Friends with benefits or stress?
Is it possible for a woman to have a 'friend with benefits' and carry it out in the same manner a man would?
As liberated women of the 21st century, we feel we should be able to engage in the same no-strings-attached sexual relationships men always have … that we can pull off flings and go about business as usual. The other day, I looked back at all the men in my life - my friends with benefits in particular - and realized that all the carefree attitude I had towards sex with them, turned to caring at some point ... and analyzing … and anxiety …
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Looking at men on the other hand, these Martians have an 'admirable' ability to have meaningless hookups over and over without getting emotionally hooked onto the ‘friend’ they are doing (or at least that’s what they have led us in to believing :lol: ). So why does this ‘friends with benefits’ business backfire on us women?
Yes, you may be having the 'in case of a sexual emergency' glass button right there with you; but are there benefits to the ‘friends with benefits’ habit? First of all, it makes you question the meaning of friendship because when you ask this ‘friend’ to do you a favor, you can’t help but wonder whether he is doing it because he is your friend or because he hopes to get some sexual reward later. Then there is the heightening of your already too wobbly emotional instability and of course, these relationships hurt ones chances at real romance.
So where are the stress-free benefits that come with such relationships?
They say the hormone oxytocin naturally produces feeling of clinginess after sex in women. So should we blame our failure to have meaningless hookups entirely on nature or has society groomed us to want commitment after a sexual encounter?
Does the idea backfire on men as it does on women? Do men get emotionally attached and want more from this 'friend' at some point too? - Truth please ;-)
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54 responses to "Friends with benefits or stress?"
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newgirl1 says:Posted: 15 Aug 09Two adult people have the right to choose a relationship the way they want. What gets me is when a guy won't be honest about what he wants. Be honest with me about what you're looking for and I'll tell you yes I can or no I don't want that. I have a lot of respect for men when they come at me direct regarding what kind of relationship they want. I'm on this site because I want a relationship that will lead to marriage. Yeah, I'm ready to be married, hehehe. Sometimes I think people think I've said a dirty word, lol. Communication is the key. Be to the point to avoid hurting someone and be honest with yourself as to if you can handle such a relationship or not.
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surprised says:Posted: 04 Aug 09
@ Homesteader Peace and Happiness to you too!
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surprised says:Posted: 04 Aug 09
@ Whurr Sweetie are you ok? Your post are really starting to scare me. Are your comments just for schock value? or are you for real... for real?
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WHURR says:Posted: 31 Jul 09I think lisahottietotrott means business. Literally... I googled her email address and see that she posts the same message all over the WORLD !. She doesn't want a 'quick fukk' because she gets paid by the hour and you would piss her off. Since I am shallow, obese and definitely looking for a quick fukk....she not for me! Thats a shame because she was looking for someone who could be friends outside of the bedroom... I like to cook... I'd have talked to her while I was cooking the cheesecakes and chocolate chip cookies. Dang...... her loss!!!!
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Happy_Girl says:Posted: 26 Jul 09
At one point I did the whole F Buddies thing. It was before I ever fell in love and was clueless as to what sex with a emtional connection felt like. But NOW I know how good sex with someone you love is I could never image sleeping with a man just for sex. It wouldnt be good. I dont care what anyone says. I say give yourself a few years and along will come a man who touches more than your body. He will reach rub your very soul. Then some guy just trying to rub between your legs will not be that interesting. Or maybe that is just me.
