What makes online dating tricky?

Posted by Ria, 06 Sep 10

tricky online datingHave you ever wondered why online dating works for some people and not others? Dating habits. And if yours aren’t healthy…

For instance, how do you meet someone online and after the first email, you start wondering how your name will sound with his? Or you start planning how the two of you will spend thanksgiving and all other holidays you honor? Given the way people pretend to be Prince Charmings online, trust me, this is not a road you want to keep taking after every un-responded email.

And why would you want to focus on someone who – after telling you how he wants to take you to the moon, or how you are the best thing that ever happened to her and how crazy she is about you, he or she is still pursuing other online daters? Clearly, this is someone with truth allergies. If you make excuses for such people who want to spend the rest of their lives with you and not only you (but Jane, James…), then it means you have lost focus of why you are dating online. Unless you are just there to have crazy fun and aren’t looking for commitment, then look for action-focused individuals - not just wordy fellas. So if someone’s words don’t compliment actions, then something just aint right!

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

I wonder what gave people the idea of searching for the very perfect one online. I mean, its like with online dating, most people get soooo superficial… narrowing their search by looks and money. Most people get blinded by these things that they fail to notice their ‘perfect prospective mate’ is a person of no substance. When you meet someone online who just looks like your type, it’s so easy to get sucked into this ‘type’ mentality, all the while ignoring all the red flags and inner values this person may or may not possess. Have an open mind and give people fair chances.

“But we have sooo much in common!” Question is: Do you have common interests that can build a decent and lasting relationship? Do these things you claim to have in common add any value to the relationship you are trying to cultivate? Don’t be shocked when you realize that what you thought you have in common is of no importance to a solid relationship.

Online dating requires boundaries and trusting of your instincts and judgment. Why get invested in someone you clearly have no reason to invest in? If someone does something that sets off some red flag, weed the person out accordingly. If someone sends you nude shots immediately after a discussion on gardening, that doesn’t mean you do the same, especially if it undermines what you stand for. If someone tells you they love you after a few chat lines, it doesn’t mean you do the same! Boundaries people! Boundaries! That way, you respect yourself and get respect in return. Plus your boundaries will somehow weed out jokers and you’ll end up with a few serious people to focus all your energies on.

If you have a vital question that is pressing you, or that will assist you in deciding whether a person is worth dating, ask it. Don’t let the fantasies you have of some person deter you from asking these questions for fear of hearing something that might change your mind about them. Much as it will be hard to deal with the knowledge that the person you have had an imaginary wedding with is actually married with kids, at least you will have the knowledge to assist you in making future decisions about this person. The things people talk about during the initial stages of dating are usually about what attracted them to each other. Once you are past this stage, ask questions that will assist you in knowing whether the initial impression you have of them is correct. Please ask these ‘uncomfortable’ questions before you become emotionally invested lest you get your heart broken.

Most people have very high expectations when it comes to online dating. Just like any other form of dating, online dating is real life… no fairy tales. Much as it’s ok to get excited doesn’t mean you will instantly meet ‘The One’. It takes patience, persistence, more patience, consistency, sound judgment and instincts. Take it slow. Online dating isn’t an instant remedy for the bar scene you are sick of. If you met jackasses at the bar, there are other jackasses online too. So don’t lose hope. Patience, persistence, consistency…

Don’t seem too eager to settle down. I mean, you can’t talk about marriage, kids and how one of you has to relocate after just 20 minutes of initial online contact. You will definitely set red flags on the other person’s receiving end. If you are already talking about “we” as if you have been dating for years – before you’ve even meet this person – you’ll end up freaking this person out. Much as it ok to let someone know how serious you are, don’t come off spooky and stalkish. There is a fine line between eagerness and desperation and you will either scare off people or get taken advantage of. Don’t cross that line!

And just because at the heat of the moment you ended up sending someone a nude photo of yourself doesn’t mean you stick around with a person who clearly things aren’t working out. Please don’t justify a crappy online affair with some emotional or cyber-sexual investment. It’s easier to cut off ties than keep looking for diamonds where only gemstones are found. In the long run, stringing along a bad relationship because of guilt or emotional investment is worse than cutting the ties off at once. If you feel too emotionally invested, imagine how worse you will feel when you finally realize you should have walked away earlier. It’s like when you know you have made a bad financial investment, the sooner you reinvest in something viable, the sooner you will recover from it. Investing more of your time means losing more. Don’t make excuses for sticking around. If you feel it aint working, MOVE ON!

Final words: Don’t indulge in blaming yourself and over analyzing an online relationship gone bad. You will always find something to blame yourself for. And self blame leads to lack of assertiveness. How do you expect to move forward when all you feel like crap? Trust me, every online interaction you have cannot result in a lasting relationship. So don’t look at it as rejection. Dust yourself and move on.

