out of their race too! WM/BW is rare, and I get giddy when I see random couples where I go. Sometimes I even introduce myself :) I'm highly intimidated by approaching my preference as well. I also believe that there are so few "stereotypes" with Asian men, that they seem completely invisible in the dating world. I like asian men too, and I can't help but notice how many people of all races seem fantasize and dream with being with "their women". It's a shame-- people don't know what they're missing when they go by stereotype. Even when a certain race has a stigma, at least they're noticed. And there seems to be next to nothing for them to get in the spotlight.

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  36.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 13 Jun 09

    Takes a Man to find a Woman and a Woman to find a Man , Color has nothing to do with True Love / that has to be gained Together .

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  37.   urladylove says:
    Posted: 13 Jun 09

    Well, I think stereotypes definitely play a role in which people others find attractive. But to say that only African-American women are bossy or intimidating is a fallacy. Who a woman becomes has to a lot to do with her upbringing, her life experiences, and how she chooses to define herself. I'm a well-spoken, educated, and confident African-American woman who's values and experiences have shaped who I am today. My self-confidence, determination, and courage to be the best person I can be comes from my Caucasian great-grandmother who raised 7 bi-racial children in a hate-ridden community, my Cherokee great-grandmother who lost family members because of prejudice, a Hispanic Godmother who came to America as an immigrant, and the strong black women in my family who were descendants of African slaves. From the lily-white Mary Busbee to the chocolate Andrea Glaze, these women all had one thing in common-perseverance to make a life for themselves and their families. There is no secret that African-Americans have been at the bottom of the totem pole for a long time. So combined with the stereotypes, discrimination, and various socio-economic factors that may disenfranchise the African-American woman, yes some have had to develop "tough" skin. We're more likely to live in poverty, raise children by ourselves, be victims of crime, less likely to marry, and often live in communities in which opportunities to better yourself are limited. Thus don't dismiss an African-American because of perceptions, what you've heard, etc. Get to know the woman....maybe the demeanor is a facade because we're giving, caring, loving, and hardworking Queens who've often had to carry a lot on our shoulders. Not all of us are angry, bitter, or bossy women. But please note that these adjectives can describe a woman of any race! At the end of the day, we all have these pre-conceived notations about others who are different then we are, but I hope people arent going into relationships because they think a woman is docile, aggressive, or more likely to cook dinner every night because of their race. Please!

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  38.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 13 Jun 09

    When it comes to stereotypes, as people we have a choice to dismiss them or look into them for legitimacy. I once heard someone say, "The lie told long enough becomes an accepted truth!" I have to ask, what's the goal of those who have control of the imagery that's fead to the public? Are they fearful of the raise of BW? Are they threatened by her sense of self worth and desire to belittle her as a means of propping up their own deflated self image? I'm aware of their preception of the BM as a threat but why the attach on BW? Sometimes I believe there's a conspiracy on behalf of those who control the media and other forms of imagery, to depict the BW in such negative terms as a means of getting her to question her own value. When people have low self esteem, they're easily influenced by the perceptions of others and as a result they look for ways to conform to the standards of those who create the image of what the standard is. By implying that BW are the least desireable women on the dating scene and throwing in all the negative stereotypes about BW, is this an attemp to knock her down of of her high horse? Has she become too upity for some, is she daring to define who she is, are other women from other ethnic groups starting to catch this bad case of "BOLDNESS"? What are they going to do with this BW? Some of her own BM is intimidated by her and while others are fasinated by her, they're threatened by her! So, must they try to control her by generating negative images about her hoping they'll crush her spirit and she'll fall back in line? You'll die waiting! I smell a rat or could I be looking too deep into this thing? Peace!

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  39.   salsera77 says:
    Posted: 12 Jun 09

    fkoi, I think I and some of the other women here are pretty mature, intelligent and have had many experiences from which they are speaking. There's nothing wrong with knowing and stating what one wants in a partner. I think I can speak for Many when I say we know this is not a dictatorship. Ummmm...I don't know if All know that, lol, but I digress... For myself I know the difference between a preference and a moral imperative as you say and when I make comments, they are not commands to anyone. I don't expect everyone to take a fancy to me or my points of views but that is a two-edge sword. I don't adore everyone and appreciate everyone's convictions either but I know they have a right to them. It's a free country. We are all trying to enlighten each other on this love/dating/interracial thing drawing from our experiences and believe me I have some doozeys you wouldn't believe. You say we have to be careful? Lololol, You have no idea how circumspect I've been but some of us have earned the right to talk about these things which may be illuminating for newby's. Others are going to quite naturally take what they want and leave the rest. So rest assured.

