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Are we urging Black women to marry out just to make their statistics look good?

Posted by Ria, 21 Feb

black women marriage stats"Black women! Want a shot and marriage and successful romantic relationships? Date non-Black men!"

That is the advice that had been flying all over the internet for the most part of last year; that was supposedly supposed to help Black women alleviate their "perplexing marriage crisis" as they called it. But who said interracial marriage can guarantee marital success?

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I think the angle people are taking in all this is wrong. I know this is an interracial dating blog but to be honest and realistic, how does merely being in an interracial relationship guarantee success in relationships and marriage? Much as people have heightened the "dreadful statistics of the unwed Black women", the thing is, love between any two individuals – Black or otherwise – is hard! In fact, generally, fewer Americans are taking to the aisle.

When it comes to love, we can’t sit and confidently tell Black women to marry outside their race because it works because even interracial marriages need work... Not all interracial marriages work! Yes, the number of marriages might increase if they decide to marry out but who can say that these marriages will last? When it comes to love, the only people who can guarantee the success of the relationship is the two people in that relationship.

So what we need to analyze is: Are we urging Black women to marry out just to make their statistics look good on paper?

If yes, then I would also be at the forefront of telling all of them to dump their dating preference in Black men and start dating interracially. But if we want them to experience success in their relationships, then we need to take a different approach. Simply asking them to change their preferences and taste isn’t going to cut it because the heart wants what the heart wants. A woman who likes shorter men, wont start liking tall men at the snap of a the fingers just because it will make people stop staring at her in public. Plus in relationships, mutual attraction also plays a part in holding the relationship together.

Love is not logic. Love doesn’t make sense. And much as we have preferences, there are those few times we get attracted to people who don’t fit our dating preferences for one reason or another. And what we should be telling Black women is not to ignore such instances because much as those that don’t date outside their race do it out of preference for Black men, there are a few times a considerable number of them have felt a deep connection and attraction and a genuine liking for non Black men. And what we should be telling Black women is: if they ever feel a true connection to a non-Black man, then they should take the chance and pursue it.

Being in a mere interracial relationship won’t guarantee success. But a true connection to a non-Black man might. And as much as I write an interracial dating blog and I should be urging black women to date out, I don’t just want good marriage statistics for them. I want true success in their relationships. Yes, most Black women marrying out will mean a rise in marriage within their community. The question is: will it mean a subsequent decline in divorce rate?

I think this year, we should all stop focusing on statistics, race and telling Black women that the answer is in interracial dating because the true answers are in finding and keeping a loving mate - Black or non-Black.

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26 responses to "Are we urging Black women to marry out just to make their statistics look good?"

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  1.   Starving says:
    Posted: 22 Jan 13

    Color is chimeric. He who builds his home on racial, tribal, financial, outlooks and similar characteristics it wont take too long to see his dream becoming a nightmare. When adverse back-drafts hit, his hopes will be swept away. Let Chemistry do its job.

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  2.   Starving says:
    Posted: 22 Jan 13

    Hello fox. Minds are heated up to know if black women would be open to interracial marriage. That is good. But I am on this website to find my 1/2 but I have not found one. I have no preference in terms of race. I think it is big time for me to get one. And help me to find one if you can. Black, white, yellow, blue, pink, silver, gold,... my door is open to all races and very few characters because my preferred one is she who fears God. Thanks

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  3.   holdutyte says:
    Posted: 28 Jun 12

    The thing we should be discussing is how we make ours the last generation these types of things have to be debated...I pray that by the time my son has reached my age, he and his peers will sit and wonder at how we limited our horizons and missed so many chances at friendship and love...

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  4.   beautiful702 says:
    Posted: 23 Apr 12

    LOVE HAS NO COLOR PERIOD....

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  5.   telrats says:
    Posted: 17 Mar 12

    I have never set limits on myself pertaining to dating. I've dated all races of men and have had a blast. At the end of the day, I'll settle down with whomever is able to both provide and protect myself and my children. Simple!

