Taking control of a one-night-stand
The thrill of a one-night-stand … Don’t think any other sexual escapade beats its allure. The final delivery of the prize after chasing the unknown must be very satisfying - for the chaser of course. One-night-stands are the firecracker of sexuality: short, explosive and memorable – if you didn’t have one-too-many drinks.
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Much as some of us hate them, we tend to get sucked into them at some point in our lives. Maybe you just got dumped and don’t want anything more than the physical or maybe it was a dare or you just saw this stranger and lusted for him or her.
Whatever the reason, the memory of that passion filled encounter makes most of us get tempted to have a second night … even when we clearly know that what we had was meant to be purely physical. At the same time, there is that other party. Maybe in a bid to make your conquest, you sent misleadingly wrong signals. Or maybe, you had such a perfect physical connection that made you entertain the thought of ‘May be it wasn’t merely physical after all’.
How do you take control of the situation and prevent your one-night-stand from dragging out for longer than that one night? How do you break ties in a forthright but respectable manner?
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65 responses to "Taking control of a one-night-stand"
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homesteader says:Posted: 07 Mar 09
Over a Million Safe miles on the Highway / Books on tape to keep me awake - Cruise control . W900L Kenworth . Thought I was God .
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VA_SongBird says:Posted: 07 Mar 09
Homesteader, I didn't know you had the Motown sound! I guess driving that truck on the road, you probably could humm a few good notes.
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homesteader says:Posted: 06 Mar 09
Truckers are aways in it for the Long Hual .
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homesteader says:Posted: 06 Mar 09
I Heard it through the Grapevine . That someday She Wood be Mine , Life is just one Sucessful Venture after another , Believe . Reality Happens Today , To Enjoy Tomorrow and Forever after . All Relationships start with a One Night Stand .
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homesteader says:Posted: 06 Mar 09
Those were the Days my friends , We all thought they would never end . Alas we all get Older and grow up with Time passing before us .
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 05 Mar 09one-night-stands are risky because there's no way to know what bag this person will come out of after it's over. amj78 you are correctabout the possibility of contaminating yourself with bad energy. There's no such thing as no-strings-attached. Two people having sex is more than physical, it's an exchange of energies and just because they shower, dress and leave doesn't mean they've left you. An older gentlemen I used to work with told me he stopped cheating and was scared to death the night his wife told him she knew where he'd been. He said she told him, "I don't have to smell her perfume on you, see her lipstick on your shirt, or smell "HER" on you, " I felt the BITCH when you walked throught the front door, now get out and take her back where she came from" ! He said that his alibi was tight, he'd even had a friend to pick up groceries for him and put them in his trunk 20 minutes before he was to go home. This goes to show that you take that person with you after you leave. I learned this first hand after having a one-night-stand back in the day. I'd meet a woman at a party and one thing lead to another and we ended up spending the night together. No numbers were exchanged and we didn't even talk of hooking up again, we just went our separate ways when it was over. Two days later I saw her at a club, we made eye contact but that was it, not even a wink or a hello wave. I felt offended, yeah it was a no-strings-attached fling, so why was I mad that she didn't acknowledge me when see saw me? Looking back at it now, I understand that two speparate energies became one and it didn't end once the fling ended. A part of her was still with me and a part of me wanted her to acknowledge me, even if I had no plans to sleep with her again. You just have to be careful of want you expose yourself to.
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homesteader says:Posted: 03 Mar 09
Earned every minute of Life , Got paid to travel . A Paid Tourist
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homesteader says:Posted: 03 Mar 09
And Yes I do remember how much fun it was being younger , alas had to work to get older
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amj78 says:Posted: 02 Mar 09One night stands can be theraputic. Like the article states, you could have just ended a relationship or gave in to thrill of instant lust. I agree that you would have to be somewhat detached to just get in and out without thinking twice. It's also about what you are looking for but that goes back to detachment. The point of one night stands are that they are one or more nights with no feelings or strings attached. It could potentially spiral out of control because its risky in so many ways. You definitely are sharing your person with someone and possibly contaminating yourself with bad energy.