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  40.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 12 Jun 09

    BTW, it is interesting to note that almost all, if not all, the comments by women on this article are made by Black women (of various hues) and most by men are by White men (also of various hues). Not saying anything there, just saying.

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  41.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 12 Jun 09

    Divide and conquer has always been a sound military/socio-economic strategy. It has worked since the beginning of time. If a group or a group within a group can be targeted as somehow less-than, then others can use that as a springboard to feeling superior. I have my preferences that seem to be hard-wired into my being. I preferred Katy Jurado to Grace Kelly in "High Noon" as a child and couldn't understand why Gary Cooper didn't. At the same time that didn't mean that I felt that the Amy Fowler character was less than the Helen Ramirez character, just that Mrs. Ramirez was prettier (C'mon, I wasn't even 10 when I first saw the movie. That was about as sophisticated I could be at that point!) We become so indoctrinated by the media and infused with an "us versus them" attitude that it is an easy step to think that my preferences are somehow moral imperatives. They aren't. We have to be careful about passing on that impression and we have to be careful about assuming it on ourselves. I miss the classic "tall, dark and handsome" category on at least one (and to some all three) characteristics. Supporting each other rather than smearing each other is key. I see nearly all the colours of the Black and the White spectrum on this blog. Amazingly beautiful women of all hues, many of y'all telling stories of prejudice base on your particular shade, if not your race as a whole. What I see is women whom I would be proud to have on my arm anywhere, anytime. That anyone can see anything different astonishes me (even though it has long ceased to surprise me). For the dudes, I'm sure you are all beautiful in your own way too. It's just not so easy for me to see. LOL

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  42.   btwyme says:
    Posted: 11 Jun 09

    No you weren't, Jimmydea01. I felt the same about Whurr's comment, and that he was so nonchalant about it just makes it worse. Great comments folks. Guys, glad to hear your voice. Particularly loved your POV's Krystyn2003.

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  43.   jns77 says:
    Posted: 11 Jun 09

    It was very interesting to read all these posts. I grew up in a small Midwestern town, originally from India but lived in the U.S. since I was 3. I prefer white men to Indian men because I think they treat their women better in general and I'm more attracted to them. But I also feel guilty I feel that way. And it is a real challenge finding someone to be with, because I don't feel most white men are open to dating me (even though I am very attractive, and I would probably have been happily married with children by now if I had been white). Even in open-minded California where I live, it has been a challenge. I have tried online dating and met a wonderful man but we broke up after a year. It's very frustrating sometimes and I feel there is definitely some miscommunication.

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  44.   Toree18 says:
    Posted: 10 Jun 09

    Kristyn20003 I agree with you, because I've noticed quite a few of us BW have been and still are being negatively stereotyped, but the sad part is we aren't only being negatively stereotyped by societies of other races, we're also being stereotyped by some BM. It appears to be the general concensus that if a BW is strong emotionally & mentally, self sufficent, has progressive self direction,and positively assertive she is LABELED as "too bossy" or some other stereotypical label similar to that. Why is a BW who possess's these qualities always labeled with a negative connotation, and woman of another race with the same qualities is labeled with a positive connotation; such as "she's ambitious?" I would like to know in 2009 why we (BW) are still being negatively labeled? Why are we not suppose to be ambitious, assertive, and have positive self direction? Jimmydea01; It struck me as "odd or weird" what Whurr said too, am I over reacting to a not-funny joke?

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  45.   siiwa says:
    Posted: 08 Jun 09

    the Amen goes to kristyn20003:-)

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  46.   siiwa says:
    Posted: 08 Jun 09

    Amen, sista! best preach ever! u touched my heart. thank u.

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  47.   Jimmydea01 says:
    Posted: 08 Jun 09

    Whuurr- I know you have to be kidding, spending money on certain things, and saying these girls look 11-12, that is kinda creepy, almost like a proud Child Mo-----. But i took it as your joking?