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  6.   sensuality says:
    Posted: 16 Mar 12

    My people, my people, why are you all being bothered with this stuff. Have you not noticed that there'll always be some negro taking up for the white men and putting down their own, get real!

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  7.   aikalex says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 12

    well it doesn't matter white dating black but it is a matter of chemistry

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  8.   Patricus says:
    Posted: 04 Mar 12

    Greetings Konstanze, Where as I agree with you that some filing systems are antiquated, and you are well within your right to disagree, the truth is what is being said has some truth to it. Historically, black women have been discouraged to marry outside of their race in an effort to preserve it. Whether you believe it or not is all relative to your expererience, at which most of us are operating by.

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  9.   konstanze says:
    Posted: 01 Mar 12

    I disagree with this because I see a lot of black women marry to black men. Its doesnt matter who you marry in life. If you want to marry a blk man .. MARRY ONE... If you want to marry another man outside your race then MARRY ONE OUTSIDE YOUR RACE. People!!!! Some counties, do not have computerized software when people get married in the county of the state. They still using a filing system in a file cabinet.

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  10.   MissJ555 says:
    Posted: 29 Feb 12

    I think it's a good thing that black women are now being encouraged more to date outside of their race too. Notice I said too. For too long black women (in America anyway) have been discouraged from dating outside of our race by friends, family, and community and made to feel as though it is a betrayal to "blackness" or black men. Especially in the south, it is frowned upon a lot of times in the black community for a black woman to date anything but a black man. In my opinion, this is very strange seeing as generally, black men aren't encouraged by the same community to be "loyal" to black women. If anything, in the past few years I've seen a lot of black men take on an anti-black woman stance calling us difficult and nagging among other things and this sentiment is starting to spread. Hearing black men say negative things about black women has discouraged men from other races from trying to date/marry us. I guess the common thought is, "Why would black men say this about black women unless there's some truth to it?" In the meantime, yes, the pool of relationship/marriage eligible black men has been decreasing and more black men who are eligible are choosing to date/marry outside of their race because they generally have the freedom to do so and don’t feel they need to be loyal to black women (and they really don’t, but neither should black women need to be loyal to them). We don’t owe black men as a group anything and they don’t owe us anything. Point is rather than being loyal to your race or your race's men you should really be loyal to yourself first. So if you find what you are looking for in another race of men, you really shouldn't be hesitating to go there based on what your friends, family, or community expects of you. It’s already hard enough to find a good man no matter what color he is, so why restrict your options? By the way, no I don’t think interracial relationships last longer than non-interracial ones. Color has nothing to do with whether someone is marriage-minded, wants to commit, and won’t cheat. .

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  11.   Ausar719 says:
    Posted: 29 Feb 12

    Reese, I am not an expert on anything. I apologize if my words were taken out of context. It jist seems that we are impacted by so many factors, when discussing dating, marriage in particular interracial dating. Sometimes, all we can do is try to be the best we can be. A lot of the comments i shared are from men, and their feelings observations and experiences. Men and women we talk to each other all the time. Not necessarily verbally. Not sure we. Always pay attention I am single because I want to fall want to "fall in love again". It hasn't happen for me yet.

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    • Reese says:
      Posted: 01 Mar 12

      I am sorry, I had a bad day so I think that colored the way I read your comments. I am looking back now and seeing that you were just commenting in general and not directly at me, but in response to what I and others were saying. I overreacted to the comment. My bad!!!!!! We are all Cool and the gang though.

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  12.   jdooley84 says:
    Posted: 28 Feb 12

    In the uk its really diffrent in 1985 25 pct of all british born black married men and 12 pct of all british born married females and 35 pct of all british born asian females were wed to a white partner in 2010 half of all british born black men are wed to a white wife and roughly 24 pct of all british born black females have a white husband and at least 60 pct of all british born females of asian ancestery have a white husband i saw blended couples alot in london much more than in the united states this is despite a much smaller number of minorities in the uk . some parts of califorina specifically the san francisco bay area black and white couples could be seen since the 60s and in france black woman white male couples are more common than the reverse !

