When the ex comes knocking

Posted by Ria, 07 Dec 07

A not very close friend of mine was dating a man she loved … the only man she had ever loved. Unfortunately, this love of her life left her abruptly and without explanation. After struggling with rebound relationships, she finally met a nice guy and they got married and even purchased a home together.

Now, guy number one is back from whereever he skulked off to and wants her to leave her husband and take off with him. This man let her down so badly and hurt her so much that I don’t see an earthly reason to imagine he won’t do it again. The problem is she can’t help but feel drawn to him even though as she knows better.

Seeing as she knows better, is she really being drawn to her ex or is she being drawn away from her husband? If this former boyfriend can snap his fingers and make her actually entertain the thought of taking off with him, is there a problem with the marriage. Or is she just living the fantasy of the old saying "You never forget your first love"?

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All the above got me thinking, is your "first love" the one you will always remember and compare all future lovers to? Where does this leave those in your future who will love you completely? Do you forever hold back that little something of yourself that you only ever gave to your first love? Do you ever truly move on....

Tags: ex boyfriend, relationship issues

Responses to "When the ex comes knocking"

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  1.   bellara says:
    Posted: 30 Oct 09

    it seems like some people cling onto those who hurt them the most..sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of stupidity other times?well let's just say they haven't been treated any better so they get immuned to been treated bad. i distance my self from my exes especially when am in a relationship because you don't want to bring a "used to be" to hangout around his replacement. my bf is NOT allowed to hang around his exes as well...if they mean so much to you, then you might as well cling unto them. ps: it doesn't mean they are not allowed to be friends but a thick boundary has to be set, because we you don't want to put yourself into temptation.

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  2.   Dirk says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    Your post When the ex comes knocking : Interracial Dating Blog was very interesting when I found it over google on Tuesday by my search for dating married. I have your blog now in my bookmarks and I visit your blog again, soon. Take care.

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  3.   right4u says:
    Posted: 08 Sep 08

    What everyone fail to realize is that this woman married for the wrong reasons....That is why just the thought of leaving her husband for another man is even in her mind. She is unhappy. many woman marry. Many many woman marry for the wrong reasons that is why the devorce rate is so high. Just to say their married or to please parents or friends or the thought that they might never get married or be alone for the rest of their lives...fear.. equals the wrong reason.

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  4.   sira1994 says:
    Posted: 14 Jun 08

    ive been that road of feeling that it will be better i have beeb with an ex twice and belive me the second one almost messed up my life for the worse so gal think before u leap

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  5. Posted: 14 Jun 08

    Sometimes it seems people are addicted to the very person that hurt them the worst. Although they know it's not a healthy situation, they're still drawn to him/her long after they've found someone that treats them much better. Whose to say the "1st love" won't do the same thing again, and hurt you worse than the first time? Answer....there are no guarantees, so you roll the dice the way you choose to, but ACCEPT the consequences either way, and don't blame anyone else but yourself. These "1st loves", are often driven by ego, jealously, selfishness, and a misguided sense of possessiveness having been the "1st." They seem to suddenly gain massive amounts of interest, where there was none before, when they see their ex with someone else, and sense it's going really well. Is it the "forbidden fruit" syndrome? Who knows? I have to be fair here and add that there have often been times where people have gone back to their "1st love" and it's turned out wonderfully. I hope she makes a sensible decision, because sometimes the person you leave after going back to an ex, may not be there if the "ex experience" doesn't work out. Thus at least THAT person learned the valuable lesson of "MOVING ON." (smile)

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  6.   amygee says:
    Posted: 30 Dec 07

    Well, from where i stand i can relate. My best answer. Stay with ur husband. he loves you and you have taken the initiative to move to greater heights with little efforts. Your Ex knows you still loves him, thats why he is doing it, but what you are failing to see is that he does not love you. What man would see u move on, then ask you to leave your husband, not just another man your dating, but your husband? That does not even need a second thought. Stay focused, Try and forget the Ex, he will be out of your system sooner than you thought.

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  7.   outpass35 says:
    Posted: 29 Dec 07

    I believe an Ex is an Ex for a reason and I don't believe in traveling the same road twice, If it was me I am not about to leave the one I am with for the one who left me hurt and briused that is just cazy I would send him on his way. An that is out of respect for the one you are with there would be no reason for me to even speak to my Ex.

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  8.   HereIamBaby says:
    Posted: 29 Dec 07

    Hello Everyone... There is a reason why they are an "X"...have you forgottten the reason...??? WELL...DON'T! I say...let them see you walk away and don't look back. Besides the back side is all they should see anyway! Follow your instinct! Remember why you saw that big "L" on thier forehead... Southern Smiles and world peace, Sharon

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  9.   mossimo says:
    Posted: 19 Dec 07

    Sad tale darklicious.

