The man or the other woman?

Posted by Ria, 06 Mar 09

The other woman in every case of infidelity has always been incriminated by society, making her look like the devil personified. We call her all unflattering names in the book – husband snatcher, home wrecker (and those other names you feel you need to add onto this list).

I am not trying to defend her but I think we owe it to her to understand her. Much as she may have done the seducing (as we all like to assume), it was the man who was in a committed relationship; and he made the choice of disrespecting that commitment.

More often than not, she is a victim too. She probably got lied to from the start of the relationship - when he aint lying about being single, he is lying about being in this horrible relationship with his 'ogre' wife or in the process of getting a divorce. And by the time she realizes that the divorce aint gonna happen, she maybe has a family with him already.

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

I suppose it is ‘noble’ that many men will never leave their wives for the other woman. And I suppose it also isn’t fair that a wife suffers and cries herself to sleep because her husband is tucked under the other woman’s sheets.

If you are the poor woman that found herself in the shoes of a ‘husband snatcher’, there are enough men for all of us. Don’t continue being the reason a wife prays for her husband to come back home. Hope it aint too late to get out and start afresh.

Much as society will never look at the other woman any nicer just by the mere fact that the man is the one who momentarily walked out on a union he made a commitment to, if you were duped, don’t kill yourself with guilt and don’t live the rest of your life paying for a crime you didn’t know you were committing. Some peaceful sleep is something you can do with.

So, between the man and the other woman, who is the villain that deserves to get their eyes gorged?

43 responses to "The man or the other woman?"

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  1.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 16 Oct 10

    Women are now statistically cheating on their husbands just as their husbands are cheating on them. Both are equally bad. Marriage counseling is what I would suggest although it is hard to ever restore that trust which I know being a marriage counselor myself. But no one just gets up and cheats with out having other problems in the relationship first. If you go to counseling before cheating takes place plus to marriage maintainence retreats, cheating can often be nipped in the bud before it gets started. Plus premarriage counseling is really important to make sure the couple is compatible and getting together for the right reasons and to trouble shoot any possible danger areas that may come up after marriage. People are just too lazy about marriages because they are so easily disposable. People take better care of their cars and kids and their wardrobes than they do their marriages nowadays. Don't be a statistic and don't cheat if you are marred no matter what sex you are. If you are that messed up and you don't want marriage counseling, get divorced first so you aren't cheating and being sneaky and dishonest about your cheating. It saves a lot of pain in the long run.

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  2.   Snazzybella says:
    Posted: 11 Feb 10

    Hmmmm, no mention of the "other man" that cheats with the married woman. Has he been lied to? or misunderstood? Tsk Tsk

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  3. Posted: 10 Aug 09

    Stay Away from Married Men If you are single and thinking you are in love with a married man, let me assure you, you are not with a great man. Don't fool yourself. And, let's be clear... he is not with you because his wife is a horrible, uncaring person who doesn't understand him. He is with you because he is not a great man! If he were, he would invest the time he is spending with you on his family, get some counseling, do what he could to save the relationship, and after every possible hope disappeared, and he is still unable to have a healthy marriage, he would get a divorce BEFORE he started his affair with you! And one more thing, you are not more interesting, attractive, or fabulous than his wife. While it may give you a little thrill to think you are so much better than his wife, and he is so much more in love with you than the women to whom he is married, he is not with you because you are so great. He is with you because he doesn't want to invest in his marriage, he likes the sexual variety, or just wants some diversion. You are just a distraction, something different, someone to boost his ego and placate his wandering lust. I know, I know... he tells you he loves you, that his wife is frumpy, dowdy, or not what she once was. Well, she probably has been taking care of children and trying to create a home while he is out with you having some extra sex on the side. I know he says that he wants to be with you but he can't hurt the children, or it is not the right time, or he is just waiting until the divorce is final, or whatever. The excuses are many and are routine, rote, and common. Nothing new, nothing original, and nothing true. How many women had affairs with married men and ended up happily married to them? Hard to say. I've never met one. Maybe it has happened a few times over the expanse of human history but changes are virtually nil that it will happen to you. Why not step back, be honest with yourself, reflect on what you are doing to a family, to children, and to another woman. And, why not take an honest look at yourself and see why it is you are letting yourself be used by a man who promised to love and cherish his wife. Are you so desperate that you don't think you could find a good man? Do you really think this guy is going to all of a sudden become great once he leaves his wife and family? Do you feel good about yourself when you think about what you are doing to his innocent children? Can you release selfishness and find it in your heart to live in the highest good? Can you stop fooling yourself enough to realize that this is not the way to find a great man or start a healthy and happy relationship? Does it feel good to be deceptive? To lie? To damage a family? Do you think this man who would betray his wife and children is really even remotely decent or has any sense of integrity or morality? Do you not care that he is not trustworthy, honest, respectful, or caring? If you are single and with a married man, open your eyes, move on, and find a truly great man.

