Would women who idolize Obama have given him a chance then?

Posted by Ria, 14 Jul 09

Warning: The article below may be offensive to some readers. This is not the objective. It is in no way meant to defame or inflame any parties, groups or persons.

barack obama thenHere’s a little to learn from Michelle Obama

Most of us have fallen for our first family, the Obamas … such a universal picture of love. This has even become something of an obsession, especially for quite a number of professional Black women, with many getting excited about the likelihood that they could find their own Obama. Some would give up anything just to meet a man like him.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

One thing most women must realize is that Michelle didn’t meet him the way we see him now – all souped-up and successful. He was once broke and goofy ... not the Black Prince Charming ideal many women would die for. Do you think these women would have looked at him in the same idolizing manner then?

We all know the well-worn narrative that the dating world is hard for Black women who want to date Black men that match them in academic and career success. Thing is, whenever the professional Black man comes along, there is always that big 'BUT':

He is intellectual but nerdy…

He is ambitious and focused but not social enough…

I am looking for a successful tall and hot man; not some pint sized nerd…

He’s hot but dances like he got two left feet…

And just like the rest of them, another Black man ends up being tossed right into the ‘friend zone’.

Many Black women want their own Obama. But if Michelle had adopted the kind of attitude above, then she wouldn’t have been the first lady today. Here is what we women (not just Black women) can learn from her:

Michelle saw past the goofiness, brokenness and big ears … she made the choice of straying far off the superficial and focused on an abundance of goodness Obama had. So if Black women are to defy statistics (that 45 percent of black women have never been married, compared with 23 percent of white women) then they need to be more realistic. Not to say there aren’t any perfect men but seriously, what are the odds of meeting a rich Havard scholar with the swagger of a rapper like Jay-Z and a baby face? If you are looking for a G like Tupac, chances are he’d be in the hood … not Havard.

My point is, if you are seeking to have a great relationship with a good Black man, they aren’t all taken. There are so many of them around. All you need to do is borrow a leaf from Michelle and see a man for who he really is and not what he has or how he looks. I am not saying you entirely give up on attraction coz it can’t be faked. Instead, be a little open minded … analyze your ideals. If Obama was given the chance of love way before gracing the covers of magazines countrywide, maybe more Black women might just find relationships they could believe in, if only they could dig deeper for men’s unseen potentials.

If Michelle had held Obama to presidential or some other superficial standards, would he ever have had the chance? Stop sizing up a man’s checkbook by his lifestyle. You might be shocked to find that the guy buying rounds of shots has maxed his credit card and the one having some $2 beer is worth a lot. Just coz a man has money don’t mean he’s gotta flaunt it.

Best advice I have read so far is from the article "Five things to consider before the next man passes you by" :

"Single women should avoid using Barack Obama’s résumé as a job description for a position they’re trying to fill or treating their next boyfriend like a prospective applicant … So if a man … meets 83 percent of your criteria and you still let him pass you by, just keep that in mind when the next Michelle Obama gladly takes him and his corporate, grad school-impaired game off your hands."

And how about eliminating the not-into-other-races ‘BUT’. If a guy fits the cut, he fits the cut – Black, White, Latina, Asian... Hey ladies, more often than not ‘less than perfect’ is perfect enough. There are so many good men out there. All you gotta do is open your microscopic eyes and you will see past their nerdy, goofy, broke (... fill in the ‘BUTS’…) selves.

119 responses to "Would women who idolize Obama have given him a chance then?"

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  1.   Member says:
    Posted: 23 Jun 10

    This is certainly a helpful resource you are providing and you're giving it away for free. I honestly enjoy seeing sites that understand the value of providing a valuable resource for free of charge. I truly enjoyed reading your article :) Thank you

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  2.   Member says:
    Posted: 11 Jun 10

    Pretty awesome article. I just came upon your blog and wanted to point out that I have definitely liked browsing your blog content. I'll sign up for your feed and I hope you write again soon!

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  3.   Anon says:
    Posted: 11 Feb 10

    I remember when I was struggling. No one was interested in myself at all. Now people are and I never changed. I still had the same hopes and dreams. Was still nice... I think we are all pretty shallow in the end and will not admit it to ourselves. I must say though the standards many people so called "have" these days is just so high and unrealistic.

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  4.   Anon says:
    Posted: 11 Feb 10

    I do not think it is entirely black women. I have noticed this trend really amongst all women of all races. I think its human instinct for people to strive for the best they can have.

