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Infidelity in women

Posted by Ria, 25 Aug

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He was one of the good guys … the kind that cleans the house and all the things women expect their husbands to do. Turns out he was one of those married guys who lie about an affair with a woman who produced his campaign videos and only came clean after being cornered by the media.

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Well, that is John Edwards cheating on his wife with Rielle Hunter. And much as the wife already knew about the affair, she stood by his side during the campaign.

Why do we always hear about high-status men’s infidelities but rarely get that about women? Is it easier for men to cheat?

Well, according to a study released this week from the University of New Hampshire, women are ONLY seven percent less likely to cheat than men. And according to MSN.com survey last year of 70,000 people, female respondents were twice as likely to use an affair to get out of a relationship or find emotional connection or be with someone who made them feel sssssssssseeeeexy! For men, sex, sex, variety sex and more sex! Much as women can cheat for sex too, it’s easier for men.

However, for married women with kids, it’s much harder to stray; especially with the housework and taking care of kids they have to take care of as compared to their husbands. So for such women, the spouse-free moments to have a sexual tryst is not easy to come by. Plus most married women with kids don’t want to be the ones telling their kids mummy and daddy are breaking up coz mummy was humping another ‘daddy number 2’.

Whether it’s for more sex or emotional satisfaction, or having more time in your hands, is there an excuse to cheat?

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33 responses to "Infidelity in women"

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  1.   WiseChoice says:
    Posted: 03 Oct 09

    Thank you so much Homesteader,...and bas44 !! I appreciate your viewpoints. As for the way you run your blog,.. Ria,.... You have my total respect. Thank you for the wonderful work you do. If others had any idea how hard you work to make your column the success it most definitely is, ...they might not take such a critical stance;... -as if they could do so much better than you clearly do!!! Your creativity...insight,... constant survey of fresh input and your willingness to share the "spotlight" and patience with posts who seem to want to put you on their level ... (or assume they are somehow on yours)... ....all of that is very giving on your part. You don't really have to do it. After all,... this is YOUR blog. Let contenders go create their own, if they find it too difficult to respect your work ..elevating the whole concept of interracial dating/romance! Of course some of your input is bound to irritate a few thousand people sooner or later;..but so-be-it! The truth is, that we need to provoke certain issues and get to the core-reasons why wounds don't heal. You do a good job of stirring the stink, so-to-speak and clearly it NEEDS someone to stir it...until the mess gets cleaned up!! I don't believe in burying racial issues!!! Clean them up!!! Well,... so much for my take on that issue. I just get tired of reading all the "Ria-YOU-didn't- get-it-right-AGAIN!!" (crap) from people who have never bothered to put their own blog together and may have no idea how much work goes into doing what you actually do!! Not mentioning any names;...because I see this same deprecating attitude on several of the stories you cover;..so it's not limited to this particular one! And no offense intended; even if it is offensive. The fact is that most of us really APPRECIATE this space and support it! ---- And yes!! A little more "learnin'" wouldn't hurt a bit! People are NOT becoming more and more superficial and self centered; ..it is just more evident due in part to media exposure and maturity. Beyond that, human nature is what it is. "What's-in-it-for-ME?" is as old a question as when David killed Goliath! It didn't start yesterday. (Ask me for chapter and verse on that one if you desire to look it up and can't find it). By the way,... Saul was a Black man,..ere-go his daughter;..therefore David was married interracially long before he met Bathsheba; Bible-fans!~ ---Now,...here's where you ALL can disagree with me if you choose to do so. It's okay. I can take heat. But I think there's room for mercy and understanding ... even forgiveness for women (or men) who develop secondary involvement with another person outside their primary relationship. It seems to me, there are extenuating circumstances in which such situations might naturally occur for nondescript reasons. That is to say, --reasons always exist;..but perhaps our judgmental view of a person with an extramarital union might be possibly be tempered; if we knew all the facts surrounding their situation. ----Just a thought! You're easily within parameter to challenge with my view; ... But ..while I have a very loyal disposition, I know I have a capacity to forgive and accept a mate who might stray from traditionally-trod paths. To me,love is an unconditional conscious state which is irrespective of the actions or inactions of any other individual within that unitarian relationship; including what she may or may not do, think or feel. Especially in interracial relationships, I think we need to be especially forgiving because of all the hidden nuances which don't immediately surface. I can base this postulate on actual experience. Well,... forgive me if you find this view offensive; --as it is really (not) intended to be. Again, thank you, Ria;..for bring up the subject! Grace to you! . I think there is a case for sympathy

