When settling in marriage leads to contempt

Posted by Ria, 02 Jul 08

Sometimes giving ultimatums aint the best thing to do.

This 42-year-old man was given an ultimatum to marry her wife (then girlfriend) or she would leave. He figured, why not. I mean he had never been married before so this seemed the best thing to do after weighing his options:His career was in tatters – it has been for several years - and the woman didn’t seem to care. So for fear of probably never finding his ideal woman (and breaking the world record of the oldest bachelor alive) he settled for her. In his worlds, “I settled for hamburger thinking I might never get steak᾿.

Much as his wife has all good qualities - great cook, looks OK, stays in shape and would never cheat on him, a dude just feels a lack of excitement around her ... the sex too! And now she wants a baby. She is 39 … Tick! Tock! Tock! Dude isn’t feeling this baby vibe and is scared of having sex with her.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

Much as they don’t live together after a year of marriage (she lives in Canada, he lives in the U.S.), he feels he might be harboring a slight resentment that she forced him into marriage, is forcing him to start a family and she is keeping him from EVER finding his ideal woman. TRAPPED is the word I have been looking for.

What advice so you have for him?

26 responses to "When settling in marriage leads to contempt"

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  1.   Member says:
    Posted: 13 May 10

    I'm not much into reading, but somehow I got to read lots of articles on your blog. Its amazing how interesting it's for me to visit you really often.

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  2.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 12 May 09

    @ southernmoca Now that's the "God's Honest Truth!"

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  3. Posted: 11 May 09

    Allow me, if you will, to play devil's advocate. Sometimes, just sometimes, we seek perfection A+, an impossible dream that no one can aspire to in the mate we want to live with forever. I believe that despite the bad grammar of the writer of this article, there are some specifics that are omitted that contribute to this bad situation that we the readers are not aware of at this time. Before the female conveyed the ultimatum, I venture to say she had other habits that would have motivated a red flag but the male refused to acknowledge them. Of course sometimes we as imperfect humans seek something that just isn't attainable. How many times have we all seen couples where the mate that is left behind seems to be absolutely perfect in every way and yet they find themselves divorced and alone and awe struck not knowing what happened or why. I say this to say, that not all of the blame lies on the woman in this article. I was told by my Uncle that there are three sides to every story; the man's version, the woman's version and the truth.

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  4.   suzyq says:
    Posted: 10 Nov 08

    exactly what does this guy want what is his "ideal" woman? -(great cook, stays in shape,won't cheat on him" what does he consider steak They seem already separated, they need a marriage therapist

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  5.   suzyq says:
    Posted: 10 Nov 08

    exactly what does this guy want? what is his "ideal" woman? -(great cook, stays in shape,won't cheat on him" what does he consider steak? They seem already separated, they need a marriage therapist

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  6.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 04 Sep 08

    for those who committ half heartedly are lying..if you think that you are waiting for something better to take off..then you are in the wrong institution

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  7.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 16 Aug 08

    I agree with you Pia..most of the marriages are failing due to ultimatums...who said that marriage is a prison? Let this guy get some fresh air plssss...

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  8.   Pia65 says:
    Posted: 15 Aug 08

    Marriage vows.......When you say "I Do"...mean that you've made the best possible choice of a mate for life! To start a marriage out with an ULTIMATUM is DOOMED for FAILURE!!! No wonder almost everyone we meet nowadays is DIVORCED!!! Its sad to think that perhaps some of them may have settled for less than what they really wanted....And to add children in the mix? Well, I'd have to say that they are the ULIMATE victums who suffer in that type of marriage. This truly sounds like a marriage should NEVER have taken place!!!

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  9.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 14 Aug 08

    OMG...as much as the guy never had a gun to his head while marrying this lady...he was a coward coz ultimatums don't kill....Love is either there or not..for this guy, his is an illusion..my advice, face the music and tell this lady off..stop wasting yr golden years

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  10.   Rob1364 says:
    Posted: 13 Jul 08

    Someone who settles really needs to be honest with themselves first. It is selfish to steal time from someone when you really do not want to be with them. People like that don't get involved for love but because they want someone else to be responsible for their happiness. They usually seek out someone vunerable because no one else wants them in the condition they're in. As soon as something better comes along they're out leaving the other person devastated.

