Why do men almost always reappear after a breakup?

Posted by Ria, 12 Oct 12

Ever been in a relationship where you broke up with a man and just when you have cried all your tears and are ready to move on he pops up again? As Mr. Spradley puts it, "We do damage, leave … and then we reappear."

Well apparently men just cant let women move on. "Any good detective will tell you that criminals who are guilty can’t help but return to the scene of the crime; neither can we. When we know we’ve done wrong it’s in our nature to reappear for a number of reasons," he says. (Yeah right)

In his article, "The reappearing man: 4 reasons why men almost always come back" Mr. Spradley tells us why men return to the scene of the crime:

Your perfect partner could be online right now...

What are you looking for?

1) He just wants to show you he has changed, that he is a better man

Apparently, when this is the reason, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants you back. Its just guilt eating him away and all he wants to do is prove to you that he aint and never was that douche-bag who hurt you. "In reality, we’re really great people – really – we are – our current girlfriends can attest – we really have changed," he says.

Basically, the dude doesn’t really care about what you may have gone through during the break up; he just wants to be able to sleep peacefully knowing you understand that the person who may have hurt you then, isn’t the person he is now. Spradley says;“… it was us at that time in our lives or, it wasn’t us at all, it was you (don’t worry we forgive you). Or it wasn’t us, nor was it you, it was just the ‘we’, that brought that out. Either way, if this is why we’re reappearing, it’s probably best if we just stay gone.”

2) He want to see whether or not you’ve changed.

"The only thing better than meeting an awesome new woman is meeting an old girlfriend who now seems way more awesome than she was when you were with her." Trust me, whenever I breakup with a dude, I work towards looking much hotter so that if ever I bump into him, I’ll be wearing the 'You left all this? Your loss!' look. And Spradley gives props to Facebook for rubbing this in when you upload your new photos and your ex happens to see them and you get that immediate “Its me” phone call.

Apparently when a dude becomes interested in the new, hotter looking you, its not genuine. "We want to prove to ourselves, and to you, that we didn’t make a mistake the first time around. That you’re not really that different, that the thing about you that always annoyed us is still there just below the glossy airbrushed surface of your new professionally taken profile pic. We want to find out whether you’ve been doing hella squats and that’s all you back there or whether that’s just an awesome camera angle," he says. All he wants to know is: Whether the new confident you real?

3) Sometimes its just him being manipulative.

This I can't put any better so am just gonna let Spradley give it to you:

"Here’s a secret about some of us men I probably shouldn’t be telling. Sometimes, we just want control... The thing about having that sort of control is that it makes it impossible to build any sort of lasting relationship. If we can control you, we can’t respect you. We can pretend to, but, in reality we don’t. The two things women reading this should take from this point are:

1) Never let a man have full control over you unless that man has married you.

2) If a man who once had that sort of control over you reappears, we probably just want to see if we still have it."

And his advice is to RUN!!! Especially if you aren't sure that the hold he once had on you is gone because you'll go through a repeat of your old life with him.

4) He has realized he lost a good thing and wants to do all he can to get it back

Apparently, of all the reasons he gives, this is a rare case. There are times when a man might leave a woman thinking he can do better without her or with the next woman only to realize, the woman left an imprint in his heart. He may have thought you'll be the only one who was gonna suffer the breakup, only to find out later that it is his loss too and no other woman, video games or beer gobbling can fill that emptiness. So he decides to swallow his pride and give it another go; crossing fingers that you’ll take him back

In conclusion, Spradley has some great advice for the fellas:

"As men, I think we sometimes have to take responsibility for the damage we’ve done and respect the fact that our women are entitled to rebuild themselves in whatever way they see fit. We also have to be responsible about how we decide to return to their lives. We have to think about whether we are returning because we think we can ‘help’ them, whether we’re returning because of our own selfish motives, or whether we’re returning because we think there might be a real chance at a lasting “we” this time."

Guys, what happened when you tried to get a woman back into your life? Was it worth a second try? Ladies, has a man you used to date ever tried to get back with you for any of the above reasons? I am sure if it’s the first three, it didn’t go anywhere. Do share and add some other reasons a man would want a comeback!

18 responses to "Why do men almost always reappear after a breakup?"

Leave a reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

  1.   Dezzi83 says:
    Posted: 29 Mar

    Men can be so confusing! why can't they just say what they want / how they feel. I can't read minds...and I tend to make my own conclusions since they don't say how they feel or what they want. I'm a gemini and communication is VERY important to "us" I had to remove a somebody from my life . I'm done with the head/mind games

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 0 ()
    Reply to this comment
  2.   Whiplash says:
    Posted: 27 Jul 16

    I must be the exception to the premise of this article. I never recycle exes or food. Both for the same reasons.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 0 ()
    Reply to this comment
  3. Posted: 05 Aug 15

    I've had 3 exes reappear and try to rekindle things. I think a lot of times they're just lazy and don't want to go working on getting another woman when they already "have" one that they've "broken in." I even had one tell me that though not as harshly.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 1 ()
    Reply to this comment
  4.   erberry says:
    Posted: 25 Jul 15

    You dont know what you have till you loss it

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 2 ()
    Reply to this comment
  5.   Eam60 says:
    Posted: 09 Jun 14

    Hidden statistics have proven that they reappear because of "Money and Sex". If you are a smart women you will "close the door" and never look back.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 8 ()
    Reply to this comment
  6. Posted: 04 Apr 14