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  4.   MEA1954 says:
    Posted: 07 Aug 09

    I learned that the hard way...I was the 'other woman'..I do not feel sorry for his wife, she is dumb enough to put up with it...And as for me, I have never cheated on anyone..Being the other woman is not all it is cracked up to be..HE was the one who was cheating.. We all can screw up at least once, and that was my only time..I deserve much better..As for men being hard to find, I believe they are like streetcars..They come along one right after another..The only problem is that there are no quality men left, especially when you only date outside your race..The good ones are all taken, gay, or too young for me!!!!! Being strong comes easier now than it ever did..The SOB who I was involved with robbed me of my trustfulness of the human race, although I am much smarter now...Bottom line, if a single woman is involved with a married man, it is HIS fault..I did not promise to be faithful to her, HE DID! And if I were her I would throw his ass out, or do a "Loreena Bobbit on him...married men should have a BIG letter "M" tattooed on their foreheads..Just like they brand cattle...

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  5. Posted: 05 Aug 09

    Women should respect themselves and refuse to be second in a relationship. Women should also respect other women that are married to men and refuse to interject themselves even if the married man makes a hit. If a man is NOT divorced, that means he is still married. As women we know that it is somewhat difficult to find a man, leave the relationships alone that have been bound legally no matter how sad or unhappy the man tells you he is. Don't be a second choice. Be strong, be dignified...be a real woman.

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  6.   specialone says:
    Posted: 17 Jun 09

    Ifinf it very intresting to know that theres men out there that cheat and think thats okay my man has done that to me twice and if i leave hel do it again so yea Its amasing what can really go on

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  7.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 14 May 09

    I am often amazed at these blogs and the honesty and insight that is offered here. Not always. But often. This is one of them. If children are involved in the triangle then it becomes a completely kettle of fish. Unfortunately most of us are unaware of how infidelity affects the children, mainly out of ignorance, self-centeredness and a refusal to do the homework that goes along with being a parent. Let's assume that there are no children, for the sake of argument. And let's assume that there is a degree of commitment stated or implied in the relationship. What we have are three people all of whom have a certain degree of responsibility. The cheater, male or female, who has professed his love, devotion, surrender (It's the name of an excellent Santana/John McLaughlin album I'm listening to as I write)to his other half. Stepping out of that relationship makes him a liar, to him/herself, to the other person and to whomever else is involved in the commitment (God, family, the state, etc.). Anyone who willingly (and it's all willingly. No victims here. Only volunteers) declares as a liar has serious problems. If my self-image is such that the best I have for myself is dishonesty and denial of trust, I have a rotted self-image. The other person, if they are, or become aware of the situation has an equally distorted view of their self. If I think this is the best I can get, someone else's seconds, what does that say about me. And if I'm happy with the situation, I am part of the lie. See above. Finally, the one who is cheated on is also cheating their self, at least once consciousness, on any level, of the situation comes into play. I can convince myself that I am the victim but I'm really saying that I'm not worth realizing what I really want. A true love that I don't have to share. I applaud folks like Jadenv and Sexygal74 who clearly have love for themselves, love that would not permit them to settle for less. It is not always easy or comfortable but it is what we deserve. P.S. NOPLAYER, your grandmother's quote, "a lady can run faster with her dress up around her waist than a man with his pants around his ankles" not only presents a hilarious visual image but a deep, folksy wisdom we can all learn from. My sincere respect to the lady.

