When confronted by an irate reader’s closing remark “I can tell; you’re one of those women with a white boyfriend”, Sandy Banks says in a recent article in the LA Times:
“I was pleased to be able to rally back: “My boyfriend is black.” Take that. But I was also grateful that her challenge hadn’t come the year before. Then I would have been guilty as charged, of being one of those women with a white boyfriend… I recall feeling vaguely ashamed at being so blatantly called out; and relieved that I had reclaimed my place in the sisterhood by landing an acceptable mate.
It wasn’t until years later — when that relationship was done and I was surveying the pool of eligible men — that I had to ask myself, what does “one of those women” mean? And how is it that my romantic choices somehow publicly brand me?”
Sandy Banks is a sister to the infamous Stanford professor Rick Banks and writer of the book “Is Marriage for White People?” – who has stirred quite a debate all over the internet on the subject of the unwed Black woman and how white men black women marriages and interracial dating in general is something the Black woman needs to consider as the solution to “the problem”.
Looking back at where we have come from in terms of interracial dating and marriage, there are times I feel like its safe to say the stigma on interracial unions has faded considerably. But when it comes to white men black women relationships, sometimes it seems as though the educated black woman is still struggling with the whole idea of interracial dating.
Looking at Sandy above, and how pleased she was to report back that she dating black, it seems to me that the choice of whether to be in white men black women relationships or maintain the “sisterhood” is something most black women struggle with when it comes down to whether or not to pursue an interracial relationship. Others just find excuses not to be with white men. Sandy talks about a book club where she heard women reliving their college dating choices about white men black women dating: White dude rejected because black chick didn’t trust his motives; Dinner invite by white co-worker interpreted as just being friendly.
According to Sandy, the explanation to what may have pricked her about the reader’s comment may have been the question most Black women emotionally struggle with when it comes to White men Black women dating:
“What kind of black woman has a white boyfriend? Open-minded or desperate; a champion of her gender or traitor to her race; someone who is culturally secure or trying to look away from her own black face?”
Do most Black women sacrifice being happy in an interracial relationship for “sisterhood”? Do they worry too much about the labels people will brand them if they were to cross over? Is the decision a struggle?
Personally, the choice is more about the person and less on the skin colour. It shouldn’t have anything to do with sacrifice, love is love and it crosses any ethnicity line.
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@ AmeliaMac
I like what you said about not having anything to do with sacrifice,that is soooo….true ! I’ve been dateing the sweet sista’s all my life and have sacrificed very little.I think it’s all in your mind set ! If your not up for the task,don’t apply for the job
! You awsome lady’s make the world go around 
! The one’s that don’t know that yet need to wake up,the brother’s too ! Your lady’s are where it’s at,treat them well 
! EddyReady cares !
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TO ALL THE LADIES WHO OUTSIDE THEIR RACE . DATE WHO YOU WANT TO DATE AND BE COMFORTABLE WITH YOURSELF. REMEMBER IT’S YOUR CHOICE AND NO IS FORCING YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOU DON’T WANT TO DO .THE OLD SAYING IS DON’T WORRY BE HAPPY. HEY HEY
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Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
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Or see why many bw prefer white men. And some wm prefer bm.
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@bigcheese
While I understand and appreciate your frustration with black women, I have to remind you that the vast MAJORITY of black women aren’t LOSERS. Granted, we have more than our fair share, and they should be avoided at all COST, because in the final analysis, I want to come home to a woman who’s going to LOVE me, and let me LOVE her. I REFUSE to leave the DRAMA of WORK only to come home to a BATTLEFIELD. Anyway, I wish you SUCCESS in your search, because we ALL want, and need, to be LOVED.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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What a petty and unnecessary comment. God bless.
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I think black women should see what it is like to date other races. You might find that you refer other races as well. We do have greater success as far as marriages with other races of men. Bw/ wm have the lowest divorce rate not only of all ir couples but of all couples together. And bw/latino men are the 3rd lowest divorce rate of ir couples right behind wm/asian women.