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lisahottietotrot says:Posted: 18 Jul 09
If you're shallow, obese, or merely looking for a quick fuck, I am N-O-T for you. Looking for friends whose company can be enjoyed in any setting, including, but not limited to, the bedroom. Email me stargazincdesign@gmail.com xoxo Lisa
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 13 Jul 09Thank you so much takinitall! I've always believed that too much of the same ol thing gets old after awhile and fades away. All things must change in order to grow. Anything that's not moving, is not growing and if it's not growing or developing, it's declining and slowing dying. As people we may start out in a certain relationship but if the relationship does not grow, as we grow as people then we're faced with a choice to move on or stay in a decaying relationship. Men themselves eventually get tired of FWB type of relationship and want something more permanent because sex can only take you so far. You have to have something beyond sex. Sooner are later the "Don't Stop Get-it Get-it" will turn into, "DONT, I'd wish you'd STOP or will you GET the hell on somwhere!" (excuse the slang) Say what you want and want what you say! Peace
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takinitall says:Posted: 09 Jul 09OMG! I just had this convo with a guy I met on here. I find that since I have been abstaining I see men and life a lot clearer. When I was younger, I thought I was a female player. I felt men are using me so I might as well use them to. Yes, I got rent paid, car notes and more; but I lost so much of myself in the process. My friends all used to tell me when you turn 30 the light bulb will come on and for me it did. I realized that my life was so empty. Once sex was removed so were the men in my life. I also realized that as a mother, it is important for my kids to see me in healthy, happy and stable relationships. I can’t tell anyone how to live their life, but stop kidding yourself you are not happy. I find it interesting that one of the bloggers who professes FWB, profile states she wants a LTR. One thing I know is don’t send the message or say things you don’t mean. Women, please stop telling men you “just want friends” or you “just want to have fun.” If you are looking for a serious LTR tell him up front, so he can decide if that’s what he wants or not. Sometimes it’s our own fault our heart gets broken, because we lie in the beginning about what we want. Stop cheating yourself out of what you really want. I have yet to meet a woman who does not want a serious relationship. Even mistresses catch feelings and want the man to themselves (Steve Mc Nair is the most recent lesson). Besides we are women not men, rather you like it or not we are different and so are our roles in life. We can’t do everything they do and expect it to be acceptable. Most men want a lady not a buddy!
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fkoi says:Posted: 24 Jun 09IKARE711, that was a lovely and honest bit of writing about yourself. I applaud both. Too often there is a tendency for folks to point fingers while ignoring the three that they are pointing at themselves at the same time. The less judging I am doing, the more I am learning and living in love. There is great wisdom in knowing that God loves me no matter what. The two greatest Commandments according to the Nazz would have me love God as best I can and my neighbor as myself. That means I have to love me. The busier I am learning that and applying it to the two greatest, the less time I have to poke into OPB. Thanks for reminding me of that IKARE711
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IKARE711 says:Posted: 24 Jun 09
ROTFLMAO I agree - in fact - that relationship I had taught me a lot about myself - I reached a point where I let that go and looked for something more - It showed me what I was not looking for - We're still friends but no benefits...lol
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Member says:Posted: 20 Jun 09
IKARE711 that was well said! I think when two people know what they need and they're honest with eachother then it works out for both people. I think the problem with people who don't understand FWB relationships is, some think that this arrangement is permanent when it's not. People grow and as they grow their needs change and they begin to want more than a FWB arrangement and they move on in search of something more. What kills me is the married people (mostly women) I know who snob people in FWB arrangements, when in truth they're own marriages have denigrated into a FWB situation! ROTFLMAO
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IKARE711 says:Posted: 16 Jun 09
I think this is a sensitive subject for some people – People have a habit of throwing their morals into the mix – let’s face it, religiously, no sex without marriage, so that throws morals out the door if you are single and having sex – I believe that we go thru different places emotionally – Some of my friends and even I actually have dated someone in our lives for just sex – I must admit that I could not and did not invest in that person emotionally, but I didn’t have to be their everything and that made it comfortable – It was not about the other person but about me and what I needed at the time – I had no relationship for a long period of time (years) and I needed to feel like a woman/sexual being – No toy could re-produce that feeling – It was with someone I liked and who treated me well when we were together – it was comfortable for both of us but we both knew that no relationship would follow because at the time, neither one of us wanted one – It’s about separating your heart but some can’t do that –For those of us who can, I’m not sure that’s a good thing – but a question of what’s going on inside ourselves – what are we trying to fill – I can say for me, I was lazy - It took to much work to be in a relationship and I didn't feel like doing it - For whatever reason FWB is not about anyone else nor someone else’s opinion about you – so don’t take it personally – Everyone has their own survival mechanism.
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fkoi says:Posted: 13 Jun 09
Looking through this blog, it seems that some of those who know the least about this subject have the strongest opinions. Hmmn! That's like life outside of this blog. It's a good thing that I don't have to worry about people's judgments. There is only one Judge in the final analysis. Those that judge, as the saying goes, don't matter and those that matter don't judge!
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Girlstar7 says:Posted: 07 Jun 09
What woman with common sense, a heart, emotions and love in her soul would allow a man to be her lover for a time and no real commitement?. For me that seems shallow and wasteful. If a man is going to be with me, he has to be a boyfriend or way more than get it and go type. Not cool.To lay with every tom, dick and harry is very cheap, child like and examining fear of failture. Love and life takes risks anyway, why not make sure your more than just a piece of 1 night, have a night of forever instead..
