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Women shouldn’t take infidelity too personally?

Posted by Ria, 10 Aug

SugarbabeIn a book 'Sugarbabe: Based on the Controversial, Real Story of a Woman in Search of a Sugardaddy', Psychologist Holly Hill says women shouldn’t take fidelity too personally. (Is this even possible?) She also says "Women who cross their legs deserve to be cheated on." Some take huh!

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In a bid to understand how Hill’s mind works, I went through her interview on Lemondrop.com:

Women have sex for things like love, cuddling, kissing and so on. Men have it for pressure relief, a cheap thrill or because their wives have crossed their legs… Our cheating husbands don't love the people they are having sex with. In fact, half the time, they don't even want to know their name. Nature made men and women this way, and without thousands of years of evolution, we will continue to fail in marriage 50 percent of the time. If you don't change the recipe, the end result will always be the same.

Recipe? Well she believes if you cross your legs and not provide a way for the man to get his rocks off, you are going to be cheated on. And for couples who have unmatched libidos she recommends what she dubs "negotiated infidelity". Here, the couple comes up with some set of rules and boundaries that guides their ‘infidelity’. So for women who are pro-monogamy, she recommends sexual alternatives that work for them – say letting the man watch porn as a way of trying to meet his needs.

The craziest thing is some therapists and counselors are adapting her theories and she implies that if relationships are based on biology and mutual happiness rather than outdated beliefs and miscommunication, divorce rate will reduce.

Looking at some celebrities who have admitted to having open marriages - for instance - Jada Pinkett-Smith and Will Smith; Mo’Nique and Sidney Hicks, their marriages actually work. Will Smith went on to say:“In our marriage vows, we didn’t say ‘forsaking all others’. We said ‘you will never hear I did something afterwards’. Because if that happens the relationship is destroyed.”

All this makes me wonder: If most people are coming up with studies that suggest that cheating is inevitable, why try so hard to make sexual monogamy work? Should we give it all up?

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18 responses to "Women shouldn’t take infidelity too personally?"

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  1.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 29 Aug 10

    And nothing helps ensure fidelity like marriage. You would be held accountable more by those around you to be faithful because you would have a wedding ring and you would be recognized as being taken. Otherwise, you can cheat much easier and no one would suspect as much plus you made no official ties to that person. And sadly enough, statistics show that if you have been divorced, you are more likely to cheat and/or get divorced in your next marriage especially if you are a man. Not my opinion but statistical fact so it is better to try and be faithful and make it work the first time around.

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  2.   Newawlunzguy says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 10

    Fidelity is key to a lasting relationship. Both men and women should treat it seriously as an important aspect of an endearing relationship.

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  3.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 10

    Also, if you are used to playing the field and sowing your oats a lot, then it will be harder to be faithful when you do decide to get married because you have no experience being faithful. All you know is how to satisfy you drive. There is no magic wand that gets waved over a person that makes them suddenly faithful in marriage when they haven't ever been faithful in relationships before. That's why I think it is better to be faithful in and dating relationship and not put sex in it before the commitment is there because you are likely to end up being a divorce statistic. And never confuse sex for affection. I think couples that are dating should spend more time being affectionate with each other and the man should have enough discipline not to cross that line which he won't if he truly loves the person he is dating. But that kind of love is hard to find nowadays.

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  4.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 10

    Of course, the more premarital sex you have, the more baggage you will accumulate over time. That is why I suggest people wait for marriage before opening that can of worms unless you are looking for someone as psychologically damaged and full of baggage as you are from all the relationships they had sex without marriage. But if you are prepared to deal with this baggage especially from divorced people, then by all means, have all the sex you want. It is all in the price you are willing to pay. The young lady with the high libido is willing to pay that price and I applaud her for at least knowing what she is getting into. People like me who have seen the baggage and don't want that drama in their life or the gameplaying find the price is too high.