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I believe wm and aw have one of the highest divorce rates around despite having the most IR marriages. According to what I read from census data, the top 3 longest lasting IR are :
1. BW and WM
2. BW and HM
3. BW and Arabic men
I guess it depends on when the data was taken, but I’d be surprised if it changed that much in a few years.
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You need to look at the stats again. bw and wm have the lowest divorce rate of all couples.
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For me, dating interracially is about leaving all my options for love open. Early on I struggled with the negative comments I received about dating White men and beat myself up over it. Everntually, I started thinking about myself and what//who was going to make ME happy – regardless of color. The struggle is over -
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To all the black women who chastise other black women for dating out, I ask what excuse do you give black men who do the same? Taye Diggs, Ice T, the majority of professional NFL and NBA athletes. Black ladies, invest yourself into men who value you.
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@modernmystic
Don’t you think you should ask this question on a board that caters to monoracial relationships between black men and women? I don’t see how black women can remotely give a proper response on a board where black men and women want to date/marry anyone, but each other, I really don’t. As for Taye Diggs, Ice T, and the minority of professional NFL and NBA athletes who date/married out, just as chastising you isn’t going to stop you from persuing your PREFERENCE. Don’t expect this method to work on black men who interracially date/marry, either. That being said, I will say that the one issue I have with Taye Diggs is the fact that he just couldn’t keep black women out of his mouth when talking about his marriage. Outside of that, I DON’T CARE who he dates, marries, and yes, SCREWS.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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@ modernmystic,
What are you high? Black men receive scrutiny for dating or glancing at a woman slightly passes the paper bag test. Every time any black man is spotted with a white woman or non bw he gets heat from black women. How else could you explain the fact that Essence magazine had controversy for having that gimp Reggie Bush on their cover of their magazine because he was dating a white woman? But if this was the reverse and black men complained about a white man on the cover of a magazine because he was dating a black woman, they would be deemed wrong on all accounts. The funny thing is that women like you fail to bring up the number of black female celebrities and actors that date/ marry white men (which are more than the number of famous black men in interracial relationships). But of course its always black men that are the ones who betray their race. It’s always black men that are in the wrong. What’s also funny is that black men chastise men who favor non black women then black men. When Slim Thug made those ill comments about white women being better than black women he was criticized by both black men and women. Hell even Kim Kardashian received some backlash for being featured on “King” magazine because it is a publication that is men’s magazine meant to feature black women. But when a black woman like Dawn Richards says black men aren’t stepping to the plate, or when so many black women are writing books, articles and columns urging black women to leave black men and seek men that are “on their level” (whatever the hell that means) then no black man can oppose it and have credibility in his opinion. That’s why I refuse to be a Hill Harper clone and become a defender of black women because there are issues of hypocritical BS that no one, especially no black man can challenge in regards to black women.
Oh and By the way, Bigcheese, stfu. Seriously. As much as I’ve seen some trashy black women out there, I have seen black women perform Christmas miracles on a weekly basis. While is funny because as time goes by I find myself more attracted to the “ghetto” and “hood” black women more so than the educated black woman. Meanwhile I I’ve seen some trifling black men do some black women wrong. So black men, please, stop this notion that black women are these unbearable pains simply because you want a woman to bow to your feet. In all of my past relationships with black women I will admit that I’ve wanted to pull a Chris Rock on her and shake her until the cops come in. But I’ve never had the desire to dismiss all black women because women in general are difficult to deal with as a man. Either you had a weak sense of character or you deeply valued white women regardless of what treatment a black woman gave you.
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Bm do date outside the race at a rate more than twice that of bw so I think that is why the focus is on bw dating outside the race. B/w marriage is composed of 73% bm/wm. So that is the focus. If you go on some of the black media sites bw who even say they are attracted to non bm are chased off the site. So it seems bw have more of issue with ir dating regardless of whether man or woman is black in my opinion.