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whurr says:Posted: 06 Jun 09
I would do anything right now to have a FWB. Hell, I would do anything right now to see a woman naked. I'm getting tired of watching that 65 yr old neighbor Mrs. Jones. No matter how much she struts her stuff in that lime thong, it doesn't have the same impact it did when I first saw it on Feb. 19, 2007 at 4:56PM. SIGHHHHH
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 06 Jun 09
HoneyKissed6 you know what works for you what does'nt, so you have to follow you heart. It's good that your honest with yourself and others and refuse to play games. I was just basing my point off of my personal experiences and some of the things I've learned from my almost 38 years on this planet. I feel whatever type of relationship you have you must be honest with yourself and that person. A person's need are personal and specific to the individual, so there's no right or wrong there's only reality, so " DO YOU"! Best wishes
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fkoi says:Posted: 05 Jun 09
HoneyKissed6, it is a slippery slope. Not everyone is capable of separating an intimate physical experience from an intimate emotional one. You seem to be one who can. You also seem to be one who is honest about what you want and what you have to offer. That is the key. Too many people are dishonest with others and too often even with themselves. If one is just trying to "get a little" and they do not lead themselves or anyone else on, I'm not sure I see any harm in that, providing appropriate safety measures are taken. Your view is always refreshing. I know you don't need my encouragement, but keep on being you. The world's a better place for it.
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HoneyKissed6 says:Posted: 04 Jun 09
So....I take it that the consensus is to abstain til you get that emotional connection with someone. That would also involve being ready to connect with that person, ie have your ish together. Right? So if I'm emotionally unavailable for someone, I can't get none? That's too much for me. True, sex is so much more spiritual when you are in a committed relationship but I'd rather be emotionally and mentally available to go there. Otherwise, it's not fair to the other person. But to go without, that's not natural for me. I don't feel connected to everyone I lust over, but I have them anyway. And those I feel an emotional connection with, I don't lust for. Where's the compromise? I'd rather get "spiritual healing" with the one with I love and lust for. Sex can be enjoyed just for enjoyment. I can admit that if you share your soul all the time during these carefree encounters, you do lose a bit of yourself along the way. I don't do that. Is that abnormal? Maybe. Do I make others feel like a piece of meat and that they are only there for my physical pleasure? I've been accused of that but I've never in my life led anyone on. Which is why I like things known up front. I only practice abstinence with my heart.
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 04 Jun 09
@ Hazelpride and starthai Very good points, totally honest! On seperating the feelings from the friction. LOL When you look at it truthfully, sex is really an act of bonding or becoming one. Some would say it's just a physical act but what's unseen is the spiritual aspect to the physical act. The desire for sex is as much a physical urge as hunger or thurst and just as the wrong food or drink can damage the body, so can the wrong type of sex damage the soul over a period of time. It's possible to satisfy your sexual desires while depleting your soul because the body is wanting a sexual RELEASE while the soul wants a spiritual BOND! When you continue to give spiritual energy by having sex and the soul is not connecting with another soul, then you deplete your soul over a period of time and you'll end up emotionally burned out or feeling empty on the inside. IMO I think it takes men alot longer to get burned out than women. Unless a man is addicted to sex he'll reach a point when he'll desire something more than a hump-n-dump. In due time his soul will long to connect with another soul and when this happens he'll be more than ready to settle down with one women. As a man you'll get tired of reaching out for her and finding nothing but a cold pillow instead of a warm body. You start to think of the ones you've left in hotel rooms still asleep as you left, with not as much as a good-bye or a take care of yourself. You'll start to feel like a piece of meat, that's only good for giving pleasure and you'll start to feel like you're being used. You'll get a feeling for the first time what women go through! See, men are not these heartless creatures, totally lacking human emotions, we're just slow! LOL Peace
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starthai says:Posted: 03 Jun 09"I wonder how some women can manage to separate their feelings from the friction." Hazelpride, I've also wondered the same thing, I've also wondered if it's damaging in the end to the soul, but to be honest I look at men in the same light when it comes to FWB. However, I would have to agree with everyone when they note "it's not for everyone".
