I am leaving if you don’t commit
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Most people have been dating for longer that they can remember. Sometimes people reach that point where the relationship is like stagnant – not moving forward or backwards.
Then there reaches a time when one person has to move on – say another job in a different state or something and a decision has to be made : to walk away or hold out for more.
If the dude hasn’t given any indication that he has plans of the two moving in together or proposing, what is the right way to go about such a situation? Does one just gamble with the situation and hope that staying will probably make him provide what you want in life – say after decades :lol: ? Is giving him an ultimatum (“I will be leaving town if you don’t commit᾿) the best way to go about it?
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17 responses to "I am leaving if you don’t commit"
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Member says:Posted: 30 Nov 09
. Good Morning. I realize I may be reiterating points already addressed; but to throw my towel in on a romance that's already working in a certain way requires serious consideration. If a non-verbal consensual arrangement has been reached and our actions have already made it clear that this is the kind of relationship we accept, then it is what it is. I agree, that we must decide the kind of relationship we are willing to abide, and then express our intent; usually in verbal ways that is mutually consensual. When verbalization does not effectively communicate our sentiments, perhaps written rather than oral iteration is needed to make our position known. But if you go to the ice cream stand,.. and sample a little of this, then that.. who knows what you are wanting to spend your coin on?? Make a decision. Then drop your dime. Well, I realize it costs more than a dime... but if you drop your ***** before you have a stable commitment agreement, you know what??? You may get exactly what you settle for, in that little transaction. You can't expect to eat half the meal and then the cook that this is not how you like your eggs. Make it clear from the start. That way there is no misgiving about your intent in the arrangement later. I believe a woman DESERVES to know what a man expects. If the MAN doesn't say anything,.. but ACTS in a way that spells "NO COMMITMENT", .. then if you can't read into the unspoken WORDS, then at LEAST read the picture. And if you FORCE (in some way) the man to satisfy your need for a "commitment"... such as "buy me a ring".... be sure he is a man with a committed heart;.... Because,...if he is going through motions to please you NOW,... count on it--- it will be a lot of trouble down the line,... when you need his E-motional support. The larger picture? Pick a guy who has the emotional (capacity) to make a valid commitment. Don't settle for anyone with less. If you settle for less;.. of HAVE ALREADY "settled" for less than what you really want and need, it may be hard to modify existing arrangements; --and disappointing.! Personally, I WANT a committed relationship that can stand the test of time. I KNOW from experience that I'm faithful; I have a committed heart to relationship. I know the value of commitment. I admit that I may have made an UN-Wise Choice in the past and learned from my hastiness the hard way.. and I paid $$ for it. But we all live and learn, hopefully. The one thing I know; --I will NEVER again, marry a woman who is less committed to the success of the relationship than me. I'm willing to lay it all down on the table, to be the mate of a stable-minded woman of sincere commitment. But I won't settle for anyone less; it co$ts too much. I don't have a drifting heart. I believe many men on this site feel the same way. We are waiting to find a woman who adds an equal level of serious commitment. But.... you need to say it;... don't expect him to just "get it" without his acknowledgment and agreement that this is what you want in a relationship; nothing less. "Well.... let's just try it out for a couple of months and see how it goes"---- that strategy seldom-if-ever works out. You'll be "(seeing) how it goes" for decades! Get the commitment on the dotted line. Stop giving away "FREE ice-cream samples";... then expecting some guy to to get serious about buying the whole store. --Savvy? Contact me... I'll give you heads-up on a man's point of view;... or at least MINE;... and commitment is ALL I will settle for. Buy the whole store or move on. Barbie is part of the deal! See my pictures and you'll understand. Sincerely, Wise Choice. .
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homesteader says:Posted: 01 Mar 09" Happy Trails to You , until we meet again " Roy and Dale
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Sovoluptuous says:Posted: 10 Aug 08
I totally agree with Nandi and MorningFlower.You know when you have the right one,And you wont have to force he/or she to make any type of commitments
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stargazer123 says:Posted: 08 Aug 08
leaving if any of you don't commit in marriage it will ruin the relationship.
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Aurorin says:Posted: 19 Jul 08
I have always been of the opinion that communication is the key to success in any type of relationship. If a couple wants survive, in any interpretation of that word, they would be wise to discuss their expectations BEFORE they are actually in the relationship. They should have the same goals for the relationship, otherwise, one will end up miserable and, eventually, so will the other one. Ultimata are a type of emotional blackmail to me. I wouldn't want to be given an ultimatum and so, I will not give one. If I am ready to settle down, that doesn't mean I should settle for a reluctant partner. If he does not want to give me the type of commitment I want, I'd be foolish to stay with him knowing that I am not happy. I am a firm believer in asking for what you want up front so that there are no surprises.
