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Fetish or Preference?

Posted by Ria, 16 Apr

We always talk about interracial dating and interracial sex. Well today, let’s take the debate a notch or two higher and pose the following question: Is interracial dating a preference or fetish? And at what level or point does admiration of certain features - say kinky hair, petite stature – become total fetish?

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63 responses to "Fetish or Preference?"

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  1.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 03 Sep 10

    I don't think dating outside of your race should be based on appearance. I think it should be based on appreciation of the culture of the other person that is often different than your own. Hopefully, you can incorporate the best of both of your cultures together and base things on deeper values and not just looks because almost anyone if they want to and have the money can look another race nowadays and it is getting more extreme as time goes on. So go for someone based on their cultural differences that you admire and not just because they look different and that is what you really like about them. That is no way to have a deeper relationship based on true love anyway. The more you date, the less like you are to find true love because you are basing things on quantity not quality and it takes a lot of time with one person at a time that you are dating to get to the deeper things about them which is what true love is based on.

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  2.   acuteblkguy says:
    Posted: 25 Mar 10

    You people talk as if fetish is bad or that it means u can't love a person and have a fetish for them. I think to better understand this some of u need to know what fetish means because fetish is broad and culturally and socially diff from region to region

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  3.   Maxhb says:
    Posted: 06 Mar 10

    For me a fetish is kink. BDSM or any of those associations, and anything that might be an obsession that is out of the ordinary such as exhibitionism. To connotate a preference for black women would be to classify it as an obsessive interest. The features of a black woman racially, very dark skin, full lips, curvy figure, are very much a turn on but when I am with them, it is not an obessive factor and rarely are the women I engage with part of that fantasy. I grew up in Miami where the major part of my dating life was with hispanic women and red-haired blue-eyed or green eyed Irish types and also black women. They were much different from my own cultural backgounds and inspired curiousity and interest. White women just were not really interesting unless they were mediterranean types or deep southern belles. Very different, preferences.

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  4.   Bellara says:
    Posted: 24 Nov 09

    preference is choosing over the other such as choosing to date australian males. most preferences aren't limited to one option, it's simply what they desire on "most occasions." fetish is an abnormal degree of desire. the lenght people go to attain things such as nice tan, straight hair and so on makes it a fetish not a preference

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  5.   ninaforever says:
    Posted: 18 Oct 09

    I am basically new here and have been checking out a lot of profiles and i noticed that a lot of persons declared that they did not want a person that has not been in an interracial relationship before because they do not want to be someone's experiment. do you know that you can be in a same race relationship and still be someone's experiment? I think it is unfair to form a bias like that because in it i can hear anger and resentment. I have never dated interracially not because i never wanted to but i live in a predominately black country and there has never been a opportunity but i have always found men of all races attractive. anyone who has dated interrracially is someone's first,so i think that to make a statement like that is hypocritical.

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  6.   EnglishLP says:
    Posted: 17 Mar 09

    10 years ago I had a relationship with my first ever black man, since then I have not gone with a white guy, so the expression'once you've had balck there's no going back' is so very true in my case! I find that black guys are more manly and generally in better shape ! Yes, I know that sounds very superficial but it's 'my preference' which is not a fetish !!! Fetishism is based on erotica, rubber, bondage, sado/mach etc etc etc. The two should not be confused !

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  7.   T says:
    Posted: 17 Nov 08

    Do Homosexual men and women have gender preferences or fetishes?

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  8.   sweetroses says:
    Posted: 24 Aug 08

    Thanks unknown person, people of all should find pleasure in each other not because of fetish, I think two people should be attracted to each other and get to know each other first and then they will know what the prefrences are. God bless.

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  9.   Unknown says:
    Posted: 31 Jul 08

    Um... wow, hahaha! First of all, a fetish is a sexual obsession. Anything can be a fetish, but all fetishes are ABNORMAL OBSESSIONS. So if a white guy likes black women SOLEY for for his own sexual obsession, then yes, he has a fetish for black women. If a white guy likes a black woman because he enjoys her company or finds her attractive, then he simply has an attraction to a black woman. How on earth can someone be stupid enough to confuse a fetish with attraction???! Again, I'm worried about the original author's thought process. I'm beginning to think Ria likes posting crap articles for their shock value rather than for an informative and intelligent purpose. I refuse to read anymore of this Ria's articles. I advise the rest of you to do the same.

