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Dating white men raises one's standards?

Posted by Ria, 10 Nov

Warning: The article below may be offensive to some readers. This is not the objective. The article is in no way meant to defame or inflame any parties, groups or persons. It is simply meant to find out if other people can relate to the story below.

Ashley Brumeh who is black says she learned something from her interracial relationships with white men: Raise her standards. Basically dating a string of white men set the precedent for her relationships. "He held all the doors open, treated me like a lady, and paid for dinner… he seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say," she says talking about her first boyfriend. Are white men the S.I. unit for love and relationships?

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"After dating more of these men I noticed a trend: All of my relationships with white men involved partners who took me out on actual dates, openly confessed their commitments to me, and tossed around the idea of marriage. My positive experiences with white men were stark contrasts to some of my female counterparts’ troubles with black men. They constantly complained of the black men they encountered, but even still, I wanted to find out for myself if there was any validity in their concerns."

Find out she did. In her search for the perfect man, she started dating both white men and black men and went into it with an open mind.

"Immediately, I noticed differences in my dealings with black men compared to the white men I previously dated. For instance, the black men I met immediately requested visits to my place. Whenever I suggested going on an actual date some either wanted to go dutch or they politely declined. Sadly, their idea of a good time was watching television at my house while eating all of my food. If I hadn’t started out dating white men then I may have assumed those home visits and free-for-alls were the norm."

Ashley said she also encountered communication problems even with the well-read black men. They just wanted to talk about sports and intimacy. One thing she admits is she did meet some black men who did treat her as great as the white men in her life did. Problem is: whenever she brought up marriage, it was discussed with hesitation. Most didn't understand why she - someone from a broken home - would have the desire to get married. Anyway, in her quest to find the one, she did meet the black man who is perfect and wanted commitment. She says:

"... my relationships with white men taught me to never settle for less than I deserved and enabled me to find my Mr. Right by not being comfortable with mediocre "dates," and just being a girlfriend forever. They gave me the ability to differentiate between boys and men. They showed me the ropes of dating and the significance of marriage. And that’s not to say you have to date outside of your race to figure these things out, but in my experience, it helped me find the perfect man for me, one actually within my own race... white men showed me what I needed to know about love, commitment, and romance."

Is there anyone here who can relate to this story... someone who has dated both white men and black men and thought generally, white men know their way around women? Does dating white men raise women's standards automatically? Does this mean most women dating black men have chosen to settle for less? But then again, she found the perfect black man...

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36 responses to "Dating white men raises one's standards?"

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  1.   prettygirl46 says:
    Posted: 09 Aug 13

    There are a lot of white men who just want to use black women for sex and there are some that are considerate and respectful.

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  2.   PinkVelvet81 says:
    Posted: 10 Dec 12

    Dating White men doesn't affect my standards at all. I expect the same things from a man regardless of race.

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  3.   kare1984 says:
    Posted: 10 Dec 12

    There are some really white men who are complete perverts and assholes and there are some who are good...simply the best! The same with black men so i don't understand what u mean.I have had a share of white men too but not all are good and treat women good.

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  4.   casual7 says:
    Posted: 09 Dec 12

    Oh boy, as we struggle through racial problems that still exist in society, articles like this ones remind me the black community still has a problem within itself. I haven't given up just yet

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  5.   cadpuke says:
    Posted: 02 Dec 12

    I tell you what black women are great!!!!!!!! I've dated white women and black women and to tell the truth I didn't think a black women would date a white man seriously.......I was wrong, she was the strongest mind person i ever met and the more I watch her and her struggle through life the more respect I had for her. All her boyfriends played her and used her for a booty call. I just saw a woman that is going to make a big difference in someones life. I think about her still sometimes I almost start to cry WOW! I will always love her.

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  6.   HappySoLucky says:
    Posted: 28 Nov 12

    Why do BM jump up to write a thesis when the topic is BW with WM?? 2 pretty thumbs up on this one. 2/3 of BM were not raised with a dad to teach him manly ways, plain and simple. I date character not race. I explore my options. I date men not boys.