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  11.   Gundo says:
    Posted: 11 Jul 08

    It looks like a classic.... I would ask the guy wether he is, deep inside, really happy with how and who he is. And before hearing the answer, I would bet (silently) that he is not. Regardless of the answer, I would ask him what he thinks about the idea, that his feelings and his attitude towards his wife somehow reflect his feelings and his attitude towards himself - the same appreciation (or lack thereof), the same ambivalence... If so, this would be my advice: You want a steak? First BECOME a steak. If you feel you can't, find ways to become content being the hamburger YOU ARE. And this I mean honestly, not derogatively. I also would tell him, that if he didn't come to terms with this issue, I would see him continuing an increasing unhappy marriage or, if he breaks up, in a years time or so he would likely find himself in the next awkward relationship... Now, concerning his wife, I'd ask him, wether he has ever really opened up to her, ever really tried to explain himself as far as he has ideas and words. If not, I would suggest to him, that now, perhaps with some new insights, it might be a good moment to try it. This mainly for one reason: Successfully relating to her could change a lot, including how he perceives her. COULD - he also should be prepared, that it either doesnt work, or that it will result in a split-up... Whatever the outcome, he should accept it. The bottom line is: Honestly look at how you feel and deal with yourself. If you find any serious discontent, FIX THIS, if possible, first - a good relation to yourself is ONE prerequisite for a good relationship with a partner...

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  12.   ayaka says:
    Posted: 11 Jul 08

    Taking responsibility for your feelings is key to relationship success and longevity,,,,,,,take your time and try not to be in arush for this will help both of you learn some hidden ""SWOT"" analysis of each other and it helps you to decide weather you can cope with it or you can not,,,, the power of patients will help you leave ahappiest relationship ever. recognise the problem? in most cases we make mistakes and tend to ignore the problem that affects us emotionally and interlectually in our relationships,,,,make God the foundation of your relationship all will be fine ,,,praying for you God bless!!!!!

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  13.   avidreader says:
    Posted: 10 Jul 08

    i think everyone is being way to hard on this lady of discussion. although i can see why because the letter is very bias. this guy whomever he is im sure did not go to the alter with a gun to his head. he should have been an adult in the beginning and told her he didnt want a commitment and let her persue something for her. obviously he knew from the beginning he didnt want her so why was he still there? she had every right to ask for a commitment if thats what she needed, and he had every right to say no. he sounds really selfish to me.

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  14.   thick_lover says:
    Posted: 10 Jul 08

    Personally, this situation could easily be the reverse. I disregard the ultimatum as being that important, other than the fact it forced a decision. The decider -- in this case a man -- was forced to make a decision millions have made since the dawn of time. Here's the question: you have an idea of what you want, call it A or a fuzzy A, if you are not 100% clear on what you want. B is encountered -- many good qualities -- you wouldn't give B a second thought if B didn't have them. But B is not A. You have a decision to make. This can be a very difficult decision. IF you never meet A -- either doesn't exist, or you just don't have the compatibilty or luck or whatever -- in other words, you do not get A -- you might have missed on a reasonable chance to be happy, because B may not be as plentiful either -- plus B is now, A is potential. It is classic Aesop's Fox & the Grapes, without the rationalization of the Fox at the end. But many do go to that end, or shrug their shoulders, or learn to love B, or a hundred other coping mechanisms people do. Or they end up causing pain to themselves, B, and others. Again, I feel for the guy (or any guy / girl in such a situation -- more common than we think, in my view.

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  15.   LoveMyJeans says:
    Posted: 09 Jul 08

    He settled for hamburger thinking he might never get steak?? Well....so did she. Both allowed a lack self-esteem, and fear to dictate one of the most important decisions of their life. His resentment of her should be geared toward himself. She gave him a choice. He could have let her go...period. He CHOSE to marry her. And she gets to live with the fact that she had to "force" the guy to marry her. She will alway question, "Does he really love me, or just "out of options". Plus, if this guy's "career" ever gets "untattered", OR "steak" does come along, he will be heading out for a pack of cigs and never coming back. This is so sad for both of them.

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  16.   hotrod2009 says:
    Posted: 08 Jul 08

    I agree with mossimo36, he needs to not just be a man but be a human. No man or woman should stay in a relationship if they are not happy. Not all relationships end in happily ever after. I believe that we all have had our heart broken once or twice. The question is would he rather stay married to her and be unhappy the rest of his life. Or take the chance by ending the marriage and possibly finding his true love and soul mate for happily ever after.