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  10.   RIVERFLOWING says:
    Posted: 26 Jul 08

    You have to be kiddin me. Experiment Im not a science project nor is anyone else. Ok everybody let's all put blind folds on and try the topic again.

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  11.   JIB says:
    Posted: 22 Jul 08

    I guess the real question is this...if no one wants to be the "experiment" then how do people of different colors date outside their race for the first time? Sounds a little like "I won't buy a new car. Let the other guy buy it and take all the depreciation then I get what I want with a few miles on it and don't take the loss in value" argument. Works for cars not sure about it working for human beings..... Ken

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  12.   Aurorin says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 08

    I am a Black female. I know that I have always loved men of every color. I have dated and fallen in love with men from all over the world and from every ethnic group because that was what my heart felt. I believe that society later made me feel ashamed of my preference not to limit myself to only Black men. For me, interracial dating is certainly a preference, but I have had the misfortune to make the acquaintance of more than one white man who proposed to use me as some sort of living cultural experiment. For those men, dating interracially is most certainly a fetish. These type of people, as Anonymous stated on 23 June, tend to rely on stereotypes and have very unrealistic expectations of their partners. I try to steer clear of men, White, Latino, and/or Asian who are hoping that with me they can fulfill some sort of "chocolate fantasy". I also refuse to be anyone's experiment.

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  13.   Anonymous says:
    Posted: 23 Jun 08

    It is easy to spot when it is a fetish. Conversations usually revolve around stereotypes (negative and or positive). Unfortunately this is the picture painted to me by some divorcees with older white men...the ones who have already lived a first life with marriage and children. Based on my interaction with the ones I have dealt with, their new freedom comes with a need to experiment. I refuse to be anyone's experiment.

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  14.   desiree15 says:
    Posted: 23 Jun 08

    It doesn't matter to me if it's someone's first time dating outside their race. Sometimes, it takes time to work up the courage and act on those feelings that you have someone that it different. I know that I worried about my family's reaction but eventually realize that as long as was happy dating outside my race, then no one else mattered!

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  15.   cme4wutiam says:
    Posted: 23 Jun 08

    As a black woman I am not afraid to date a guy if it's his first time dating outside. Some people have said if it's the guys first time that's a sign that it's a fetish. Not always true. I dated a guy and I knew I was his first black girl but and he showed no signs of it being a fetish until later on when he would tell me he wanted me to wear an afro and I that I needed to speak more "ghetto". After we broke up I found out that he left me because I wasn't the sterotypical warrior black woman. He essentially wanted me to be the dominant one and to whip his ass into shape, well I wasn't so he let me go and went back to his ex(a white girl) who was more like that. Now the guy I'm dating now I'm his first black girl too but he loves me so much. Never have I felt like I had to put on a "black" act with him. I can actually be myself and so can he. So I say don't automatically dismiss the 1st timers as fetishes. It's kinda hit or miss. just look for the red flags. PS. This goes for the white guys as well be careful there are black women who are out for the fetish as well...

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  16.   Jade74 says:
    Posted: 08 Jun 08

    Someone need to walk in a black woman' shoes.BTW..we do have a live....all is very good even putting up with rude people and ones that have not walked in a black woman's shoes and what really goes on and not swept under the rug..

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  17.   Morningflower says:
    Posted: 07 Jun 08

    Definately a huge preference for me! I get asked all the time "why did you step out" - and other questions like that. Depending on the time of day or mood - I either give a polite response or my Jedi "she-warrior" side comes out..(smile).

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  18.   Chetl says:
    Posted: 07 Jun 08

    Some people on this blog are just not thinking, or still bound by their own racism, by spewing out the dribble that older white men somehow were less serious or without honorable motives just does not stand up to scrutiny. At the time, the older white men as you are referring to them acted on their feelings and conviction about interracial relationships there was definite social price to pay for following their feelings. To make the statement that the younger generation is somehow different is naive. The younger generation is free to follow their open path because of the doors (many doors) that the earlier generations knocked down for them. From reading some of the statements by older black women on this site, you would think that some white man earlier in their lives jilted them. Ladies get a life.