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  2.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 20 Jan 09

    Love and Happiness / do not judge others

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  3.   bas44 says:
    Posted: 20 Jan 09

    Very good blog from last year, my personal thoughts being married, I feel that I have very good relationship with my husband.Early in our marriage my husband was serial cheater.Because of the love I had for him, children and God I forgave and we moved on. I looked down on my girlfriends for cheating and eventually leaving their husband for other men. I was very bias.Now that I'm in my 40's my desires have got stronger and miss the relationships I had with Wmales.I thank God for this site because I can chat with Wmales on friendship level, it's enable to fill those desires in safe area. I don't get sexually but share past and present relationships pro and con with dating IR (which I can't discuss with my husband we both are black) I also have enjoyed email and IM(Instant Message) with married men on this site, we have alot in common. I not looking to meet anyone in person but discuss similiar interest.Too be honest this site has saved me from wanting to cheat. It has allowed married people to be honest about their status and interactive with others. And by the way, the last seven divorces that I knew, the WIFE left the husband for an affair. It wasn't about sex but emotional-soul bonds.Thanks for allowing me to be truthful!!!

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  4.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 03 Sep 08

    I think(hope) we got the issue cleared up Ria. The later posts are retorts, not necessarily related to anything you posted recently.

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  5.   Ria says:
    Posted: 03 Sep 08

    Coppertop, you still on my case? i thought we sorted this man to woman ;-) .

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  6.   Jade74 says:
    Posted: 02 Sep 08

    Thanks JIB/Ken.will get back to the repond.My comment got lost and not saved,so I will start over with my comment on this..Thanks for keeping it real.

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  7.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 02 Sep 08

    I guess you have it all figured out. The rest of us must be idiots. Can't wait to get my learnin on.

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  8.   karamo says:
    Posted: 02 Sep 08

    I was enjoying the conversation regarding the article on cheating and a few things came to mind. Among the first, is the concept of sex and how it is corrupted by the three Western religions which I would not be surprised influencing the thinking of most of the response to the article. Sex is biological, somethings most people fail to recognized. Are we capable of controlling it by ethical and moral principle? I have my doubts, but nevertheless there are those of us who feels that we can. Maybe we need to look at "cheating" as most of you refer to it from a rational perspective, and we might derived at vastly different conclusions than make much more sense than the conclusion which we currently have on the table. From another perspective, sex can be used and has been used for a host of reasons. Women used it to be close to men they consider powerful. In America Black Women used it to get what she wanted from White men because Black men were considered a boy and could not even provide protection for her. So she was always available to White men. After realizing that it could provide her with certain resources the black man could not provide, she made use of the opportunity. Black men on the other who sought to copy what White men were doing, were not as fortunate as the sista. I think we need to get rid of this emotional baggage as it relates to sex. Maybe they need to teach a course in college which truly reflect sex and sexuality from antiquity to the present, and what most of you will learn, is that many of the hangs ups and baggage we carry are western oriented which is not good for us.