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  5.   Newawlunzguy says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 10

    Marital fidelity, for me, is essential to the relationship. Perhaps more couple should openly discuss and explore libido's and romantic drives before becoming committed. If you are unmatched in this area, I cannot imagine the relationship to be endearing. If 'playing the field', 'sowing your oats' is your thing, then stay single and don't add to the statistics of marital failure, especially one based on infidelity.

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  6.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 10

    I agree with you totally. Women often have the libido of a male. All you have to do is fine the horny men out there which is almost all of them so I don't know why you are having such a problem getting your sex drive taken care of. Your post in an excellent start and I bet you will get hundreds of males sending you messages that they are willing to help you out with your problem. Isn't that nice of them to do so? Sorry to disappoint you but cheating or being with someone else usually leads to divorce if you get married or a breakup of the couple, not turning them on unless you watch certain propaganda films like "Animal Instinct" and films like that. But enjoy your casual sex because that is pretty much what everyone man on here wants anyway. And good luck on your marriage just happily falling into place with no real effort on either of your parts other than you are both horny.

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  7.   1Bee says:
    Posted: 26 Aug 10

    I happen to have the libido of a male. So when I do not have sex for a while, i get super horny. turned on by every guy, girl, or sexually suggestive poster I make eye contact with. I can even get bitchy. At this point, I can pretty much have my way with anyone and not talk to them again. I do not need to have anything more than casual sex for a few times then i'm satisfied. I believe that monogamy was logical, back in the olden days when women didn't have rights. when the average life span was 25-30 years old. but now adays, women do not technically need a man and we are living longer than ever. So I will probably marry my life partner. But set it up so that when either of us wants to try something new, we discuss it in full and let it happen. besides, don't you think that by being with someone else, it will make your partner alittle jealous and things will heat up in the bedroom? and the same goes for the one who is wandering outside of the relationship, wouldn't their cheating only make them want their partner more. It's all foreplay. keeps it hot. it's whatever works for the individual couple

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  8.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 19 Aug 10

    I don't think men have to cheat. And I don't think women have to cheat either. I think that human selfishness and shallow relationships and sexual relationships outside of marriage are setting one up to cheat because of lack of commitment. Even the marriage commitment isn't strong enough to keep people from cheating. But if the marriage relationship was based on deeper things and there was no premarital sex and you make sure that both partners are sexually satisfied as well as emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically satisfied, then you shouldn't have cheating. I was with six women in the past in serious relationships and I never cheated on them even mentally and they cheated on me and left me for someone else. I think much of that was my sensing that they weren't ready for a deeper relationship so I pushed the relationship as far as commonality of interests, commonality of goals, and commonality of world and religious views and I they wanted something shallow with sex and didn't care about marriage. All of them have divorced who they went for and remarried and some more than once showing they weren't self-enlightened enough to commit to a serious relationship such as marriage. I did break the rule with the first one of no sexual activity because we were engaged for five years and she was well satisfied because I knew how to please her and most women aren't pleased through intercourse but need other methods since they are not physically wired like men are. So she was very happy sexually but when I saw she wasn't progressing in the other areas for marriage, I pushed her and we started to have arguments. Then I knew it was the sexual gratification she was after because everything was harmonious in the bedroom but we fought like crazy outside of the bedroom which was a sign that she wasn't ready for a full committed relationship. She divorced man times after she cheated on me and left so I am glad I dodged that bullet or else I would be another divorce statistic and no kids were had or else I would have been another parent of an illegitimate child statistic which is even higher than the divorce rate which is really high and both of them, especially the latter, really mess a child psychologically as I found out through working at different children's homes. Another factor is not to cheat in your mind. I could tell my girlfriends were cheating in their mind long before they cheated physically and I wouldn't even cheat in my mind because of my code of honor and conviction that I adhere strongly to. And as a Pastoral Counselor who has does premarital and marriage counselor, I can stress enough the importance of going to premarital counseling and a good one before marriage. And if things get rough in the marriage, a marriage counselor is essential to help get a more objective perspective and troubleshoot the marriage for you and get at deeper issues especially before they turn into something tragic like cheating. So men and women don't have to cheat if they are truly in love and have a committed relationship and my parents are proof of that as they have just celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary and are still sexually active in their mid sixties and still very much in love. And they were total virgins when they married each other years ago which I think helped the marriage and they both had opportunities to cheat as I saw people come on to them but they never once strayed even mentally. That is the power of a committed marriage relationship that is built on deeper things other than looks consciousness and/or money. So anyone says that they can't help but cheat hasn't reached a stage of self-enlightenment or discipline and they shouldn't use the fact that they can't help themselves as an excuse. We are evolved beings and don't need to be ruled by our baser natures if we embrace deeper things in life. Otherwise, we are just animals which too many people settle for in their lives and never really try to grow. Sad but true. Joseph Moyer