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  19.   blue1 says:
    Posted: 06 Jun 08

    I think oldschool56 & Jade74 are painting "old" white men with too board a brush. 1st time daters may not know how to communicate and need to be shown. As an "old" white man I was married once for 21 years to a black woman. I and many others have not just decided that we are now okay to date black women. It is a new day in out society. Love your conversation

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  20.   Jade74 says:
    Posted: 06 Jun 08

    Hey Oldschool56 as a black woman and the same age as you, Ive had some of the same experiences also from white men that are older or in the same age range.To many it is a fantasies and fetish.Most have not had any interaction with black people.The most interaction might be as the boss working with blacks and not outside the job. Good comment.

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  21.   oldschool56 says:
    Posted: 06 Jun 08

    Im 52, single black woman. I have dated white men all my life. I have dated men younger than me and older than me. In my experience, its more of a preference for younger men today then years past. However our older white men tend to have lived their lives and now feel that they can persue their fetishes and call it preferences. Last experience, a man 54, who divorced his wife of 30 years. Now decides that he wants to date black women, yet he has had this desire all his life. But he waits until now to fulfill it. I dont believe it and would not date him. Any man that has to put the word "black" in every sentence that he speaks..has issues...(i.e...a man is chatting with a black woman and in talking about his past dating experiences keeps repeating..["you know once I dated this black girl.."]where if he were talking to a white woman, he would just say.."you know I dated this girl...") Younger men have a mind-set to just be more normal. They act like dating a black woman is not taboo. Older men think they are doing something naughty or kinky in dating a black woman, and tend to bring up a lot of sexual things in defending their reason for wanting to date black women. Online..well that is a total fetish in itself for the majority of men. They think that black women are good for fulfilling their sexual kinks but the white woman is the one who is good enough to marry. Interracial marriages that last are few and far between. Just my opinion and Im only going from my dating experiences the past 35 years...

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  22.   breezy1968 says:
    Posted: 03 May 08

    Yes!! to both nesha86 and g676. I've always wondered if I was odd in someway for loving the black male. They are what I prefer. Always have, always will.

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  23.   blkbeauty31 says:
    Posted: 03 May 08

    Hey everyone! I like this article and I actually asked myself this question. I wondered if this was some sexual thing for me. I am with ya'll! Dating white men is not my fetish. My interest and attraction includes sex, but goes beyond sexual desire or satisfaction. As one of the other young black women above mentioned, I have also been attracted to white males since I was very young! In fact, I remember as a child people saying "why are white people or men always attracted to her?", or "why does she always like white men?" This is not something I tried to do conciously or with much effort. White men are simply my preference ; ).

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  24.   Debbie56 says:
    Posted: 01 May 08

    For me a black man is a preference, not a fetish I was married to a white man for many years, but now I am only attracted to black men, all the rubbish they do say about Black men as in size is rubbish as a pathologist I can tell you that is complete rubbish... the attraction is what Your eyes see and what you desire... and as we get older, Black men have that added sex appeal, they just dont seem to age!!

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  25.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 28 Apr 08

    Interesting analogy Daizy101

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  26.   Daizy101 says:
    Posted: 27 Apr 08

    It is a preference...it becomes a fetish if the stereotypes start to seep in i.e black men have bigger penises.Not all black men are well endowed & yes some women are attracted to black men but if thats the only reason why you like them other than you being "attracted" to them then its a fetish. Not only that but the poor guy is being used lol. (no offence..don't take it personally, just my opinion)

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  27.   nesha86 says:
    Posted: 27 Apr 08

    An interracial partner is pure preference. Calling it a fetish gives it a negative connotation.

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  28.   2ute4u says:
    Posted: 25 Apr 08

    i am in total agreement with the above blogger,MiaLaMorena, on what she said about some white men on whether it's a fetish for them or not.One can always spot them in the way they may attempt to speak to me and if they say to me "I've never beeen w/ a black woman,then of course,it's bye bye bye. I will not be subject of his experiment...