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  5.   DGD001 says:
    Posted: 19 Nov 09

    While I agree with some of what you said I found your article one sided. What about the black women or any woman who accepts a man who might be struggling to become a success, she helps him get there then he pays her back by having an affair, and destroying a family. I did do the Michelle thing and worked for seven years to support a man to become a writer. He became very successful, and we had a good life we were even invited to the White House to meet president Clinton, and then to meet Laura Bush. Black women work had to support their men and their children, I thing it is the black man who needs to learn respect, loyalty, and honesty, and to realize that to build great successful black families like the Obama's take a lot of work and you can not do it if both parties are not committed. Our family was a successful black family in our community that everyone looked up to. I worked hard to have a library named after us, and also from my community work had my soon to be x nominated for an honorary doctorate degree, and he paid his family back by choosing the day of the convocation to bring his girl friend that we did not know he had to the event. So as you can see in my opinion it is the black man who needs to smarten up. Why should a black woman take a man and groom and develop him only to be treated with disrespect.When you can just hang on to the one who has already been developed by someone else, as in my case, and just enjoy the ride not knowing what sacrifices were made to get him there. It is not the first time that it has happened, and it won't be the last. The Obama saga is not over yet, lets see what happens after all my relationship lasted 25 years. I hope the president continues to be a loyal husband and father and that he does not disappoint Michelle and his girls, we certainly need to have more black men be like him. So only time will tell

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  6. Posted: 19 Oct 09

    why do you think people are so adamant about receiving a degree from an institution like harvard? why is president obama being illogically compared with the "average black man" or any "average man"? it should be noted that he has an undergrad degree from columbia university and a law degree from harvard. at the time he met michelle he had those degrees at the time he met his current wife who is also an ivy league grad. furthermore, they met while he was interning (and she was already employed) at one of the most prestigious law firms in the world. you see, having such degrees and having done such internships are currency within themselves. they hold value and represent the inevitably for success or the extreme likelihood it it. for many, they represent the unambiguous recipe for success. this is a very pathetic argument that seems to be disconnected from all reality. why is it that, of all women, black women are treated as some sort of monolith? from what i have noticed most women have basic expectations for men. alas, a lot of hostility towards and cliche stereotyping of black women. what else is new?

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  7.   Only1Kim says:
    Posted: 18 Aug 09

    I find this blog to be very cute at the least. I'm thinking, in '88-89 I was trying to get through high school & beating up boys. I'm reading some of these responses & I am like "wow." To each his/her own, whatever floats your boat. Everyone wants that "right for him/her fit." No one should feel bad about what there desires are. Moving right along. When I was in my 20's a thug was cute. As a 30 something woman, I've outgrown that. Of course you want someone that can relate to you, understand you, interested in you. So Michele & Barack were attorneys, & all that good stuff. They had chemistry. At the end of the day they could relate & love each other. So if you're that gold-digger & that's what he likes, that's what they can relate to. It's not like he didn't know, the signs are obvious. If you're that successful man & you want a housewife, that's your thang. When it's all said & done, did you do it for love or money & are you happy? No one makes that choice for you but you. People, stop getting so extra sensitive about these blogs. They are set up to get you busy, confrontational, and prove their point. Stop letting them win. Heck, would Barack have given me a chance. LOL!

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  8.   dolly48 says:
    Posted: 17 Aug 09

    Some of you have gotten way off point here! Stick to the main issue the article focused on JMHO (and please check your spelling before hitting "submit comment)

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  9.   elliot says:
    Posted: 12 Aug 09

    Jay-Z is not attemtping to write a wrong. You do not write a wrong by glorifying the very wrong to generations of yonug people in hopes of making profit from the wrong that brought sorrow and misery to lives of so many. To make records for profit glorifying drug dealing, pimping women, or gang banging is not redemption. I again point to some examples: If a notorious drug dealer were to donate money to families for a funeral feast and the burial of their loved ones who consumed and died from his drugs has he redeemed himself if he continues to sell drugs in the community? If a pimp continues to beat and pimp women is he/she redeemed if he/she occassionally purchases the women an occassional gift. Is a lifelong pedafiler redeemed if he offers complimentary couseling to each of the little boys/girls he has abused, but continues to abuse? The point is Jay-Z does not admonish his past behavior and lifestyle instead he glorifies it is seeks to make money off of it while indoctrinating future generations into a mentality that selling drugs will get you women, fame, cars, and lots of money.

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  10.   yoyo99 says:
    Posted: 12 Aug 09

    Not accurate sources at all Elliot....just the schemings of the conspiracy theorists !!! Makes us think though.

