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Should I Keep Faking Orgasms to Build My Man's Confidence?

Posted by Evan, 30 Aug

Our reader Monica sent us an email recently, expressing her concerns about her man's performance in bed. Here it goes...

I have found the perfect man on paper but he has NO confidence in the bedroom. The sex is terrible, between his anxiety and my health issues. He has so much anxiety that he needed pills to get it up. So, after dating 6 months I finally started faking it so his confidence is better but I have never gotten off. I have tried directing, suggesting toys, etc. He finally bought toys but is now so nervous to use them he is avoiding sex altogether.

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To add to it, I had cancer and have had a hysterectomy and double mastectomy and haven’t had sex with anyone but him since my treatments. My past partners and I had amazing sex. I wonder if I had sex with someone else if I would climax. I don't know if it is his lack of experience or me. I feel like our sex life is doomed!!
I care about this guy but OMG this is killing me. Let’s face it, good men at my age are hard to find especially with my health history.
Do I settle or do I stop faking and let his anxiety come back? I’m at the point of avoiding him staying over because I can’t deal with another horrible sexual experience, his or mine. We have talked it to death and he is not open to my experiencing with someone else to see if I’m the broken one, so I’m at a complete loss.
Help please.
Monica

Dear Monica,

Congratulations on surviving cancer and thank you for being so honest in your email. There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s do it, piece by piece.

First of all, this is your boyfriend’s problem, not yours. Yes, because you’re his girlfriend, his erectile dysfunction and performance affects you. What I’m saying is that these are his problems to solve.

You absolutely, positively, definitely don’t “settle” on a guy who is awful in bed.

If you lost your job and couldn’t contribute to the household for a few months, your boyfriend can’t force you to find work even though it affects you. Similarly, you can’t force him to become better in bed.

Next, I don’t judge you for faking it. You were trying to do your part to build up his confidence. I get it. But now, look at the ramifications: you have a guy who’s bad in bed who may be under the illusion that he’s good in bed. Which doesn’t exactly help him get any better, you know?

(This is one of the many reasons I’m opposed to white lies to protect people’s feelings. While the goal is to be polite and not offend, the next thing you know, you’re living a lie.)

Third, your suggestion that you should experience sex with someone else to see if your illness “broke” your orgasms? Well, let’s just say that if a man proposed the same thing, he’d be roundly rejected by the panel of women experts who comment on these articles below. You want to find out if you’re orgasmic, use a vibrator. Don’t openly cheat on your six-month boyfriend.

Finally, you absolutely, positively, definitely don't “settle” on a guy who is awful in bed. If you’re going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you’ve gotta enjoy it.

There are three things you can do right now to get a resolution to this.

1. Find a sex therapist. I’m a dating coach who types 100wpm. You need a professional to help guide you through this confusing time. So does your boyfriend. Reach out to my friend, Patti Britton, and she or one of her colleagues will support you.

2. Stop faking your orgasms. They’re well-intentioned but they create a false sense of security within your partner. Instead, continue to be enthusiastic, vocal, and provide feedback for when he’s doing something right. When he’s not, guide him into how to please you better. You can’t do much more than that.

3. If you’ve done 1 and 2 and it hasn’t impacted your sex life positively, you need to move on. Sex is not the most important part of a relationship, by far, but it is vital to the health of your relationship. Life is too short to give up on sex forever. Next time you find a guy, he’ll be as sweet as your current guy, but also be up to the task in bed. Promise.

Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach who specializes in helping smart, strong, successful women understand and connect with men since 2003. Thousands of his clients have fallen in love, gotten married, started families, and found happiness – after only a few months of coaching. His latest dating book, “Why You’re Still Single – Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad”, was a critical success. He also operates a popular blog, EvanMarcKatz.com, which serves as a one-stop shop for anyone trying to understand relationship dynamics. Combining the insight of Dr. Drew and the wit of Adam Carolla, Katz has answered hundreds of challenging and controversial questions with a unique combination of logic, experience, and empathy. Take Evan's dating quiz.