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  9.   Escalademan says:
    Posted: 19 Aug 10

    "Women need to change their conditioning, because there is no way men would change their nature." That is a quote from my novel. Cheating and infidelity has been going on for centuries, its not going to be changing anytime soon. The truth is men, get tired of having sex with the same person they are with after anywhere from a week, to a few years. They eventually are going to want something else to put their package inside of. It's exciting to be with something new that isn't what they are used too. Only a percentage of men are actually getting caught. They want wifes as nanny's at home to watch their kids and freaks on the side to satisfy their urges. Did you know that 85% of escort's revenue come from married men? Do you know that 90% of men would cheat if they knew they could get away with it? Society tells us men, that sexy and attractive is a female in her 20's, that is a size 2-6 that looks like beyonce. That is the goal men are trying to have, its what they look for when they get tired of the female they with. Loyality is gone......... and women are going to feel worst in the future when technology makes it easier for men to get the freaky sex they want. Here is a quote from my personal ad: Why do men put so much energy into cheating? The amount of energy men put into cheating, manipulating and lying, they could use that same energy to open a business, study for a test, get a better job or write a book (like I did). Men need to concentrate on the families they made. This is why the divorce rate is so high, men want more, instead of being happy with what they have already. Women get even with the cheating by hitting men with alamony and painful child support. Men don't realize its cheaper to raise children as a family than splitting and getting hit with %17 a child, in child support. The cycle continues.

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  10.   MichaelDamon says:
    Posted: 18 Aug 10

    First, I just want to say that Men are not the root of all evil. It takes two willing people to commit adultery. Second, speaking only for myself, there is no reason that one woman can't fulfill all of my needs and make me faithful. But just her being female is not enough. It takes work maintain a relationship and fulfill the needs of your partner. When someone gets bored or disinterested, their needs aren't being met. It is incumbent upon all married people to work VERY HARD to please each other in every way if they want to stay married. And I know that this is hard. I've been divorced twice. We work. We have children. We want to have friends. But let's be clear, whatever our individual circumstances are, cause-and-effect is not suspended just for you.

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  11.   BrownClown says:
    Posted: 17 Aug 10

    I think it is unrealistic to expect a man or a woman for that matter to remain monogamous when his/her mate is unwilling or unable to meet his/her sexual needs. And just because a man sleeps with another woman, it does not make him a merely selfish and immature or unloving. We know that many very bright, capable successful leaders such as Bill Clinton, Elliott Spitzer, John Edwards even Jack Welch the former CEO of GE have all risks their careers, reputation and wealth for sex. Does that make them imbeciles. Not every man has the same level of libido and I don’t think that those who have very high ones should be demonized by society. Further, we should stop making the wives who have been ‘cheated’ on by their husbands feel like victims. These couples needs to work something out…some alternative mean of sexual satisfaction so that their marriage survives.