Just like with other relationships, bar hookups and dates, unless you address underlying issues that deter you from having lasting relationships, trust me, these unresolved behaviors will follow you even in online dating. Whatever your reasons are for dating online, deal with your baggage first. That way, online dating may not seem so tricky after all… it’s just like any other form of dating.

All the best!

13 responses to "What makes online dating tricky? "

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  1.   llmoss1968 says:
    Posted: 18 Feb 11

    I am like Serenity33. I ask the direct/forward/controversial questions within days of initial contact from a suitor. I tell them ahead of time, if what I am asking is deemed too forward or direct, then I will not be the right fit for what you need and vice versa. This has helped me to not waste time for the most part. @Lissy38... I had a gentleman that I was corresponding with to tell me after about a week of initial contact that he could not continue to talk with me if I were going to continue to be online with other gentlemen. His intellect is fabulous, he has an honorable profession and we had many commonalities..but we had not even met. The end for him. He has since contacted me, however, he does not receive any replies. @Empress26-intuition does not lie....please continue to trust your inner feelings. @Widow66.... View a man's profile that might peek your interest...but DO NOT send him a flirt. This site is set up for people to see who has viewed them. If he has an interest, then he will contact you. This is a new kind of way to still be old-fashioned.. Trust me..it works. Well wishes to you all......

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  2.   Lissy38 says:
    Posted: 01 Dec 10

    I have done the whole online thing for about 7 weeks now...its been interesting to say the least...what I have found is that when you start talking to a guy they then expect you to be the only guy that you are talking to...I mean, its a dating website right...im not going to put all my eggs in one basket..im looking for my best mate and the only way is to talk to many guys so that you can see...when i tell guys that im talking to others they either walk away or have a hissy fit....thats what ive found tricky about online dating...ive come across some really great guys and the usual ones who profess their love in the first 3 sentences, which is totally a turn off!...ive had the nude shots and dudes that strip on the webcam, its ridiculous...but thats online...i like to meet up as soon as so i can get a feel for them in person, or if theyre in another country then i like skype them straight away, that way you can get another sense of who they are....but online is a fantasy, you need to spend alot of time in person with someone to really get to know them and see if they are right for you....

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    • Soulfeelin says:
      Posted: 05 Jan 11

      It is frustrating how once you get correspondence with someone you feel has values in common, you may get one or two emails and then, the getting to know process halts; Are people impatient, lazy or...? Investing in learning about another and relating takes time and True intention. There are not enough black men in Australia on these sites and even those who say they would relocate, well, saying it and meaning it can be very different. Strong intention is required to percevere;

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  3.   widow66 says:
    Posted: 16 Oct 10

    i like what was written because alot of the men profile that i have read seem to think that people are perfect well they are not.and i think alot of the white guys want a black women only to have sex with i was married to a older white guy from 1986 until oct 2004 when he passed we met through a pen pal club.and lets be honest people say what you need to say like the song say.i am trying this on line thing but its not working out because i am honest i know what i want i do not go by the looks the money ect .i belive in old fashioned love i wonder what has happened to it you see the white guys good lookin with the sisters thats real pretty to i read them all then i try to pick out someone that i have something in common with i would go out with the phanthom of the opera without his mask as long as hes a christian and treated me like i was the only woman in the room i.ve flirted with some that did not even have the decent to say hi back i say hi back to everyone that sends me a flirt people have changed alot since i last dated.wow.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 24 Oct 10

      Avoid those just going for sex if you are not by going right to discussing the deepest things you can online because you have that buffer of having it online and not having to say it in person. I personally have said everything online that I say in public but most people wont. They say one thing online and another thing in person. That is why it is good to get at the deepest most controversial things in your life as soon as possible. That is why I get straight to the worst things about me or most controversial things about myself online so that it weeds out people who are pretending online to be better than they are in real life. I admire honesty on and off line no matter how blunt and thats how I roll. Bring up the most important issues in your life and find out what the other person online thinks about it and if they are not of a like mind, they will quickly loose interest and move on to someone else they feel is more what they want. That way you can avoid some of the pitfalls of online dating. If you are just looking for a hookup or something shallow, then dont worry about getting into anything deep. But no matter what, never loose your assertiveness but always try to maintain an attitude of respect whether you like the person or agree with them or not because you can break away nicely and just agree that you arent compatible and that is totally fine. Everyone is different in the world and looking for different things so keep looking and keep it real until you find what you are looking for in a person. So women if you are tired of men just making sexual remarks and looking for sex, hit them with the deepest things you can and discuss with them deeper things. And keep it up and eventually if they are after sex, they will lose interest. But check your profile carefully to make sure you are not giving mixed signals because guys are quick to read into things you say and make them sexual so you have to be pretty blunt and honest if you are not after sex. If you are, then you should be a kid in a candy store because there are plenty guys on here just with fetishes that are just looking for sex. Just make clear in your profile what you are really looking for and shoot down the players if they are hitting on you just because of your picture. And make sure your profile is long and detailed about what you want so you can weed out the undesirables.