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  11.   elliot says:
    Posted: 11 Aug 09

    Yoyo99, I did not know the money from Iraqi oil reserves was going ot be used to fund health care reform. However, if your sources are accurate then I too would condemn such funds being used to reform healthcare if the purpose of the money is to go to wards rebuilding Iraq.

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  12.   nandi says:
    Posted: 11 Aug 09

    Exactly! yoyo every dollar bill is tarnished with the stains of unjust wars; unjust trade agreements and corruption. And atleast Jay Z, is attempting to right his wrongs, God did give his only begotten son so that the Jayz of this world who admitted their wrongs and attempted to makes amendments have a chance at redeemption. Atleast he is capable of manning up and taking responsibility for his actions, without just talking about but being about. However, I think the national health care if it is passed will be paid in addition by this tax, at first I thought it was unfair, but they have tax smokers for everthing... http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2009/07/27/politics/politicalhotsheet/entry5192172.shtml Even though I do not smoke or drink soda pop, I was hoping it would be a tax that all Americans have to pay for, I am willing to pay fair share of the cost for National Health Care...To bad the protesters and my favorite one was some old lady who shouted "Keep the government out of my medicare" LOL I guess someone should tell her, she is already enrolled in a government based healthcare.

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  13.   nandi says:
    Posted: 11 Aug 09

    Sahara, excellent post! I could not agree more, but I think others will view profiles they just won't blog perhaps, but I pretty sure quite few are reading these blogs. Thank could be a good thing as well. And since all Black Women are not originally from America, the lumping and blind generalized statements of Black Women and/or African-Americans is as multi-cultural and diverse as Black Women themselves from the Carribean, Africa to Black Latinos, so clearly the views and history will be different. I think any woman or man should date who they want, for whatever reasons that pleasing them. People who don't like it and what to analyze others decisions.....I say why bother even explaining to them.

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  14.   yoyo99 says:
    Posted: 10 Aug 09

    Elliot: IMO, every dollar bill is tarnished with the stains of unjust wars; unjust trade agreements and corruption.... ....add to your list that President Obama should be commended for promoting health care reforms funded by money generated from the theft of Iraqi oil reserves.

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  15.   Shotgun007 says:
    Posted: 10 Aug 09

    Kayshia, I really appreciate your post and comments. Miri2008, well-stated and I share your views on much of what you wrote. Taking a glance at some of the Article Blogs, I just sometimes "scratch" my head and wonder.

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  16.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 09 Aug 09

    Ria ; That is Similiar to My picture from 2000/ Alas I have Been Successful . Why change the Pictures ? I think they all look Good

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  17.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 09 Aug 09

    P.S. And President Obama is wearing a Jacket in the Heat of Summer ?

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  18.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 09 Aug 09

    Global Warming ; is because of the Multitudes of People on this Planet all use Sing more Heat powered Equipment in order to Survive . Nobody wants War Nobody wants Sick People Nobody wants Crazy people Some Desire Happy Thoughts at a Dating Site Blog . Oh Well ?

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  19.   ELLIOT says:
    Posted: 08 Aug 09

    Sahara, Following that course of logic the people of Iraq should commend Sadaam as a role model after years of brutal torture and killings if he builds them a community center. Or what if Hitler had given the Jewish people of Germany better housing after the holocaust should we also commend him as a role model despite the brutal torture and uder of 6 millions Jews. Pablo Escobar often gave christmas presents to boys and girls and provided the poor with housing or running water which was funded by his cocaine exporting business involving the murder og government officials, citizens, and police officers. However, since he did build up his community with his drug money shoudl we also commend him as a role model. What you suggest Sahara is that it is ok to take blood money if a person has seen the light. If Osama Bin Laden decides to donate a community center to your neighboorhood you espouse the view that such a man should be commended. It is blood money Sahara. Money that was made of the death, suffering, torture, misery and pain of others. What good is it to take the money Sahara if you lose your soul. Wrong cannot be made into right Sahara. Only right can be made into right. A house built upon blood money will eventually fall.

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  20.   georgeW1001 says:
    Posted: 06 Aug 09

    I also agree with what gw178 stated initially. M.Elliott, also good points on your post. Men and women (as difficult as it is sometimes) have to start looking past some of the more shallow things that really don't matter nor make up the individual. Everyone should strive to be a little more open-minded I guess.