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  7.   Noodlebird57 says:
    Posted: 26 Nov 12

    Although I prefer white men, and acknowledge that they are culturally different from black men, I have found these qualities amongst the white men that I have dated: deception, selfishness, and primarily sexually-focused. Yes, they'll wine and dine you, call you throughout the day professing love and commitment, and literally charm your pants off, but it's the rare white man who is going to legitimately commit to you. If you are looking for a white man to make you feel better about yourself and rescue you, it may be a lost cause. Now if you are looking for uninhibited sex, then date a white man. I think that as black women that we may be viewed as too independent to be appreciated by black men. Maybe we have become so strong that black men can't see how we would benefit from a relationship with them. Do white men date black women because they have sexual desires that are so strong that the dark skin color becomes a fetish with little regard for the inner person? I have to ask myself the same question since I only date white men after two failed marriages to black men (I know that our marriages didn't end because they were black). I guess to sum it up, just because they are white will not make them better.

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  8.   ally2311 says:
    Posted: 18 Nov 12

    I find this article to be somewhat ridiculous ...... I have dated both black men, white men, and others... my ex fiancé is black, a chemist, works with a big company, but, him being diagnosed bipolar, and my ignorance to what bipolar meant, it was just a tough road....a little full of him self, thinking he was the only accomplished black man...and putting everyone, who has a college degree on a pedestal .....we just couldn't make it work... I was also in love with a man, white, for a while..still am, we had an amazing first date, ( and 3 months worth of amazing dates) and i think i fell for him on our first date.. after the awkward moment of first meeting, after weeks of IMing... we made our way out of the coffee shop, and headed uptown in Manhattan...and he held my hand and walked with me the entire day..and our first kiss was beyond amazing! but he never told me he was married till after i had already fallen so hard for him..after the sex had happened....then he disappeared for 7months, after 4 months of dating.. only to find out his wife moved back in ( they were separated) ....met several more "white men" who were were all douche bags...one more douchier than the other..... one, great job in a big company in Manhattan...handsome, smart, all he wanted was anal sex..that's all he would talk about......and i refused every time we talked..till i got fed up and changed my number...met 2 guys from India...oh Lord, disgusting!.....met a Russian, i refused to go back to his place, i got the grandmother died story.... met a chef, "white guy" , well, he's an alcoholic.. met a jewish guy... he wanted to cheat on his gf with me, then tells me, which ever one it works out with, he'll tell the other she has to go..i said no way dude........ i have met a lot of guys over the past 6 years..from all over the globe..and i am still single.... 90% of which never made it pass the first date..... men are men, people are people, and they are who they are..i don't think it's solely based on their skin colour.....this article made all black men sound awful, and all white men sound perfect...when in fact, the colour of one's skin clearly has nothing to do with anything...it's more how we were raised, who they are influenced by in their lives,.. in the ghetto you do have people of all backgrounds... i have met hood white men as well as black men.. i have met sophisticated men of all colour, and backgrounds.... so my dear, i am going to have to give this article a partial thumbs down....but i must say i am glad that you learned to not settle...no matter the skin colour....:)

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  9.   Switiling says:
    Posted: 15 Nov 12

    White men are simply the best when it comes to friendship,romance and dating,they treat us like queens!

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  10.   queenui says:
    Posted: 14 Nov 12

    Everyone should treat everyone as an individual. Explaining your dislike/like of a certain group of individuals showcase your true mindset, rather than the perceived stereotype.

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    • teya123 says:
      Posted: 14 Nov 12

      l have dated both black and white men. Being of african origin l had relationships with a few black men, however some of them were nice and respectful while others horrible nasty and difficult to deal with. My husband was a white man who adored me, unfortunately he passed on. After a long time on my own l started to date again, l met a string of nasty white men, l have just come out of a short term relationship which really hurt. All l can say not every black/white man is bad, its a matter of meeting the right one. l am extremely careful now to guard my heart and not to get involved emotionally until l know someone. l wouldnt expect my standards raised because lm with a white man, a lot of well educated cultured black guys treat women with respect.

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  11.   alan1972 says:
    Posted: 14 Nov 12

    Wow! What a deliberately provocative, ridiculous headline. I don't know who you are Ria but the piece you have written here is just a joke. I can only assume you were trying to get a reaction and, of course, that's exactly what you are getting. The inflammatory nature of your headline/story aside, you've based the justification for your entire piece on the experiences of ONE WOMAN. Are you serious? If the white guy she dated had happened to be Charles Manson would that make all white guys psychos? The thing is people are just people. Be they black, white, brown, blue, whatever, there are good and bad everywhere. I don't think nonsense like this helps anyone. I said it at the start and i'll say it again. Wow!