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hazelpride says:Posted: 02 Jun 09
FWB, my gosh, will never work for me. I wonder how some women can manage to separate their feelings from the friction. (sex) I really do not condone them for wanting to go this way, it is very difficult these days to find guys who want to commit. It seems eveyone wants to hang out, hook up, or something that is commitment free. It totally backfires more for women I would like to believe even for those die hard FWB. I for one will rather refrain as long as it takes until I find someone who I can relate to on an emotional level, but as suggested it is not for everyone.
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 02 Jun 09
@ starthai I was stating the value of Stevev Harvey's book to women and how it can even out the playing field between men and women because he's giving them a better understanding of men. We both know that alot of men manipulate women (and vise versa)to get what they want from them. It's normal that you're gullible at 18-20 years old because you normally don't have much experience dating and you haven't lived life long enough to really understand the ways of the dating world. When you hit your 30 and 40's you should be somewhat hip to the games that people play and your intuition should be to the point that you can see the writting on the wall. I listen to alot of women tell me about how some guy has ran game on them and I'm like, " How in the hell did you let him run this old, played out, high school game on you, did you learn anything when you were younger?" Starthai hearing some of them, you'd think many never left the house, it's like they just woke up one day and started dealing with men. Now you know how women tell eachother about how THEY THINK men are and what to watch out for when dealing with men but most of the time what you're getting is her opinion based on her experience with the man or men she's delt with. Often times women don't offer insight into the playbook that men play by and this is where Steve Harvey's book is helpful. I agree that it's best to connect emotionally before having sex with someone (not that I always did LOL). Intamcy(Into Me See)is never found by having sex, you have sex to strengthen a bond or an intamcy that's already in place. Now I'll close. As we live and mature our needs change as we change, so what may work for you today, may not work two years from now and so is it with a FWB situation or even a marriage for that matter. Just be honest with yourself and enbrace that change when it comes! Peace!
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starthai says:Posted: 01 Jun 09
Jazz70, NOPlayer and Laugh_Sailor great comments. FWB equals stress for me as well. I learned early in life that casual sex is not good sex and friends are just that, friends. If I don't see any potential there's no need to take it further lets just stay friends. I have to connect emotionally first before intimacy, which is why I've been abstinent for a couple of years now. "It puzzles me that women fall victim to the same game they should have learned about at 18, 19 and 20 years old but they still fall for the okie doke at 30 and 40 years old." NoPlayer I don't get this either. ” if IT don’t FEEL right, maybe it’s because, IT AINT right!” you forgot "if someone shows you who they are believe them" I love that one! :)
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CanadianGC says:Posted: 31 May 09Some interesting and great commnets. The part of thet I picked up on was "First of all, it makes you question the meaning of friendship because when you ask this ‘friend’ to do you a favor, you can’t help but wonder whether he is doing it because he is your friend or because he hopes to get some sexual reward later." There is a difference between FWB and NSA sex and people shouldn't confuse the two. Good or bad, I've been involved in both. In regards to NSA sex, it's simple a matter of two peoplle getting together and enjoying a night out or in. Nothing more, nothing less. FWB, the friend part refers to the fact that their is a emotional relationship also but both are clear that it is based on friendship and will never be more than that. Are females capable of either or both?, From my own experience .. definately, the problem comes when either person is looking for something other than what the other is offering.
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HoneyKissed6 says:Posted: 31 May 09
Jazz, thanks for the post. I still have a lot to learn it seems. And such a lovely topic to talk about.
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 31 May 09
I think what Steve Harvey has done is what every man that has a daughter should do and that's, open his mouth and equipment his daughter with the tools to make wise decisions when it comes to selecting a man. It puzzles me that women fall victim to the same game they should have learned about at 18, 19 and 20 years old but they still fall for the okie doke at 30 and 40 years old. Steve Harvey did alot of women a big favor by writting this book because some just don't understand men. I know alot of guys will be mad at him for leaking secretes but this madness has to stop and when women know the rules that we play by then they're better equipment to effectively deal on an even playing field. I'll leave you with one of my grandamama's quotes when it comes to dealing with men and life in general, " if IT don't FEEL right, maybe it's because, IT AINT right!" Peace!
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HoneyKissed6 says:Posted: 30 May 09
Oh, and thank you NOPLAYER! Some of us woman can think like a man and act like a lady! God bless Steve Harvey!
