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Divorce may have been the worst decission they made

Posted by Ria, 29 Jun

remarried after divorce Just the other day, I ran a story of women who take care of their dying exes after years and years of bitter divorces. Well, that isn’t a shocker. After 31 friggin years of divorce, Amerah Henrene Shabazz-Bridges and B.C. Bridges (pictured right), decided to get remarried in 2005.

See, these two aren’t the only ones to have realized divorce was wrong for them. Marie Osmond, Elizabeth Taylor, Melanie Griffith and many more couples have remarried their spouses after spending time apart… some even just months after divorce. So why would anyone want to go back to a relationship they once denounced dysfunctional?

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According to Helen Fisher, author of the book “Why Him? Why Her?”, "There were real reasons that you were attracted to somebody originally. The brain doesn’t pick willy-nilly. Unless you part ways hating each other for some reason, that mechanism could get triggered again. You can literally fall in love again."

Looking at Amerah and B.C., they met when they were young and they had to divorce four years into their marriage due to religious among other differences that cropped up. They both remarried more than once. Then they met during B.C.’s mum’s funeral – both of them single. Talking led to reminiscing… reminiscing to lots of laughter… laughter to a "Can I come see you?" from B.C. to which Amerah, now 72, said "O.K."

"We both realized there was a lot of dysfunction in the first marriage. But time has a way of healing, and so when you know better, you do better. We both came to a place of saying, ‘That is the past and today is different.’ And it has been," said Amerah. "I really regretted leaving and divorcing him. But I do believe it all happened so that we could grow." So they made the decision to do it again. It’s been six years now. And they have never been happier with each other.

I guess time really has a way of healing. Time has a way of making couples realize they are better off with each other than with other people, despite emotional hurt they may have caused each other in the past. And much as some sh** don’t just go away, with time, some realize that sh** wasn’t worth getting divorced over.

According to his experience with divorced then remarried couples, John Gottman, divorce therapist says the problem with such couples, is they are too impatient and too quick to want to bail when they sense it still isn’t working the second time around.

I guess the reasons why you divorced in the first place affects the decision to get back with your ex. If say, substance abuse was the cause then someone gets clean after years, this can make you remember why you fell in love in the first place… but at the same time trust issues may come into play. Any tiny suspicious behavior might make you go “I am too old to go through this sh** again!”

Based on the nature of the divorce, ONLY TRUST can make it last the second time around. So if you want to swim in the muddy waters you once swam in, be prepared to get dirty. How you deal with the dirt is what will make the second time different from the first. Here are more stories about couples who decided to say “I do” one more time after “Hell No! I don’t”.

Can you picture yourself ever remarrying your ex? For me, there is a reason you became an ex in the first place so once an ex, forever an ex.

2 responses to "Divorce may have been the worst decission they made"

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SugahRush says:

Posted: 05 Jul 11

Time does have a way of healing. But funny thing about healing--it's not always without scars nor is it a journey of restoring/replacing the 'Perceptions of Past Perfection". There’s an injury, or loss but one person may see the loss as irreparable, yet, to another, healing is evasive. The healing after a divorce is no different. No matter the circumstances preceding the event, all parties endure incredible loss. Some have said that divorce is worse than death (mainly because of the faint hope of reconciliation held by & for the couple). When there is reconciliation AND reunion of a divorce couple only one thing is certain—they both will have changed. Whether or not they’ve grown and matured, remains to be seen, however. There can be many benefits to remarrying an Ex. Reuniting couples have the benefit of a history. They not only have an understanding of what was wrong but also of what was good and attractive. They may also have the support of family and friends—especially if there were children involved in the first marriage/divorce. Another vital benefit of marital history is that you KNOW that this person has demonstrated the desire for a permanent relationship. At least once before, they made a vow, and put it in writing. Sure, it may have been a bad choice, but the fact is, they made the choice based on the information and understanding they had at that time. If they’ve matured since the divorce, remarrying exes will have an understanding of their own responses to past challenges. They will have let go of useless preconceptions of “what love looks or feels like” and are able to commit themselves to learning how to love their ex as is needed, rather than "the way one feels it should be done". Marriage is the ultimate risk. To marry is to lay your life down for this spouse. To remarry can be a greater risk--or lesser one. The couple in the article said that over the years “they let go of their old perceptions of how love looks, behaves and became confident with themselves." Their differences were no longer a reason to fight--but they were also not a reason to celebrate. They seemed to agree that there are newer priorities. More than anything, they seem to know how they are willing to relate and respond to the other. To LOVE isn’t about the relationship one chooses, as much as it how one CHOOSES TO RELATE. Maybe time apart has shown them a better way of relating. May they allow the Creator of marriage to bless them with a long beautiful one!! :D

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Mychal67 says:

Posted: 02 Jul 11

Well...i think "ONLY TRUST" is not accurate. There needs to be growth and maturity as individuals, as well as distance from the first union. Without these othe components, a reunion probably will not be any better than the first time around. After all, where does this "TRUST" come from? There is beauty in aging gracefully, and allowing ourselves to re-examine who we once were and the decisions that we once made. If we are honest with ourselves we use these revelations as a growth experience....if we are not we continue to deny our culpability and just blame our former partner. So I believe trust is important, but not as implied in the article. It is the trust in ourselves to be honest that is the prevailing trust, AS well as being able to trust that our former and possibly future partner has taken the same journey of self examination.

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