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  12.   mabuse says:
    Posted: 14 Nov 12

    This is very simple people. White men cannot believe their luck when they date a black woman and therefore will do and tell them whatever they want to hear. If, as a woman, you feel dating any man because of colour, creed, religion or the like carries some sort of standard then I think that reflects on your outlook and nothing else. Black men and white men talk down the pub and believe me ladies we are no different in our views in most things, not all. I respect the lady's view who wrote the article but black men are blamed for too many misgivings and if a man is not ready to discuss marriage then that is his prerogative and should not be seen as a smear against his character. We all get married at some point and if that man you met doesn't marry YOU it is of no significance to the next man, black or white.

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  13.   Unique says:
    Posted: 13 Nov 12

    Well...i simple adore being a black beautiful woman, i respect any man of what color, white, black, italian, arab, purple, yellow, pink, what ever!!! Long as he give me that same respect back.. , aint nobody perfect..but life is what u make it..

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  14.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 13 Nov 12

    It's about your personal standards as a woman period. Whatever type men you attract, you will attract that same type regardless of his ethnicity.

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  15.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 12 Nov 12

    Most of this is bull but not all. These women obviously are experiencing the euphoria of what I call the "expanding horizons effect". They finally stopped dating those same thugs and "swaggerish" brothers that they are used to and now feel as though they have risen from the dead on the third day,lol. I like white men too but I don't praise and worship them.

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  16.   GetEmJayGetEm says:
    Posted: 12 Nov 12

    This is untrue. I'm a young black woman and have dated black and white men. Though I do believe white men tend to be more open about their feelings and little more emotional I have met black men who are also capable of loving very deeply and treating their women like a queen. It really depends on the guy not the race.

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  17.   Chibrotha773 says:
    Posted: 12 Nov 12

    This site is also so biased smdh. Black women run this website and will do anything to put black men down.

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    • silvia says:
      Posted: 13 Nov 12

      Love is colour blind, men should be judged of their deeds:Infact i have a cousin who was married to an african who treated her like queen,helping her with different chores,never raised even a hand on her.You can find a soulmate who is white,black,yellow or whatever and you can find womanizer in any race.

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  18.   silvia says:
    Posted: 11 Nov 12

    Dating white men raises one’s standards? say who?Low esteem ladies who need a white man to save them from their own problems.The colour and the personality is two different thing.We leave in 20th century dont enslave your mind! I am a black lady who is dating a white man.I dated white man from university because out of 120 students,there was 2 black men.So i mean,it was normal and natural for me to date a white man,my fellow university mate.The girls who believe that dating white men raises ones standard are either low educated,have extremely low esteem,stills belive white is superior or supernatural which is sad.I repeate,my fianance is white but he could have been yellow or black coz at the end of the day it is the person/personality you gonna date.I came to realise that in scandinavia there are so many white men who abuse their spouses/girlfriend and yet they are white,just like some black do.White men come from different social classes too and if you meet one from low social class,you better pray that you met a black man from high class who is educated ,supportive and respect you.If i date a white man,its because he is a good match and not a saviour and respect have to be mutual.Why are you dating a white man/woman? NB:I talked with a white guy who is a post worker,who feel very superior just being in Africa because there his colour is of high value..The point is,in scandinavia he is from low social class but his ego is boosted when he travel in africa and treated like king and he enjoy it.A highly educated black girl with career,would such a post worker white guy raise her standard or demolish her standard? We leave in 20 century dont enslave your mind!

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    • dont_know says:
      Posted: 01 Dec 12

      Wait! -- There seems to be a confusion of terms here. She does not say that her dating white men raised her "status" or "station"! I believe you people (what do you mean by 'you people?!' lol, no, just kidding) are confusing the meanings of the word "standards" for words like 'station' or 'status'." My two cents: If I understand correctly, then she is saying that by dating white men she has come to expect a higher standard of treatment, openness, respect, so on... Possible explanation: Perhaps, this is not because they are "white men" (I was a firefighter for 15 years, so trust me when I say that some white men are some of the most narrow-minded, inconsiderate, oafish troglodytes on the planet) but because men who are evolved enough as human beings, emotionally, spiritually, etcetera, are likely to also be open to dating outside "their race" as they are likely to not even see "race" (I personally don't believe in race: put my relatives in a tropical shadeless climate for thousands of years and their cleverly adaptive human beautiful human bodies will change too to their environment). So the point here is that mature men, evolved, considerate, thoughtful, educated, awakened, emotionally-secure and open men and consequently their approach to intimate relationships is what "raised her standards" And we all ("races") have the ability to learn, evolve and mature and change who we choose to be in this world. Gandhi (another beautiful brown-skinned human) said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." :)

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  19.   Chibrotha773 says:
    Posted: 11 Nov 12

    Sorry about the grammar I was rushing lmao.