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  8.   spirit773 says:
    Posted: 24 Apr 09

    While we indulge ourselves in this non-judgemental non-committed 'struggle' what happens to the children? Is any pain they feel just collateral damage ? I'm not naive life takes turns that you don't expect but that does not excuse selfish behaviour. In this world far too many children pay the cost for the choices that adults make.That was/is and always be an obscenity.If at any point the cost of my non-committed gratification is the destruction of a home then i would hope that i am woman enough to question my self-worth and my value system. I agree that we are not perfect.Imperfection is an inherent part of human condition.Does that mean that we can always excuse bad behaviour? No.Thats why ethics are a necessary part of discourse. The whole point of mistakes is that we learn form them.. and most of us hope that the lessons that we learn will make us better people. I truly hope that people who live the lifestyle that Chicky advocates look inside themsleves and realise that the day will come when they have to stop 'struggling' and holding on to imperfection as crutch and start 'living' and taking responsibility.

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  9.   chicky says:
    Posted: 22 Apr 09

    to my opinion, i think there's nothing wrong with a woman being with a married man, he still remains a man right. Who says that his wife did not steal him from another woman?! Lets face it, we're all imperfect humans and will never be that 'perfect'. So, I believe that this life is a strugle and we only keep strugling for what we 'think' is right for us. We cannot force anybody to tame his/her moral. Therefore I believe that one can be with whoever he/she wants to. We're all surviving. There's no wives anymore, no the 'other woman' anymore, there's only the strugling for life!!! Today you got married, 2moro someone else steals your husband and you get divorce. The next day after divorcing you can find yourself being with a guy who is married and found it so wrong to have insulted the woman who stole your man. So what, let things roll as long as we survive!!!

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  10.   sexygal74 says:
    Posted: 08 Apr 09

    I do agree with you that some white men just want to try it out with a black female. I think that they need to understand that some black female just want the same respect that they give to a white women. I had been smart about it for two years now and is not afraid to tell them what I want. Some of them have expressed an interest in me but do not want to hangout or take me out to dinner. I was able to see what they wanted from me and let them know that I am more than a booty call. They have told me that I am tripping and stop talking to me. It is my gain because I will not settle for less from some white guys who do not want to date me.

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  11.   Esmayali says:
    Posted: 08 Apr 09

    Sexygal74 you are going to run into the "white men" who just want to "try it out" so just be smart about it. Even on this site.

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  12.   BrownB09 says:
    Posted: 06 Apr 09

    Sexy, I think your story is very sad! And good for you for not going back to him. Whatever the case, keep loving yourself and just move on.

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  13.   sexygal74 says:
    Posted: 20 Mar 09

    My family and friends told me that they were very proud of me for walking away and not letting him using me again. His white exwife was very crazy and start harassing me for a year because she want him back. She hack into my email and call my friend to tell her that I am a whore with a STD disease. She was saying a lot of negative words about me and I ask her if she was very prejudice toward me because I am black. She said no. I did a background check on her. She was raised in a small town in Indiana that is consist of 99% white population. I told her that she shouldn't treat me and other black people like crap just because she think she is so much better. So I told her that she can have him so that she can leave me alone. My friends told me that he is probably miserable with her now or got a new black girl he can fool around with. His exwife was searching for my full name online on Reunion.com (mylife.com now) for two years now. I ask my family and friends why she is doing that. They said that she was doing it to get my address/phone or trying to see if I was messing around with him again. I am not a stupid fool to mess around with him again after he told me that he didn't want a serious commitment with me. My question is why do some white men do not want to breed with a black female? Is it society?

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  14.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 20 Mar 09

    sexygal74 I admire that fact that you had the strength to make him pick who he wanted to be with. It shows that you have respect for yourself. Too many women are willing to settle for just a slice of the bread if they cant have the whole loaf. Men that play games love these type of women. He'll give just enough to keep her around and she'll do more than enough so he'll want her around! sexygal74 just knowing in your heart that you deserved better was 90% of the battle and the last 10% was the hardest part and that's was walking away. You may have walked away with a broken heart but your SELF RESPECT remained solid and untouched. Hats off to you sis!!!