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homesteader says:Posted: 02 Mar 09
We live in the Present day time - We are Happy , We look to the Future for far better days yet to come . The past was a Horrible time of Ignorance . Enjoy your time on this site because Romance should be the Happiest time of Our [ generally speaking ] Lives
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Sciencegeek says:Posted: 28 Feb 09Thanks Martha54. My last post was generated more for the purpose of both, women and men to look at their profiles and read it from the viewers stand point. Are you searching for your perfect mate or the mate that will make you happy, provide security, communicate with you and give you the love that you are seeking. Sometimes our criteria doesn't match who is out there. Thus, the reason why some people settle for one night stands. I won't leave a message to a woman if I don't meet the criteria they are searching for. The same with women. Why would they want to email me if I am looking for someone that looks like a model, rich and lives in Beverly Hills? Quick answer: They wouldn't.
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shamsar says:Posted: 28 Feb 09
This is all very interesting, 20 years ago, I use to think one night stands was for losers, people who deep down were lonely, insecure and needed physical release to feel wanted. To some degree this is still the case. Now I can understand why it happens, both for men and women, I personally don't go down that road, because I am very fussy about what I put in my body and for religious belief. I'm not opposed to an non-one night stand, as in sleeping over without going all the way, and to be quite honest, I can see why more women, especially older and divorced women are into one nighters. It doesn't involve commitment, changing their lives, dealing with all the trapping and issues with sharing your life and space with someone. I've been divorced for over 5 years and I am use to coming and going without anyone's permission, I am very independant and enjoy my freedom, paying my own bills etc, if I wasn't so fussy I would prefer one nighters to a relationship, however I am trying very hard to let go of my space and start looking into sharing it with someone special
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homesteader says:Posted: 28 Feb 09
Everyone Enjoy , Believe it shall happen .
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 28 Feb 09
martha54 you are right, as young men we should have respected ALL young ladies, needless to say we were young and we were clowns back then. It wasn't until an older women chided us for being disrespectful to a few young ladies while being respectful to her. She told us, " the girls who don't respect themselves need YOUR RESPECT the most, they want your attention but give them the right kind of attention! " Those words form that elderly woman has stayed with me for almost 20 years and now that I'm a father with two daughters of my own, I regard all young ladies as my own daughters and try to get them to see value in themselves because I show them that I see value in them. It's amazing because it works and it clearly demostartes that we as individuals are powerful if we have the right spirit. Take care!
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martha54 says:Posted: 28 Feb 09Sciencegeek thanks I'm 5ft 4in so I know where you're coming from. There is a fantastic women waiting on you.The height won't matter there are women every day hoping to meet a nice man.In you they'll find one.You should feel blessed if they worry about height you don't need her any way you're looking for love.When love comes to us we don't see height,weight,hair color,eyes or what kind of job we have we see love.Remember what I told you where you see colors of blue and yellow like I do.It's a fact that alot of people in life only see gray.You'll know when you find her and it won't take a life time for you.Keep doing what you're doing my friend all will come to you in time.
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martha54 says:Posted: 28 Feb 09
NOPLAYER thanks for responding back.Did you strike a nerve no I love a good debate.I want you to think about what you said,did it ever occur to you had you and the guys put your bottles away for the other women where they might be in life now?.To often we miss judge people on looks,maybe those women had a something bad happen to make then the way they are.Every women God put on this earth is a queen men should remember that.Sometimes all it takes is a good man to turn a women around.Have a great day NOPLAYER any time you want to debate ask me it's one of the things I do best.
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 28 Feb 09
martha54 did I strike a nerve? I never said, "YOU SAID", I think you and your blk sisters are loose! How many one-night-stands have I had? More than a few but just like anything that comes TOO EASY, it got old and played out! What worked for me in my early to mid 20's no longer worked in my 30's Martha I was not being mean spirited on my post, I was pointing out a behavior that negatively affects the chances of women finding true love. Regardless of the reasons you gave why blk men are non-committal, the fact remains that men will be very very slow to committ as long as women are willing to sleep with them outside of a committed relationship or marraige. Martha54 it's not about the condition of the men around you, IT'S ABOUT YOU maintainting your dignity, inner beauty, and grace as a woman. When you stoop down to foolishness you relinquish your own power, not only to demand but command RESPECT. As a young knuckle head hanging out on the corner, me and the other clowns knew the young ladies that we could talk trash to but there were those that carried themselves like the true queens they are. We knew when we saw them coming down the street we had to "GET RIGHT", so the 40oz went into the bag, the language was cleaned up and the NWA or TOO SHORT was turned off until these queens were out of hearing distance. Why ? These women throught the power of their own dignity and self respect compelled us to respect them. martha54 it's all about you!