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  13.   Patricus says:
    Posted: 27 Feb 12

    Greetings All, I have seen the push is even on television. An episode of Anderson Cooper in the afternoon at which this particular topic was center stage. A black male dating counselor was setting up black women with men to date. Of course each of the women, wanted to date a black man, but the push was to try something different. Statistically speaking, while there is some truth to surveys, there are always problems with the particular demographic, whether its the source surveyed or even the location...the survey is always skewed, not complete; so many times you cannot rely on the results, even if it is from the Census Bureau. Why all of a sudden are black women the focus of our society is beyond me. I will admit that black women have been a neglected factor in the shaping of our society for years and we have contributed so much more than we are given credit for and while it is refreshing to see that the rest of the world is aware of us, the fact that I am not married is really not the most important thing you need to know about me (black women). What needs to brought forward in all of this is that now for black women when it comes to relationships with men, is we are exercising our right to have fulfilling relationships as opposed to just having a relationship for the sake of having one. Peace and love to all!!

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  14.   jdooley84 says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 12

    I read on the internet some very interesting stats 24 pct of black men 20 pct of asian men and 28 pct of latin men who were married in 2011 married in the us wed a partner whos race was diffrent than their own as far as females 7 pct of black females 28 pct of latinas and 40 pct of asian females married a partner whos race was diffrent than their own in 1980 one in 40 marriages were interracial in 2011 one in 6 .I dont think black females are the only ones having problems getting married there are more single people nationwide than married and some experts belive marriage is on the decline many couples choose to live toghether

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    • Noplayer says:
      Posted: 27 Feb 12

      America as a whole is seeing a decline in the numbers of people getting married across the board and not just African Americans. You also have to consider the fact that not all women or men want to get married believe it or not some are perfectly content to remain single. Couples are living together outside of marriage and dont feel a need to be defined by the title of Mr. and Mrs. or husband and wife. In think marriage just doesn't carry the weight that it once did in society.

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  15.   reese says:
    Posted: 22 Feb 12

    I do understand the stats, but most bw are aware of these facts and have made their decision so why keep harping on it. I date outside the race, but some people are not comfortable doing it why should they. It doesn't mean that they will get married. It might increase their likelihood of getting married. But it might not. Do they honestly believe that all of these unmarried bw never dated outside their race or aren't open to looking outside their race. Ofcourse less and less elligible bm. I actually prefer men of other races, but understand attraction. I have seen so many articles about bw explanding their horizons. Some had outragious suggestions about how it doesn't matter if they are bisexual or homeless. Do they believe it is so bad for bw that we can't have any preference or moral standards.Wow! I can't even want a straight man who isn't homeless really? BS!! Because it will increase the fact that we can get married, but it will also increase our divorce rates.

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    • Ausar719 says:
      Posted: 23 Feb 12

      I married a black man and had children. I was engaged to every boyfriend I had. Social media has made dating easier.The world is also smaller as a result. Truth is, men whether black, white, or yellow are very visual. They want what they want. Some black females want men who don't want them. I say, look for the man that adores you for who you are. As someone new to interracial dating, white men are interested in a type of black woman. Thing is, so is the black man. I am receiving responses from black and white men on this web page. I keep saying this, men love confident, self sufficient, educated women. They also love good cooks and great mothers. All of the comments are so demoraliizing, and punitive towards black/men and women. I believe that we are in a love/hate relationship with our selves. Ladies, today let's start with being the best woman, mother employee, wife, girlfriend you can be. It's a mindset that I am trying to live daily. Love,Peace and Blessings to all.