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  15.   sexygal74 says:
    Posted: 20 Mar 09

    I feel that the man is the villian when it come to going back and forth between both women. I used to be in that situation at where I was dating this guy two year ago. He is a white guy and I am a black female. His exwife was constantly calling him all the times. I asked him if he want to be with her and he said no. So I told him that he need to be honest with her and tell her that he want her to leave him alone. He did lied to me because she came over to his apartment bragging to me that they had some good sex the other night. I was so angry and asked him if she was telling the truth. He was quiet and I told him that he is nothing but a man whore. I told him that he need to pick who he want to be with. He told me that he want to get back together with her. I told him that I am done with him and that we can't be friends. He got upset and asked me if I really want to do that. He want me to be his other chick on the side who can give him some booty call. He didn't want to have a serious commitment with me. He want to have it with his white ex-wife. I told him that I will not settle for less and be second to his crazy white exwife. I did walk away and stop all contact with him by changing my cellphone number. I went through an emotional depression for awhile after the breakup. It took me about six months to healed. I did care about him a lot but realize that I do deserve better. I do realize that I am too good for him. Love can be blind and make a woman be a stupid fool for a guy who have no respect for her. I was that stupid fool and got tired of his games.

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  16.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 16 Mar 09

    VA_ SongBird I have so much fun here and I learn so much, that a talk show would put a damper on things. Beleive it or not this is course Real Life 101, for free! LOL I'd like to start my own blog where we can really dig off into matters of the heart and pull no punches on issues concerning love, relationships and various topics of interest. Take care!

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  17.   VA_SongBird says:
    Posted: 15 Mar 09

    Ok... NO PLAYER... I'm waiting for you start your own TALK SHOW... you have something to say worth hearing my Brotha.

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  18.   VA_SongBird says:
    Posted: 15 Mar 09

    I think the villain depend upon whose married. Once the innocent party has knowledge they are involved with a married person, they need to make the decision to distance themselves from that situation. If a person will lie to you about something so basic, what else could this person potentially lie about. My philosophy is two wrongs don't make a right. Get out while you have a chance.

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  19.   wildrusian says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 09

    Noplayer, you could not be any more correct. And here's wild thought... just for laughs, i wonder what would happen if a man pretended to be married so he'd get more dates. u think those women would still want him after they find out he was never married in first place? lol

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  20.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 09

    wildrussian you are right, people are attracted to what they can't have. When I got married the women came from everywhere ! When I was single I damn near had to "hold women at gun point" to get them to go out with me! LOL I wouldn't say women are more competitive than men, I'd say they're more vain. I've had women tell me that no matter how another women might out do her, be it income, education level, or looks, if she can sleep with that woman's man, all the other stuff means nothing! It's almost like a "who penis is bigger contest" between men! I never knew women were like this. When you know the games people play it's easier to defend yourself against them. You don't allow people to stroke your ego and manipulate you into doing something to degrade and disrespect yourself. It's flattering to know someone finds you desirable but there's a right way to do anything. If I find you attractive I can tell you so, without over stepping my boundries or making you feel violated. There's even a clean and respectable way of flirting with someone as long as you don't cross the line and the other person doesn't see it for more than what it is. I damn near take offense when a woman after seeing my wedding band and me telling her I'm married, persist on trying to tempt me. I get mad because I know she's playing a game, she don't care nothing about me and she's trying to use me to give her ego a boost. Yeah I know men do this to women but only if they let them. " Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it" ! Another one of grandma's quotes !

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  21.   wildrusian says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 09

    Noplayer, u're right in your last comment. While i still believe that a man should leave a r-ship if he is not happy in it and it can't be fixed; i also believe that women should be a little smarter here. Many men seem perfect as soon as they put a ring on their finger. In fact, there was a sort of a study done on this, when a psychology teacher told his students to wear "wedding rings" and look at the responses from opposite sex. To his surprise, women with a ring on that finger lost all communication with the opposite sex. But men got so many admirers, it wasn't even funny. We always want what we can't have. It is nearly impossible to resist the temptation. Also, i believe it is because women are more competitive than men. Being the other woman is addicting, it gives you a (faulty) sense of power over the other person that you just don't want to loose. It's a new kind of high. I experienced it... And thank God i had enough morals to not chase that man. I resisted. But not everyone can. It was also very strange when i felt great after he turned me down. He told me we can't talk anymore because he wants me, but he is married. That definitely made my ego a little bigger. As for a man who turns out cheating on his wife? It could as well be the same thing. Wouldn't you feel more attractive if you had two women vs. just one? But it's no excuse of course. Not for the woman, nor for the man. As people, we get the worst urges at times. We have to resist them. But it is hard. I'm trying to excuse any behavior here... I'm trying to explain it though. As a future psychologist, i love to analyze, so that's what i'm doing here.

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  22.   singergal says:
    Posted: 12 Mar 09

    Noplayer..... I love your grandma!

