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Lacking libido - not just a female problem

Posted by Ria, 09 Apr

A troubled wife calls some sex therapist about her sex life having taken a rather noticeable nosedive. She’s famished for the steamy sex they used to have. Tables have turned. He is the one with the ‘headache'.

A dude who doesn’t want some … :roll: you must be sh**ing me! Now this is what I call some major shift in bedroom dynamics … women are finally talking about a problem their spouses would rather keep locked up in the closet – diminished libido for men under 40, both single and married. According to some studies, it’s trickling down to college going men, with one-forth facing performance problems.

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Brian Zamboni, a different therapist with the Human Sexuality program at the University of Minnesota, also admits to having seen a "significant and steady stream" of new male clients, between the ages of 20 to 35, in the past five years.

A new book on low sexual desire among men 'America's best-kept secret' features men sharing frustration and confusion. This is from a guy seeking advice from a medical column; "Yes, I'm 25 and I have a sexual dysfunction already…I don't have erections in the morning anymore. I must sleep first to have sex later. Why is this happening to a healthy guy like me?"

How about too little sleep? Or Too much porn? Cigarettes? Or just plain hating on the gal.

And the thing is, this don’t always affect men alone. Their spouses feel it too. Check this one out: "This morning, I was once more rejected and I started to cry because it's getting to me," writes a woman on the 'Mismatched Libidos' message board, specifically for people in their 20s and 30s. "I feel ugly, I feel fat," she finishes.

One of the female writers recalls her husband telling her years ago that she shouldn’t lose her incredible sexual appetite especially when they get kids. Two kids and 10 years later, the woman isn’t the one who lost that appetite. Dude has. And its always excuse after excuse.

There has always been the myth that men always want sex. But with the contrary being aired in public, this kinda silences the other fiction that women never want sex.

Big Q: Is it that women suddenly have increased confidence in - and demand for - sexual pleasure and intimacy that is forcing this issue into the open or is it an issue that has always been there? Do women suddenly have heightened sexual desires or is it the men? And why now? Should we blame porn?

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16 responses to "Lacking libido - not just a female problem"

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  1.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 29 May 08

    Very true about libido being affected by problems in the relationship. Man or woman young or old

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  2.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 27 May 08

    Sad to hear that hello. Any reasons why?

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  3.   hello says:
    Posted: 26 May 08

    i have no sex drive

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  4.   kathugga says:
    Posted: 10 May 08

    Huh? Hmm, it is true that you need to talk about things, yah. I'll admit it, when I was married, the last few months I didn't want to touch my wife. The sex was good, it was frequent if I wanted it, I just found it very hard to get it up for someone who told me on a daily basis that either they didn't like me or they hated me and tried to teach my son the same thing. I think that if someone is in a relationship and are having problems with sex, they need to find someone to talk it out with, preferably a marriage counselor (didn't work with us, obviously) or at least the family doctor cause something IS wrong with you! Or her! Either way, once the sex drive drops, it's time to get help. For me, at that time in my life, it was the issues between my ex wife and me that lowered my desire to have sex. It wasn't that I couldn't (stupid body kept betraying me!), but that I didn't want to with her. With a new girlfriend (sigh, single again ladies) it was back in force. so, if you having problems, again, get help, of whatever kind.

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  5.   cocokisses says:
    Posted: 06 May 08

    Maybe it's me, but i don't see porn as a problem :) I happen to be very entertained by it :) I can see how some men may have this problem because many guys don't talk about all the things that are bothering them. I agree that if you take care of the mind, the body will follow.

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  6.   Nickels says:
    Posted: 15 Apr 08

    This is just my personal opinion. I believe that for some men porn IS a problem. I was with a man for 2 years. In the begining the sex was great. After about 3 months it seemed like he never really wanted it any more. I was constantly the one initiating the sex that we did have. Later, I find out that he is masturbating on a daily basis. Porn, BET videos, all kinds of stuff. We fought over this for 1 1/2 years. He kept saying he would stop and that he loved me and that it was because he had spent appx. 3 years alone with no girlfriend and he just got used to it. He says he has performance anxiety and fully admits that sometimes he's just being plain out LAZY and don't want to make the effort. I personally believe, just by knowing him so well, that he got so used to porn he just couldn't get off as well without it. Even when we did have sex he would constantly look down to watch himself ( if ya know what I mean ). Or he would have his eyes closed and I can only imagine what he had to "picture" in order to finish. I think porn can RUIN some men. But like I said -- Just my opinion. I feel really sorry for any woman who has to go through life not sexually satisfied and feeling low.

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  7.   ethereal99 says:
    Posted: 14 Apr 08

    When getting into lovemaking, all other thoughts & worries disappear, it's like a high or different state of being. I just naturally forget all worldly problems & concentrate on, well, you know !

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  8.   sntapolenord says:
    Posted: 14 Apr 08

    Well, It must horrible to have sexual lost. One thing I may add. Some people don't like to do any foreplay. Just get into it. That does not have to happen in bed only. It can start a the beginning of the day. Keep the fire going throughout the relationship. Some thinks that sex will solve or make up from previous feud. In my opinion, many can have sex with no foreplay when the person is new in there lives and there may be lead to curiosity. I believe that foreplay with kindness play a great role in strong sexual activities. Hope all goes well.