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If I were a boy I would date a black woman all my life cause I am submissive and I love black women so much…to bad that I am a woman
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@ Fith
! You do the sista’s proud 
! You look jazzy sweet 
!
I’m glad you are a women,baby girl
EddyReady cares !
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@ Scandiblond :
It’s really true what you said,we ALL need to shape up.But at least the black woman is trying and doing their part ! We need to follow their lead ! Myself included ! Have a good day. EddyReady !
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@ Scandiblond, Apart from shape and sexual part of black guys, what other characteristic can you define in them? (black guys).
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@ Edna
! EddyReady cares !
Good question,baby girl ! But you may never get the answer ! Stay sweet
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@ Tyrant
Mr.Tyrant,i think you are confused
! You need to read again what i said,maybe a little slower and not thur rose colored glasses !
(1) I said i agree with what the lady said !
(2) i never said one word pro or con about who she liked to date !
(3) she said white guys need to shape up,i said so do i and i AM a white guy !
(4) you say it’s nobodys concern who dates who………but
(5) i think the real problem here IS what i said and that was the black women were doing their part, and comming from a white man that just tore your backside all up !
(6) so Mr.Tyrant,sir,don’t go making false statements about what i said and for saying someting nice about the sweet sista’s
,or is that just….just…..what was that word you used…….OH,here it is,i think i’m reading this right……HYPOCRISY 
!
Have a good day sir ! EddyReady
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@ EddyReady
I think you should get either get your glasses changed or invest in a new pair because this is the conversation I followed:
Edna said: @ Scandiblond, Apart from shape and sexual part of black guys, what other characteristic can you define in them? (black guys).
EddyReady followed up with: @ Edna
Good question,baby girl ! But you may never get the answer ! Stay sweet ! EddyReady cares !
I know, you’re suffering from some form of DEMENTIA, because you forgot the above comment. Don’t bother to thank me, I’m just doing my part to help the elderly-In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m talking about you.
Enjoy the rest of your evening, Eddy. TYRANT
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@ Eddy thanks very much, I know she’s not ganna give me any answer! But i was expecting her to prove me wrong. Anyway maybe she is still thinking about it. Edna cares too
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@ Enda
I know baby girl ! You said nothing wrong.Just a straight question between two lady’s.Checked out your profile and photos,Cool
! EddyReady cares !
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I think we should all be open to love irrespective of color. Surely in this day and age we ought to be ashamed of ourselves discussing race. For me, it is all about integrity and his heart and not about the color of his skin. In any event, coffee goes better with cream!
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@ SunShine415,nicely said,I need to remember that myself ! Good advice ! Thanks ! I think cream goes better with coffee also
! Take care ! EddyReady
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it’s kinda true.. many black women don’t believe to white guys in general things. sometimes i can see this. all the time some of them want to get more arguments that i’m not gonna do this or that. I think some of people scary to live. They scary that something can happen, that you can broke their heart and etc.
I believe that if you scary and if you base your decisions on that you all the time make wrong choice because heart usually see essence of the things.
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I am a black woman who is divorced. I was proposed to from every black boyfriend I had. Whether he was african american, west indian , my ex husband was Haitian. I begin dating interracially by accident. After a year and a half year off taking a break from a long relationship, I joined a black dating website. To my surprise all of these white guys responded. Shocking, as I never considered dating interracially. As a social worker in NYC for 20yrs I see problems in sisters and brothers. Self love is the key.. You can’t love and value someone if you don’t love and value yourself. I have been courageous enough to go on a few dates with white guys and I have met some special people. I believe that we are so caught up on how we are perceived. Just be yourself. Men love confidet, put together women because it is the first thing they notice is the self love. Men also love great mothers, good cooks and independent but passionate partners. Sisters, I am sorry to say the weave may catch, but not keep him. We do not have to put each other down to make ourselves feel better. I am dark skinned and I love the way I look. I am always the solitary black woman poolside, or at the beach getting darker….lol
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@ Tyrant,on above comments !