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  21.   Shotgun007 says:
    Posted: 06 Aug 09

    Sahara, You posted some really good points that I happen to agree with. Referring to "some" black women's obsession of finding good black men. It "seems" to me that black women have a great deal of loyalty to black men and finding a black male companion is priority and in some communities the only option. Being more open to possibilities is a key component to finding your soulmate, he may not come in the form of an african american male. If I were at the same place and time that Michelle was when she met Obama, I definetly would have dated him. He's attractive in more ways than one. Good Nite everyone!! Shotgun007

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  22.   Shotgun007 says:
    Posted: 06 Aug 09

    To "talkinital" regarding your comment to me dated 07/27. An internal message has been sent to you, rather than posting a reply on this blog. Shotgun007

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  23.   Nandi says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 09

    Chivalrys a great base for relationships, isnt it? LOL,laugh_sailor! I will settle for good manners though. sahara-Great Post!! Unfortunately with blogs and chatrooms, you often find people post for different reasons others than the platform of the website..Unfortunate, but true "I do not indulge in the futility of people comparisons - by anyone and at any level for any reason." Exactly, at the end of the day people like who they like.....And if you are confident in yourself, comparisons would never come to mind...

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  24.   sahara says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 09

    People tick for different reasons looks, money, intellect, popularity etc. No one should be chastised for picking a companion based on what another perceives as frivolous. No one single factor guarantees a long term relationship without infidelity (with its many mutations) other than pure compatibility on that one thing that makes the other tick, again this could be anything; wealth, looks, intelligence, perspective ness, etc. Would I CONSIDER dating Obama? Absolutely because he has certain qualities about him, that I would want in anyone right now even keel, calm personality, intellectual, persistent, reflective, gutsy. Would I have CONSIDERED dating him when he was a student at the law firm? I do not know. At that age different things made me tick: Intellect, even keel personality, money. (in that order). BTW, even hough I am open to dating any race, I am more likely to date interracially. The black womans obsession with good black man needs to stop. I grew up not in America and although I realize the history (past and current) behind this obsession, I think it is too much. I think the black-woman calls it and the rest follow. Remember, no one ever kicks a dead dogor do they. Move on already. This is absolutely not the kind of blog (well parts of it) I expect on an interracial dating web site. Do you know how many men are being turned off? To expose your dirty laundry in public is but enough, to wash it is outrageous, cmon. Really, who wants to date anyone who still has issues like this? Remember this, you teach people how to treat you, especially at a personal level. There is no offence intended, just my honest observation. @ MElliot. I do not know Jay-Zs history. But from reading the blogif it is true that he grew up drugging and pimping, used that blood money, garnered success and went back to assist his community, then he needs to be commended at some level. People make mistakes, they should not always be judged by what they did when they did not know any better. He seems to have seen the light! And I know the point is that he is idolized without clarification, but that is for parents to teach their children. We can not hold the media responsible for everyhting. @Musicman65very funny science fiction... you might meet the 'bionic woman' here. @ngbabe hiYou should not be complacent with comparisons of you to others made by others. I judge myself based on who I was yesteryear and who I am now, and I can tell you with confidence that I am a better person today than I was yesterday. I do not indulge in the futility of people comparisons - by anyone and at any level for any reason.

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  25.   surprised says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 09

    sorry! i thought my comment from yesterday did not update. I am not stalking you laugh-sailor. Promise! lol

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  26.   surprised says:
    Posted: 05 Aug 09

    @ laugh-sailor Thanks!!

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  27.   surprised says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 09

    @laugh-sailor Thanks! I agree that a woman will not admit when she is a gold-digger, but I am sure that eventually the man she is dating will figure it out. More often then not, these women wind up treated like a spittons and thrown away.

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  28.   yoyo99 says:
    Posted: 03 Aug 09

    Cocoa: 'HE is probably looking for casual sex and light hearted fun...' maybe that's because when he meets a woman SHE'LL probably be looking for someone to use as an accessory ????

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  29. Posted: 02 Aug 09

    Surprised - Thanks! You wrote a perceptive piece that shows your caring thoughtfulness and I enjoyed it! Nandi - Terrific point! That's been my thought also, that two people striving for the greater whole of their life together ought to just flow easily. I'm glad to see others think so too! Chivalry's a great base for relationships, isn't it? Cocoacutie - Beautiful, clear thoughts! Right on about it all. TanSexyHot - Yes, several times, carefully. While it's a bit confusing due to multiple posts, here's my count: 11 money-neutral women posting in this blog and 6 money-focused women posting in this blog. I gave positive votes to those not obviously negative. That's a lot more mature than I've personally experienced and it's a very good sign. I would think this is a bit biased, though - How many would speak up and proudly proclaim "I'm a gold-digger!"

