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Stuck at the crush stage?

Posted by Ria, 15 Dec

Why people should stop thinking about idealized partners and appreciate the real ones who are available.

I remember my first celebrity crush … Keanu Reeves. When acting, it was as if he was doing it just for me … for my eyes only. That had me hooked. I was infatuated for a while; posters of him all over my bedroom wall.

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Then I forgot all about his handsome face and those mysterious eyes as soon as I discovered Snoop Dogg. It was lust at first sight. My pals have never understood my crush on him but damn, he still makes my blood boil.

The thing is, the likes of Keanu Reeves lived outside the realm of my existence. And as an aspiring young lady desperate to join the ranks of womanhood, I had to be content with my low place in the food chain and accept that Keanu was a good person to have a crush on – just a crush; nothing more.

Once you grow older, you have to realize that nursing a crush is a seduction tactic that bears no fruit. You have to ditch such fantasies and face up to the real world if you plan on ever succeeding in finding a real partner.

That said, unfortunately, in our quest to find love, we still meet people with expectations lifted directly from movie scripts. My frustration is that far too many people still judge prospective partners by the same standards they used to judge their teenage crushes. I think expecting someone to keep up with a movie hero or some super model is ridiculous to say the least.

George Clooney has unintentionally screwed up a lot of relationships. When your woman compares you to her ideal man, how can trouble escape the relationship?

A crush should be a FLEETING fantasy (Fleeting is the keyword here). Problem is; some people never outgrow the crush phase. And the worst reflection of a crush is when it turns to stalking.

In order to move on and find true love, you need to face up to the looming prospects of rejection and remind yourself that no one dies from a broken heart. Get over that unreciprocated love. Its part of this harsh reality – that the idealized love you so desire not always feels the same about you.

For me, my standards have shifted. Yes my heart will always throb at the sight of Snoop’s bony bear chest but knowing his story as it is, my focus is more on the rounded attributes of a perfect companion … finding a man who will always be my friend… finding a man who adores me.

It is healthy to aspire to an ideal. But if you focus too much on some puppy love, it becomes toxic. David Beckham and Halle Berry for instance are toxic to most women’s and men’s brain cells respectively – they are known to excite them cells to death. Unfortunately, real men and women come with numerous flaws. There are no perfect people on earth.

Best thing is to drop the teenage crush whimpering and accept the reality of our relationship choices as they are, not as we would want them to be. Leave the idealized crushes for the unattainable celebrities and cultivate love for that not-so-perfect open-mouthed snorer next to you in bed.

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16 responses to "Stuck at the crush stage?"

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  1.   Snazzybella says:
    Posted: 03 Feb 10

    AWWWWW!! yall soooo sweet. CALL ME :)

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  2.   WHURR says:
    Posted: 08 Jan 10

    RichardBruce 'INFECTIOUS' is a baddddddd word to use on a dating site... How about CONTAGIOUS? NOOOOOOO NOOOOOOO Ummm... how about PANDEMIC? NOOOOOOOOOo OMG...NOOOOOOO How about ''Dayum... Snazzy has the cutest BIGAZZ smile that makes me smile everytime I see it!" PHEW! You know what, Snazzy's smile is really contagious..... OMG...make it stop!

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  3.   RichardBruce says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 10

    Is it just me or does Snazzybella have the friendliest, most infectious smile that happens to be pretty too? Could be a crush.

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  4.   LakeLouise says:
    Posted: 02 Jan 10

    My first crush was Johnny Depp, I loved him in 21 Jump Street and even though he looks a little hobo like to me he is still a fit and good looking man. Nowadays, I find Jensen Ackles totally capitvating, he is absolutely gorgeous and have considered varying ways I could happen upon him. Hmmmmm - he is just divine. Oh and Ryan Reynolds has a totally beautiful body - God only knows what I would do if I got my hands on anyone of these guys... Crushes are great for daydreaming (or nightime) but usually, then are unattainable and nothing more than fantasy - dammit!

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  5.   Snazzybella says:
    Posted: 31 Dec 09

    Simon Baker is my future baby daddy and Bon Jovi is my man on the side. Jude Law is my bootie call. Dylan McDermott is my friend with benefits. I think that covers all my men. Oh I forgot, I am willing to let Matthew McConaughey service me regularly..

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  6.   RAYNEDELAY says:
    Posted: 30 Dec 09

    TigerLily, Thank you for your insightful comments. I have a brother and sister-in law whow have been married for 25 years and my brother puts her first all the time. He is a complete gentlemen to her and does anything for her.