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  9.   JIB says:
    Posted: 02 Sep 08

    Ursue, Please understand that "cited reasons for divorce" doesn't hold up as an authoritative source for the reasons of divorce. As a practical matter, 49 states (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce) allow no-fault divorces and don't require a reason beyond "irreconcilable difference" as grounds for divorce. And I believe we both know that people who want a divorce very badly will paint the other person in as bad a light as they possibly can in order to get what they want. Additionally, cheating can be real or assumed. Check out this article: http://www.utexas.edu/courses/pair/CaseStudy/DH.html This study cites another study giving reasons; infidelity was not mentioned as a cause. I'm not defending "us guys," I'm just showing that the answer isn't all that easily divined. Jade, you asked the question "what is cheating with the Church." Well if you consider that a cheating spouse is stealing time away from the other spouse then I would suggest that ANY activity that steals time away from a spouse that (particularly if it was an inordinate amount of time) then that's "cheating." With my soon-to-be-ex, she found reasons to be involved with the Church nearly 5 out of 7 days of the week on top of working a 40 hour week and commuting 2 hours a day. Some find it admirable; they didn't see a spouse at home with 7 (and for a short period 9) kids in the house who had to make routine trips to Walmart at midnight just to get grocery shopping done. For the most part completely non-supportive at home and absent for things such as birthdays. Ninety percent of this was by chose not by duty. Might not be the traditional concept of "cheating" but I think it qualifies. BTW it could have been "fishing," "bowling," "garden parties," or anything else. Ken

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  10.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 02 Sep 08

    No dictionary needed. Read two posts up. Ursue is not a word, its someones name. And thanks for the response to the post but to understand why I had a concern you would have to see the original title to the post of this blog. What I'm concerned about really is the misandric tilt of a lot of the articles posted to the site.

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  11.   swiggie58 says:
    Posted: 02 Sep 08

    Coppertop; You're obviously a sharp guy with a lively and inquiring mind; but you need a dictionary. What the heck does "ursue" mean? Do you mean "ergo" ? What struck me about the origingal article was that it wasn't about WHY women might "cheat"; but why they couldn't seem to manage it as much as they'd like. It was almost like Ria was bemoaning the fact that it's so hard to find the time to cheat as much as she'd like to; and that if life was more fair and less chauvinistic then cheating would be easier for her and other women to get away with. What a low-level aspiration to have. One reason there's so much cheating going on is that so many people make too many promises too quickly to the wrong people; i.e., people that they barely know. Lust and Love are not always the same thing; but lots of people don't know the difference. Lots of women may turn me on or arouse my lust, but that doesn't mean I want to marry or commit my life to all of them. Another modern problem with Fidelity is that too many people, men and women, have such unrealistic expectations. Everybody wants to be "independent" and an Island unto Themselves; yet they want a 110% committment TO themselves from their mates/partners. We all want EVERY-thing; and Life just doesn't always allow for that. One reason that our grandparents and older generations stayed together better was Economic Interdependence. They NEEDED one another. We pick our potential mates like shopping for a new car or a new pair of shoes; and we expect to trade up to a newer, better model every few years. We have Unrealistic Expectations. Another factor is what fkoi pointed out. Previous generations were more moral, more church-going, more honest. Your word was your bond. Lying was not okay, in any area of life. Women didn't go into a marriage or relationship expecting every day to be a page from a Harlequin Romance novel; or men expecting a GQ or Playboy lifestyle.

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  12.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 02 Sep 08

    Nice points fkoi, imho. I think Clinton was pretty low in that regard. I also think it was lame how all of the women that came out and said that he harrased them were lambasted and austracised. Ursue what year and month was the GQ article you read printed? Honestly 67% seems very extreme. And if the respondents were all voluntary(they responded to the inquiry on their own and just mailed or emailed their responses) the study wasn't scientific. It couldn't have been an accurate sample of the population. "When questioned about the study, the authors gave some lame excuse about not trusting women." ...Who questioned the authors? What was the question?