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homesteader says:Posted: 30 May 09
P.S. I had sex once and it was Good . In fact the worse sex , I ever had was the Most Marvelously Magnificent Splendid time of my Life . Alas ; One looking for a Lifelong Partner / Who gives away freely the Most Precious Gift She has to any Other may be spending Too Much time doing the Horizontal Bump and Knot thinking enough of Themself . Great Sex has Feelings Deeper than that in My eyes . My God if You desire some of this / Earn it . And there are way too many ailments Floating around - Murphey's Law .
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Jazz70 says:Posted: 30 May 09HoneyKissed6, I comprehend fully what you've stated and I was not confused by the topic. I have a view point as do you and I prefaced mine by stating that I was in agreement with a lot of what was said previously. My emphasis was more on a comment Noplayer made(the vagina not being too far from a woman's heart)...which I also prefaced prior to sharing my opinion. It's unfortunate for you, that you feel the "carefree nature" of it all was destroyed but that's bond to happen in a forum such as this...you know! (when your opinion isn't the only one that matters) Lastly, I would never assume that every female wants to be in a committed relationship or can't make the choice to have a FWB. Maybe you shouldn't assume that it's in a woman's nature to think we can change a person’s feelings or behavior. I guess it's unfortunate for the rest of us that we can't be like you but thanks for the extensive lesson on FWB.
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HoneyKissed6 says:Posted: 29 May 09
Homesteader, I completely understand and your views are very noteworthy. I didn't join this site for sex either or to find "friends". I can do that at home. I was just lending my authority on the subject. It is my wish to have the same success in a relationship that you share with your wife.
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homesteader says:Posted: 29 May 09
HoneyKissed6 ; I just commented on my immeadiate interpretation of thoughts , I sometimes / very often I guess write too quickly . Myself ; I did not join this site looking for Sex . My youngest daughter purchased my membership for me , because I was lonely . It took some time / Success came for me here . As in all things in Life / Nothing ventured - Nothing gained . I wish Success and Happiness for All .
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HoneyKissed6 says:Posted: 29 May 09
Thank you lipnic! Jazz, my comment was that an FWB is not supposed to a real meaningful relationship. That is not the objective and when people get that confused and start the "sharing" process, it destroys the carefree nature of it. These are strictly for the times when we are NOT seeking an emotional connection and it is more prevailent in our early years. So if we know the objective, the rules, and able to differentiate between love and lust, can't a FWB be enjoyed for what is? Is it hard to assume that not every female wants to be committed but still want sex? You're right, most women do find themselves getting emotionally involved in a FWB and that is tragic. This is why it's best to know your needs and emotional capacity or detachment, what each person can handle because you'll end up hurting. And its always like a woman to think they can change a person's feelings or behavior. If sharing and emotional connection was important, than engaging in a FWB is worthless. Then its given the arrangement a bad rap, instead of the person that enters it with misconceptions of its benefits. My logic is to go into each situation, ie FWB or long-term, with a good understand of what you want and what you can handle. The minute you lie to yourself about this, you lie to other person. We all can't be like me though.
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homesteader says:Posted: 29 May 09
laugh_sailor ; I think it's called Adrenalin / Good for Heart stimulation .
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homesteader says:Posted: 29 May 09
lipnic ; Thank you for Marvelous Thoughts of Share ing Happiness in Life , Enjoying the feelings of all others / makes Life so much Fuller .
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Jazz70 says:Posted: 29 May 09
I would agree with some of what's been previously stated (at one time or another we have all experienced this), however the answer NOPLAYER's father gave him sticks out for me. Men and women are different! Our ability to emotionally connect with the opposite sex, our children and basically on a human level is partly what makes us women. It's my opinion that the emotional side of a woman is what attracts a man. Don't get me wrong...I'm not referring to an overly emotional female. I refer to the woman's ability to know when something is bothering her man and to know just how to help him in whatever the situation. I feel eventually, most women do find themselves emotionally involved in a FWB situation. It's inevitable! The FWB situation can be an excuse men use when they don't want to make a commitment and a situation women accept in the hope that he will make a commitment. On a personal note...I'm of an age now that the emotional connection is more important to me than a sexual one. Really, when all is said and done the emotional connection is the only thing that will sustain a real relationship...not the benefits!