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  30. Posted: 01 Aug 09

    Laugh_sailor, hello by the way. Just curious, have you read most of the women's posts on here?

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  31.   cocoacutie says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    Yoyo, perhaps that man does have substance; perhaps he doesnt. This community leader should not expect a future partner to "keep" him. He needs to get counseling, because a counselor would tell him to clear up all his baggage and debts from a previous relationship before bringing them into a new relationship. I, personally, would look at the entire situation analytically and see how forthright he is. Does this guy want to date a woman interested in just fun or a woman dating with intent for commitment? A guy in this situation probably does not even want another long-term relationship resulting in 2 or 3 more kids. He is probably just looking for casual sex and light-hearted fun, so he should let the woman know this up front. Secondly, what do they have in common? People should forecast the future and date according to what they have in common with the person they like. I know plenty of women who have dated below them financially who became miserable when things got serious. When it was time for the woman to take time off from work for pregnancy leave or child rearing, they struggled immensely because of finances. That destroyed the relationship. I also know women who have dated up who are miserable, because the men are either busy all the time, condescending, or very self-absorbed. Ive noticed that couples with a lot in common usually work out better. Women tend to want commitment and security. Men tend to want looks and fun. I know numerous women who would not mind dating a man who has less financially, but those men dont want them because they are overweight or not that pretty. Secondly, what judge ordered that situation? Any therapist would tell those parents that they both need to provide a quiet, private situation for those kids when they are visiting the parents separately, because children interpret privacy as security. Visitation is extremely important. Are the roommates having sex with their girlfriends at night when the kids are spending the night? If they dont visit the father, is he going to stay with the ex-wife when he visits them?

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  32.   Nandi says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    laugh_sailor I think it is just to much thought put into "what makes a relationship works"...I never brought into that relationship/marriage is hard work...Shouldn't be if both are committed to each other..Should be relatively easy. However, let's be real...everyone have a basic criteria on who they are attracted to...Personally, I am most attractive to intelligence, integrity, character and a moral compass...But, on the physical..I do require physically fit, well-groomed (doesn't have to be suit and tie though). Most people who have these qualities are not irresponsible in their personal lifes or financial lifes on the average.

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  33.   Nandi says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    surprised I agree, you must be reading my mind!!

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  34.   surprised says:
    Posted: 01 Aug 09

    @ laugh-sailor Well Said

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  35. Posted: 31 Jul 09

    Oh, one last thing: This approach requires two self-aware, highly and openly communicative and very generous, honest, selfless and loving people. It's not for everyone.

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  36. Posted: 31 Jul 09

    noplayer - Thanks for steadfastly holding the obvious truth up for all to observe, in such consideration. Women - Come on, get real: The vast majority of women look to men's careers and incomes as qualifications for dating. Pretending this isn't so is as silly as pretending men don't notice women's breasts. Common keywords women use in profiles for types of men sought are "successful" and "professional." I could fill this blog with justifications women have used with me about this particular attitude. It's a rare and highly sought-after woman who looks past this. As noplayer has shown so well, it mainly hurts the women with this attitude: By focusing on $, they have not only lost out on many wonderful men but have also lost focus of the fundamental things that matter in life and the qualities that make for a truly happy lifetime together. Would making a life with a man who doesn't earn as much lessen a woman's standard of living? Of course. Does a high standard of living really buy happiness (Advertising professionals aside, please.)? I'd take a car-camping trip with a woman I share a deep love and common passions with over an exotic trip to a place I've longed to visit, with a selfish woman, any day. This is what it really boils down to: Selfishness. That's precisely the opposite attitude necessary for happy longterm romance. Most men accept this naturally when they look for their mate because they understand while money makes life easier, it does not make or even fundamentally improve happiness. Most women, in their relatively new chance of financial independence, have yet to learn this. Some of the many dangers of this attitude are: * When the couple is experiencing the inevitable hard times, the expectation of money making happiness will set them up for fundamental problems and unhappiness. * The implied insult to the person in the couple earning less (probably taking care of the family) is an awful burden in the relationship, creating an inherently unequal and damaging dynamic. Women are familiar with this attitude from men insulting their integral role in the family on the basis of not earning an equal amount. * Focusing on who earns more in the relationship destroys most positive synergies and rewards greedy selfishness. We're synergistic as a couple and are not best as two individuals with the same attributes. Fundamentally and quite obviously we're different. The support and love we have for each other is so very empowering: This is what noplayer is speaking about. It's a beautiful dynamic.