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  10.   Darklicious says:
    Posted: 17 Dec 07

    Her first love didn't mind leaving her without even any thought of how she would feel. For this woman or any woman to even allow him back into her life at a time when she is so very happy is unbelievable, just plain crazy. She has too much to loose and he knows this yet he wants her to scarfice everything for him and he isn't worth it. Why would anybody come into a person's life again after they have caused so much pain for that person is just plain selfish. She is a weak minded woman and he knows this, that is why he is back. The hell with that first love crap because that is just what it is crap, he had his chance and he didn't use it wisely so the hell with him. I know about that first love mess first handed because I was in the exact seem situation and I made bad choices. My so call first love told me when I was 18 years old and still a virgin that he wasn't going to marry a virgin because I was too much trouble, yet when I married my husband he came back upset saying he was suppose to be the first one. He continued to come back and forth in my life until I was left pregnant with no money to have an abortion. I had another man's child and my husband accepted him, that child is now 21 years old. That first love is married to someone else whom by the way is a lesbian and he is very unhappy still runing after women. My advice to this woman is to give him her middle finger stuck up.

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  11.   katana5 says:
    Posted: 17 Dec 07

    I wouldn't give his sorry ass the time of day!!!!

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  12.   jk04 says:
    Posted: 14 Dec 07

    Are you serious? Come on now I understand the first love thing as many of us do but not only is dude playing games he left her without any explanation that dude don't even deserve the time of day. An my biggest thing shes married in the eyes of the lord she vowed her love to someone else and is second guessing over that no offense but whats her deal. Does she not realize she thinkin of destroying a man that probably truly loves her just the way she was destroyed when her wonderful first love left her. Come on now sometimes I just don't understand..... All I can say is I hope god opens her eyes before she loses on both ends.

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  13.   JIB says:
    Posted: 13 Dec 07

    Whether he's playing games or not is besides the point...he may be pitching but unless she's ready to hit then the pitches don't matter. She needs to consider her actions and their impact on the current partner. Going back to the old flame is many times an act of selfishness.

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  14.   fala says:
    Posted: 12 Dec 07

    I totally agree Coco. He's just playing games. Girl, don't do it!

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  15.   cocokisses says:
    Posted: 11 Dec 07

    The guy simply wants to know if he still has "pull" with her. As soon as he gets her away from her husband, he will dump her. You see this behavior amongst teenagers all the time. This man lacks maturity, and if the young lady has any sense of self worth, she would send him packing without explanation-exactly the way he left her.

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  16.   mossimo says:
    Posted: 11 Dec 07

    To me she never got over the ex or truly saw him for what he was.....a jerk. If she had gotten over him, it would be a heck no when he came sniffin around again.

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  17.   fala says:
    Posted: 11 Dec 07

    I'm a firm believer in serial monogamy. Each one is meaningful and important and hopefully you take away some good lessons and experiences as you move on to the next one.

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  18.   Starthai says:
    Posted: 08 Dec 07

    Great thought Glock :)

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  19.   Glock says:
    Posted: 08 Dec 07

    She needs to consider that fact that her "first" love left her without explaination. That should have been addressed at that time, he needed to give her an explaination as to why he was leaving her. He didn't. She went on with her life, got married to, I assume, a nice man. If I were in her shoes when the first man stepped back into the picture I would thank God that he stepped out of her life the first time. Reason is that her first love wants her to LEAVE HER HUSBAND, THE MAN SHE MARRIED! In my view, anyone who would ask another to leave their spouse isn't worth spit. And without hesitation she should tell him to get lost. Her first love is basically telling her that relationships aren't worth ANYTHING to him if someone is asking you to leave you wife or husband to be with them. That is a guarantee that it will happen again. He doesn't care anything about a serious relationship because he would know that the women he is with has LEFT her husband to be with him. That would mean that her "committment" is conditional.

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  20.   ladylight says:
    Posted: 07 Dec 07

    I believe that women always want to make things 'work', and if a relationship doesnt work a woman often tends to blame herself for it. So if something aint fixable, what she does is put all her attention on things and people who do make it work. We tend to forget our achievements and remember our 'faillure'. So when the 'faillure' comes knocking at the door, maybe it is not about the person we are drawn too, it is about to make up the pain we once lived. There is the chance to Do make t work, and make all the pain in the world you had to go through after that one blown relationship, undone. And believe me, running off with that 'faillure' and leaving the present behind,will not help a d*mn thing, for the past will never get undone. So I actually believe from my own experience that it is the past and the harm we want to make undone. And it is seldom a good thing if we crave for that, let us just count our blessing and not be lured into wishfull thinking that. with this person we can have our 'lives' back, cause if it was, we would have never been without them. Bless ya all, xx

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