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Should you keep secrets from your partner?

Posted by Ria, 19 May

Yes! Yes! Some things are better left bottled up inside of you.

Whenever you meet that special someone you are supposed to share everything … that I don’t dispute … your fears, dreams, thoughts, bills, medicine cabinets! I don’t dispute that. But there are things we share that kinda complicate as opposed to improving that young, sprouting relationship … TOO MUCH SHARING I call it. It all comes down to right timing. But is there a right timing for some things? Honesty is the best policy yes. But not honesty like ….

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You Don't Turn Me on Right Now: There may come times when your partner won’t turn those lights on for you. Better swallow your tongue in such moments especially if he or she comes out looking like Edward Scissorshands. Compliment what you like and ignore what you don't and cross those darn fingers they get the message. If he or she touches you well, tell them over and over how good that makes you feel.

I Flirt With Others at Work: Stats don’t lie. People have lusted for their co-workers without ever making a move. So you have no intention of taking it anywhere. But do you want to think your significant other is spending 8, 10, 12 hours a day around flirtatious and attractive co-workers, especially when they look, smell and behave at their very best? I didn’t think so. So if you cant stand that thought, what makes you think your spouse would? Keep that to yourself. And if you feel you must share sexual secrets, talk about that crush you have on some Hollywood celeb NOT the co-workers in the adjacent cube.

I Can't Stand Your Friends: I am a culprit I must admit. Our partners circle of friends come in different categories … the perfect package, nice enough, and the how-the-hell-can-the-two-of-you-be-friends category. The last category – those crazies – are the bad influence we don’t want on our partners. Much as you may not like them, your partner has more history with them than with you. And if they don’t rank high on your list of favorites, keep it to yourself. Boxing out a man's friends is a relationship deal breaker, according to 83 percent of men we surveyed. And 62 percent of women would end a relationship if a guy doesn't get along with her friends. Best advice: Ignore those crazies … I mean, they don’t do you. ;-)

I Still Think About My Ex: It is natural and breaking up with your partner when you tell them this secret is natural as well. The internet has increasingly made exes a bigger threat than ever before. People search online for their long lost exes and this can really make your partner jealous and fearful - especially when the phenomenon of people reuniting with very old flames has recently exploded. Please … please … leave your exes where they belong … IN THE PAST!!! And do the same with any conversation about them.

I Can't Live Without You: You can’t live without him or her? What were you when you hadn’t hooked up? Dead man walking? You CAN live without him or her. And the key to a successful long-term relationship is to ensure that you've got your own life. Say “I love you"?, say “I enjoy you"?, say “I desire you"?, say “I appreciate you."? Don’t you say “I can't live without you"?. Its creeepyyy!!

Well the above are things you should keep to yourself. And if you have to talk about them, talk to your mum. Better yet, share them here …

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27 responses to "Should you keep secrets from your partner?"

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  1.   precious6 says:
    Posted: 10 Jun 10

    It is good to be open to each other but somethings are better left unsaid...Only say what is needed and feel is ok to be said.

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  2.   Member says:
    Posted: 22 Apr 10

    Thank you for your comment Jeff. Yesterday, he was asking me a last chance and showed me his ‘CONCESTED DIVORCE’ filed on 2007, and he said it was before.... but now it’s already UNCONCESTED and he would file it again on July. I do not know what to do now. I am totally confused. He already lied at me once but I still love him.

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  3.   Jeff2555 says:
    Posted: 22 Apr 10

    If you've found that he was lying to you you should break up with him, yes. -Jeff

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  4.   Member says:
    Posted: 21 Apr 10

    Me and boyfriend were living together for almost 2 years. He asked me everything all about my life... and i told him coz' i don't wanna keep secrets from him. When i asked him about his self if he once got married? always his answer is "NO". He said he has a kid with my Ex-Girlfriend but they’re not married. I trusted him for 2 years. Few days back, his EX called. I felt that there was something wrong behind that calls... and I was right! He confessed me that he was married when he was 20 years old. But they broke-up on 2007. It hurts me so much.... Is it a right decision to break up with him for keeping secrets all these years? Please help me!