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  29.   cdelight says:
    Posted: 24 Apr 08

    Is it any different than liking a blonde vs a brunette? I don't have a preference of ethnicity. I look at it as simply an attraction to another human being that knocks my socks off..lol. I dated outside my race in high school and had a little fun later in life with a European non-black guy. I guess for some it is a preference for others it just happens to be something about that person they're attracted to. I'm a sucker for guys with spiked hair... now that's a fetish.

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  30.   Heidi says:
    Posted: 24 Apr 08

    I think it is a preference. I'm not sure how race really evolves into a fetish?! I mean its just skin color! heidi http://www.cupidsreviews.com

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  31.   ethereal99 says:
    Posted: 24 Apr 08

    sentou1: leave the white world behind & come to Brooklyn for a while, you'll meet plenty of black women there.

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  32.   writechick says:
    Posted: 23 Apr 08

    It is fairly easy to determine which it is when meeting someone new. I've had my fair share of white men who want to talk to me about how they saw "Booty Call" or something else odd. That's fetish...and stupid. And then there are men who ask me about my favorite jam band and coffee addiction - that's just an attraction. On my end, I don't know that I have a race preference, per se, as I have a distinct preference for a type of human that I find non-negotiable. If I find that with a tall, lean, smart, funny white guy who is hot for me, then so be it. :)

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  33.   cjk062674 says:
    Posted: 22 Apr 08

    I've always been more attracted to black men and have wondered if it was "normal" or not but I never thought of it as anything other than a preference. Like some of those who answered here I too always thought there might be something weird about me but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one thinking like that. And I totally agree with g676... it's a natural thing that you don't have control over

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  34.   ethereal99 says:
    Posted: 21 Apr 08

    To smartchick: Your friend may suffer from "limerence" which is usually centered on an individual & not a whole race. Check the term on wikipedia. Also, the women who give him the time of day may consider him a 9 out of 1-10. Fetish & preference can be a strong factor in the way we live our lives. All the Best !

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  35.   smartchick says:
    Posted: 19 Apr 08

    I have a male friend who as he puts it has "yellow fever." And he definitely has a fetish. He does nothing but attribute positive characteristics to asian women, even when his "beliefs" are refuted right before his eyes. He married a Korean woman but now admits he never really knew her but was taken in by here beauty and all the attention she gave him (i.e., white Navy man in Korea). He's separated but only dates Asians, thinks they are all so beautiful, caring and giving. Then I remind him of his wife, his sister-in-law and his mother-in-law. He's tune changes for an instant until he thinks up enough excuses to excuse their behaviors that are inconsistent with his "beliefs." The man has fetish. Funny thing is, the women he dates are far from beautiful. They wouldn't turn anyone's head...but they are Asians that give him the time of day (he's about a 6 on a scale of 1-10). As for me, I have dated various races, religions, ethnicities, and nationalities. I am attracted to the person. My serious relationships as an adult have been with 2 men of Caribbean decent (both non-American) and 2 white Americans. No fetish here :-)

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  36.   ethereal99 says:
    Posted: 19 Apr 08

    LOL@mossimo, good one! Interracial dating is a preference to me, personally. I always think of a fetish as a "psychotic" preference such as those concerning feet, S&M, or trampling, yes, I said trampling, not trampoline. Now, there is nothing wrong with being kinky, it's your business. The fetish level is when we want such specific attributes in a person that we disqualify a huge percentage of prospective partners & miss out on some really great people & relationships. Agreed, in general, Interracial desire can be both preference or fetish, but for me, it is a preference.

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  37.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 19 Apr 08

    I think the line is crossed from preference to fetish when a person becomes an "object" of your desire. I also think that there can be a subtle (and maybe not so subtle) bit of racism at work in a preference for race. I can't honestly say that I have a "preference" for Black women. I do know that I am attracted to beauty, inside and out, in my eyes. The fact that I am on a site that believes love is more than skin deep... says even more.