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  23.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 12 Mar 09

    Ladies use your GOD GIVING sense and avoid the drama of being the other woman. Sometimes I believe alot of women think, "a piece of a man is better than no man"! If I did not tell you I'm married and you latter find out, why would you wish to continue with the relationship when it was built on a lie in the first place????? If I use the excuse of not being happy at home as justification for wanting to hook up with you, would it ever cross your mind to ask yourself, " could she (the wife) be all the bad, if he's STILL MARRIED to her"????? If she was that bad wouldn't it be safer for me to divorce her on grounds of mental cruelty, emotional abandonment or adulterty? If I'm lucky I'd only have to pay child support but if I got caught having an affair, I'd run the risk of her divorcing me, taking the house, kids, over half of our assets and I'd have to pay child and spousal support. Ladies it's not that hard to figure out. It's about being responsible for YOUR actions after finding out the truth about him being married. You have to be real with you and not allow yourself to be used, despite what he says. I understand the other woman or man but I don't believe they're helpless and unable to change the reality of what they've found themselves in. You don't have to disrespect yourself because he or she chooses to disrespect their partner or spouse. Here's a quote form my grand-mama, " a lady can run faster with her dress up around her waist than a man with his pants around his ankles ! Ladies it's all about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  24.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 11 Mar 09

    That little Gold ring on the left hand , Should be sign enough for all and when the ring is in ones pocket , the Sun sure nuff has left a Mark on that third finger . Respectability , in the Decisions one makes , Will show the Personal Worth they carry through Life .

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  25.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 11 Mar 09

    As Garfield said this morning " Never Jump rope under a Ceiling Fan " . Love , Honor and Cherish . Three words We said . Believe in others when they have said " Trust " is what holds Relationships together . Your word is your Bound .

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  26. Posted: 11 Mar 09

    I will have to agree with Ria, you do need to understand the other woman. True enough, cheating on a spouse is not right but the spouse is responsible for his/her actions. They are the ones who is obligated in the eyes of God to stay sacred. Sometimes the other woman may not know every single detailed-fact about their man's or woman's home life. When the time comes later on and he/she does find out that the other may be engaged or married or entwined, the other woman or man may have fallen in love with that person. Just like the saying goes, "it is easier said than done," I agree with that because walking away from someone you love isn't just that simple. It takes time to turn that person loose. It is always a vague hope that things will change, depending on the situation. I feel that the other woman/ other man is not responsible for the deceptive spouse, but if he/she is honest and from the beginning, then there maybe some room for blame. Other than that, it is the spouses responsibility to honor their marriages or relationships. Your side chick or side man is not the one who is married, engaged, or in a relationship, you are, so respect your own. People make mistakes and sometimes they make it more than once (I'm talking about the other woman/man) because they just need somebody in their life and sometimes the people who they are most compatiable with happen to be in a relationship. Some people do not go out searching for individuals who are entwined and immediately stake their claim on that particular person. Yes, there is someone for everyone, but you might make some wrong turns on your search for that special someone. "Easier said than done."

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  27.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 10 Mar 09

    YOUR LIFE ! I hit the submit button befroe I finsihed my sentence, excuse me.

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  28.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 10 Mar 09

    wildrusian and alani you both are on point. You both stated that if the relationship has problems then it should be fixed prior to steping out. That's so true because dissatisfaction brings about change and not always for the better. Whenever there's problems in relationships people are vulnerable. As a man I know where my weak spots are and I have to be on guard. When people don't feel appreciated or they feel that they're taken for granted, it's easy for someone to try and come in and fill in the missing pieces. You got people out there who look to exploit those weak spots in a relationship. Here's a few tips to avoid getting caught up in "THE OTHER MAN / WOMAN" drama. 1) Don't confied in the opposite sex about problems at home, wouldn't it be better to talk to your mate about the problem ? 2) Avoid him / her if they give you " THAT VIBE ", yall know what I'm talking about? 3) Be leary if someone's always paying you compliments and dropping those subtle hints that they're interested in you. I don't feel we are helpless when it comes to avoiding getting caught up in these situations, we just have to use a little common sense. Homesteader was right, it's not about blaming someone, it's about taking responsibility for your actions and moving forward with repairing or getting out of the relationship. I know that sometimes in life people need more than you can ever give them and when that's the case you got to let them go and find whatever it is they need and move on with . Some of these people are so empty and void that no matter how much you pour into them, you'll never fill their cup, so why waste your time ?