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  37.   takinitall says:
    Posted: 31 Jul 09

    You know it's sad how marriage has changed. I hate to say both men and women have to protect their assets. I don't have much, but I'm sure not going to loose it to anyone. One of my friends is getting married to a financially secure man who everyone loves. He asked her to sign a pre nuptual agreement and she got upset and refused. She feels he's allready expecting the marriage to end and doesn't trust her. I tried to explain to her that he's just trying to protect himself. If the shoe was on the other foot what would you do? I pointed out that she has 5 kids (none of which are his, but he takes great care of them), only makes $3500 a month, leases her car and lives in an apartment. Of course I pissed her off after all that. But I explained to her, be thankful that God has sent you him. As women we want it all, but if you did not work with him to acquire those things don't try to take them. Remember, pre nups are only for things acquired before the marriage. If you really want your marriage to work, you must work with your partner to acquire things together. I love No Players advice your wife is your companion, not your competitor and stop trying to keep up with her, hold her hand and walk with her! that goes both ways.

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  38.   surprised says:
    Posted: 31 Jul 09

    The majority of society will always judge a man by how wealthy he is and judge a woman by her beauty. I don't know many women who want a broke husband or many men who want an ugly wife. Sometimes our choices may not be based on our own feelings,but our insecurites. We can care to much about how people percieve us. We might pass up a good man because if we take him to meet friends and family and he can't answer that important question" what do you do for a living? " with an impressive career we might be afraid that we look desperate and are settling. I don't think that applies to most of us here, because we go against societal norms by dating whom ever we like despite their culture. I am hoping that the majority of us do not have an agenda; I like men, all men, not just black or white ones. Personally, I am a character person. My man doesn't have to be rich, but he has to have integrity. We can gain wealth together and buy things, but I can't buy character for you. I guess I can look past money because I am a victim of many stereotypes and misconceptions based on my physical appearance. My outside does not match my inside. People assume I am all about vanity or gold digging just because most people think I am attractive. They never bother to find out what I have to offer or what kind of person I am. I guess that is why I can see past a mans low income. I am more concerned with what kind of steward he is with what God already given him. I would have been all over Obama! I love a smart man!

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  39. Posted: 30 Jul 09

    No Player I am so in agreement with your last post from 29 July!!!! Right On Man!

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  40.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    A long long time ago ; I was just an Old Piece of Coal - Became a " Diamond " due to this site / Believe with time all things can Happen .

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  41.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    @ takinitall Sexually Transmitted Debt (LOL), now that's a first! I was always taught as a young man that you have to be able to look after you and yours. It seems these men made the big mistake of not having some "JUST IN CASE MONEY" put up somewhere. Often times a divorce can clean a man out financially, so he should have some money put up somewhere so he wont end up back at home with his parents. He could use this money to get back on his feet because without it he'll be in a world of hurt. I think every man should have a RECOVERY PLAN, I know marriage should be forever but that's not guaranteed. The courts will look after the women and the children(if they're any) but the man must look after himself? Credit and background checks sound like a good first line of defense because now days things and people aren't always what they seem. It's sad that it's come to this but you have to look out for yourself. takinitall, in the words of the late Barry White (in his soulful and deep voice), "You got it it together baby!" Peace!

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  42.   ngbabe says:
    Posted: 30 Jul 09

    Sure, bring it on the usual suspects---I mean, anyone, and their cousins can feel free to insult black women- This is by far the most derogatory and racially biased article I havr come across on this site----who set the standared that black women must be measured based on how they compare to white american females---obviously some are ignorant of the cultural differenced between black american and the white females Ok, Mitchell is supportive of her man and so are millions of other not- so famous black females--(supporting and sticking by their men even through imprisonment)-Instead of seeing mitchelll as representative of millions of black females who for generations have demonstrated unwavering support for the black brothers; she is instead seen as an exception---possessing characteristics unlike most black femalesg but similar to those of the always innocent, pure, angelic, never do wrong white american females---- OMG--I am so emotionally outraged that I can hardly articulate my thoughts!!! May God have mercy on people who use articles such as this to promot their racial biases.

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  43.   Drcourage says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    Yoyo99 made a good point in clarifying the difference between substance and wealth. Morninflower, I agree, the "he has big ears" portion was a bit of a stretch. All in all, I think any of you women could simply substitute Obama for whatever man is your type and ask the same question posed by the author of the article.