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  9.   SxyWhtTiger says:
    Posted: 11 Apr 08

    It could many factors to cause a sexual disfunction not only physical but psychological as well. But leaving somebody because they can't perform sexually is not the answer. We have to help the other if they have problems and try to find a solution. They do have therapists and medications to help with such disfunctions. I've personally never had this problem but if I did or if my significant other would be by them 100%. Also you can't really blame porn because it is a sexual enhancement.

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  10.   cnoter says:
    Posted: 10 Apr 08

    No man wants to admit limp D$ck syndrom.LOL. Iv'e had a very high sex drive all my life. But as I got older and more succesful in life the stain of Money cums into play...no pun intended. It's easy to get things...It's the keeping of of those things is the hard part. As a stong willed man..the one who's earning the chips with dip. Your mind wonders and WORRIES. YES..there's a drop dead beautiful naked woman in my bed next to me.....(BUT)... Your mind is in 12 different directions/with no erection. Your thinkin ..Bussiness is slow.. How am I gonna pay for all of this ? Whats gonna happen if I cant ? What are my options? How can I get things goin again? The (what if) factor. I'm just speaking for my self. I think its in your mind and not your body or partner. I dont know it all and I have an OPEN mind,or I wouldnt be here in the first place. Most relationships break up for one of 2 things... SEX and MONEY...not all, but most. So Get your mind right and the Body will follow.

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  11.   mossimo36 says:
    Posted: 10 Apr 08

    Interesting questions, perhaps his self esteem took a hit from a layoff or something. Not to make excuses for any man. If we want monogamy, we have to keep our partners happy, no ifs, ands, or buts. Or is that butts?

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  12.   Kimelodi says:
    Posted: 10 Apr 08

    Sharon, you are likely correct in your assumption about the baby making. Fortunately, I stopped at one child with this guy when I saw that his treatment of me and concern for my sexual needs was non-existent. Coincidentally, my ex also watched porn but made excuses about sex which was the bomb the 2 times that we did it, LOL. I don't have a major problem with porn except that I think it could cause issues for people who are in an unbalanced relationship.

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  13.   Kimelodi says:
    Posted: 10 Apr 08

    Thanks Ethereal99, I'm doing great now that I'm not in that situation anymore. It was really shocking to go through it in the first place but I guess we live and we learn.

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  14.   HereIamBaby says:
    Posted: 10 Apr 08

    Dear Kimelodi it sounds like to me that you were a baby machine...But don't feel badly...there is a lot of that going around, as well... I have a girlfriend who had two children for her man and then dropped her so quick that it was heartbreaking. She never saw it coming! It was the same MO! On a normal basis, I do beleive that it has a lot to do with stress, what they eat, how they sleep and many other issues...it could even be an affair! Life doesn't come with a manuel. And it was never promised/expected to be easy. For those of you who have been dealing with this issue...I was in the same boat and what brought my libido back up was Mona Vie...we gave it a cute name like "MonaVetro" but it is the same...men are drinking it and sleeping on their side in the morning...if you catch my drift . If anyone wants to know more..contact me. AND furthermore...I don't think that porn is bad for men other then they might get their expectations to high as far as the real world is! BUT...Men are visual creatures...let them watch! Make their mind work! And their other parts will follow... Southern smiles and world peace, Sharon

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  15.   ethereal99 says:
    Posted: 09 Apr 08

    To answer the question, no, women aren't suddenly demanding sex! HMMM, imagine? Secondly, I don't deal with porn & I can't blame porn for anything, it's a person's choice. As for sexual dysfunction, I may be short & I may be bald, but thankfully I know nothing about sexual dysfunction. I can imagine it would be horrible for a 25 y.o. male or anyone for that matter. To Kim, sorry you went through so much for so long, I hope things are better for you now.

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  16.   Kimelodi says:
    Posted: 09 Apr 08

    Unfortunately my marriage ended last year partly because of this very reason. I was married to an older guy who was almost 10 years my senior. I was shocked and insulted to find that he experienced this lack of sex drive especially since there was no physical dsyfunction occurring. He vigorously pursued me during dating. After a whirlwind romance, we married and got pregnant right away. Sex was awesome, the best I'd experienced and everything was cool until he found out that I was pregnant. He wanted a baby, it was the first child for him and he imediately used the "don't want to hurt the baby" excuse despite the doctor telling him that intimacy was not an issue for pregnant women. After the birth of the child, I lost weight, looked even better than pre-pregnancy but there were always excuses not to have sex. Slept nude on a daily basis next to him for over 3 years, barely wore pajamas. Was always complimented on my beauty but no initiation of sex. Just an FYI for the ladies, it does exists. I doesn't matter what your libido level is, when it comes to making a marriage work, even if you don't feel like doing it, make a compromise in order to make your relationship closer. I also believe that a person with a high sex drive should also make compromises as well if you are with a lower sexed person. Balance is important and I believe sex to be an integral part of relationship. There are even studies that prove that relationships last longer when sexual intimacy is occuring on a regular basis. Just my two cents. I wish everyone the best, whatever you're looking for in a relationship.

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