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  12.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 12 Aug 10

    Ria ; Discrimination comes in several ways , Blaming men only for an act that takes Two sexes / this topic would have better brought into the open as : " Do People tend to take Infidelity too personally " / Love " Honor " and Cherish - three simple words We spoke in Our marriage Vows . I am beginning to Believe / your choice of books to read is Limited on the side of against the Male sex . Are you still alone ? Attitude and adjustment of reading material might help you find and Keep a man , LOL .

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  13.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 11 Aug 10

    Get real, just because a psychologist conducts some studies, is no reason for people to fall for the okie doke. I'm weary of people who suggest that humans are slaves to natural urges. Babies wet themselves until they grow and develope control over their biological functions or should I say, they learn SELF-CONTROL. I find women very attractive and being a creature of the flesh, I could easily find myself sexualy aroussed by an attractive women if I was in very close contact with her but I have the power to decide if I'll honor my word to my wife or if I'll turn my back on my word. I think women should take it personal if their husbands are going outside of the marriage for sex because he's going against his word. If the two of them have an open marriage were they allow eachother to lay up with others, now thats an understanding between a man and his wife, so no harm no foul! I work with a guy and him and his wife are going through a divorce because his wife slept with another man, now the crazy thing about this is they were both swingers for the last ten years. He didn't have a problem watching his wife screw other men within his presense but the moment she went and did it behind his back he felt that she cheated on him and betrayed his trust. W____T____F !! Somebody help me out on this one! Draw the line, don't cross it and never let nobody TAKE U THERE if U DONT GO THERE! Peace

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  14.   Max says:
    Posted: 11 Aug 10

    Sex and intimacy is essential for a marriage to work well. i have found that cheating always fractures the relationship whether it is admitted to or not. when i discovered my ex cheating on me I felt betrayed but it was because the relationship was already out of gas. Before I discovered that she was straying, her emotional and sexual participation had dwindled and I was in need of something more so I performed the coup de grace on the marriage. If I marry again, I would never participate in the relationship if there wasnt a sense of mutual exclusivity in the sexual area. why else get married ? before ZI

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  15.   Somthingnew2 says:
    Posted: 11 Aug 10

    But what would that do for me biblically, I believe in bible principals, and faithfullness,so the other side of me struggles with the possiblity of going straight to hell because of it,and if that is the case I'm trying to play that game, I can get real territoral about what's mine, and I don't like to share and shouldn't. If they really truly love you you won't need to cheat, because trully if you can't handle something like that then don't do it, because someone is going to get hurt or even die.

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  16.   Somthingnew2 says:
    Posted: 11 Aug 10

    After being married for 18 1/2 years, and now divorced because of infidelity;I'm now starting to rethink things through, and I'm almost in agreement with you,for this reason. Marriages are broken daily because of this, and most of the time we take them back anyway only for them to do it again. I had a friend who was married and was cheating on his wife, and he told me that the affair kept him and his wife together. But the only difficult part was that the person he was fooling around with was single, which caused a problem she got the short end of the stick. So I wonder what would have happened if both were married, would it help them stay in there marriages. Maybe I should have had and affair and ignored what I already knew,or just marry a man that would agree to have and open marrage.

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  17.   Snazzybella says:
    Posted: 10 Aug 10

    WTH I DO NOT share clothes, food, jewelry or MEN!!! If you are mine, you are mine and I am possessive and I never learned to share with others. This is the crazy thing I have read in awhile

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  18.   gjones66216 says:
    Posted: 10 Aug 10

    Too funny. Blame nature. We are instinctively going to cheat, but we, unlike the more natural beasts inhabiting the earth, were given reason and (hopefully) a moral compass. Cheating is a symptom of something awry in the relationship. When are you going to take anything personally if it isn't in your relationship. Yes, negotiated infidelity does work for some. If your partner isn't doing it for you, yes, you do need to work out an alternative arrangement or else just end it. You ARE responsible for your partner's sexual needs unless you both have a different agreement.

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