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  48.   salsera77 says:
    Posted: 08 Jun 09

    Good points, Krystyn2003... I like that you've echoed some similar sentiments that I posted on May 25th & 28th. I even use some of the same words and it sounds like you've experienced the same. I felt your similar thoughts fleshed out, bared repeating. I hope you don't mind. __________________________________________________ How many men have gone off to foreign places and have had zero interaction, when given the opportunity, between the men and native women? I think that the American men that reject Black women because of our race and stereotypes attached to that actually lack CONFIDENCE in themselves. What MAN is afraid of a WOMAN? The men that see Black women as a challenge and too independent, may need to check their CONFIDENCE in their manhood and masculinity. ...Or should I say that I respect preference in the sense that a man can simply find a certain look attractive that does not include the diverse beauty of Black women, and it has nothing to do with racial stereotypes or influences. And I mean that. But, for those that are avoiding us due to stereotypes or peer or family influence, I think these men are cowardly and insecure and need to some B&B: balls and backbone. Stereotypes, no matter how we frame them are myths and are fear-based. And generally, people are too lazy or cowardly to find and live out the truth that, at the end of the day, we are all human beings, even though I speak in terms of race. I dont want a man that cant see that and I dont want someone who is WISHY-WASHY about dating Black women. Interracial dating might draw enough fire by itself. But, God forbid that I am saddled with someone who is not firm about where he stands on it. And while I dont want a weak White man, I am not okay that so many White men are avoiding Black women due to racism and/or racial stereotypes. Im never okay with it is what it is or thats just the way it is.