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Cocosan says:Posted: 28 Feb 09
Sciencegeek, there are plenty of good women who are looking for a good man. I think sometimes women (and men) have difficulty distinguishing what they want from what they need in a man. There are probably just as many reasons why this happens. Fortunately, I have found that as I mature (both chronologically and mentally) I have learned the difference between a want and a need. Everyone has to find this out for themselves in their own time. Hang in there, when "she" is ready for you and you are ready for her, it will happen. While you are waiting, use the time wisely and productively and hopefully "she" will do the same.
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Sciencegeek says:Posted: 27 Feb 09
Thank you martha54. Let me comment on one of your previous post. That's unfortunate that you witness drug dealing on a day to day basis. I'm about to drop some knowledge on my black sisters when it come to what they seek in men. Today's topic: Height. I see time and time again, women that are 5'1 to 5'7 looking for a brotha that is 6'0ft plus. I wrote about this before, but I will write about this again real fast. First of all I'm 5'7. Ok. Lets go through the stats of us black men. In the U.S. African Americans make up roughly 14% (used to be 12%)of the U.S. population. Out of that 14%, 8% are men. Of that 8% how many are married? Out of whats left of that, how many are in prison? Out of what percentage is left, how many are gay (openly), now out of whats left, how many have HIV? Out of the percentage that is left, how many sell or do drugs? Out of the percentage that is left, how many live in your state of residence? Out of the remaining percentage, how many are 6'0ft and taller? Ladies, wondering why some of you are still single? In some cases, you pass up good men that have a car, have a job, have their own place respect women and settle for these bad guys that are left simply because of vanity (how you look together when you have heels on). Seriously think about that for a minute. How many of you pass a guy like me up because I'm 5'7 and you are 5'6, but if you put on heels, you are 5'9 and in your eyes, you will tower over me. I have a job (no I don't. just got laid off) I'm an Accountant. Doing it for 14yrs. I study Physics, Environmental Science and Investment funds as a hobby. I respect women of all race and yes I love my mother. Go to cbs11tv.com and search my name Cecil Berryman. My question is. Where is all the good women at? The ones that have a more realistic preference to what they are "needing" than what they want their ideal perfect man to be?
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martha54 says:Posted: 27 Feb 09
The only black brother I've seen on this blog that makes any sense is Sciencegeek I hope you meet a really nice lady I beleive in my heart you're love her and treat her right.Maybe should should become a motivation speaker for black men, some of them could use your intelligence,integrity honesty,loyality and strength. Thanks for been the man that you are you're open minded and see colors of blue and yellow where most people see only gray.
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martha54 says:Posted: 27 Feb 09
Noplayer you are so far off base you think that my black sisters and me are loose.Tell me how many one night stands have you had with.I've notice you seem eager to put us down what about you.I'm not about to address this to all black men just some of you they don't make men like my father any more and the few good black men out here are married we don't want any one's husband we want to be number one.I'll tell you why some black men are slow to commit you're in jail,dead,drug dealers on drugs or gay that your pick.I see black mothers on bus lines taking kids to day care and on the other corner black men selling drugs.I leave at 6:30am every morning I get home 13 hours later and the same black men are still on the corner hell you could have worked a full days pay.Why should black sisters have a man like this when we can do so much better for ourselves.Black women don't beat black men down you do that all by your self you don't need our help.As you say let's take some responsibility your're right let's do that get up and get a real job and stop blaming black women for your short comings.As I said this is not directed to all black men but you know which one you are.
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VA_SongBird says:Posted: 27 Feb 09
NO PLAYER... you are RIGHT on POINT. We women at times work against ourselves. Men behave like men, when we carry ourselves as women and command that level of respect.
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Sciencegeek says:Posted: 27 Feb 09
Ladies, gentlemen. It all boils down to a decision that two adults make when engaging in behavior looking for a relationship or engaging in behavior that is all physical. Ladies, correct me if I'm wrong. All my female friends, and most of my ex-girlfriends tell me that a woman knows within 10 seconds if she wants to sleep with you. So isn't it still physical attraction that get both, the man's attention and the female's attention. The difference is a woman is more selective and us men will sleep with almost any woman that wants to give it up. Men tend to be more physical oriented, compared to women that are more emotionally stimulated. Ladies, your thoughts?