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  13.   Ursue says:
    Posted: 02 Sep 08

    We had better consider the source. The last time I read such a study, it was conducted by GQ a men's magazine and the respondents were all men. When questioned about the study, the authors gave some lame excuse about not trusting women. Now a more authentic study via the American Bar Association cited more male cheating almost a 67% difference. When they were questioned they simply showed the evidence: cited reasons for divorce. nuff said!

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  14.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 01 Sep 08

    Cheating is a matter of accepting responsibility. If you say you will be faithful, be faithful, or else your word is a lie. If you are gonna be with someone else "on the side" admit it and accept the consequences. Male or female, with children or without. If you don't tell the truth, you are a liar. If you are not okay with identifying yourself, and being identified, as a liar. Tell the truth. Can't you just see Bill Clinton, at the time the most powerful man in the world, in his private mind quivering in hopes that Hillary doesn't find out. And then trying to weasel out of it by playing word games. If he was honest, he could have told Starr that it was none of his business. He couldn't allow himself to be identified as a liar, 'coz of his, and her, political careers. How'd that work out for you, Bill?

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  15.   Intolaw4u says:
    Posted: 31 Aug 08

    The question in the article ask the question is there an excuse to cheating refer to both men and women, even though it stated some statistics about women cheating. People wouldn't have to 'continue to cheat' if they took the necessary time to get to know their partner to know if he/she really is their soul mate. It phatoms me why people think that humans are just born cheaters, regardless of their morals, ethics and life committments. I think people have this negative view because they may have been involved in situations like this themselves and haven't come to the realization that people will only treat us the way we teach them to treat us !I was married to my soul-mate 7 years ago. Unfortunately, he passed away from a boating accident. While we were only married for 7 months, I had truly found my soul-mate and there wasn't anything in this world that would have made me change my mind about marrying my husband (not even Denzel washington) and lord knows this is one of the finest specimens created ! So all I'm saying is, is that we must evaluate ourselves and if something/someone isn't right for us, stop gettting into these vicious cycles of settling for something we know is not right for us. This cuts down on the mental and physical abuse and gives us time to cleanse ourself emotionally and spiritually.

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  16.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 31 Aug 08

    Something that separates us from other animals on the planet is our ability to truly think about the consequences of our actions. Even if humans weren't built to be monogamous we still have the capacity to understand the hurt our actions would cause to a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. Cheating seems to be much more prevalent in today's society than the past. If it was something that was commonplace since antiquity I would say there is something to your assertion. I just think people are becoming more and more superficial and self centered.

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  17.   chaemeleon says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 08

    I continued as per into remark.. Rephrase.. Can we consider that one of the reasons we cheat is because we are not by nature monogamous? Or perhaps 'we may not be by nature monogamous? I meant to suggest that 'cheating' and extra - marital affairs so summarily dismissed and its particpants judged..yet so prolific in society bears greater analysis for its motivation.

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  18.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 08

    And since when did John Edwards ever clean his house? They're multi-millionaires!

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  19.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 08

    "1. We cheat because we are not by nature monogamous? Comment by chaemeleon on 28 August 2008:" Is that a question or statement?

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  20.   chaemeleon says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 08

    I wish that there was no cheating period however can we consider the following: 1. We cheat because we are not by nature monogamous? 2. Most people do not end up married to 'the - one', their 'soul - mate' whatever you wish to call it and so in a sense, sometime unbeknownst even to themselves they are still searching? 3.Cheating is seldom about the other partner, but about the relationship? Most time the partner who has got the short end of the stick feels as if its an indictment on their own worth when it really isn't...it points to the worth of the individual who has strayed, who may be immature and lack the capacity to commit, or simply wants more? The issue for me with cheating is as regards honesty. If you feel so compelled to cheat by all means go...it'll hurt..but is much preferred really.

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  21.   Jade74 says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 08

    What is "an affair with the church"?

