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Make me an offer I can't refuse!!!
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Nickname:
| SHAWN69 |
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Location:
| United States, Texas, Dallas |
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Age:
| 51 |
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I am a:
| Man |
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Looking for a:
| Woman, aged 35 - 55 |
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Relationship seeking:
| Long Term Relationship, Short Term Relationship |
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Eye color:
| Brown |
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Hair color:
| Black |
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Height:
| 5'7"-5'11" (170cm-180cm) |
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Body Type:
| Average |
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My ethnicity is:
| Black / Non-African descent |
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Religion:
| Spiritual, but not religious |
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Education:
| Bachelors degree |
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Smoking behavior:
| Hate smoking |
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Drinking behavior:
| Drink Socially |
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Relationship Status:
| Single |
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Have children:
| No |
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Want children:
| Undecided |
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Languages:
| English |
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Occupation:
| Retired |
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When it comes to relocation:
| I would relocate within my country |
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Starsign:
| Pisces |
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Ideally I'd live in a:
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| House in the suburbs, Beach house |
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My fashion sense is:
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| Dress according to the occasion |
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My sense of humor is:
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| Light-hearted - I like cheerful, gentle fun |
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When I go to parties:
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| I go with the flow |
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On a day off, I enjoy:
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| A cultural outing such as museum or gallery, Curling up with a good book, Pursuing a hobby, Watching TV or a movie |
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I attend religious services:
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| Never |
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When it comes to work:
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| I'm retired |
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How would you describe yourself?:
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ATTENTION LADIES!!!
DON'T BELIEVE OPRAH WINFREY'S CLAIM THAT YOU WILL INSTANTLY BECOME FRIGID
IF YOU GRIN, GIGGLE, OR LAUGH HYSTERICALLY WHILE READING MY PROFILE.
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA, 99% OF ALL SEX THERAPISTS WORKING AT THE
RICHARD PRYOR THINK TANK RECOMMEND LAUGHTER AS THE BEST APHRODISIAC.
Which
Is
Why
I've got Denzel's dimples, Magic Johnson's smile,
Barack Obama's gift of gab and guile.
I've got Jim Brown's body, Malcolm's brain,
And I just say "NO!" to drugs and cocaine!
THE "LADY" I WANT:
LOCATION: Within 100 miles of any red light district
HEIGHT: From 5'0" to 5'10" (shorter than me when I'm wearing my cowboy boots hand made from the skin of that snake in the Garden Of Eden)
EDUCATION: PhD in Common Sense
PROFESSION: Prim and proper kindergarten teacher by day.
Tenured professor at Miss Boom-Boom LaRue's College Of Carnal Pleasures by night.
INCOME LEVEL: Enough to treat me to a McDonald's Happy Meal on my birthday
RELIGION: Any... As long as she doesn't practice human sacrifice
DRINKING HABITS: Special consideration given if she runs her own moonshine still.
HAVE KIDS: OK if she has kids, but only if they aren't still nursing... Cuz I HATE sloppy seconds!
ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Any... As long as she isn't featured in Ripley's Believe It Or Not
GROUP MEMBERSHIPS: Anything other than Ball Busters Anonymous, High Maintenance Heathers, or C*ck Teasing Barbie Dolls
BODY TYPE: She can be ANYthang from fat & flabby to skinny mini. It's all good...
As long as she fits into Phi Beta Kappa crotchless panties, and MENSA see-through bras.
Because a clever, brain teasing dirty joke is a TERRIBLE thang to waste.
I need a kind hearted lady who won't try to make me her bitch after I say the "L-O-V-E" word.
I want a lady whose laughter is contagious. And to quote Section A, Paragraph 2, Clause F of our
Pre-nuptial agreement,
"... A LADY WHO ENJOYS TOPICAL, STIMULATING CONVERSATION JUST AS MUCH AS I DO!!!"
I'm a t-shirt and jeans kinda guy, but can be coaxed into a custom tailored Armani tuxedo for Star Trek conventions, drive-by poetry slams between Crips and Bloods, or half-price Big Mac night at McDonald's. I thought I looked wholesome and clean-cut, until the Republican Tea Party used my driver's license photo in their smear campaign against President Barack Obama. They claimed I was the lone gunman on the grassy knoll who forged the Ayatollah Khomeini's Muslim signature on President Obama's birth certificate.
Last book read... The deliciously sexistential novel "KILLING JOHNNY FRY" by Walter Mosley.
Last lady kissed... Well, a gentleman NEVER tells.
WHICH IS WHY I made campaign promises to all unregistered voters that I would NEVER invite
Sarah Palin to a JaneFonda-AngelaDavis-GloriaSteinem power breakfast.
I'm financially secure, BUT NOBODY'S SUGAR DADDY.
I'll pay your way to the "Let's-Be-Friends-First" debutante ball at Buckingham Palace,
If you'll pay my way to the "Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma'am" orgy at the Playboy Mansion.
So let's each pay our own way when we go to VIP events like the $2. 00 bargain matinee at the Butt Bugger Boogie Strip Club, or Bingo Night at the Hallelujah-Sock-It-To-Ya-Charge-'Em-Admission-Then-Give-'Em-Religion Church.
My romance novel about interracial dating made Superman confess he was Aunt Jemima's boy toy.
My love poem about Snoop Dogg divorcing Tokyo Rose to get engaged to Jennifer Lopez made O. J. Simpson re-affirm his marriage vows with Miss Piggy. All you haters of interracial couples,
My Godfather will call upon you at midnight to arrange our duel at dawn...
PLEASE REMEMBER TO BRING YOUR DULLEST KNIFE TO OUR GUNFIGHT!!!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST..."RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!"
Because by unanimous voice vote, every creature on Noah's ark elected me lifetime president of the Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Animals. Which is why I LOVE God's noble and majestic animals, but I HATE Satan's spoiled and unruly pets. PLEEEZ don't expect me to cuddle with your python, bring a bouquet of flowers to your Tasmanian devil, or French kiss your Great White shark. Likewise, I REFUSE to donate blood to your vampire bat. I WILL NOT submit to a credit history check by your frugal poodle, nor will I endure a personality compatibility test with your trash talking parrot. I'm extremely nervous around any cute l'il critter named "Adolf", "Psycho", or "The Terminator". The biggest lie told about a pet is: "He/She won't bite, pee in your car, or hump your leg." Which is why I WILL NOT double-date with you and your twin pit bulls unless they are shrink wrapped in the same full body straight jacket worn by Hannibal Lecter. I don't mind sleeping in the "wet spot", but I draw the line at sleeping on vapor trails of slime from Fluffy, your 40-pound snail. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but your diamond-back rattlesnake is my worst enemy when he has escaped from his cage, and you say you don't know where in your home he's hiding. I'm a firm believer in the Eleventh Commandment, which states that if people were meant to keep live animals in their home, God wouldn't have invented taxidermy.
HAVE A NICE DAY... Praise the Lord and pass the formaldehyde!!!
And remember, ONLY YOU can prevent forest fires.
Because candid communication is essential for a committed relationship.
WHICH IS WHY I pimp slapped Rush Limbaugh when he tried to crash a Black Panther Party
Fund raiser by claiming he was the love child of Malcolm X and Rosa Parks. |
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I am looking for:
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A REAL woman who can perform every Heimlich Maneuver shown on page 69 of the Kama Sutra.
Because I REFUSE to prostitute my pervy principles just so a holier-than-thou high priestess from the Temple Of Born Again Ex-Porn Stars can have intercourse with my mind. |
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Looking for ethnicity:
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| All ethnicities |
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