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lipnic says:Posted: 29 May 09Honeykissed.. u are sooooooo right.. I have been reading a few of your responses and I so agree.. Keep your heart out of it and if u can't then don't bother trying to snap up someone that is not interested in being snapped up... because whatever you try to do.. .does not matter... if he's not into you.. he's just not...period. Life is way to short.. and if we women can just relax and enjoy ourselves the world would be a much better place. FOR MEN! :) and us females... I don't care what some of these guys claim to say on these sites, they all want the same thing and we all need it.. to be held, to be told they are the best ever, and let them think they are the only one. we all need to feel that we are wanted and appreciated. Where I work, I compliment all the men.. I don't care who they are or what they look like.. I usually greet them with "Hi Handsome" and my goodness, you should see the light in there eyes... and I never realized the affect I had until a few of them told me that I made there day.. really confused me because I was not looking for anything special. I feel everyone should be told they are great, wonderful handsome or whatever... and they appreciate it.. my girl friends would say he is soooooooo not cute and I would tell them, that has nothing to do with it... what does it hurt to make someone else feel good about themselves...is it really going to hurt you.. to makes someone else feel good? And i have to tell u I am not looking for some reward but you would be surprised when my birthday comes up (and I don't tell them) or something they know i'm going to do or be, they make a point to be there.. and I am very surprised and humbled and glad they took the time to spend a day with me... and they look at me crazy as if to say, "we would never miss out spending time with you.." It really makes u feel good... I guess what I'm trying to say is it does not hurt to lift someone else up. Doesn't hurt especially if you are geninune in what you say to them.. And they know it... ok... shutting up now.. :)
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laugh_sailor says:Posted: 28 May 09
FWB = Stress for me. I'm simply looking for my mate, my wife, my life partner. Anything else is a distraction and as such, a waste of time and opportunity. I can't not get involved emotionally - Like fkoi, I must be producing oxytocin as well (I suspect there's a male equivalent hormone.).
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HoneyKissed6 says:Posted: 28 May 09
Fkoi, an FWB is different than a NSA because they are virtually unknown people, one-nighters. An FWB are more reoccuring and "stable" where you have someone steady to give it to you minus the committment. Homesteader, being a FWB does not mean "woman thou art loose." I don't bed-hop. Sex can be meaningless if that is how you truly feel about it. Not everyone is looking for sonnets in the morning. With an FWB, you do know their name. You try to pick one carefully that can last a significant period of time to avoid bed-hopping. I love being in a FWB situation when I'm not ready for a Long-term relationship. To clarify, a FWB situation is an INTERIM relationship without the commitments of a REAL long-term relationship. It is in fact a very selfish type of relationship to pursue which is why not everyone can handle it. When one is ready for a long-term, they let the FWB go and if all goes well, it will end with no drama and no lasting damage. And waking next to a FWB in the morning should not be awkward, you are therefore "friends" are you not? Roll over, take a shower and the two of you go watch a football game or something! It's meant to be carefree.
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fkoi says:Posted: 27 May 09
As always, Ms. HoneyKissed, your writing is intelligent, honest and iconoclastic. It is very refreshing to read your views. I guess when I was a younger man I had less oxtocin than I do now. Or it may just be that I am in a different place than I was and looking for a different kind of relationship. I recently had a woman offer to enter into an NSA with me (which I think has less involvement than an FWB, although initials always get tangled in my brain). Perhaps it would have been ideal for me at 25 (although I was married then and my wife probably would have objected. She and I were FWB and a whole lot more, but I digress). Today it touches some issues I have. But when I stop to think about it, dang, where did I put that woman's number? LOL
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HoneyKissed6 says:Posted: 27 May 09
And to answer the latter question, the FWB situation does tend to backfire more on women than men but some men are susceptible to emotional entanglement. Stress-free benefits: *NO gifts so my bank account can keep growing, *NO committments so my time is my own, *NO PDA so that I can stay open to other opportunities, *NO annoying and nosy 20 questions that I don't feel like answering, *NO jealous looks or sulking because they can't have all my time *NO family introductions so I can avoid the questioning looks and awkward introductions *Amazing guilt-free sex *Light and playful conversations *Someone to fulfill my needs late at night when I need to unwind and de-stress from the world without adding to it. *A quick and painless exit to greener pastures, ie relationship, moving, etc. Again, if you are the emotional and attachment type, this is NOT for you. Be real with yourself and what you can handle in regards to a carefree sexual relationship. What works for some, may not work for others.