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      • reese says:
        Posted: 24 Feb 12

        I understand where you are coming from and I too have been engaged. But dating is a two way street. I date who I want to and other bw have that choice too. We have all seen the statistics and have had dating experiences to make our own experiences. And how is that anyone else's business but that particular bw as to who she wants to date. And as far as bw wanting men who don't want them the same is true of women of other races. I am not sure what you are saying has to do with what I am talking about. I also have recieved responses from black , white, native, hispanic, middle eastern, indian men. But I still have the right to date or not date who I want and so do they. If they want to date both, neither or whatever their preference is. My point is don't tell bw that they cannot have a preference like everyone else has because we have it harder because less bw. But there are bw who are educated, confident and everything else who just haven't found Mr. Right. Does that mean that we need to lower standards of what we want. Because having just any man isn't always better than being single.

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        • Ausar719 says:
          Posted: 25 Feb 12

          Women should never settle. However, there is a lot of focus on Black women., dating, marriage and black men on this interracial site. All I believe one can do is strive to be the best that you can be. You attract what you feel about yourself. As a social worker in NYC for over 20yrs, you see, and learn a lot. Low self esteem, low self worth, can really erode ones since of worth. Love you first, then you will have something to offer someone. A whole emotional self. Physical health and emotional health is necessary for relationships to be reciprocal. I will stop preaching..lol. But my heart is in the right place and I hope my words are embraced with sincerity.

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          • reese says:
            Posted: 26 Feb 12

            I answered this before, but it appears to be erased. But I am not sure why you seem to think I have low self esteem or self worth. Or even what makes you an expert on the subject since you are in the same boat looking for a man online. But you don't even know me. If I was in need of advice I might as my mother who is still married to my father for plus 45 year(not divorced) or my grandmother who married But I do not have any of the issues that you talked about. Iplus 65 years. I am not having any trouble attracting men. I haven't found the one yet. You come across as condescending. Just because you worked as a social worker, but reading two paragraphs and seeing a picture doesn't give you a glisp into my life. I am still going to date and discriminate men based on my standards and not yours. I have this crazy notion that I date who I want and you do the same. No one told you who to date or sleep with. I don't know what gives you the right to try to decide who I need to date or what I am doing wrong because you disagree with something I may of wrote. If the reason why I am single is because I am doing something deathly wrong and you have it all together. Answer me this, "Why are you single"?

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          • Noplayer says:
            Posted: 27 Feb 12

            black pearl - I agree whole heartedly. I was on the dating scene going no where fast and it wasn't until I slowed down and turned inward and focussed on loving and appreciated me that I found a peace and a feeling of openness that I'd never known and I really enjoyed being by myself. I had female friends that I'd hang out with but I enjoyed spending time with myself. I made up my mind that I wouldn't look for love, I'd let it find me and I just keep myself open and after about four years it happened. That time seemed so short because I was so into myself that I never realized that I was alone. Now that I think about it, I wasn't alone, I had "ME" and a relationship at that time was like a bowl of Kellog Corn Flakes, sugar made it sweet but even without the sugar I still had a wholesome breakfest. So many people both men and women are not whole and they're hooked on the sweetness of relationships, I call it "the sugar rush" and the more they get, the more they need but what they trully hunger for no lover or relationship will be able to provide that, they'll have to spoon feed themselves! I feel you on this one!

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        • reese says:
          Posted: 25 Feb 12

          I meant less black men(not bw).

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  16.   snglPhilly says:
    Posted: 22 Feb 12

    Personally, I have never limited myself. Been dating outside my race for over 10 years. Never been married. Not sure if I will. I think the overall message is to not limit yourself by any means...to any particular race, physical attributes, or hidden agenda. Be yourself and be open.

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  17.   luv2ski says:
    Posted: 21 Feb 12

    Black women are encouraged to date outside of our race because based on the U.S. Census and other social factors, there are a significant number of eligible black women and an ever decreasing number of eligible black men with which to date. It is basic math. There is a wider pool of "all" men than there is for the limited numbers of eligible black men. No hidden agendas, just the facts. Of course it is up to the individual women to make their own decisions and I wish them well, but why limit yourselves? Black men certainly don't.

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