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  49. Posted: 07 Jun 09

    Great points all around. :-) Even while growing up in a very segregated town in Arkansas, I've always been always attracted to non-Black men, even though I did, and still do, find Black men attractive. But, I initially dated Black men, because it was as if there was this message, as was commonplace in that southern culture at that time, that I had a "place" and I should stay in it. So, even when I went to a university that was about 92% White/5% Black and I was BEYOND sick and tired of the seeing the same "color struck" behavior of Black men in college that I had seen in high school, I continued to solely seek Black men as dating options. By the way, I don't care about shades of skin in the Black community and think it is equally ignorant that SOME (most definitely not all) darker-hued Black women take issue with lighter-hued Black women for their skin tone and that SOME (not all) lighter-hued Black women actually think that most darker-hued Black women envy them. I have incredibly beautiful brown skin. :-) I love it and do not desire to be any other shade. And I have awesome girlfriends who are lighter in hue and equally beautiful. In fact, of the 14 of us that get together annually, not one is the exact same shade. On a somewhat side note, reading another blog made me realize that SOME (again, not all) color-obsessed Black men projected THEIR insecurities about skin color onto Black women. Some even made it seem as if one group was better than the other and pitted Black women against each other, whether deliberate or not. But, at the end of the day, we are all accountable for our own behavior. So, those who act ignorant enough to see each other unwarranted as the enemy deserve the angst that goes with that. Sure, the color division practices were wielded largely by White America years ago (and sometimes presently), but it seems to be most firmly and proudly wielded by Black America, also. Anyway, my catalyst for breaking free of the "Black men only" club, was seeing the Black men in college date anything but a Black woman, yet try to take any Black woman to task that dated a man of another race, even if that non-Black man loved and valued her. I got tired of this contrived, BS belief that I was supposed to be loyal to a group of men that didn't reciprocate this loyalty, just because we were of the same race. And I realized that, for the same reason I never felt obligated to go to a historically-black college or university (HBCU) just because I was Black (although individuals have various reasons), I didn't have to date a Black man just because I was Black either. Whats more, I realized that nothing external gauged or validated my blackness. Rather, my "blackness" was internal and eternal and HOWEVER I lived that out, it was authentic. I didn't have to be a certain shade, talk a certain way, etc. Anyway, as I've traveled on this journey of interracial dating some 10+ years ago, my racial consciousness and my propensity to ask "why" alot had me analyzing the dynamics of interracial dating, namely as it entailed Black women. And, after years of believing that most White men aren't interested in us, and still seeing the showing of interest that seems to be predominantly expressed with other races of women, I have come to firmly believe that most men of all races desire Black women. Ive seen plenty of them, especially in the DC metro area, circumspectly looking at Black women when they think we arent looking. And they could be with another woman. Or, theyll go to the extreme and act as if they didnt notice a beautiful Black woman enter the car. Whats funny is that the White women are generally looking us up and down, also. But, a White man looking isnt my only reason for my belief. In slavery, when White men had free reign and the support of the legal system to do with Blacks as they saw fit, it wasn't uncommon for them to enter into sexual relations with us. Black women were their "exotic and submissive" choices. We couldn't talk and fight back without consequence and that continued somewhat even up through the Jim Crow era. Now, all of a sudden we're supposed to believe that there's zero interest in us on the part of White men? I propose that, just as racism and discrimination haven't gone away, but have rather gone underground, the interest in Black women hasn't gone away either. Unfortunately, some of that interest tends to still be sexually based, with no intention of something as honorable as marriage or a long-term relationship forthcoming. And, I think Asian women have knowingly and unknowingly replaced us as the "exotic and submissive" archetypes in White American male culture; but, as far as Im concerned, they can have that title. The difference today seems to be that, in a country still polarized along the lines of Black and White, to the point that even non-Blacks and non-White Americans feel compelled to choose, Asian women are more accepted by White culture as dating and marriage partners. Instead of being outright politically INcorrect and calling Asian women exotic and submissive, the term now employed is feminine. But, I dont believe Asian women are the epitome of femininity or womanhood. Both are mine and any womans from conception. All women, even those within the same racial, ethnic, and cultural groups or with different sexual orientation preferences, express different degrees of femininity. But, no group of women has the monopoly on that word or characteristic. I think its another word used in a racially- and socially- manipulative fashion, like model minority and reverse racism. In essence, its meant more to insult subgroups not in that category, rather than to compliment the group given that label. Moreover, I have a theory that, in the case of some of the White American men who label Asian women as the most feminine the intent is mostly to hide their insecurities about their masculinity. Allow me to explain. I have a basic belief that God created man and woman and anything beyond that, namely race, MAN created, emphasized, and marketed NOT God. How many men have gone off to foreign places and have had ZERO interaction, when given the opportunity, between the men and native women? I think that the American men that reject Black women because of our race and stereotypes attached to that actually lack confidence in themselves. What MAN is afraid of a WOMAN? The men that see Black women as a "challenge" and too independent, may need to check their confidence in their manhood and masculinity. Dont get me wrong. I know there are Black women with a major chip on their shoulder and who will bite a guys had off. And, I can understand having apprehension about that. But, there are Asian and White women who will do the same. Or, theyll feel the emotion, not overtly express anger, yet do something passive aggressive. What bothers me is that so many Black women, and it seems to be starting all over again with young Black girls, are internalizing others' fear and ignorance and defining our beauty, value, worth, etc. upon others perception of us. But, the fear, shame, insecurity AND rejection isnt on us, but on the others that hold our race against us, especially based upon stereotypes. Again, if they just happen to find Asian women attractive, no hierarchy based on race or stereotypes, more power to them. Believe it or not, I understand and respect "preference," even as I believe there is a very thin line between preference and prejudice, including my own. Or should I say that I respect preference in the sense that a man can simply find a certain look attractive that does not include the diverse beauty of Black women, and it has nothing to do with racial stereotypes or influences. And I mean that. But, for those that are avoiding us due to stereotypes or peer or family influence, I think these men are cowardly and insecure and need to some B&B: balls and backbone. Overall, as I mentioned earlier, I think we ARE desired more than not. But, because of so many factors, non-Black men (and even some Black men) it isnt always obvious (and I agree, as the guy said earlier, that women can approach men, also). As a woman with four sisters and who actually sees other women as "sisters" before I see them as "enemies" and "competition," I see the many great qualities of Black women. For one, we are some of the most diehard, loyal, unselfish, nurturing and supportive women on the face of this earth...almost at our expense and demise when it comes to men unworthy of receiving those qualities. And, physically, we generally age well and are the only racial group that encompasses every feature, shade, hair color, etc. Overall, I think we have an incredible amount of strength and would be an asset to any man wise enough to gain us as a mate. That's not to all Black women have it together. And that isnt to say other races of women lack these positive qualities as so many women around the world are going through a LOT of pain, persecution, and oppression, yet still endure. But, I'm speaking of Black women, specifically, because some men seem to want to believe that the positive assets that exist with other races are nonexistent when it comes to Black women. Stereotypes, no matter how we frame them are "myths" and are fear-based. And generally, people are too lazy or cowardly to find and live out the truth that, at the end of the day, we are all human beings, even though I speak in terms of race. I use the racial terms partially out of habit and partially because I find it easier to explain and articulate my experience and some other things. But, the we-are-all-human phrase, while said over and over again and quite cliche-ish, is true. For me, it means that we all laugh, cry, grieve, love, laugh, hurt, hope, dream, bleed, live, die, etc... All of us. I dont want a man that cant see that and I don't want someone who is wishy-washy about dating Black women. Interracial dating might draw enough fire by itself. But, God forbid that I am saddled with someone who is not firm about where he stands on it. And while I dont want a weak White man, I am not okay that so many White men are avoiding Black women due to racism and/or racial stereotypes. Im never okay with it is what it is or thats just the way it is. Too much would still be the same today if others had taken that stance and done nothing. But, I guess we all pick our battles. :-)

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  50.   siiwa says:
    Posted: 07 Jun 09

    hy cocoa70 thanks for answering...i never did online dating before..This site is now the first site i see. but its a little bit difficult, cause most of the men i would be interested in life outsite switzerland.. do u know a goog dating website u could reccomend?

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