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homesteader says:Posted: 27 May 09
I will call you , Ria on the idea of Martian men not desiring commited relationships . I may be only one of many , whose heart has been broken being lead to Believe that the possiblity of a lasting relationship was not as I thought it would be in many relationships over the years . Here on this site in 2002 , I started an attempt to find a mate for life . I litterally wasted 5 years being teased by many for weeks and months / when I was seriously looking for a lifelong engagement . As per example ; reading the Blogs topics when one who confronted me in less than a nice way . Came out with a comment gotta go , my good looking man is at the door as he said " I am coming over tonight ." Then in a more recent Blog the same person comparing cities with chance of finding a date . Then passing through the doorway of a new club and the first person asking her to dance . Stories change daily in these Blogs . Needless to say if one has a boyfriend - they probably would not have to enter an establishment alone . ' Friends with benefits ' in my region of the country is viewed as ' Ladies of the evening ' who require money for services rendered . Growing up , I was taught that Ladies who slept with many men were called ' Loose women ' . Thank you for the bananna in the picture as Yellow has always been my favorite color . You are talking to a man who was always looking for an emotional relationship with any who I attempted to date . Chasing multiple Ladies will always end up becoming to much effort and work and very costly / Then there will be the chance of awakening in the morning and addressing the one in bed next to you . Using the wrong name . Please do not classify all men in the same Nature as in your second paragraph . Stating the carefree sexual attitude that you yourself have had . Many of the men who are on this site would be more than Happy to just find one " Keeper " as I did .
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 27 May 09
My dad once told me that, man's penis hangs away form his body but a womans' vigina is on the inside not too far from her heart! This was his response to my question of why do some women get attached after you sleep with them. It was a sarcastic response but he made his point. I think he was trying to say that women regard sex a little higher than men because when a man has sex with a woman he only gives a piece of himself but when a woman has sex she gives a part of herself. Ria to answer your question, yes sometimes this FWB thing does back fire on men and yes we do "CATCH FEELINGS" and want more than just a pillow friendship. Some men after having sex with a woman will become attached for a few reasons; 1) It tells some men that, "The chase is over, she has surrendered to me and now she's mine." 2) When a women gives that sacred part of herself to a man, sometimes he feels that he is THE ONE and he then wants to solidify things with her. 3) Sometimes a man can fall in love with a woman after sex because it shows him that she's not afraid to be vulnerable and he starts to beleive that she has feelings for him, you know the old " she must want me, she slept with me! 3) Last but not least, the sex was so good he just couldn't turn it loose! LOL ( What? Did I say something wrong? ) It's not that nature or soceity is to blame entirely for women not being able to have meaningless hookups, could it be that deep inside women prefer to be with one man in a committed relationship and as a result they don't like going from one man to the next? Proof of this could be women's fustration when relationships fail or they don't lead to something permenate or stable. Women by nature are creatures of security, they crave stabilty and they thrive when they feel safe and protected. Women get these feelings by being in a wholesome and solid relationship, just as a little girl feels when she falls asleep in the arms of her loving father. In the absense of a committed relationship some will seek out means satisfying certain needs and a FWB relationship is an alternative relationship and it's not for everybody.
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 27 May 09
HoneyKissed6 great point! You are a rare breed because most women cant stick to the rules that you have mentioned. FWD relationships thrive on being truthful and saying what you mean and meaning what you say! I'm not saying people should ignore their feelings, should they grow beyond the original plan but they should make it known and move on when the relationship no longer suits their needs. I believe there's a RIGHT WAY to do anything even FWB relationships. Lords knows I've had a few, some were good some were not so good but in the long run I lucked up and found " The Ultimate Friend With Benefits", my wife ! LOL Did I just kiss and tell? If so, my bad! Peace!