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  17. Posted: 07 Jul 08

    He should be honest. Because happiness is being content with what you have, he is obviously unhappy and unwilling to feel content with what he has. As for the ultimatum, his wife was trying to deal with a problem by DEMANDING a solution. Let's face it, no one wants to feel forced into making a decision, perhaps he should stop being immature and set the record straight so that his wife won't mistake his lack of commitment for indecisiveness. I see that she is a strong woman to not dump him and look elsewhere. I also see that she settled for less herself.

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  18. Posted: 03 Jul 08

    Well put Dalyna and Morningflower - It's sickening.. that's what it is. Thanks for the "lessons learned" JIB -and best of luck to you.

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  19.   dalyna says:
    Posted: 03 Jul 08

    This is a very unfortunate incident. It's crazy how this "ultimatum" mentality is so common among women (when I say "common", I don't mean that the majority of women think like this. I've heard of one too many cases. In my opinion 1 case is one too many). What level of insanity do you have to be on to believe that after giving a man an ulimatum to propose....that he's SINCERE in wanting to be with you for the rest of his life? Fantasy World. I'm tired of women who live in his magical place and make all women look like mentally unstable emotional individuals. On second thought...I think they KNOW the man isn't sincere. They're just so desperate not to become an old maid that they think being in a marriage where the man isn't sincere is better than being unwed at an old age... how selfish....... I mean...I think if a woman is in a relationship that she feels is not leading up to marriage in the time she deems appropriate....she has two primary options; and that is to wait it out (which does not include dropping hints about marriage) or leave and start a whole new relationship. People get so involved with a particular person sometimes they think there is no body else in the world out there better...even when they're unhappy. Like the man in this situation.... very unfortunate

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  20.   JIB says:
    Posted: 03 Jul 08

    I understand why this guy might feel as he does. While I did NOT settle in my currently ending marriage I did suffer through 5 or 6 ultimatums that ultimately (pun intended) caused the love and hence the marriage to die. Anyone in any kind of relationship needs to seriously consider the consequences before making, or acceding to, an ultimatum. You have to be willing to live with the consequences and if you can't then you have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to simply say no. It's not always the easiest thing to do, but I now believe, in retrospect, that's it is the best thing to do. Ken

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  21.   Nandi says:
    Posted: 03 Jul 08

    mossimo, She is already living in a fantasy land by way of her insistance on marriage and children, she is definitely one sided and on a mission of her own, he is just a man without a backbone...People like her, sees what they want to see and that is it...

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  22.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 03 Jul 08

    What possible good can come of a relationship that one party does not really want? The guy needs to man up and just end it if he truly does not want to be with her. I am sure the initial shock and pain to her will be far less than finding out she was living a lie for years upon years

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  23.   Sean01 says:
    Posted: 02 Jul 08

    How does he get to be in Ca and she is in US? I've heard of sleeping in different rooms, but this is ridiculous...

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  24.   trina says:
    Posted: 02 Jul 08

    Whatever you do you, you should do it with your whole heart. The idea of starting a family should be something both partners equally want. This couple should have spoken about what expectations and things that were very important to them while DATING. You should never marry anyone that you even have slight doubts about wanting a real future with. Most people have this concern of having someone to grow old with. There is no reason to have a baby with someone beccause of guilt or pressure. All children should be born with both parents having only their best interest at heart...meaning a happily married couple in a stable loving environment. Having a child with your current spouse you will only bring unneccesary emotional harm to the kid and strain to a new relationship. Your past will always follow you.

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  25.   Nandi says:
    Posted: 02 Jul 08

    I do not get the article on the post above mines? No one should marry in hopes of growing to love someone and no man or woman should force anyone to be with them..If I was in a relationship and it was not going naturally in flow I wanted it to go in..I would end it..This woman could not be that good of a woman if she has to demand and force her needs and wants and this man self esteem is pretty much bottom list...Two needy people with suppressed needs and desires is a cocktail for diaster and misery...I would not want a man who thinks I am a hamburger, while desiring a steak? Does not make sense

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  26. Posted: 02 Jul 08

    Well, first off he wants a perfect woman: banging body, a slave, and everthing and when I finally gets her I will come to realize that the woman that he wanted to leave as the best for him. I bet you that she forced him for a good reason, this seems to be strong, independent, and like she knows what she wants (although I coulde be wrongand she could probly be a straight up lunatic!). My advice, if she's a good woman and wife to him he should stay with her, he may actually grow to love her and the baby that she's trying to have with him.

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