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  5.   Member says:
    Posted: 20 Aug 09

    I too believe that you need to be able to have an open and honest relationship. HWat you accept is personal preferance. I know from experience that when your partner is't honest with you, from a female perspective anyway, a females intition kicks in. It leads to finding the truth , but in the process , many hurt feelings. No sharing your secrets from the past I don't feel is always necessary, what's important is today. What happens today, in your relationship this is what really matters.

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  6.   sweetdaddy says:
    Posted: 27 Jun 09

    if you are in a relationship with someone and family memebers hear some things about that persons past relationships which he/she didnt tell you and you ask your partner and he/she says they are lieing and your family is trying to convince you to break up with that person should that happen

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  7.   sweetdaddy says:
    Posted: 27 Jun 09

    if you have been with someone for three years and and you love that person but people like families and strangers says the person has been with other people more than the amount that person told you and your partner says they are lieing should that affect the relationship

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  8.   sweetdaddy says:
    Posted: 27 Jun 09

    if your partner told you that he/she has been with only two person and you are the third person but other people are saying he/she has been with more and she says they are lying what should you do

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  9.   sweetdaddy says:
    Posted: 27 Jun 09

    if you are in a relationship for three years you and your partner talk about eachothers past but people keep telling you other things about your partner what he/she did in the past and you ask your partner and he/she says those person are lieing and you really love your partner should whatevere people say affect the relationship and your partner said they are lieing

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  10.   jennifer says:
    Posted: 24 May 09

    i have been with my boyfriend for a year now. he knows what happened btw me and my ex. BUT IT makes me soo uncomfortable that he asks exactly wat we did in bed n how many times we have done it. i tell him the truth but he still feels like there is more.. so i felt like i had to lie n say sumthing. and i felt so guilty so i told him the truth later. n now i have hurt him deeply some things are better left unsaid but it is important u r honest with ur partner. i learned that

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  11.   Rambo says:
    Posted: 03 Nov 08

    I've learned alot from both my ex and my current partner,we all hold secrets,and the ones you find AFTER its over are realy the ones that make you glad you didnt hear them during that relationship. How ever,what if you know your partner is hiding something crucial to the relationship but are afraid to ask cos you might be seen as TOO INTRUSIVE..... And there is something in your gut that tells you,is it paranioa.? or a warning sign...

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  12.   rae56 says:
    Posted: 20 Aug 08

    Some things are meant to be shared, others are not, and as fkoi said, "you have to know your partner." What is their level of sensitivity to certain things... how deeply will what you have to say, hurt them? Of course there are some things that, not matter how much it hurts the other person, they have to be told. But for most of us who have a shred of compassion for others, we spend our entire lives balancing, how NOT to hurt another person against being honest with them.

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  13.   islander says:
    Posted: 24 Jun 08

    i believe it depends on how you approach the issue and how you put the issue across for your partner to understand........though we may imperfect and have differing ideas and emotions, but its good to share the right issue with the right people at the right timing......sometimes its good to keep it a secret for betterment of the relationship

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  14.   Alitta says:
    Posted: 10 Jun 08

    It's supposed to be that way! A while lie is good for both!

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  15.   dada says:
    Posted: 07 Jun 08

    It depends on what stuff u are holding back.If its potentially damaging then your partner is better of laerning it from you rather than someone else. She/He may even end up forgiving you and admiring you for your honesty.

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  16.   Nandi says:
    Posted: 25 May 08

    SxyWhtTiger, Exactly! You also sale your potential partner short by lying to them...Just because someone have had a bad relationship or whatever, doesn't means they have not grown and learn from it...I can accept human imperfections because I am not perfect...I would tell you and it is your decision to accept it or move on..That is your choice as well and it certainly doesn't make you a bad person for your decision either... But you gotta wonder how someone who would not tell you things that are important data to building a healthy relationship..I would consider that manipulation...Not a good quality to start a relationship on...