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    • Empress26 says:
      Posted: 17 Jan 11

      I have been on this site for almost one month now. There have been guys flirting with me sending me emails etc... I decided to get to know this one guy now the very first couple days of chatting we did very often, every second of the day i would get texs messages and we will also talk on the phone. Couple days after the texs stop the phone calls stop, when he did tex it was just a few lines nun special, so i knew something was wrong, i ask him if everything was ok he said yes, then why he no longer talks to me as before he said nun had change. Now seriously if someone is used to getting a certain amount of attention from that person thyre dating and all of a sudden it's not the same you would know sum is wrong. I hate it when someone cant get over whatever there ex did to them, am not your ex don't judge me based on your past experiences. Then again as my profile says my honesty gets me in trouble, i dont have time for time wasters.If am feeling like us talking aint getting no where then that's it. I have talk to other ladies and men who agree with me in saying that there are some people on this site who figures that when one is from a smaller country than theres such as the Caribbean they look down upon them, One being born in a different country from someone else dont means that they have lesser values than anyone else.. We all have to be very careful on online dating, allot of people arent here for love but are here for hook ups, or to full fill one desires of what it would be like dating someone from another background.Get to know that person very well before you start imagine your life with them, ask the right questions, be firm and let it be known what your looking for what you want to accomplish. Honesty people and dont expect because you say you like me i should just stop being on the site..plz if you really are into me and want me to yourself and we really do click and have allot in common and interest then fine lets work with that. Take time to get to know that person and we all need to be very careful.... good luck to everyone...

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      • Mermaid246 says:
        Posted: 30 Jan 11

        +girlfriend gosh....u hit it right on target...especially the part about all the initial attention and conversation then for no apparent reason it just begins to dwindle.... I have found this to be true for more than one man on this site...... what a waste of valuable time and effort and ladies be careful some of their most favorite known applicants are indeed alleged I believe r scammers.

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  4. Posted: 10 Oct 10

    what makes it tricky? the time wasters, if you are very thorough in what you want , dont come to me all sexual. if I didnt state that, what makes you think I want to be that way with you? some people think this is some fetish site. its so annoying.

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  5.   Sk1963 says:
    Posted: 10 Oct 10

    I read only the first paragraph of this post. One does not have to be on an online dating site to fantasize about last name, or planning one's future with someone you met online, and someone you hardly know at all. I have heard of women(I think men do it too), who would meet someone in person for the first time and have a future planned out with that person. Perhaps people who subscribe to online dating sites should remember to be realistic!

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  6.   Soltis says:
    Posted: 04 Oct 10

    The article touched on some of my ideas on weeding. I have found that by setting the tone initially, sarcasm, witty & humor, when appropriate, sitting & wondering why I am looking at this person, goes out the window. Thankfully, my preconceived notions do not include forever after, dinner together on the next holiday or wanting to see nude pictures before I know your middle name & how to spell it. Hopefully, Mr. Right or Right Now will show up soon or...midnight bowling will have to do.

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  7.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 19 Sep 10

    Exactly what I am referring to sweetness. You get to know them first online and if you can't along with them online, the odds are quite low that you will get along with them in person. Wise move on your part. I hope you find Mr. Right.:-)

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  8.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 06 Sep 10

    Go right for discussing the deepest things you can online because you have that buffer of having it online and not having to say it in person. I personally have said everything online that I say in public but most people won't. They say one thing online and another thing in person. That is why it is good to get at the deepest most controversial things in your life as soon as possible. That is why I get straight to the worst things about me or most controversial things about myself online so that it weeds out people who are pretending online to be better than they are in real life. I admire honesty on and off line no matter how blunt and that's how I roll. Bring up the most important issues in your life and find out what the other person online thinks about it and if they are not of a like mind, they will quickly loose interest and move on to someone else they feel is more what they want. That way you can avoid some of the pitfalls of online dating. If you are just looking for a hookup or something shallow, then don't worry about getting into anything deep. But no matter what, never loose your assertiveness but always try to maintain an attitude of respect whether you like the person or agree with them or not because you can break away nicely and just agree that you aren't compatible and that is totally fine. Everyone is different in the world and looking for different things so keep looking and keep it real until you find what you are looking for in a person.

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    • sweetness102 says:
      Posted: 15 Sep 10

      I came back to the site after finding that I had not found Mr. Right after all. I don't believe in blasting people in blogs so I will not go into detail. I just hope he and I can remain friends. It's good that he and I got the chance to have our first spat before ever meeting face to face because it went downhill quickly. My profile is on target and maybe he just ignored my message.

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