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exceltae1 says:Posted: 27 Feb 09The one thing that I have come to realize as I get older is that sex is what you make of it. Sex, by itself, is just a physical act. There is nothing else to it. What gives it meaning is how you handle it before and after the act. I want a full relationship with someone that is that special person who 'gets' me. That we become closer as we are more intimate with each other. Until I find that person, I would not be against having a night or two with someone... although I would rather it be someone who is atleast an acquaintance, rather than a complete stranger. A complete stranger is a bigger safety issue...LOL. As I have grown up, I have usually taken the higher road in most things.... so I don't have any baby-mama drama to worry about. I also recognize that, sometimes, a night with someone may 'open a door' with them that wouldn't be available otherwise. I can think of a couple of girls in my past, that I had serious interests in, but never went anywhere with them because I chose to be less assertive with them, in hopes of displaying a real interest. I can see where something may have developed had there been some intimacy between us as a kinda 'reference point' for connecting... for lack of a better way to explain it. Psychology gives me a headache.... LOL.
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 27 Feb 09
I have found that many women have resulted to "pillow friendships" or "friends with benefits"! Some of these women have no problem making it known that they're just looking for something sexual. To the sisters that wonder why so many blk men are slow to commit, look no futher than the sexually loose sister around you. With so many women willing to sleep with a man without requiring some form of a stable relationship, why would a man want to take on the added responsibility of a marriage? Why make an emotional investment, when you can have a "Hump-n-Dump"? It's quick, it's easy, and it doesn't cost nothing, right? I've listened to sisters beat us (blk men) down on this board for the same behavior that many women are engaging in themselves. LETS TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY HERE ! Can you fault a man for taking what's given to him freely? Why would he put forth any effort? Ladies, reason with me! Could it be that women are making it hard for other women by allowing men to circumvent the traditional path the sexual pleasure?
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martha54 says:Posted: 27 Feb 09
I,ve been thinking of having a night with someone lately.I've been celibate for 14 years.Since the death of my mate.It never bothered me until last year something started happening to my body and it's like wow just out there.I wanted to meet someone nice to share this with it's not that easy. I was hoping to meet a nice guy but I get passed over and over again.I ask myself is it because I come on to strong,my been independent,that I smoke and drink,my pitcure or my profile I can't figure it out.Sciencegeek has a point women do it too.I'm not out to hurt anyone so my postion would be clear up front.I'll pick him up give him a flower pay for dinner and rent the room myself.I'll take him home with the understanding I'll call you men understand that line they've used it for years.I use to make love every year all day on my birthday guest what my birthday is next month who knows.I know alot of my sisters will not like what I wrote but remember one thing I love you any way. I do beleive in love but if I'm not meant to have that any more I need to look at other options for me.
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Sciencegeek says:Posted: 27 Feb 09
Let me say this to my fellow bloggers. Everyone is claiming the men to be the individuals that will be more comfortable with one night stands. This is 2009. The tide is changing. There is just as many aggressive women out as there is men. As women establish themselves financially and independently, they too can go out looking for a man from a physical stand point rather than an emotional one. I've been on the flip side of the "one night stand" and this not not your run of the mill definition of what some will consider a one night stand. How you talk to this person for weeks, months. Get to know them, take an interest in them and then you two go out and the woman tells you that she is not looking for a relationship. Instead, she is looking for a "friend" that she can kick it with from time to time. I have found that more common with online dating then someone I meet at a club or bar setting. What about the men that are seeking relationships? Sometimes that is not the woman's motive. How can we men screen which one is real and which one isn't. In retrospect, typing is just words on the screen. You can anything on the computer, but face to face can reveal a person's true motive (sometimes).
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Sciencegeek says:Posted: 27 Feb 09
I'm with Cocosan. Set the standard before anything physical takes place. Also, if it's good, make it a two or three night stand. :) Hey, sometimes you just have to do it twice to make sure the first time was no fluke. Lol. I'm no good. I know. For the one that asked me "visionaryxx" at y-oo. Don't judge me people!! Ha.
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homesteader says:Posted: 26 Feb 09
Remember , Once you have opened that second door and passed through . Single is now Double and you can never go back to the First and only . Laugh and the world / Laughs with you . Enjoy what you do / as these are your days - Knot Mine [ as I am spoken for . ]
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homesteader says:Posted: 26 Feb 09
Good / Bad or indifferent , Mine are Only opinions based on experiences in Life . I have had my share of disappointments as have all others .