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  17.   SxyWhtTiger says:
    Posted: 25 May 08

    I definitely think if you want a relationship to work you need to be honest 100% no matter what it may be. If your significant other gets upset or you they call it quits then the relationship wasn't meant to be. I think trust is not given...it's earned. Also I think if they haven't been honest over one little thing then they possibly weren't honest about their feelings for you either.

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  18.   tenderflower says:
    Posted: 23 May 08

    The question should be "IS IT SAFE TO KEEP SECRETS FROM YOUR PARTNERS" sometimes the truth hurts, but its better it is shared than held back. i would rather am told to truth or rather i know the secret than live or wonder in uncertainity

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  19.   Cloe27 says:
    Posted: 23 May 08

    Keeping secrets can definitely hurt a relationship but it depends on how long you've been together and/or how much trust you guys have in each other. In my opinion, you should be allowed to keep some stuff to yourself but I would like to think that my man wouldn't feel that he HAD to. I would like to think that he trusts me enough to be able to handle whatever dirt he's got hidden under the rug. But then you only gain that kind of trust and knowledge of the other person with time.

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  20.   blkbeauty31 says:
    Posted: 22 May 08

    Ria, is this a trick question?

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  21.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 22 May 08

    To me there are three things working here. Number one, not everything that has happened to someone in their past is his/her (new) beloved's business. We all share secret's with people that we have sworn to never tell or know that we shouldn't tell. If I told where all the skeletons are every time I fell in love, well I might be friendless, disowned and still be looking for a love of my own. Second, how you tell someone is as much a part of the message as what you say. Just 'coz you say what you mean, doesn't mean you have to say it meanly. If I don't like a certain outfit and I say (if asked), "I don't think that's very flattering on you.", it is way different than saying, "It makes you look like the north end of a southbound Clydesdale!", isn't it? Finally, you have to know your partner. I don't want to know that you still think about your ex. It's okay and it's natural and can probably be assumed, but I don't need to hear it (and if it is so pressing that you have to tell me, maybe you have unresolved ex issues that need to be worked out as a solo before being in a new relationship). In spite of those caveats, it is important to be honest and open with a partner, revealing more and more as the relationship grows. And if you think he's gonna hate it 'coz you've got some guy's name tattooed on your rear, you are better off letting him know before he discovers it on his own. It's only fair to him. And to you. 'Coz unless they share the same name, it's gonna get noticed!

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  22.   Nandi says:
    Posted: 22 May 08

    I find it quite telling that so few people have not posted on a whether or not to tell a secret blog? LOL

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  23.   majestic_one says:
    Posted: 21 May 08

    depends on the secret. i believe that things should be shared and communicated. but if you are talking about it can affect the relationship, NO. and that means, finances, cheating, lying, secret life.. lol. yeah you need to tell the person. that kind of stuff can bite you in the ass.

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  24.   Nandi says:
    Posted: 20 May 08

    Actually, it depends..... I dated a guy once and we were getting along just fine....I asked him a question about his ex-wife once!...something like, what was the cause of their break-up...Boy, he just went-off on me as if I slapped him or something...Which was a red flag that something is not right.......I did not think it was an intrusive question. Sometimes you need to ask people questions just to see their response...Because it can be very telling about them, themselves...I tell you I never asked anything about his ex-wife again,,,but slowly other things came out and I realized he had anger issues and on meds for depression...No thank you But, I found an easy way out of the relationship, without telling him...No it is really not you LOL Not all details about someone's past life needs to be exposed or discussed, but some details should be required because it tells alot about that persons character... I mean this guy whole demeanor, tone and look on his face change...had not I asked...I would have sworned his was mild-mannered, respectful, even tempered etc...Not

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  25.   ethereal99 says:
    Posted: 20 May 08

    I guess we all leave out info in our relationships. Maybe no one is blogging here because they don't want to think about it?

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  26.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 20 May 08

    Some things are better left unsaid. From past experience

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  27.   ethereal99 says:
    Posted: 19 May 08

    Good points. There are always things better not verbalized. This will be for the good of the relationship. Although, some parnters can handle more details & honesty than others.

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