“My Son is dating a white girl!!”
“I’m so torn. I’ve always thought that people should be with who ever they love, no matter what color, religion or regardless of what other people think or say, but…” This is what I heard after I answered a phone call. If it was anyone else I would have to wonder if there was some prejudice in their heart that they just haven’t come to grips with. But, we’re talking about my oldest dearest friend. Her comments and my reaction was an eye opener for us both.
Let me start by telling you a little about my friend. She was the one person in high school that everyone knew and liked. Like many schools then and now…the cafeteria was indiscriminately segregated with black students at one table and whites at another. She was the lone little chocolate chip sitting in the middle of the vanilla wafers. While many where out there enjoying the sounds of hip hop and R&B, she would be listening to the Eagles, Barry Manilow and Elton John. She has dated more white guys than black, although she did end up marrying a brother, twice. Even now she lives in a predominately white neighborhood and her children attend a predominately white school. So, tell me why was she surprised and dare I say upset, when her sixteen year old son started…dating a white girl?
After I got over my initial shock and reminded her of ALL the white guys that she dated (by name and physical description…cause that’s what good friends do). I asked her if she would feel the same if her teenage daughter were to date or even marry a white guy and her response surprised me. She said “NO”! Huh, why the double standard? Why would her daughter dating a white guy be okay, and her son dating a white girl be so troubling to her?
Well, as a young girl she spent the majority of her childhood in mixed company. However, her parents, grand-parents, aunts, uncles, all of their friends were all in relationships with people of their own race. In fact, she was the first one in her family (that she knew of), that ever dated someone of a different race. She grew up seeing, hearing and feeling the joy and pain of those relationships. When she looks back all she remembers is that “ALL” the men had affairs and outside children, and most of the women were not very happy. It was if they all had “settled”.
Somehow, she translated this to if her daughter had more choices she would have a better chance at finding the happiness that eluded her mother’s generation. As for her son, honestly, she thinks that he is such an amazing young man, with so many great characteristics like loyalty, honesty, and gratitude. He is such a first-class “young man” that in her eyes; it seems unfair that yet “another” black woman may not have the opportunity to know the love of a strong black man.
It’s not that she has a problem with the young lady being white; it’s just that she know what it’s like to be a young black female and not have AS MANY choices when it comes to dating black men. Immediately I think of the young girls in Africa that were selected to attend Oprah’s school, created especially for them. I wonder about how fortunate they all are to receive such an amazing life-changing gift of knowledge, education and opportunity. Then I think about our young black, well educated American women…who will they love? Who will love them?
There is no secret that we have more black men in prison than in college. More are killed than live to retire. My friend wants her daughter to be able to select the best man for her regardless to what color he is. See, I think that sometimes prejudice isn’t about hate for another race, but the love of yourself and the deep desire to want the best choices for the people we love…regardless.
The truth of the matter is…”my friend”, doesn’t really care who her son dates as long as she cares for him and treats him and herself with respect and dignity. She’s not expected to “make” him happy, but, add to his happiness. In the big picture, her race isn’t important, it’s just another aspect of a young relationship that may or may not make it to prom season.
The big eye opener for me was learning that somewhere inside us all is that little boy or girl that’s holding on to past feelings, regrets or hopes that if we’re not careful, can manifest themselves in unhealthy and unproductive thoughts and actions that we pass on to our children. In my perfect world we would all love each other with no regard to the color of our skin. I just hope that we are around long enough to live there…in my perfect world!
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gr8 article indeed and i totally agree with the sentiments… this whole notion of “…not too many choices amongst our black brothers…” is accross the board…
am in South Africa and as educated and career successful women – we are seriously struggling to find the “right” black man…
i guess hence i’m on this site…
interesting
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Hello Cocokisses,Mossimo and Fala.
I’m back. Thanks. Ive missed you too.
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Well that was an awesome article. I’m sure there are going to be more good ones on this site. I am new here so hello to all who read this. I guess one of the things that we all can learn from this “interracial dating” thing is this, when my grandmother was alive she taught me to treat people the way that I wanted to be treated. Unfortunately not all people follow that same rule. I am an American black man who just happens to live in a predominately white neighborhood. My son and daughter are two of the 20 black kids in their school. I’m so glad that I taught them what my grandmother taught me…”we treat people the way we want to be treated”!
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Thanks Fala for your support. I took your advice and did ask. He considered his son bi-racial, and so does his son. He said his son has the best of both worlds. So i guess it wasnt as hard as i had thought. Thanks again, much luv.
p.s I couldnt find the site to post my comment, i got my ans. back in Oct.
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I feel that my personal choice in that I choose to date mainly white women stems from my personality, the way I talk, speak, and my general manners. My black women have passed me over and I find myself more accepted by white women than I do with black women. I don’t hate on any black women for being with a white man but I feel that some black women think that we owe them as a race to date only within our race. I believe this a wrong idea because oftentimes it is that interracial attraction and interest that makes two people of different colors more exciting, vibrant, more exotic, erotic, and many times I have often heard that white women even prefer black men if they get a good black man who will treat them right. I think in how a black man is treated by black women may be the reason why so many black men go for white women, they are looking for something that black women do not do for them or they are looking for white women because maybe they feel that sexually white women have known to be less inhibitied in expressing their sexual feelings and doing things to turn a black man on. On the other side of the coin it is common knowledge that the majority of adult entertainment stars are hot and beautiful white women because many black women do not put themselves out there like that and they feel that their bodies and what they do sexually with a man is more of a private thing. I could list a ton of reaosns why I like white women but then again many black men can also list a ton of reasons of why they choose to white men. So you can go back forth with that argument until you are blue in the face. The bottom line is no one should be hated upon just because they prefer to date outside of their race, as long as two people love each other and treat each other with mutual respect then who cares what the racists think? Let them alone in their own world.