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  22.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 08

    That is what I was trying to point out. It doesn't matter what gender a person is. The problem I see today especially in the U.S. is that men are "assumed" to be cheaters and all sorts of other things negative. I joined a friend of mine with two women that he knew. One of his friends was talking about a bad relationship she had and then mentioned that "All men cheat". She might have well said all African-americans steal or do drugs. In my eyes sexism and racism are of same evil.

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  23.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 08

    i agree that 7% shouldn't justify that men cheat more...however,its known that cheating is character trait...so Copper lets rest our case that anybody can cheat

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  24.   JIB says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 08

    copper, you have it right. Cheating is a tough nut to crack regardless of who does it and what the circumstances are. I'm in the process of ending my second marriage - the first one she had an affair, the second she "had an affair" with the church. No difference in the pain or hurt that either caused. I was completely faithful in both until the relationship was dead and then I moved on.

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  25.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 08

    It is. Thanks for the change. I'm not saying there are men out there that aren't being unfaithful. I just get the sense that in society today it is implied that "all" men cheat. Like its in the Y chromosome.

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  26.   Ria says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 08

    Hope that's better Coppertop. Thanks for your opinion.

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  27.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 08

    Kenyanito thanks for the response but its not me I'm concerned about really. It seems we both agree that the title wasn't really gender sensitive but you still say men cheat more. The first study Ria quoted only showed a only 7 percent difference between genders and infidelity. Is seven percent justification to make one gender out to be the bad one?

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  28.   kenyanito says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 08

    sorry copper, you are realy taking it hard on yrself..while i agree that the title should have been gender sensitive but statistics show that a higher percentage of men do cheat than women..Not all women are angels too

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  29.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 08

    Thanks for the understanding. However, for this article I would have titled it something like "Stats on the women who are likely to cheat". It's just that the original title makes it seem like something its not. And I would emphasize "some women" because not all women cheat or would have reason too. On the same thought not all men cheat or want to. Honestly I see a larger problem in western society today were it's ok on many levels to demean men and boys. Almost like it's ok to make fun of Caucasians for not dancing well. "For men, sex, sex, variety sex and more sex!" Is that what you really think of us?

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  30.   Ria says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 08

    Now I get you I guess ... Tell me what you want it to be. Something with a male positive spin ;-)

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  31.   coppertop says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 08

    I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I didn't say women are more likely to cheat. Neither did the first study you quoted. What I am saying is the title is somewhat misandric. It seems to me that most of the articles posted here have a male negative spin. The title "Why women find it hard to cheat" almost infers that women don't cheat or are less prone to doing it despite what the article says.

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  32.   Ria says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 08

    Hey coppertop. You probably didn't get it at all. Yes, women are more likely to cheat... But then again the title is about 'why women find it hard to cheat' - married women!!! What do you think the title shoulda been? Enlighten me. Ria aint g** you know.

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  33.   Pia65 says:
    Posted: 25 Aug 08

    John Edwards is just the lastest public figure to get caught.....I'm sure there are more...its just that their crap hasn't risen to the surface to spotlight their misconduct! He's an attractive man with a approachable demeanor and he got caught in a vernable situation and acted on it. What he did was wrong, but I believe he's not accountable to us as the public since what he didn wasn't "a national security issue"....I'm sure he would still be able to do his duty as a public servant (President)and serve in whatever position he would have had....(Remember a few years ago he was running as V.P.) It wasn't that long ago that former Pres. Bill Clinton was in a similar postion.......but he still managed to run the country. He has similar public presents in being a "Charismatic" figure. Yes they were both wrong, and for whatever their excuse was......stress, etc........ BUT its none of our business to past judgement on them........They are accountable to the Lord above, to their wives and family.......However those relationships may crumble those men have to deal with the crumbs left by what they've done! Bottom line? Hey, think about it...What have you done that you think no one has found out about? "Don't throw stones"!!! As for us (the public and the media)we need to realize that no one is perfect...but hopefully a valuable lesson was learned, and not go down that road again. We need to let these issues go.....After all..Well...We don't get a vote!

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