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  20.   Chibrotha773 says:
    Posted: 11 Nov 12

    Well this is so typical of black women and why i prefer not to date one...this black woman first of all has had multiple relationships with white men and if they were so good why did you leave those particular men...u went on a couple dates with a few so called black men which I don't really think anybody believes is true and u judge all black men on the supposed few dates that you so called went on...and you clearly came into this so called experiment with a motive to see if your bitter single friends were right. So you were looking for everything so you can to prove your and your friends theory right...but just to sum this all up you are just like most black women who can't seem to notice the difference between black men and a black man...the only thing black men do as a whole is breathe some of us belive in chivalry and treating women like queens and how about you take a look at the world and see that white men do the same shit as black men good and bad.

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  21.   arlandf says:
    Posted: 10 Nov 12

    There are black men that do actually go dates. For example, the museum, the beach, a sporting event, etc. The problem is that a lot of black women do not know how to appreciate it. A woman of another race will appreciate it, but a black woman won't. For example, I took a black woman to the Aquarium, the beach (90 miles away from home) and Olive Garden. A couple weeks later, I found out that she was with someone else, which broke my heart. Before then, she talk about how someone (maybe the same guy she was with) hurt her previously. So basically, I got played. No, she wasn't a hoodrat or a whore. This was a woman that goes to church. Also, there are times that I compliment black women and they viewed it as a I was trying to get with them. Let me answer the first question you asked, white men know their way around women? Some not all. Even white women sometimes have problem with them. For example, go to an all white club and see how their antics turn women off. They will get drunk as hell and say the most obnoxious things, and start a fight with someone. Yeah, this goes on with black men in black clubs, but no one is above reproach here. Does dating white men raise women’s standards automatically? Maybe for Asian women, Latina, Indian, or a foreign women. It is different for them because they know how to treat all men. However, most black men, especially in America act like children so they need to be treated as such. In addition, it ruins the game for black men like myself.. For black women in America, it can't, because the way they treat white men isn't the same way they treat black men and they know it. They will treat a white man that catches the bus better, before they treat a black man who drives a Mercedes. How can standards be raised when you don't have everybody on the same standard? That is like comparing your best friend to your worst enemy. Does this mean most women dating black men have chosen to settle for less? No. I will explain. When black women get with black men, most of the time they choose the bums, the effeminate, the deadbeat, and the thugs. They don't choose the black man that tries to make an honest living or have something going for himself such as, going to school, starting a legitimate business, or working a 9 to 5 job. Even with white men, they don't get the ones that look like Brad Pitt. They will get the blue collar ones and later get upset when she sees a black man doing better then them two. When any other race of women get with black men, they choose the one that has something going for himself. They choose him based on his potential. They are already being despised for dating black men by their families, so they have to pick the best one out of the bunch. Also, If you follow sports, you will notice most black athletes have children out of wedlock with black women (reason why you have Basketball Wives). However, black athletes that date women of another race, they don't have children until after they are married (IE: Prince Fielder, Charles Tillman, Tim Duncan). You don't settle for less when they are the least, you settle for less because you choose the least. In closing, it doesn't raise standards because white men are treated better than black men and everybody knows this. Even a broke white man is treated better than a rich black man. These women who had problem with black men is based off the choices they made, as well as others. Some of you may have friends that have played these brothers and didn't chastise them for it. Because of this, this maybe the reason why they are not treating you right. You can't have a standard when one have an advantage and one don't. PS: Ria, if you are reading this. I would love to write for fyooz. I believe that there need to be a balance voice on this site. I hate responding to something that is truly one sided and people going to thumbs it down anyway. So if it is possible, can I write for this comany?

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    • Reese says:
      Posted: 12 Nov 12

      I cannot get why this upsets you brothers all the things you say about black women and are surprised that some black women prefer and have the same stereotypes about you too. But the statistics show that black women have more successful marriages to non black men. The lowest divorce rate in the nation with white men and the opposite isn't true. I think it is black men who are selecting the wrong black women. If you aren't interested in black women why do you care why they date white men. You should be glad they are not checking for you. All your stereotypes about black women when all black women or even most don't care who you date. Why would I worry about any man I am not interested in or related too. You do you. You are mad when black women are upset about you dating out and still upset because they like you prefer non black. Can you imagine that maybe like you they have had better experiences with non black men. You aren't interested in these women so why should this bother you?