    He was so happy that I wasn't seeing anyone. He asks, "Are you still mine? I didn't really answer so I just said we need to talk it's been a while. We didn't break up in fact, things were going well and it was an LDR. In our last conversation he was telling me how wonderful I was. I told him the same and then I didn't hear from him for days and then weeks. Finally, almost 2 months had passed and I was moving on not that I didn't think about him but I had to take care of myself. All these emotions were going through my head thinking he lost interest, he found someone new, then I was worrying that something happened in his life. But if he new my number why wouldn't he contact me. My sister told me to try to join another dating site and I really didn't want to because I wasn't over him, so I did and I have been chatting and went on one date. One night I decided to check my emails and I see his name there so out of the blue I messaged him and he responds. He tells me he was in a bad car accident and had broken bones and bruises, and that his phone was damaged. And had no way of reaching me. He said he was crying because all sorts of thoughts were going through his head about me, for one he thought I may have gone back with my ex-husband, or a guy I went on a date with and liked for a while, he was jealous of him, and thinking I was with someone new. So when he came back into my life my feelings for him were still there but he felt like he could just come back into my life and make demands. After he asked if I was talking to another guy I said I was still single but I am on another dating site and he wasn't happy about it but relieved that I was single so his remark was, "Good cause you're mine!" Now, we had time to catch up by email and I sent him some photos cause he said that he lost all his photos on his phone of me and his kids. Then we talked on the phone and it was clear that he still missed me. He said he had no computer and no phone for a while. He told me what happened to him. When he disappeared I thought that was his way of breaking up with me, which didn't make sense because he told me on the text that he thought I was wonderful. He said if he was going to break up with me he would tell me. He has some personal stuff going on with his kids and his ex-wife. He told me he would be in touch and here it is again he hasn't texted or called me to let me know what's going on. And while we were catching up he started to be the guy I really liked telling me he loves me and misses me. It got so deep that he whispered on the phone trying to get me to tell him that I love him. He said I did a lot of things to try to find out what happened to him and that no other woman would have ever done those things for him. I told him that I love him and he has been wanting me to say it for the longest time. He swears that I am the only one he wants. So where is he now? Gone again. No calls. No text.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 6 ()
    Reply to this comment
    • Eam60 says:
      Posted: 27 Jun 14

      As I said in an previous text......"a smart woman will close the door and never look back". The writing is on the wall, why don't you see it?

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 6 ()
      Reply to this comment
  7.   Brownb09 says:
    Posted: 07 Oct 13

    If we broke up, then its for a good enough reason to just leave things alone.....especially because someone like myself believes in doing everything in my power to make the relationship work.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 7 ()
    Reply to this comment
  8. Posted: 11 Nov 12

    I have an ex of 18 years who still tries to get back with me only he doesnt really want me its the chase. He goes from site to site wanting to be my friend and saying we need to talk. He then proceeds to tell me how much he misses and loves me. He would not know Love if it hit him in the face...LOL. Hes not even a faithful guy. I dont know why he would think I would be so stupid to take him back after I busted him cheating. He calls me all these loving names trying to tell me things he thinks I want to hear but I only feel sorry for him even more that he is a loser!...OMG! When will he stop chasing me?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 8 ()
    Reply to this comment
    • Eam60 says:
      Posted: 27 Jun 14

      The "CHASE" will stop when you accept that this "use to be relationship" is dead on arrival.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 3 ()
      Reply to this comment
    • penelope77 says:
      Posted: 04 Jan 16

      sweetie be careful so that his consistency of chasing you will not turn to stalking. A lot of exes are committing feminism homicide this time around, p Pleas watch your back. people should learn how to accept NO.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 0 ()
      Reply to this comment
  9.   Titusq1 says:
    Posted: 30 Oct 12

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

    Poorly-rated. Like or Dislike: or 34 (-26)
    Reply to this comment
  10.   iodarius says:
    Posted: 15 Oct 12

    To clarify, In this particular case I posted, the woman had given him more than 5 years. And as a middle aged woman, she did not have so many 5 year packets to waste on anybody. She needed to find the right one or do bad by herself.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 4 ()
    Reply to this comment
  11.   iodarius says:
    Posted: 15 Oct 12

    I tell women about this all the time. I had to work with a woman two nights ago in an intervention to break manipulation and control off of her. She was angry at God, when she was the one who made the obvious wrong choices. We had to go back in time and put mile markers down in all the places where she should have done better, and explained and empowered her to look somewhere else. Just because he is loaded does not mean you should give him the benefit of the doubt. Because as a middle-aged woman, if you ultimatum him into marrying you, then you are stuck. He will have buyer's remorse, and will withdraw his emotions and affections and efforts from you. He will no longer be in pursuit of you, but he will be constantly pulling the other way. Not caring, breaking his word, cheating, maybe even without hiding it, because instead of walking away and breaking up like a man, he cowardly throws all this pseudo passive-aggressive behavior your way. Ladies, men are not that hard to read. The proof of desire is in the pursuit, or, even if he is lazy and can't run after you, the proof of desire might be in his at least holding on to you and no one else, loving you, being grateful for you, rather than looking for the brightly lit exit sign.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: or 5 ()
    Reply to this comment
    • PlayfulBM4WF says:
      Posted: 29 Nov 13

      Grow up girls! Take responsibility for your actions! We live in a world (at least in America) where women are not held to the same responsibilities as men. See, Cassey Anthony (murdered her daughter, spent no time in jail), Mary Winkler (murdered her husband b/c he wanted her to wear high heels while having sex), Susan Taylor (stabbed her husband more than 200 times in 2003, paroled in 2014).... The list is longer than my 'Johnson' and that's pretty long.

      Like or Dislike: or 9 (-4)
      Reply to this comment
  12.   honeybee324 says:
    Posted: 13 Oct 12

    I remember this blog post. I have been thinking of that lately, having reconnected online with an ex (no talk of rekindling though) and the recent ex who still wants to have a presence in my life. The writer is the husband of a junior high schoolmate of mine.

    Like or Dislike: or 3 ()
    Reply to this comment