Once again you find yourself in the same place as before,not knowing what you are talking about ! Nothing you have said above make any sence from what you said the last time ! All it shows is once again what kind of mind set you have and where your heart is at ! I will make no farther comments to you because you are a lost cause ! Why should i waste my time when there are some sweet sista’s here i can talk nice to:) ! Do the math ! Will just wait a couple of days till your comments are hidden due to low comment ratings like your others are and the one’s that’s not are heading that way quickly
! I know,i know,everybody on this blog is wrong and you are the only one that is right ! You have a worst enemy,sir ! Look in the mirror and find out who it is ! So just keep right on talking and everybody will keep hitting the dislike comment spot 
! EddyReady !
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EddyReady said: @ Tyrant,on above comments !
Once again you find yourself in the same place as before,not knowing what you are talking about ! Nothing you have said above make any sence from what you said the last time ! All it shows is once again what kind of mind set you have and where your heart is at ! I will make no farther comments to you because you are a lost cause ! Why should i waste my time when there are some sweet sista’s here i can talk nice to:) ! Do the math ! Will just wait a couple of days till your comments are hidden due to low comment ratings like your others are and the one’s that’s not are heading that way quickly ! I know,i know,everybody on this blog is wrong and you are the only one that is right ! You have a worst enemy,sir ! Look in the mirror and find out who it is ! So just keep right on talking and everybody will keep hitting the dislike comment spot ! EddyReady !
TYRANT replies: Considering the fact that I was quoting you, I can understand why it didn’t make any sense. To add INSULT to INJURY, you typed this paragraph to say absolutely NOTHING.
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WOW..i never thought my little comment would cause such a stir..
You want an answer…okay..@Edna31…I just been on the interracial dating for a few years and i can honestly say it has nothing to do with body or sexual parts..total nonsens..the guys (black) that i have been dating has been attentive and caring. When out in restaurants or clubs i was never left alone like i was when dating white guys, and just to find them at the bar trying to pick up some females. I don’t say it’s only white guys doing that but it happend to me a lot of times. Also i find the black guys are more romantic, soft. Maybe you have the same thing happend to you with black brothers and prefer dating interracial..
@EddyReady..i thank you for your comment and i know it was not against me as a white woman.The black guys i been dating they all said that reason for dating white woman is because of less drama. You can only be treated as a queen if you treat your man as a king.
@TYRANT..stay safe.
God Bless you all
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@Sacndiblond, Thanks for your respons! But those characteristics you wrote out correspond with the characteristic of white guys. As you wrote ( like when you where dating white guys).
You know, it hurt me when i read what you wrote, about white guys should shape up. There re’ fat blacks the way there re’ fat white,yellow, etc. And there are cute white the way there cute black,yellow etc. Beauty is in the eyes of beholder. I will only list out one characteristic that is different between black guys and white guys.
Black Guys are Protective
White Guys are Romantic
Its better to love a man for who he is not what he have.
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@ Scandiblond
I hope today finds you happy and well,thanks for your reply ! It shows a lot of class
! No my comment was not against you and i don’t think Enda was either ! I belive it was just a woman thing 
! I hope you find the man you like no matter what race and the two of you become the king and queen you talked about above 
! Stay sweet ! EddyReady cares !
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@ EddyReady..forgot to mention ..yes we all need to shape up!!
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@ Scandiblond,True that,baby girl ! A great man said one time…….I HAVE A DREAM ! We have all came a long way with that dream,now we need to finish it ! That is what i mean about everyone shaping up. EddyReady
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I am in agreement with blackpearl. It has been a long time since I’ve dated anyone. I was tired of being alone, going to the movies and dinner by myself and being that strong sista who could survive without companionship. I already knew that. Sometimes the company of my female friends just wasn’t enough. After the smiles and well wishes, I wanted male company and the sound of the male voice. I’m confident enough to know what I want to do and I don’t need anyone’s permission to do it.