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  29.   rae56 says:
    Posted: 10 Mar 09

    Once again, Glock, you've hit the nail on the head!

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  30.   alani says:
    Posted: 10 Mar 09

    This is a tough one. It really depends on how the relationship was initiated. Was the man, shopping for "merchandise" he already had at home? Or was the woman coniving and wanted what she wanted the moment she saw him, despite that fact that the ring on his finger indicated that he was no longer on the singles market. I'd like to say that most men should be strong enough to resist temptation but since transactions like these have taken place since the beginning of time, I'm wondering if men are capable of doing the right thing in this sort of situation, especially if he's got a persistant "admirer". On the other hand, I have actually seen situations where wifey is a complete demon. I don't feel that is a good reason to step outside of a commitment but I do believe that when the red flag as reached a point that its in flames, it time to address the problems at hand before it gets to this point.

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  31.   wildrusian says:
    Posted: 10 Mar 09

    Oh, and to clarify, cheating isn't acceptable. Honesty is key. But i don't feel we should blame the other woman. She had her reasons. It is the man that should be honest with himself and his spouse if he wants out.

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  32.   wildrusian says:
    Posted: 10 Mar 09

    Well, here comes a confession... I myself was that other woman a few times. Two to be exact. And while the first time i just couldn't help myself (he was perfect for me and could've been "the one"), the other time i had no idea the guy i tried to date actually had a gf. nothing except for flirting happened in either one of these. not even a kiss. (both guys stayed in their original r-ships.) but to make my point, i don't believe it's anyone's fault. If the husband cheats on a wife constantly, with many women, then he doesn't deserve his wife. but if it's anything other than that, then it is actually very natural. people fall in love just as easily as they fall out of love. we meet ppl and think it's the right person, and marry them, then we find out they are not right for us at all... but if in such a case there's no divorce, then one or the other person is bound to cheat. maybe they got tired, maybe they fall out of love, or maybe they met the right person after marrying the wrong one... who is to blame? it is in our nature not to be perfect. everybody makes mistakes. i think the bottom line here is honesty. if u are not happy with the person u're with, fix it, or move on. No matter how much it hurts, it will hurt less in the long run if the painful r-ship is ended.

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  33.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 09 Mar 09

    Why bother with the time it takes to Blame ? As Glock said " Move Forward " . Don't Waste Your ValueS of Life on a Darned Liar .

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  34.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 09 Mar 09

    This is not anbout the other woman / man, it's about the one that crossed the line and cheated on their spouse. I'm with you Glock, there's nothing to understand. I expect loyality from my spouse. The other person is not obligated to me, my spouse is. There's many reasons for why people cheat on their spouses but it seldoms brings about any good in the long run. It's a relationship killer. Not only do you disrespect the union between two people you disrespect yourself. You undermine your on worth by settling for being NUMBER TWO or being standby pu**y or penis! If you settle for what's given to you, then you can't get mad, when you end up with WHAT YOU GOT! Think about!

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  35.   jadenv says:
    Posted: 09 Mar 09

    I could try to sound politically correct and agree with everyone, but I wouldn't be true to myself. I have been tempted to cheated with "unavailable" men in my past. But I couldn't, something inside of me, perhaps it was knowing how much my mother's cheating and lying destroyed my father and my family when I was a child, that wouldn't allow it. I stood my ground, and when approached by numerous married and committed men, I shunned them and their attempts to change the dynamics of our friendship. I am not saying men and women can't be friends, but it's my experience that when cheating occurs - aside from blatant disrespect- there's always a point when you realize that you've gone into a realm that you shouldn't cross. Selfish individuals cross. Yes, the person in the committed relationship is the most obligated party to observe the boundaries and see that there's no breach...However, there is some moral obligation to the unattached party - although it small, it is this moral obligation that many scorned partners feel the most betrayal from. The simple reason most feel so deeply betrayed is that everyone believes that if put in the same circumstances, they would be able to avert temptation. That since their partner wasn't able to avert the temptation that befell them, that in some way or another the unattached party is the sole cause. I hear stories and claims from both sides and my tale and thought processes have a real foundation. Three weeks after introduction, my children's father walked out the door to start his life with the new employee from his job. This same woman had made it a point, everyday when I took him lunch, to appear in front of me and say hello, how are you, how are the kids, we should get together sometime - my point is...she well knew who I was, and still it did not matter. The day after he left, he refused to pay any further bills, to provide any further income to the house his children lived in with me...and then he had all of the utilities (which were in his name) shut off, while we still resided in the home. A stay-at-home mom who hadn't worked since college, and lived on the west coast after having been raised on the east coast by her father and only other family member...and I could go on and on. My point to sharing is, yes I blamed the other woman, but I also blamed my ex as well. Personally, I think it comes down to your moral fiber and basic common decency. Do I care that he cheated, actually no I don't. I think for me, the shock came when he didn't turn out to be the decent person I'd always thought him to be. Of course, I felt he had to have been corrupted by someone vile and amoral. But In the end, she did me a favor...I went back to college, started my own business, I worked round the clock with no family to help me. I became a stronger person and you know...I hate it when I drop my kids off for their visit and she complains to them about where their dad is while I am off enjoying my silver lining in the clouds...lol