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  38.   JIB says:
    Posted: 19 Apr 08

    It's definitely a preference for me. One thing that irks me a little is all the folks, both male and female, who are against "experimenting." Don't you think you were "experimenting" with your first date? Where would you be in your current relationship if you never found someone willing to let you experiment. It's the journeys we take in our lives that makes us who we are. There is a first time for everything and if the attraction is there..then I say Viva l'experience!!!

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  39.   OliVanLors says:
    Posted: 19 Apr 08

    Definitely not a fetish. There are lots of guys I find attractive, but it's a certain type that I have a preference for. Its the usual looks and nature of the preferred kind that I like

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  40.   redwoodswede says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 08

    It's a matter of preference for me. However, I will admit that part of the preference is an attraction to certain physical features, like dark hair, brown skin, and curves. And those tend to be prevalent in non-white women. So that's a part of it. I don't think that qualifies as a fetish for me, because it's not exclusive (hell, I had the hots for a pale skinny blonde once), but it's something I have to think about. I think it takes a high level of self awareness to really tell what is at the root of attraction. And more importantly, if you have a "thing" for a certain ethnic group, so what? At least you know what you like.

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  41.   r_u_myknight says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 08

    For me it is definitely a preference...I've always been attracted to white men but unfortunatley I live in a world where it is deemed "not normal" or "too different" to date outside of my race and ethnicity...

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  42.   ME says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 08

    Well now you can hear it from the horses mouth; For me , its not a fetish or a preference.... its a fetish or preference for THEM... >for me , its a way of life

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  43.   fal20 says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 08

    It's most definately a preferance for me.I have always been attracted to white guys!!

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  44.   sentou1 says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 08

    haha Im have been starting to think I am crazy but I have always preferred black women. The only problem is im white and I live in a white world and rarely if ever meet black women :(

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  45.   calif.peach says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 08

    I have been dating interracially since I was 13... so, I am 48 now (on the down side) that makes 35 years or being completely open to any person that makes me feel good... what is the problem anyway? I mean really, if we were blind what would even clue you in to the difference? I just don't get the problem..... Oh well....

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  46.   drkchocolte says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 08

    Uhmm it is definitely a preference for me. I've dated interracially in every nationality since I was 16. I find that I connect better with caucasian men.

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  47.   Clifford1 says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 08

    From the beginning I have always been attracted to black women. I would definitely say that my attraction is a predisposition and not a fetish. I am turned on by the feel, taste, and smell, and yes I am into braided hair and everything that makes a black woman different. My feelings are not dominated by sex, it is important, but not the reason that I am attracted. There is a huge difference in the way a black woman treats her man, some call it special I describe it as wonderful. Recently after a long term relationship with a lady directly from Nigeria I have refined my interest to African born woman, there is a definite difference they seem to have been raised in a less prejudicial atmosphere, interracial relationships come natural for them. If you are having these feelings my recommendation is act on them. Yes you will meet many black women with absolutely no interest, but if you make your feelings known you will find more than enough black woman who have a similar interests and feelings. Be warned If your feelings are real you will have definite problem returning to dating women who are not black

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  48.   blue1 says:
    Posted: 17 Apr 08

    I dated my first black women in the 8th grade. for years I dated all races. over time I was more and more attracted to black women and now only date black women. It is an attraction based on thier beauty and booty lol. the ones I date are open about what they want and go after it. Big attraction to me. Not a fetish

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  49.   alizm says:
    Posted: 17 Apr 08

    Its a preference for me,the reasons why i find ebony women more attractive than any other race are from their Skin Tone(i luv all the flavors),they seem to exude more confidence,They have very beautiful smiles,Strong Family Values,I find their "attitudes" attractive,Their facial features, + their curvaceous shapely bodies,its so sexy.

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  50.   MHM1 says:
    Posted: 17 Apr 08

    I am so glad that I am actually not abnormal, I was beginning to think that being attracted to white men was wrong...My friends (white and black) have always raised an eyebrow when I speak about dating white men but the truth of the matter is that I am so attracted to them and it has been so since I was very young, guess God made me that way. The funny thing though is that I have never dated any white men, hence my presence on this site. I must say, the prospects of finally being with someone that I really and truly wish and desire to be with is so exciting. So no, it's not a fetish it is a definite preference and I hope he finds me :-)

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