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laugh_sailor says:Posted: 25 Jun 08I've enjoyed the terrific and diverse views, here! Doesn't this problem stem from a lack of forthright communication? Getting married, having kids, cruising around the world on a sailboat for years, etc. ought to be goals covered on a first or second date. Continuing that communication (Which boat to get, Caribbean or South Pacific first?), not only keeps small things from piling up (In this case, years of unfulfilled expectations, which can be emotionally explosive and hence the ultimatum and reaction.) and helps to keep the relationship in perspective but also helps to keep one focused on the relationship's goals and how each person's feelings and goals support the relationship - Or not. If the goals no longer feel right, they need to be re-examined. Of course, it's more comfortable to some to not discuss emotions but that comes back to haunt in really painful ways.
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princedddove says:Posted: 25 Jun 08I think we women suffer from the Cinderella complex-I used to! I think we all have a right to be happy, but can't let starry eyes cloud our vision. After age 40 if he is not talking about a permanancy plan 6-8 months later, especially if the two of you are physically intimate; it's time to jet. It may be painful and difficult, but you never know what's around the corner!! Let.s face it, if he can't commit, it's time to quit....
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HydrabadChik says:Posted: 23 Jun 08
If Person is feeling that "let's settle down" feeling and says to his/her partner: "our dating time is up, we need to settle or split" and gets a free ticket to Timbuktu in response, I figure Person probably doesn't have the relationship he thought he had. Nothing wrong with a wakeup call though. I haven't always liked being handed brutal honesty but I've learned that it has its gifts. Ask for what you want.
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workinman says:Posted: 22 Jun 08i pine for the days of the 40s & 50s, picket fences & gardens. but for the man who builds a castle & chooses to share it w/ a woman who may or may not be his soul mate opens up a whole snake pit of legalities, common law, eddie i want half, type of thing. men HAVE been conditioned and we are more cautious for it.
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Morningflower says:Posted: 21 Jun 08
What the? I am so glad that life is not a "spelling bee" in that we get more than one chance so every mistake such as dating "this kind" of a person doesn't exempt us from finding love again. I think it's..cowardly, and selfish to give someone that you love an ultimatum! especially about commitment!cammon!! I can tell you this:- If someone gave me that kind of an ultimatum I would provide them with a GPS Nav.System to make sure that they don't lose their way while getting as far away from me as possible!!
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Nandi says:Posted: 19 Jun 08When one feels they need to propose an ultimatum, time to go..you already have your answer....I would not ask anyone to commit to me, but if I feel the relationship is not going where I would like to see it...I would have a talk not ultimatum about it once and then I would make my own decision from that...It is not good to force anyone into a relationship and/or marriage...But, I will not allow that person to block me for the kinda of relationship I want...A total waste of time....
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mossimo36 says:Posted: 17 Jun 08
Move on!! If he/she is not meeting what you want from a relationship. Threats not required, just a simple statement will do.
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Cindie says:Posted: 17 Jun 08My grandfather always said, "get what you want", so you don't make yourself and the other personal miserable....
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HydrabadChik says:Posted: 17 Jun 08
That's such a hard decision to make - especially for a woman. And even more especially if the relationship has been for decadeS! As we age, our relationship options diminish more quickly as women than they do for men. Job options as well. I know that if a woman plays her cards right, she need not be limited after 40 or after 50 - but it seems to require such a careful game! I think that's why many of us are careful in our 30s or even 20s and asking "Should I be hangin' around while he drags his feet?? Do I have that kind of time?" Many of us are surrounded by women who have invested YEars in relationships where the man got comfortable and enjoyed a position of pseudo-commitment. I understand that we have the habit of looking for security where there is none. Still, I think that if marriage is the state a woman wants - go for it. Sure, it can be a mistake - marriages go wrong all the time. But there's a difference between whole-heartedly reaching for the life I want and languishing in a limbo uncertainty. What say ye?
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HereIambaby says:Posted: 17 Jun 08I am just a bit curious...Her profile was found on interracial dating site blackc e ntury DOT com last week. I heard that she is interested in interracial relationship. Maybe this is the reason why she was there!
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outpass35 says:Posted: 16 Jun 08I don't think it air to make someone commit to someone A friend was living with the same man for 15b yars they got married and the marriage was over in a year.
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Men and women reach to the point of commitment at different times and on different levels. I personally experienced the situation where the man wanted to commit before I did. He waited to I was ready and then we did commit to each other. Its not always the women rushing toward commitment.