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      • arlandf says:
        Posted: 12 Nov 12

        Why pull shaming tactics? I answered the question in a logical manner. I didn't use rhetoric or a one-sided view to answer the question. Most of the things that I said is the truth. Also, the stuff I mentioned goes on in everyday life and everyone knows this. I don't care about you dating white men. Just like I told one woman here, go ahead because women like you cannot be on my side or behind my back. What upsets me is that the bias comparison between white men and black men. Now if a person did a bias comparison between white women and black women then black women would be upset, rightfully so. You wouldn't like it if I said white women have a better standard the black women because of the black women that I dealt with. If I dated hoodratted black women, ignoring the decent black women, then dated upscale white women and say white women treated me better than black women, that will not be a fair assessment. It will not be fair because I chose the wrong black woman, but chose the good white woman. Instead of saying like "she's mad that black men isn't interested in her." or anything of that nature. I refute the commentary. Now if you don't like what I said, then most likely it is the truth.

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        • Reese says:
          Posted: 15 Nov 12

          My point is even on the ir site black women didn't agree with her read the comments below. And you might be surprised. I am not. I am not upset and I hope you success whoever you date. But please don't jump to the conclusion that she represents black women view when black women have the highest percentage of prefering there race and are now waking up to the opportunity of dating outside the race.

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      • arlandf says:
        Posted: 13 Nov 12

        I forgot to add just because statistics shows that black women have successful marriages with non black men doesn't guarantee that you will have a successful marriage. If you follow football, you will know a back-up quarterback has a higher passing rating than a starting quarterback. That doesn't mean the back-up quarterback is better than the starting quarterback. What am I trying to make of this? Because black women don't date out compare to everyone else, except Asian men, they are going to have a low divorce rate. Just like the author, you need stop trying to overhype interracial dating. There is a difference between opting for interracial dating and hyping interracial dating.

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        • Reese says:
          Posted: 15 Nov 12

          You missed my point. I didn't say she was right. My point is that you can't stereotype black women and then get mad because you are stereotyped. Did I say that I agreed with her or that what she said was correct. This is one woman with an oppinion which I don't agree with because she I have a good black father and mother who are still married today. My problem with her article is that instead of saying her opinion from her experience she applies it universially. Where is all the black women you thought would be supporting her statements non did. It is the ideal that you have that she represents all or even most black women and then used your own stereotypes that you complain that black women use on you. See I am not in competition with black men or playing the blame game of who is the most to blame. What do you think you accomplish. My point is ofcourse there or some black women who prefer white men for the same stereotypes that they claim about black women. But I don't think black men are inferior because if you take that to the logical conclusion it would mean that black women are inferior and black children and so on. Anybody who needs to date someone outside the race to feel any kind of worth is someone I won't waste time with.

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        • reese says:
          Posted: 17 Nov 12

          No it is rate which is percentatge. If what you said was true than black men and white women would have a lower divorce rate than white men/white women or Asian women and white men would also and it is not the case.

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    • bigeyes31 says:
      Posted: 12 Nov 12

      arlandf I enjoyed your comment. I couldn't stop nodding my head. I think you did a wonderful job. You view is very balanced and unbiased. I used to enjoy the blog articles on this site but they are increasingly becoming more and more ignorant, trivial and predictable. This site doesn't really offer any truly helpful articles that help interracial couples get together. I hope they will ask you to join their team. Good luck

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      • bigeyes31 says:
        Posted: 12 Nov 12

        *Your view* sorry

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      • arlandf says:
        Posted: 12 Nov 12

        Thanks, I truly appreciate it. I love enjoy reading articles on this site and give my POV. However, I don't like bias content. I am quick to call it out. Of all things, I try to be fair.

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    • cocoacutie94 says:
      Posted: 25 Nov 12

      Brad Pitt? I don't think anyone is getting a white man that looks like Brad Pitt, not even white women, because men who look like Brad Pitt are not common. LOL! Have you seen the white husbands of your white women coworkers? I have, and they are average at best. Looks should not be the determining factor for a good mate.

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      • SETI says:
        Posted: 02 Dec 12

        Actually Brad Pitt dated Robin Givens for quite some time.

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