Disapproving stares, and sometimes even the love of your family and friends will keep you in a prison of their approval. I like men period. As I began noticing the types of men who responded to me, I gave myself permission to step up and have fun and confidence in making myself happy doing it. Best wishes .
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James, you seem to be intelligent could you please come up with an articles that has not been published a thousands times be original?
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I finally met the lady on IRDC and we are to be married on Dec. 24th, 2011. I’m proud to say we have never met in person and we have only been talking for less than 1 month. However, she is a pastor of a Chuech and I am a man of GOD and we both know by the Grace of GOD that we are put here on this Earth to love one another. This is all the glorious work of our Father GOD, JESUS CHRIST. We will share our success story once we are married on X-mas Eve 2011. Thank you. Michael (aka) Mikielovinit
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@ Edna..totally with you..beauty is inside and that is the beauty i see. Now you may think okay she sees the beauty inside why not see the white man…if i ask you waht is your favourite food and you say steak..i ask why…most likely the answer would be just because.
Edna i do like you and as a white woman i find black females attractive!!! No no…not interested in that way..lol
Be safe Edna and go and get him!!
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@ Scandiblond. Thanks and be safe too
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I think it depends on the indvidual; knowing who they are, what they want and their level of confidence. When it comes to this issue, people just have to be “thick-skinned” and not let the comments of others affect them. We all have a right to love whomever we choose.
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I must say there is always stupidy and ignorance amongst this race – THE HUMAN RACE – especially over here in the USA. I am a bw and have dated outside of my ethnicity before. Honestly, a man is a man at the end of the day. WE ALL BLEED THE SAME COLOR BLOOD which is red and at the end of the day if you removed the skin off of everyone, we’d all look the same. I AM ALL ABOUT DATING AND BEING INVOLVED WITH ANY MALE THAT WILL TREAT ME WITH RESPECT and be great to and for me whether he be white, black, blue, or green
Does it make it better if he’s black, and hurts me emotionally, physically, mentally?????? HELL NO it doesn’t make it better! Many ignorant people will never get ahead because they are too focused on the wrong things. If a person is happy then let them be happy : -)
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IN MY OPINION I THINK BLACK MEN WHO DONT VALUE BLACK WOMEN, REALLY AND TRUELY DO NOT VALUE THEIR MOMS EITHER. IN MOST CASES A MAN WOULD GO FOR A WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HIS MOTHER, NOT VERY SURE THOU BUT I HAVE SOME EVIDENCE TO THAT.
HUMANS LETS LEARN TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY, IAM A CHRISTIAN AND I BELIEVE THAT GOD CREATED ADAM AND EVE HOWEVER THERE IS NO SCRIPTURE IN THE BIBLE THAT DESCRIBES ADAM AND EVE’S RACE. WHO KNOWS IF THEY WERE AN INTERRACIAL COUPLE.
GOOD LUCK IN YOUR SUCH FOR LOVE AND NOT RACE
A
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If people continues to allow someone to dictate to them how they should live their lives then they have no one to blame but themselves for the consequences thereof.
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for the life of me I can’t understand why black men feel it necessary to make such disparaging remarks about black women. did you not come from a black woman? I believe any man who would make such remarks doesn’t just have a problem with black women but women in general.
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Why all the focus on black and white interacial dating. There are so many different races of people. Why not focus on black/asian, black/hispanic or native, middle eastern. How many times can you redo this article?
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I personally think that skin color has nothign to do with how two people feel about each other. I have only one thing that I will say that does keep coming up that is family members seem to be glad that you are dating but have problems when they find out it is someone of a different race then you are. I’ve notice in my case that white men say they are okay with dating black woomen but when it comes to their family they have a problem. Then they want to the relationship in the dark.
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I prefer white men but that doesn’t mean I have turned my back on my race.. I go by how I’m treated and I myself feel better treated by white men at this point in my life. I’m not turning my back or trying to pay anyone back for something that happened back in the years. I just want to love and be loved without any drama and I feel that two people who love each other shouldn’t have to answer to anyone about there choice based on skin color. No one is making anyone date out of their race but at least respect their decission.