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  36.   Trinie says:
    Posted: 08 Mar 09

    I think once a person finds out that the person they are dating is married they should end that relationship. However if that person chooses not to, then they are just as guilty as the married person. But of course life is not that black and white...people stay with cheaters for many reasons and people cheat for just as many reasons. A person must decide if they are worth having a committed relationship and move on if that is not what they are getting...but i think fear of the unknown keeps many people from moving on...which is sad. For myself I would welcome the unknown and move on...and end a relationship that never really was anyway.

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  37.   Estrella18 says:
    Posted: 07 Mar 09

    I must say I have always found it interesting that it is often the case when a guy cheats on his girl that the girl gets mad at the other girl rather than at him. For me, it is the guy (or girl) who has broken his (or her) commitment to their significant other. That is the relationship that needs to be mended, fixed or gotten rid of. What has happened has happened, and now both must understand why it happened to them and decide what course of action to take in their relationship. Whether or not the "other person" did it intentionally or was the victim of lies and deception as is often the case does not help solve the problem.

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  38.   von48 says:
    Posted: 07 Mar 09

    I agree with Glock they both are to blame, I don't try to judge people, but I believe that which ever one is in a committed relationship know where he stand from the start. And have decide to destroy the trust in them by having an affair.. seem to me that there don't care if someone get hurt as long as they get what they want by having the affair.

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  39.   Glock says:
    Posted: 07 Mar 09

    From my vantage point there are a couple things I ouw like to comment on. First Ria says we need to "understand the other woman". Understand? Understand what? Ok, here's my train of thought on this, regardless if it's another woman or man, if I'm in a relationship with you and you step out of it....stay there. We are through, period. Don't waste your time pleading and telling me a sob story, don't waste you time asking me to go to counseling to "save" our relationship/marriage. Don't tell me you had a moment of weakness, got drunk, or claim any other vice that you can think of to claim no-responsibility. You screwed up and it's over. Both are to blame, not just one. And as such deserve each other. If your spouse cheats and has an affair, look at it this way, they broke the vows they took to be with someone else. How are you going to trust them again. Second the person they cheated with has no problem having an affair with a married (or committed relationship)person and no doubt will do it again. Think about it, neither one of them will be able to trust the other one....ever. They deserve each other, let them go.

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  40.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 07 Mar 09

    Okay peeps , does Hamburger bring ideas to mind ?

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  41.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 07 Mar 09

    I think the other woman has a responsibility to get out of the relationship when she finds out that she's the "OTHER WOMAN". You would think that a woman would tell him that "we can't have anything between us until and only after you've cut all strings to your wife, legally"! I put this responsibility on the women as a measure of protecting them because he has his wife to fall back on and more than likely she'll be left out in the cold.

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  42.   party1 says:
    Posted: 07 Mar 09

    Recent history should tell us that the wealthy man will make out ok publicly and the TRAMP no matter how beautiful will be villified.The TRAMP who actually knows his wife is definetly risking eyes gouged out,as is the guy who doesnt have $$$.Hillary and others coulda changed all this if she/they wouldve done a Lorena Bobbitt instead of taking the cheater back.Sorry fellas to put such bad ideas out there lol..

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  43.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 06 Mar 09

    Who do You Blame ? / It takes two to Make Love is not each making a choice ? Reality Defines Believe as I have read .

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