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  44.   miri2008 says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    @Takinitall - thanks for sharing your experiences with us and teaching us something - much appreciated (and respected). At this point I have had only one on-line dating experience turn into a real life dating experience, and I sure learned the value of a background check then. I can assure you that now, there is zero chance of me allowing someone that I meet on-line any substantive access to me or my life prior to a background check. Just want to pass on to all a very good site that I found on helping people to make a safe and sensible transition from on-line contact to real life dating: http://www.onlinedatingsafetytips.com/GettingStarted.cfm

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  45. Posted: 29 Jul 09

    I wouldn't - he just isn't my type that's all... - even at his so called "latter - sexy stage in life" - I am sorry.. he doesn't do anything for me. I sort of see the appeal.. the charisma and I was proud to see him sworn in as President BUT...he does nothing for me... With that said, I am a little disturbed by this article which potrays Michelle in a less than flattering light - what do you mean "she saw past his goofiness, brokeness and big ears"? I don't think that has anything to do with it. I mean.. cammon?! like seriously? Sure we all have standards and preferences as far as what we find attractive - but I don't think that when Michelle met Barack... she did not think "he has big ears but I can overlook that"? cammon now?!

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  46.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    @ miri2008 -- You make a valid point and that alot of men(not all) have problems with women that are materially comfortable and most of thoses problems have alot to do with HIS feelings of inadequacy. These insecurities that men have are the result of measuring our worth by the size of our wallets. Here's one for you; what does society call a married women that earns less than her husband? A wife! What does society call a man that earns less than his wife? They call him a bum or a loser! We've also allow society to define who we are by what we do for a living. Have you noticed when men meet eachother after exchanging names, one will ask the other, " so, JIM what do you do for a living?" It's like the verbal, who's penis is bigger contest. It's so sad that we carry this madness into our relationships and we end up having the same contest with our women. I'm sure it's a turn off when a woman gives a man a chance, only for him to start with that old "she makes more than me drama", when he knew she made more from the start of the relationship. LOL I once told a friend that had these same issues, "your wife is your companion, not your competitor and stop trying to keep up with her, hold her hand and walk with her!" "CONFESSION" Being stuck on stupid damn near got all of my shit thrown out in the front yard (LOL) and those words of advice kept me at home and out of a singles apartment.

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  47.   takinitall says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    Great scenario yoyo99! I have actually experienced something similar. Unfortunately, it was too much for me to bear. I met a great guy who sacraficed the equity, paid half of the mortgage on the ex's house (was married 10 years and paid the whole thing and as part of the divorce has to pay half for 15 years), great father (in addition to his $1800 month child support paid full tuition and bought the oldest a new car), credit was shot due to ex maxing out credit cards, had to rent a room and had a great job. I personally could not see myself with him, because it was too much interference from the ex. Many men confuse being a great father with being a fool for a woman. This particular guy did not go to court for his divorce instead went to a mediator and agreed to everything the wife asked for. After hearing about his arrangement, I did the math she will only have to pay her mortgage for 5 years on her own. Oh the best part is she also got citizenship as a result of their marriage and admitted she used him for it. I feel as parents, you have to work together for the better of the kids. His ex did not pay anything except utilities as she moved her new boyfriend in to pick up the other half of the mortgage. After he paid all of the ex and children expenses he barely had any money left to do anything. As a single mother, yes it would be great to have someone bear the finances for my kids. As their mother I would not want their father to struggle when I can help with the kids. As a woman dating I am looking for my husband! I don't mind my husband helping and taking care of his kids, but there is a way to do anything. I am not willing to inherit anyones STD (Sexually Transmitted Debt). My second experience was even crazier. I dated this guy who had 3 kids when we met. Every weekend he had all three of the kids and appeared to be a great father. Well being the woman I am, I started my background investigation to see who I was dealing with. I quickly discovered he owed $125000 in child support, all three of the mothers were on welfare and the youngest child was possibly not his. Of course I asked him if he knew about the child support and he said yes their mothers have other kids and needed the welfare for them. When I told him about the youngest; this genius told me she told him she was pregnant a week before she had the baby and the baby was pre mature, but they sent the baby home with her. Not foolish enough yet. I liked this guy so much I offered to pay for a paternity test for him and she didn't have to know. I encouraged him to do this soon or else he will be stuck with a bill he may not have to pay. His response was she wouldn't lie to me she isn't like that. Ok now I'm telling all my business, but I can critique myself as well. Everyone I date must pass a background check before moving on to the next level. Call it crazy, but I have kids and they must be protected. Too many people lie about their pasts and I can't afford to be caught up in nothing. Second I personally am not willing to take care of another womans household. Yes, I want a responsible partner, but I also want a smart one. I feel men need to take care of whatever they have going on with their ex's before moving on. If you are not in a situation to have a family, let women know up front to avoid issues. Everyone's situation is different, but I will "keep" no man including my husband. I come from a male dominated family and was taught very early that if a man loves you there is no limit to what he will do to keep you. I also believe that men and women should have some skill or trade they can hustle to make extra money. For me I sell houses part time in addition to owning my consulting firm. I have been very blessed and thank God everyday for my blessings. Why is it that women are able to make a way and swallow our pride to get what we need, when men make excuses! I see so many mothers in the food bank lines, applying for any job they can get, selling themselves and anything else they can to make ends meet for their kids. I am not a millenium dater. Maybe a more liberated independent woman can handle "keeping" a man, but not me. Subtance to me is being responsible, positive values and morals, belief in God, strong work ethic and understand that his wife is his first priority after God. Not saying the babies should suffer, but he had to draw the line somewhere. I don't know where your guy lives, but $75000 is more than enough to do what he needs to do. I'm sure he's not paying $5000 in child support and since he sacraficed the equity he's not paying anything on the mortgage. Therefore he should have some money left over to do what he needs to do. He should see a financial planner not a girlfriend!

