First date

I guess it would involve you, me, a bottle of tequila, a deaf mexican bullfrog, 3 sticks of dynamite, a battery off of a '72 chevy nova, 3 cans of turquoise paint, and a duck named Edna... Or Bruce (but dammit, no more ducks with down syndrome - it makes me feel guilty). If you expect me to talk to you please meet these requirements:

1. If u wrt emales or snd txt mssgs lyk dis, plsss lv me al0ne. Thnks.

2. If your profile is blank that probably means that your personality is as well. So, if its not filled in, please don't contact me. If its filled out but is fake that is equivalent to not being filled out so yeah, pass me by. I'm trying to find a match here.

3. Be in good condition. You don't have to be a fitness model. I know I know, everyone has a shape. But if your shape can be described as "circle," please at least be willing to get in shape. I will not respond to seriously overweight people. If you're overweight, you eat. If I get with you I will eat & be overweight. Bad cycle. Can't do it.

4. Do not be looking just for sex. It won't happen. (unless I contact you for it first-but I doubt it 😈 )

5. Be clean. I understand that men have different levels of clean. Meaning if it smells clean, then it is. Old cologne is not a smell of clean. Gain is a clean smell. Tide-clean. Old old spice-not clean.

6. Have a job. Sorry, but if you even want to talk to me, please have a job. I can't support you. I am already paying Bill- the light bill, the water bill, the phone bill, and you will not be another bill. As a matter of fact, if your name is Bill, don't contact me. I have too many of you as it is!

7. If you don't have any photos I'm going to assume you are a horsecowdonkey, so go ahead & don't contact me.Duck lips or head tilt in every picture will grant you an automatic DQ. I'm not interested in dating farm animals or dudes with permanent crooks in their necks

8. Do not be a fanatical anything. This includes but is not limited to religious groups. Meaning, if you drink poison, walk on coals, beat yourself in the name of any godhead, practice trepanning, hang yourself from the ceiling by hooks or any other sort of odd behavior do not contact me. I will just laugh at you. I promise.

9. Do not have a great deal of pathology. If you have severe anything, do not contact me. This includes but is not limited to psychological issues. I am a nurse - not a doctor. Normal problems I can deal with. But if you are hearing voices, seeing visions or feeling a "presence"-do not contact me.

10. Be nice. It seems simple enough, but in reality, it really escapes people. If you idolize Hitler, Saddam, Pol Pot, Kazinsky, Genghis Khan, Vlad, Trump, or any other tyrannical leader do not contact me. You don't have to be Jesus, but at least open doors for little old ladies.

11. The only grill you have is on your patio.

12. Do not have any addictions.

13. Don't contact me if you have issues. If you have an ex who is like Michael Myers, ready to slice & dice, don't contact me. I don't want to deal with your drama. If you are still dealing with 'my ex' drama, you are not single. You are only single if both of you agree that you are.

14. Have more than just a nice car, lots of money or a great body. Don't get me wrong, I like a guy with those things but, if that's all you have, keep it. Unless you plan on dropping off the keys and a credit card and never returning. If so, contact me immediately.