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I’m responding to the following statement:
“Sandy Banks is a sister to the infamous Stanford professor Rick Banks and writer of the book “Is Marriage for White People?” – who has stirred quite a debate all over the internet on the subject of the unwed Black woman and how _____”white men black women marriages and interracial dating in general is something the Black woman needs to consider as the solution to “the problem”.
Before you can even suggest IR dating and marriage for BW as a solution to “the problem” you have to first ask, what is “the problem” and then honestly deal with the answers to that question. Some BW, along with myself who date / or married IR clearly understand that you wont solve “the problem” by dating or marry IR, the problem will only continue for the next generation to deal with.
I feel that IR dating and marriage should be a choice and not a last option for any people. “The problem” that Rick Banks was talking about, in truth are the social conditions that lead to so many—not only college educated professional BW but BW in general facing a shortage of BW to marry. This is the example of the intellectual cowardice that so rampant amongst black intelligentsia. The high rates of imprisonment, unemployment, drug abuse, mental illness and other negative realities that eliminate so many BM from the pool of potential mates are the EFFECTS and not the CAUSE of “the problem”.
The persistent racism, social, political and economic powerlessness of African Americans as “A WHOLE” is the cause of “the problem” and until the issue is recognized and dealt with you can try escaping into a purple haze of IR love and happiness all you want but that wont solve the problem. To want to disappear into abstractions (“don’t see me as black, see me as a person”) and wanting to hide from the cruel realities that stand before you is truly a form of cowardice if not insanity.
I’ve never heard of an ethnic group in America where their scholars are recommending that their women date or marry outside of their group for the sake of being able to marry, only African Americans? What does that say about us? No other ethnic group is being pushed into multiculturalism and colorblindness but African Americans, not the Asians, the Arabs, the Latinos and damn sure not the whites, so why African Americans?
Those of us who are conscious understand that if conditions are being created that are causing the breakdown of the family structure then you have to deal with the forces that are creating those conditions and not convince the women of the effected group to escape from that reality by marrying out of their group. Here’s an example, when the Irish faced persecution under the British in the UK and in America none of their scholars suggested that marrying British or non Irishmen would fix their problems. These Irish women understood what their men were up against and they stood by, supported and fought along with their men in not only improving but creating the conditions where their men and women could marry and have families. If one of their women decided to marry outside of the group then it was done by choice and not out of necessity.
Dating or marrying IR in hopes of escaping “THE PROBLEM” will ultimately become a much “BIGGER PROBLEM!”
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I agree with a lot of what you said, but disagree because black women have been standing by black men (many still do and are criticized for liking thugs). You can read the comments above and see what many black men think of black women, despite us being their and supporting them, so why should we continue to suffer? Irish women wouldn’t have stood by their men if 70% of them were left as single mothers, put down for their physical features and educational goals and criticized no matter how hard they tried. If you want black women to stand by black men, you need to talk to the black men about how many ofh them treat black women.
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Please am serious in need of a white for a serious relationship…
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How others view me for dating interracially is not something I worry about. I prefer white men, sue me!! I do what makes me happy and comfortable….end of story.
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You know what amazes me that no one seems to understand that the pressure mostly on black women dating outside of the confines of “her People” stems from patriarchy and basically the unfairness of our society. If we are to look at it…Black women are still subjugated to the Mammie complex, who is an asexual woman, who has no desire for affection except through assisting others or the overtly sexual black woman who no one wants except to -screw…these are the stereotypes that are consistently represented in society and also within the black race.
So when their is a black woman who does cross over whether due to choice and/or preference…it is looked at as though (1) she’s high sidity (2) she’s not black enough (3) she’s overly educated and the list can go on….The sad thing is there are many who will be miserable because they do not listen to their own heart and tend to think everyone else’s has a better beat.
Reality is we are all effected by what others say…but to keep it real; if your not paying my electric bill or rent…mind your own damn business and I shall mind mine, including who I love.
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