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  7.   TigerLily says:
    Posted: 22 Dec 09

    Great article, Ria! When thinking about the whole celeb phenom, one thing helps keeps things in perspective: even they have a hard time finding longlasting love... think about what they have to go through to find someone who loves them for them... rather than their PR/hype created image and/or money. Especially the women, they have a glam squad, pefect lighting, airbrushed pics with a flawless face/body presented to the public...finding a man capable of loving them with their imperfections and when they're not glam or look like hell is more of challenge than most of us can imagine. I've read different autobiographies about past and present celebs (men and women) and that seems to be a running theme -- many fall/crush on their stage persona and then are let down/disappointed when they meet the "real" person. ...and RayneDelay I think love is so elusive because a person's character has become secondary to appearance thus causing unrealistic expectations (not saying we all shouldn't be with someone we find attractive, but if this the end all be all... good luck with that). Too many want "love" but are unwilling to do whatever is necessary to maintain and keep it. The people I know who are successful seem to have the same thing in common as my sister and brother-in-law. They have been together 20+ years and people think they are dating because their eyes/faces still light up when the other enters the room...what they don't realize is how they put each other first, have each others backs, are friends who like each other, and most of all the hard work both put into their marriage, especially during the times when they wanted to walk. I also agree with smiletellsit and soulmindbody...very well said you two...WHURR... lmao that was too funny, 2015 -- restraining orders...lol...and Bellara you are so right about how get in a relationship with a crush, then bail and find a new crush when things get hard. Oh yeah... don't know how many of you listen to country or know who Reba is, but she has a song called Somebody and the lyrics are about this topic, how so many today are looking for their "ideal" man or woman and miss the person who could be the love of their life right in front of them, someone they regularly pass in the street, say hello to at a restaurant, coffeshop, grocery store, etc. It's a great song/video, makes you think.....

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  8.   soulmindbody says:
    Posted: 21 Dec 09

    C'mon, a crush is 90% physical (aka sexual) attraction. While in the viral stages, it blinds you to the person's idiosyncrasies and even their basic needs. You can't see your incompatibility even when your best friends are shining headlights in your eyes. This has got to be one of best things that we leave behind as we age. We should be able to look at someone, celebrity or not, and say "yes, that person is attractive/sexy/desirable to the eye, but what are they REALLY like?" But, of course, if they also have a voice and accent to die for, all rational thought goes out the window :)

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  9.   smiletellsit says:
    Posted: 20 Dec 09

    There is nothing wrong with a crush, as long as it's kept in perspective. The nature of a crush is the unattainable aspect, which is why we have more crushes when we're younger. And those crushes helped us to understand our desires and preferences. Crushes are by design unattainable and based on superficial and/or unrealistic qualities. As adults, if we find a flirtation evolving to a crush, we're quick to act or end, and so the crush phase is brief or non-existent. I agree 100% that no one is perfect, including celebrities and crushes. It would be nice to see our media focus less on physical appearance (which can always be modified) and focus more on content of character which matters most. I think the large selection of partners is another reason relationships are failing, esp. on these sites. It's too easy for people to move to the next one. We need to take time to really get to know the needs and values of the person of interest and see how their lifestyle, choices and preferences match with ours.

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  10.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 19 Dec 09

    Whurr ; I being older Liked an Indian girl / Sonnys' partner . Hehe HoHo and Merry X-mas this Friday to all .

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  11.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 18 Dec 09

    P.S. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT about others [ Including Golfing Professionals ] Hehe / YOU MAY KNOT Snore if you drink a Large glass of water and use hankerchief to clean nose before going to sleep .

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  12.   WHURR says:
    Posted: 18 Dec 09

    I have had so many crushes, I wouldn't know which ones to rank 'stronger' than the others. I guess on way to decipher them from legitimate crushes and just fantasy crushes would be that legally there might be something that says its DEFINITELY FULL-BLOWN CRUSH! Legally...these are the people I have a crush on...because...legally...their restraining orders are all active on me until at least 2015. Janet Jackson, Sade, Halle Berry, Vivica Fox, and that chick from the video 'Don't Be So Mouthy' from PornTube.

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  13.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 17 Dec 09

    I did find Love here at Afro even though my spelling sometimes is wrong / speed kills a conversation without an editors screening .

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  14.   RAYNEDELAY says:
    Posted: 17 Dec 09

    I still have a crush on Keanu! Maybe that's why I'm still single. Why is love so allusive?

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  15.   Bellara says:
    Posted: 17 Dec 09

    LMAO Nice way to end the article! The funny thing about being stuck in the crush stage is that when many people get in a relationship with their crush, they won't know how to handle or treat that person. So at the end of the day, they simply find a new crush that way they won't have to put in the hardwork. Teen crush is fun during teenagehood, but as an adult? Good riddance, that is just pathetic.

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  16.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 15 Dec 09

    Remember ; You are the Perfect person / the person you meet will only become Perfect for you with time spent together working as One to build a Life . One that cannot ever be any better than your 100% of Love and care joined with their 100% of care and Love . God - the Greatest being as Believed by many still took 6 days to build this world / He could knot have done this Tremendous Accomplishment if he had waited for Perfection to fall in front of him . He had to start alone and rest on the seventh day . We are all Equal in Desires and the Ability to do Great things with our combined Knowledge and Love . No one without Effort will ever be anyone / Just on the last Blog Topic some wished to tear apart one of the Greatest Golfers who has ever been , because he Enjoyed his Life as he saw fit . I never played Golf yet I do know he would have Whipped me like a step-child on the Greens of his Game . Get over it / become involved with someone , try to build a Family before all the Good ones are taken .

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