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HoneyKissed6 says:Posted: 27 May 09
OK! Finally a question that I have some authority over! I firmly believe that I'm a prime example of a woman that has have successful friends-with-benefits. I do enjoy them because they fulfill a need that I have at the time. These types of relationships can only work if both parties have their issues together and are NOT secretly wishing for more. It just makes the relationship one-sided and that's no fun: not for the person feeling lovey-dovey and all sad because they're affections are not being returned, or the other person who's fun time was cut short because the other person broke the rules by being clingy. Just uncomfortable. This is not to say that an FWB situation can not turn into something more, both people need to verbally speak about it so that there is no confusion. I blame an FWB failure on lack of communication, when two people can not speak up about what they want; one person is always going along for the ride, hoping the other person will realize how amazing they are and will want to take it to the next level. FYI: Not gonna happen! If they couldn't figure out how amazing you were in the beginning to want to have a deep relationship with you, they rarely ever will. These people are looking for companionship without drama. When you understand that, life is very simple. So many people jump into relationships before they're ready. Now that's the tragedy. As far as MY emotional state, I'm very stable, but I may not be the average woman. If they say that oxtocin is produced after sex to produce feelings of clinginess, I must be missing that hormone. Hell, it'll take a VERY SPECIAL man to get invited to my place or sleep over and I usually like to leave when I'm done. I don't and repeat DON'T get clingy or emotionally involved if I don't want to be. Yep, I said it. I have to consciously make the choice on being emotionally invested with a person. I enjoy sex for sex and don't like to let emotions get in the way of it because it can ruin my "high" so to speak. It can turn a great time into a downer especially when emotions are one-sided. This is not to say that I'm disconnected when I do have a relationship. I love to share my life with that man and start being very goofy, but I wont do this for everyone. I'm just saying that when I'm deciding on FWB situation or actively approaching a long-term relationship, my decision is made before engaging in it. I like it to be known upfront what the expectations are. If I'm actively seeking a long-term, I don't want anyone to waste my time with other things. If I only got time for a FWB situation, I don't wanna anyone trying change my mind. I know me best and I know what I can emotionally handle at any given time. Keeps the stress level to a minimum. I don't believe in lying. I don't like PDA EXCEPT with my significant other so I don't have to worry about public issues with FWBs. We both know our role so life can be very simple. I rarely, if ever, get emotionally attached midway into a FWB situation. I wont say that its impossible just improbable, at least for me. But I'm a very private person and reserved with my feelings so I don't like every guy I meet to know everything about me. How are they supposed to get know me then? That's just it...they're not! I reserve those intimate details for the man that I CONSCIOUSLY make the choice on having a long-term relationship with. So I consciously approach them with my feelings and thoughts. And to clarify...I'm not this way because I'm hurt or fear rejection. That's a part of life, you do it or its done to you. Like I said, I'm stable and very self-contained. FWB situations suit me when I don't have the compacity to give freely of myself such as after a relationship, on an extended vacation, busy work or school life, etc. I feel it would be wrong to get emotionally involved when you can't put 100% into it but I'm not about to go without sex. I just can't. But, I don't like to hop around so I need a "friend" that can accomodate my needs and I feel these situations are more successful when both people understand what's expected of them. And before the ladies get all bent out of shape, I don't need or want romance all the time. I'm not looking to connect with everyone everytime. Sometimes, basic needs need to be served. And just because I'm physically attracted to someone, doesn't mean that they deserve to have me share my emotions. Everyone isn't for everyone. I tend to chose, very careful, men that I would most unlikely have feelings for but I find really cute. I know this sounds so technical, but this is MY logic after all. I've had one or two FWB that have lasted for 2+ years. Some a few months. For one friend in particular, we are actual friends and I do care for him. I miss what we had because it was so much fun, but he would not, now or ever, be relationship material for me. In my opinion, to be successful at FWB situation, be very verbal all the time with what you want so that there is no confusion. Can't say that someone led you on if they told you what the deal was upfront. You only have yourself to blame. Once you know the rules and regulations, plan accordingly. In these cases, ladies protect your heart. The more of yourself you share, the more invested you are and that's the opposite of what you want to achieve from this type of relationship. Save all those special moments and inner-most details for the man you want forever with. It's his by right and he wouldn't be so special if every man knew everything about you. I know woman are talkative by nature, but this is not the relationship for that. Just enjoy the companionship for what it is. If you can't, stay away from this relationship. Don't try it and run far from the one that does because you will hurt. As for me, I'll continue to enjoy them when they come along.
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nice comments so far...but i get the notion that some of us have missed the idea. this actually isn't a new concept, it's been around for a while...just like honeykissed said, it's just an avenue where a friend helps out another especially when the friend in question isn't in a relationship. not meant to be a LTR, hence the parties can actually not expect to get any other thing in return.doesn't also replace a relationship, just a method of reliving sexual tension esp if u don't wanna touch urself...hope its clear...