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Fala is really Dear Abby in disguise
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why when we are in the year 2008 are ppl still not over the past? I myself am a white female that dates black men and I do not see that there is any difference, nor why some people should have a problem with whom i choose to date or their ethnicity!!
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my son married a white girl. they are having my first grandchildild in august. my daughter in law feels that i talk about color too much. guess what, shes gonna really hear it when that baby is born. she is a really plain looking girl. my son is very handsome. i think he settled because she took care of him. shes alright. we really don’t have a relationshiop neither with my son. its alright. i pray for them and the baby. she has a drinking good relationship with her parents. her dad is a drunk , you know a functional alcoloc. they appear to love my son. that’s good. i am proud of my heritage and i know the stock i came from . my son knows this also which is why i was really surprised that he wanted to marry his wife. don’t get me wrong, i love all people. i was rascistover 40 years ago. i did not have the grace my parents did growing up in the south. i think they were better people about this thing. but now im gonna be a graandma. im excited abouit it. he going to be a beautiful baby. God bless you. i have dated white, latino and carribean men. all different. all had their quirks. so goes the human race. I love all men and i love the God in them.
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Interesting discussion topic.
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Well, point number one, there is only one race, the human race. Point number 2, it is amazing to hear the various opinions of ‘gave x ethnicity a chance and they didn’t do the job’ or ‘most of x ethnicity is in jail’-it is as though there are images in some folks minds that they have to fight with, as well as dealing with whether their children are or are not, dating someone of another ethnicity. That is the sad thing.
The hopeful thing, is that there are those who don’t have the opinions above, don’t regard happiness as ‘doing a job’ or ‘there are no “good ones” around’
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first, & foremost; I wish to commend the writer. Of their indepth perspective. this is the exact type of material that our youth need to be circulated. As we know so many of them aren’t exposed to positve images… I plead with you to continue to provide this non bias information… Congratulations…
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Hmmm.
Another article attacking Black people.
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There is no secret that we have more black men in prison than in college. More are killed than live to retire. My friend wants her daughter to be able to select the best man for her regardless to what color he is. See, I think that sometimes prejudice isn’t about hate for another race, but the love of yourself and the deep desire to want the best choices for the people we love…regardless.
The cut and paste above is the hidden misguided and abused truth in this kind of IR Opinion. It seeks first to diminish the reality of racism to favor ones choices and secondly it suggest to others as a reasoning to those choices…
The larger fact being that the black female does live a double standard when it comes to IR and that more or less “you go girl” when it comes to her sisters and negatives when it comes to her brothers……
The majority of those that date IR have a predisposition to do so and that profound when it comes to black and white. That why the most of the topics on IR will be concerning black and whites. The sad reality is that many of the reasons for IR dating or simply not good reasons and they tend to further complicate the matter. The fact that black men are used as a step ladder and doorway to these relaitonships not only furthers the problem they create a rift in the black poulation that is long over due for a fix.
None of us male or female date for or because of another and that including our IR relationships. If and when these relationships and the individuals that indulge them take on the reposibility for their actions as well as the factual reality of IR many of its issues will be resolved or at least have a beginning.
While it remains to be said to be the result of a shortage of black men, the long standing stereo types and more often left out ” a game os status hide and seek ” Ir’s will be problamatic and chore for those that indulge them……
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“There is no secret that we have more black men in prison than in college.”
JL: That is NOT true.
A review of the research that started that myth indicates that “the sample for college-age Black men was limited to 18-22 year-olds….while the prison sample ranged from 18-65.”
How easy it is to fool the public….because few take the time to examine the methodology, samples, etc.
Non-traditional Black male students like myself would NOT have been included in this study.
I also strongly suggest another review of the common belief that “70% of Black children are raised in single-parent homes.”
The CNN special, “Blacks in America,” provided a stat conveying that “46% of Black women have never been married.”
That number supports similar stats.
If 46% have never been married, what does that mean?!
It means that “54% are either married or divorced.”
Thus, that puts that “70%” figure in a much different light.
Many of those children are being raised in homes where there is either a single-parent who never married or the parent is divorced.
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People come on God sees no color or age when it comes to love. Don’t look at people as black and white. God created us in his likness which is called HUMAN RACE. Society put lables on color not Jesus. You don’t know what man or woman God has ordained for you to be with. He doesn’t care about skin color, age, rich or poor. God is Love.
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miss you Jade
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I don’t care what the race is as long as they date and respect my daughter like they would there own race even if I had sons i would feel the same. I have all races in my family I have a white sister in law, my nephew is married to a Mexican, I have a brother dating a white female. I never had an interest in dating out of my race, but I have spoken with many and I sometime think about ti more now so it is ok as long as the love and respect is there
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I think that the article was interesting and well-written but was fascinated by the many comments posted.
I’m a white male who has had relationships with ladies of many different etcnic backgrounds over the years. I’ve never considered race to be an item of concern. I’m much more interested in the person and our relationship, whatever it may be. There is no race component in the words lady, woman, daughter, wife, or lover as far as I’m concerned.
I’ve also helped raise a young lady of black and hispanic descent. Her father is a convicted child offender serving time in a state prison and her mother kicked her out of the house when she was still in high school. This was during a period when the father was between prison terms. This young lady has not had an easy life.
We have no blood relationship but she considers me her Dad and I consider her my daughter. When she comes home from school on holidays and breaks, she comes to my house. She just graduated from college in December and is currently pursuing a post-graduate degree in nursing. She makes me proud to be in her life.
I don’t see race. I see people.
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