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  48.   yoyo99 says:
    Posted: 28 Jul 09

    Cocoa: You hit the nail on the head when you said you want a partner with 'substance'....often we're confusing substance with 'wealth' or 'financial security' or even 'independence' Here's a wee scenario to consider: An attractive (you know it's not me now lol) middle aged man, a local community leader, respected...with post graduate qualifications and a stable professional job earning $75,000+ ends up divorced due to a marriage breakdown with faults on both sides... ...he foregoes his share of equity in the family house so his kid can stay in the same neighbourhood with friends and go to a good school...he pays over and above what the courts set for child maintenence cause it's his child...but as a result has to share a house with 3 others, and struggles to pay the bills each month...at least until he get's some debts cleared. ...does he have 'substance'?...is it ok for him to expect a future partner to help 'keep' him for a while?...would you give him a chance..? PS: As for the previous comment about diamonds coming from coal - coal may not be that valuable or nice to look at at, but it does provide plenty of warmth and energy and here's a lot of woman out there deserving of that!!

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  49.   miri2008 says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    It seems to me (note, before you write and beat me up, I said it SEEMS to ME) that a woman being materially comfortable sparks one of two responses in a man who has less materially: i) His (natural) male instincts of being the hunter/provider is violated, he is uncomfortable, and either tries very, very hard to catch up with the woman materially, or he gives up and tries to pull the woman down because he feels unable to catch up to her; OR ii) His (natural) male instincts of being the hunter/provider is not functioning, and he settles down happily to enjoy the ride :) This is my reason for trying to stay within a commonly shared socio-economic status (note: this is my head talking - I have had my heart kick in and poof lol) I stuck with my individual experience and perspective to make a point. Black women are not a vat, basket, pot, container, crate, barrel, of some undifferentiated stuff. We are individual people with divergent perspectives, experiences, and yes, even histories (a topic for another blog). There is an alarming tendency to simplify things to give ourselves the illusion of control that the feeling of having comprehended or solved something can bring. The truth is that we are on an evolving journey which is moving faster than stats can be collected, and is more meandering than can be casually observed. So maybe we just accept that we are all in this amazing experience called life, with a myriad of possibilities still to be explored. Maybe an encouraging blog about sisters who found someone to share life with is in order. Enough with the dire proclamations of blight upon black women. I personally reject all of that negativity with a vengeance. Miri P.S. Yes, some of you recognize this as a post from a prior blog... hmmm... I wonder why this exact response fits here just as well as it did in the prior blog...

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  50.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 09

    @ Shotgun007 I enjoy participating on this blog, I'm not window shopping and I'm not keeping my options open! @ TanSexyHot31 Lord knows I'm "TRYING ! LOL I understand that people will not always agree with eachother but it's all about trying to understand eachother's point of view and I've done just that. @ takinitall I've always agreed with you that women shouldn't settle for a man that's not productive and has no motivation to progress in life, on that much we agree! I think if more women had held men to at least the basic standard (stable employment, having his own place and paying his own bills)some of these men would not have went as far as they've gone in trying to live off of women. You'll always have these sorry asses out here looking for a "second mama" and sad to say it, you'll always have women out there willing to be a "sugar mama" to these clowns. takinitall, by all means uphold your standards, I aint mad at cha! Just like you and many of the BW on this blog, I aint got time for games, I got dreams to turn into reality and places to go. I'll see you on top of the mountain!!!!!

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