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 26 Feb 09
VA_SongBird and LazyLove I agree with you both. It's easier for men to have one-night-stands because of the lack of emotional attachment to sex that some men feel. Sex is more than a physical act, it's an attemp at bonding with a person spiritualy. There's more to sex than a physical release and that's why it's sometimes hard to walk away from a one-night-stand with out feeling depleted or empty. The more you feel empty, the more you have sex trying to get that fill, only to end up feeling empty again, where does it end ? Men playing this crazy game of showing women love in hopes of getting sex and women having sex in hopes of men showing them love is crazy! There's no substitute for REAL LOVE and sex only reinforces a love that's already in place, so if there's no love, you're only burning calories!
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VA_SongBird says:Posted: 25 Feb 09
Homesteader... you are being a BAD boy today. Hold out your hand young man, so I can smack it. I agree with LazyLove. Sex in my opinion, is as much spiritual than physical. You leave a part of yourself with everyone you go to bed with. That is what makes it so difficult to just walk away. I do understand we are human. My head is not stuck in the mud. But I also recognize as humans, we have the ability to control ourselves and make intentional choices rather than being led by animal instinct alone.
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homesteader says:Posted: 25 Feb 09
P.S. How many times a day do you use the Bathroom ?
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homesteader says:Posted: 25 Feb 09
It all Depends on what you are searching for . Love can come in many forms. Is Knot Life one night at a time ? Been there / Done that . Always felt that it could have been More , Alas it takes Two to Commit . Believe
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lazylove says:Posted: 25 Feb 09To have one or not is a choice not something that just...I personally think that the human body is a temple and we need to treat it as such. To let a stranger touch us in such an intimate way without knowing some kind of background is a very high risk sexually and emotionally. If you choose to get drunk in a bar than you are choosing to put yourself at risk to have a one night stand and probably one without protection. Most people are not prepared to deal with the consequences and I have found that men are more emotionally equipped to have them (or lack of emotion?)than women. We only have one body for life so treat it with the respect it deserves and only let those deserving share it with you!! Cheers!
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VA_SongBird says:Posted: 25 Feb 09
Ok.. Let me add my additional two cents. One of the questions ask how you can break ties in a respectable manner. I really don't there is a way to do this unless you discuss your intentions upfront. That's the problem with one night stands. This is an act of impulsiveness. Just satisfying an urge to merge and generally no one takes the time to think about the implications afterward. I guess the only way I could see someone successfully walking away with no soul ties or emotional damage is if they are numbed out emotionally and sex has become the equivalent of the physical release you get going to the bathroom. In that case, it is easy to walk away.
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 25 Feb 09
Looking back on it, one night stands are a waste of energy, they serve a temporary need for a life long desire. After it's over, what did you gain from it? It felt go for the moment but I'd love to have the option of feeling good night after night and not as a result of a chance encounter. One-night-stands are good ! " One night we can do it while standing, the next night we can do it on the love seat, or we can lie in the bed and do it" ! When you're in a loving and committed relationship, allow your partner to give you all the one-night-stands you can handle and because they love they'll even make you pancakes in the morning! LOL
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rarestgold says:Posted: 25 Feb 09
Come on now, we're all grown. Sometimes a one-night stand just happens - the question here is what do you do afterwards. Acknowledge it for what it was and let him/her go - move on. Unless pointless sex is all you want. You will never have anything more than what you had that night. I'm with homesteader on this one - enjoy the ride then get off (smile).
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VA_SongBird says:Posted: 24 Feb 09
Hmmm... this is an easy question. How do you prevent a one night stand from dragging on... Don't do it in the first place.
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homesteader says:Posted: 24 Feb 09
Anything else is just Sex , Married people Make Love
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homesteader says:Posted: 24 Feb 09
A long time ago I stated that Sex should be after marriage . Talk about Baseball if you wish . But get Married before you have Sexual contact .
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Cocosan says:Posted: 24 Feb 09
Homesteader, if one chooses to engage in one-night-stand, you probably aren't going to get anything else out of it so you might as well enjoy it. I personally avoid them like the plague! I believe that physical union is much too precious to share that casually. I don't believe I can seperate the emotional from the physical - I personally need the emotional union before I can even consider a physical union. That's just me. If two people want to have one, perhaps they could set the rules and expectations before they indulge!
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